Proofread Manx 12-5-02

[Guest]

Manxy's responses back to WSO...

WSO, thank you, honey for taking a second shot at this. You are another important contributor to these parts, so believe me, the time you took to read this and contribute here is very much appreciated by me.
_____

Don't worry about me poisoning the good dr's mind dear, i'm sure he could take a pill for it
We should all get prescriptions for whatever Doc is dispensing! LOL!

okay now for my second attempt...

you:
Thursday's temperatures wavered between cool and warm, but I decidedly opened my window to coax the outside in to cleanse the stuffy air. Restless and frustrated, I rubbed the permanent groove at the base of my ring finger—a remnant scar caused by an absent, seven-year wedding band. My divorce anniversary, tomorrow, nagged at me with prickly irritability; for this thirty-one year old male, it was getting too old to be single again. Since the renewing season and I parted company last year, April's showers were not on my list of favorite weather. That changed today. Lingering near the window a while longer, a cool breeze fingered my warm face—the long winter was over—I welcomed spring back and made amends.

my try:
Thursday's temperatures wavered between cool and warm but i opened my window to coax the outside, cleansing the stuffy air. Restless and frustrated, i rubbed the groove at the base of my ring finger - a remnant scar caused by an absent, seven-year wedding band.

Tomorrow's anniversary nagged at me with prickly irritability. 31 was too old to be single. Since the renewing season and I separated last year, April's showers had not been on my list of favoured weather patterns.

That changed today. Lingering near the window, a cool breeze fingered my face - the long winter was over. I welcomed spring and made amends.


1. Thursday's temperatures wavered between cool and warm, but I decidedly opened my window to coax the outside in to cleanse the stuffy air.

i deleted 'decidedly' because the mere fact that you opened the window was a decided decision.
I've decided to remove "decidedly" from this story in my resubmittal--decidedly.

2. Restless and frustrated, I rubbed the permanent groove at the base of my ring finger—a remnant scar caused by an absent, seven-year wedding band.

i deleted 'permanent' because all married people know that wedding bands leave a permanent mark... most unmarried guys know this too. however the other reasons for take it out are that you say it twice... i.e. 'a remnant scar'. i chose to delete 'permanent' rather than 'remnant scar' because the latter shows me your style, and i love your writing style and don't wish for you to lose it.
Fair enough. The "permanence" was important to some of the remarried guys I know--not only can you never forget about a failed marriage, the branded reminder is also on your finger (unless you have some sort of frontal lobotomy or your eyes are scratched out).

But your edit really does little to detract from that. I like it, and will consider it!

3. My divorce anniversary, tomorrow, nagged at me with prickly irritability; for this thirty-one year old male, it was getting too old to be single again.

i found this a little wordy. i think the way i did it still keeps your style - it shows in the 'prickly irritability' i liked that.

3. for this thirty-one year old male, it was getting too old to be single again.

i simplified this.
I like, again!


4. Since the renewing season and I parted company last year, April's showers were not on my list of favorite weather.

i reworded this a little also. 'don't use two words when one will suffice' - i read that somewhere.
We all have, sweetheart ... I just forget sometimes--has something to do with my frontal lobotomy, I think. Seriously, KillerMuffin preaches cutting at least 10% out of what you consider as your final work. Whether you assign a percentage to it or not, good wordsmithing begs us to economize on words, and it's a hard thing for writers to do.

I plan to look at word economy for the whole story as well prior to resubmitting.


5. That changed today. Lingering near the window a while longer, a cool breeze fingered my warm face—the long winter was over—I welcomed spring back and made amends.

Lingering means 'a while longer', so i deleted the latter because i like the word 'lingering'. also with regards to 'warm'... it reads just as well without having that word included, and we all know that a face is warm. 'back' is an extra word that is not necessary.
I like, again--less words, clearer.


***
i was aiming to make the paragraph flow easier... you may notice that i've broken it up into smaller bites. partly that is for my own ease of reading, and partly because - new thought/idea/action = new paragraph.

i hope this makes some sense to you. please ask if you'd like me to explain more.

nb: your word count is 122 and mine is 104.

_____


This was a nice exercise for others to see as well, WSO. Very instructive.

Your edits made a lot of sense. A 15% reduction in words, and you say it better!

WSO, thank you, doll, I will consider this during my resubmit.

 

[Guest]

ProofreadManx

Thanks for offering your story up for review. I haven't read it all yet, but I will.

The other reviews have given me pause, not about your story, but it's length. As my current story seems to be running on forever. So i may use this as a sort of guide for myself, if you don't mind.

Until i post something, I wouldn't feel right or probably competent on commenting on some else's baby.

JN

_____

If you read it, please come back to comment.

Your opinion, as a reader here, contributes to the discussion on the SDC and provides another point of commentary (good, bad, or indifferent).

Don't be shy.

 

[wildsweetone]

oh thank goodness you weren't offended dear it's difficult to say what i mean without waffling on and on and making no sense.

would you like any more of my thoughts - they'll probably be similar to what i have said (my initial posting that got dumped went for a few paragraphs) - or is this helpful/hinderance enough?

...you know, all i really did was take out things you said twice after i chose which way i preferred to hear you saying it. so i didn't do anything much to what you wrote, simply made it flow a little better.

