Problems Within A Relationship

[lil_slave_rose]

It sounds so pathetic when you all put it that way. I don't know why I put up with it, either. It's not the fact that he has another girl that bothers me. Hell, I've got a girlfriend, too. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm something he should be ashamed of. It's gotten to where I'm starting to believe that I really am something to be ashamed of.

I can't do it anymore. I don't even think I can talk to him about it. Like wenchie said, he's not going to care, anyway. I'm going to take a couple of days to get my thoughts together and then...I don't know. I really don't think I can confront him with it. Would it be entirely too childish and stupid to just send him an email, telling him how I feel and telling him that I won't be bothering him anymore? That if he really wants me, he'll have to do something about it because I'm not going to anymore?

I'm afraid if I actually try to have a conversation with him that he'll just say something to smooth it over, and I'll fall back in all over again. He didn't think any more of me than to call me and dump me over the phone last year, so I guess I don't owe it to him to do it face-to-face. I guess stupid me believes that maybe, just maybe, if I say "If you want me, do something about it," that it might help him see the light. I doubt it. I swear to God, loving this man is like drowning--it doesn't matter how hard you try to get away; he's going to drag you farther and farther in, anyway.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I can hardly see what I'm typing through the tears in my eyes. Thanks again for listening. I'm sorry I've wasted so much bandwidth on this guy. Thanks so much, guys.

you're not wasting bandwidth, you're hurting and you need support. but i truly believe you deserve better than what you're getting.....and you need to let him know that also, and move on. he has proven he's not going to change, you've already given him a SECOND chance, he doesn't deserve a third :::hugs:::

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Thank you, pandoravampire, but I don't have to worry about most of those things. We don't live together or anything, thank God.

And, leeroy, I'm back together with him because he asked me to be, and I'm a big fucking idiot.

stop that, you are not an idiot, you love someone, and believed him. that doesn't make you an idiot. my opinion is usually everyone deserves a second chance, if they mess that up too, well then they don't deserve the third. please don't be so hard on yourself, you are NOT an idiot :::Hugs:::

 

[SweetErika]

And, leeroy, I'm back together with him because he asked me to be, and I'm a big fucking idiot.

No, you're back with him because you didn't learn the lesson that was sent the first (or maybe second, etc.) time around. It has nothing to do with being an idiot or the smartest person in the world, it's just the way things work, plain and simple. Now, it's hitting you harder than last time, and you have to recognize it'll continue to get more forceful and painful until you get it and decide to move forward, instead of staying stagnant. Would you tell a kid they're an idiot because they didn't learn their math facts the first time around, or a friend she's dumb because she dated the same type of loser twice? Of course not!

Do you really want to be here for another few months or years? If not, you must see that THIS is your chance to MOVE and avoid the heartache of another round!

Since you've survived this much so far, you ARE strong enough to take that step. Envision how your life will be without the pain you've been experiencing, and keep those thoughts at the forefront as you move. In this type of situation, I have to focus on the positives of the future, basically to the exclusion of everything else (e.g. remembering good things, imagining what it would be like if it we got better)so I can move forward. For example, last time I thought about how I needed to get rid of the stress, pain, and be with people whose actions proved they loved me. That's just what works for me, but I'm sure you can figure out some things to help yourself get through and over this.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Many here have been much more eloquent than I could in their words to you.

My friendship and prayers are there for you in your time of trial.

 

[callinectes]

I am thinking of you Bunny. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Thank you, pandoravampire, but I don't have to worry about most of those things. We don't live together or anything, thank God.

And, leeroy, I'm back together with him because he asked me to be, and I'm a big fucking idiot.

Ok quoting this for a second time because of something that happened tonight at the fetish event.

There is this woman that I totally lust after. Because I let my heart get involved I was a bit to aggressive with her also. So then she drops off the face of the earth for like 2 months. I didn't have her phone number and I was without one myself. So tonight in she walks and I am drawn to her like a bee to pollen.

I am trying to use a small part of my life to illustrate the simple need to be with someone, it might be the wrong person but still you need and/or want to be with them. BiBunny I hope you will kick this guy to the curb, take some time to be alone, and then with new understanding of yourself brave the world to find someone who is right for you and where you are. If you don't do that then to have the courage to have a long very long heart to heart. Your being submissive to him doesn't give him the right to treat you poorly. Anyone that you submit to has to understand there are times when is just you as a woman talking to him as a man, if they don't how would you ever get any problem resolved to your guys satifaction??

 

[catalina_francisco]

Aww sweetie... the point at which you realize you are internalising his shame, is the point at which ya gotta suck up and remember to love yourself more than he does.

You do not owe him a dignified end/closure; you do owe yourself a dignified end/closure. If that can't be done in person (yes I know how hard it is to do that), then a simple phonecall saying goodbye is fine. If a phone call is too hard, an email is fine. What do *you* need in terms of ending things to feel good about yourself?

Trust me- being alone is quite a bit better than playing second fiddle. It sounds like you won't even be alone, per say- you have a girlfriend, you have friends, you have a gang of people at Lit who care about you... see? What is some guy who pushes his shame on you, compared to all that?

I'd strongly consider blocking his phone number and email, and removing him/blocking him from IM, once you've ended things. If he's sweet talked his way back in once, he'll probably try it again (when he needs whatever "fix" an on the side relationship with you provided).

Now go have some chocolate like a good girl.

Cutie has said what I was planning to...break the contact completely for your own well being. Remember last year when he treated you so bad and you said you had to talk to him face to face just to get closure and we all asked you not to because we feared he would sweet talk his way into your heart again? This time it will be the same, even if you just read an email or IM with him. You will see things you want to see to make it alright to go back because at this moment you are vulnerable. Change your pnone number, block his emails and remove him from your IM. Don't tell him it is up to him if he wants you back as that is what happened last time and yes, he might make some small effort until he has you back where he wants you, just as he has done with his vanilla SO...he doesn't care about either of you so you are not even second fiddle, you are both just temporary amusements for his ego and libido.

You don't even owe him the decency of telling him it is over, but I know it will feel better for you, and will help you heal in the long term, and more importantly, it is who you are and you shouldn't lower your standards just because he has none. It is not easy, and I wonder in part if this is justified somewhere in your head as the emotional masichism you are attracted to and so in some part increases your reluctance to leave. If it is, I would say it is not emotional masochism because the end result of that is meant to be that even in your misery, you feel good, happy, fulfilled, content, though many would not understand that.....you are not feeling these things, you are feeling less than worthy, and unfulfilled.

Like Cutie said, being alone is much better than being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you feel like you are not important enough to care how you feel, and someone who only wants you to feed his own selfish desires. Desire is not love, and it will never give you what you need when dined on as the only course. While you dally with him, the one who would give you all you need and appreciate what you gave in return could pass by unnoticed. Don't waste anymore of your life on someone who doesn't care how you feel unless it affects his pleasures.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Cutie has said what I was planning to...break the contact completely for your own well being. Remember last year when he treated you so bad and you said you had to talk to him face to face just to get closure and we all asked you not to because we feared he would sweet talk his way into your heart again? This time it will be the same, even if you just read an email or IM with him. You will see things you want to see to make it alright to go back because at this moment you are vulnerable. Change your pnone number, block his emails and remove him from your IM. Don't tell him it is up to him if he wants you back as that is what happened last time and yes, he might make some small effort until he has you back where he wants you, just as he has done with his vanilla SO...he doesn't care about either of you so you are not even second fiddle, you are both just temporary amusements for his ego and libido.

You don't even owe him the decency of telling him it is over, but I know it will feel better for you, and will help you heal in the long term, and more importantly, it is who you are and you shouldn't lower your standards just because he has none. It is not easy, and I wonder in part if this is justified somewhere in your head as the emotional masichism you are attracted to and so in some part increases your reluctance to leave. If it is, I would say it is not emotional masochism because the end result of that is meant to be that even in your misery, you feel good, happy, fulfilled, content, though many would not understand that.....you are not feeling these things, you are feeling less than worthy, and unfulfilled.

Like Cutie said, being alone is much better than being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you feel like you are not important enough to care how you feel, and someone who only wants you to feed his own selfish desires. Desire is not love, and it will never give you what you need when dined on as the only course. While you dally with him, the one who would give you all you need and appreciate what you gave in return could pass by unnoticed. Don't waste anymore of your life on someone who doesn't care how you feel unless it affects his pleasures.

Catalina

very well said cat, and i agree 100% and there is really nothing i can add, cat said it very well. i know how it feels when you reach 'the end' and realize what you have to do, and i know how hard that is, but i promise you, you will feel better once you 'end it' you may not agree now, but in time, you will see. i was terrifed to leave and start over, find someone else, after 10 years of being with one person. but i couldn't take it anymore, and it sounds like you are in the same place. i agree, don't give him a choice to 'come back to you' if he wants to, because that doesn't he's going to change, that means he'll manipulate you, and make it seem like he's changed until he has you where he wants you and then the whole cycle will start all over again. you are strong enough to do this BB..i know you are, and you have a whole support group right here on lit, with a lot of people who care about you!

 

[BiBunny]

Well, talking to him (or not) is going to take a back burner for now. I found out yesterday when I went to go ride the horses that Supermare is lame again. I've got to get that taken care of in a hurry. Then, because bad things always happen in groups, I woke up this morning with some horrible mystery ailment (which is probably the flu, but I don't even want to get out of bed). It'll be business as usual with him and me until my head clears enough to sort it out. I promise to stop bitching, though, until I get off my ass and do something about it. Thanks again for listening, guys.

Below is a pic of Supermare--show name What A Bold Feeling, barn name Cadillac--and I at a show back in better, pain-free days.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Totally not a horse person, but how did this happen. Do horse just get hurt like us, asking the question seems silly right?? I do hope you get to feeling better, if you were out here you would be having a nice sunny day probly in the 80's again or high 70's at least.

 

[BiBunny]

Totally not a horse person, but how did this happen. Do horse just get hurt like us, asking the question seems silly right?? I do hope you get to feeling better, if you were out here you would be having a nice sunny day probly in the 80's again or high 70's at least.

No, it's not silly. I've noticed that she was off in that leg a time or two before, but when she tried to kill me yesterday when I rode her, I knew it had to be bothering her. I have no idea what it could be or how it happened.

Thanks for the well-wishes. Being sick is miserable. My girlfriend told me that it's nice and warm outside here, too, but I haven't been able to force myself outside yet.

 

[callinectes]

That sucks about your horse Bunny, I hope the problem is minor.

Thinking of you...

 

[leeroy jenkins]

No, it's not silly. I've noticed that she was off in that leg a time or two before, but when she tried to kill me yesterday when I rode her, I knew it had to be bothering her. I have no idea what it could be or how it happened.

Thanks for the well-wishes. Being sick is miserable. My girlfriend told me that it's nice and warm outside here, too, but I haven't been able to force myself outside yet.

Bi have you gotten dressed in something you would wear outside?? I know when I have felt bad just getting a hot shower and change of clothes does help give me a bit of a lift. Its some mental thing going on there.

Only place I have really seen horses is tv or movies. I know I lived out in the country in Ohio and there are horses there but that was never my thing. I hope for your horses sake that just some rest and a horse ben gay will be all that it needs.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, talking to him (or not) is going to take a back burner for now. I found out yesterday when I went to go ride the horses that Supermare is lame again. I've got to get that taken care of in a hurry. Then, because bad things always happen in groups, I woke up this morning with some horrible mystery ailment (which is probably the flu, but I don't even want to get out of bed). It'll be business as usual with him and me until my head clears enough to sort it out. I promise to stop bitching, though, until I get off my ass and do something about it. Thanks again for listening, guys.

Below is a pic of Supermare--show name What A Bold Feeling, barn name Cadillac--and I at a show back in better, pain-free days.

If we lived closer I would come and harrass you with some quite care. Seems these things do come in bunches huh, though the getting sick yourself could be a result of all that is happening lowering your immune system more than coincidence. Hope your beautiful horse is not too seriously lame, and that you find a way to begin feeling a little more like your cheery self soon. And bitch all you like, the rest of us do and get away with it!!

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hey Bunny... {{{{{HUG}}}}} just because.

I grew up owning horses... When the folks split dad got the horses, mom got the kids. *sighs* We had a Walker - Midnight Duke's Chief, sired out of Midnight Sun... Duke had bad hips, wasn't show material or a breeder, but he was ours and I loved the big doofus. Sorry to hear your mare has lamed up some.

You are in my thoughts and prayers hon. You deserve better than what life is handing you right now. Hang in, hang on, get better and better. One day at a time.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks again, everyone. And, yay, Geoff, for knowing that Cadillac's a Walking Horse! I have four (counting her), and I love them like most people love their children. It's amazing the personalities my boys and girls have and how hard they'll try to please me. I love 'em all, and when they hurt, I do, too.

Oh, well. It's gotta get better from here, right?

 

[marieR19]

awwww {{{{{HUGSSSSS}}}}}

Your horse is beautiful, I really hope everything goes okay. I love horses so much, tho I've never had one.


Heather

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Thanks again, everyone. And, yay, Geoff, for knowing that Cadillac's a Walking Horse! I have four (counting her), and I love them like most people love their children. It's amazing the personalities my boys and girls have and how hard they'll try to please me. I love 'em all, and when they hurt, I do, too.

Oh, well. It's gotta get better from here, right?

*grins* My horse while growing up was a spirited, fiesty, single-footer, appropriately named Tequila. And while she was fun to ride, there's no mistaking the gate of a Tennesse Walking Horse... Even if I haven't been to a show in decades.

Ever get up to Shelbyville???

 

[Arianna22]

Hey, just on the relationship side of things:

You are not to blame and you are not stupid. It took me months to get out of my last relationships, which was abusive, simply because it was addictive.

It was abusive, yes, but also I wanted to be with him and also thought it might get better if I waited.

If he truly loves you he would treat you properly. Honey, i know I dont know you, but you deserve much much better and I truly hope you find it!

 

[BiBunny]

*grins* My horse while growing up was a spirited, fiesty, single-footer, appropriately named Tequila. And while she was fun to ride, there's no mistaking the gate of a Tennesse Walking Horse... Even if I haven't been to a show in decades.

Ever get up to Shelbyville???

Oh, yes. That picture up there was actually taken at the Fun Show they have at the Celebration grounds. I hope to move up that way when I finally get out of school.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Feeling better today Bi??

 

[BiBunny]

Feeling better today Bi??

I am, actually. Thanks for asking.