...sometimes more dialogue interspersed between the narration can help aide the flow.

(ps- the blue helped, thank you )

 

[Guest]

oh thank goodness you weren't offended dear it's difficult to say what i mean without waffling on and on and making no sense.
WSO, I've lurked here and about you for many months now--know that what you do here is delightfully educational.

would you like any more of my thoughts - they'll probably be similar to what i have said (my initial posting that got dumped went for a few paragraphs) - or is this helpful/hinderance enough?
If you have the time, it would not only be informative for me (and always helpful, WSO), but to others as well, I'm sure. Please, more!

...you know, all i really did was take out things you said twice after i chose which way i preferred to hear you saying it. so i didn't do anything much to what you wrote, simply made it flow a little better.
You have a knack for making things 'flow' better. (And I mean that in the most suggestive way I can!)

...sometimes more dialogue interspersed between the narration can help aide the flow.

(ps- the blue helped, thank you )
YW. I'm experimenting to aid others that may also be reading this, too. Glad you like!

 

[wildsweetone]

back again

i'm using this space, will be coming back to add and continue here - infrequently. - please remember they're only my thoughts and opinions. - wso

"In the game of 'Whist for two,' usually called 'Correspondence,' the lady plays what card she likes: the gentleman simply follows suit. If she leads with 'Queen of Diamonds,' however, he may, if he likes, offer the 'Ace of Hearts': and, if she plays 'Queen of Hearts,' and he happens to have no Heart left, he usually plays 'Knave of Clubs.'"—Lewis Carroll

* * * * * * *

Thursday's temperatures wavered between cool and warm, but I decidedly opened my window to coax the outside in to cleanse the stuffy air. Restless and frustrated, I rubbed the permanent groove at the base of my ring finger—a remnant scar caused by an absent, seven-year wedding band. My divorce anniversary, tomorrow, nagged at me with prickly irritability; for this thirty-one year old male, it was getting too old to be single again. Since the renewing season and I parted company last year, April's showers were not on my list of favorite weather. That changed today. Lingering near the window a while longer, a cool breeze fingered my warm face—the long winter was over—I welcomed spring back and made amends. (left this - see previous postings)

"Another front moving through," I sighed.

A reverse-metamorphosis painfully transformed a hopeful (del 'hopeful') marriage full of joyful (del 'joyful') idealism and (add 'a') boisterous vision of a modern-day Camelot into a mundane, pragmatic tolerance: an untidy (del 'untidy') compromise that would not forgive the perpetuating (del 'perpetuating') error of infatuation's deceit. Neither Susan nor I made a unilateral (del 'unilateral') choice to untie the strangling knot—our incompatibility served as a no-fault, legal basis in our mutually amicable, surprisingly painless (del 'surprisingly painless') dissolution; in the end, we agreed on something beneficial for us both. And the only return we received from the seven-year investment was the hollowed-out answers to our questions in hindsight: what inattentive children we were, what an injustice the lonely bonding had become, what fools we were not to realize our mistake sooner.

There can be partial restorations to some of life's mistakes, I supposed; Sue remarried three weeks ago and restored the energy imbalance in her universe. I quietly sent flowers and called to wish her the best in her new life—with her somebody else.

But it still hurt. (i like this - the brevity, the exactness)

My previously expensive cover charge to reenter bachelorhood—now eased by Sue's remarrying—bought me a mélange of unfocused freedoms, desires, and new disappointments in exchange for the endowed (del 'endowed') intimacies of marriage. Those once inactive, unpracticed, tentative liberties now searched warily for unfamiliar companionship in the city's simmering social cauldron ready to scorch an unwary, bare ego or a soft, wandering touch.

It's funny how quickly I forgot things. Some of the fuzzy flashbacks of my former single life—piquant-flavored morsels all—callously invaded my subconscious. After I married, I really wanted to bury the "good life" and all of the bittersweet images and aftertastes. (choose either 'images' or 'aftertastes' - both is too much) Now, single again, I had to relearn that a famished heart grumbled after digesting the hurried (del 'hurried') junk food fixes of casual affections and cheap thrills. My infrequent evening foraging—blind dates, clubs, and singles bars—uncovered little more than the occasional high calorie pick-me-up treat with little nutrition. I remained chronically (del 'chronically') hungry.

Before I spiraled into a funk, Elizabeth, the office administrative assistant, pleasantly (del 'pleasantly') interrupted my morning musing. From a closing distance, (del 'From a closing distance,') she strode down the inside aisle toward my desk making eye contact with me. Potential mate? I quickly tucked my meditation back under my itchy skin and turned to grin at my morning's only bright spot. Her petite figure of twenty-eight years stepped lively down the office's middle aisle in a perfectly straight, invisible line. (you've said twice that she's coming down the aisle... only once is needed)

Clutching a bundle of file folders to her proud, curvaceous body—tightly packaged with shoulder length, jet-black hair that bobbed in harmony with her bouncing, 34D, pert breasts—Liz turned into the copier room to reproduce some reports for the monthly finance briefing. (show don't tell, i don't want to know all this stuff about her in one foul swoop like this - tell me through dialogue or reactions/actions what she looks like, much preferable) More invigorating than the outside air, I breathed in her clean fragrance as she passed my desk. I sighed aloud at her well-toned muscular legs and undulating ass accentuated by her tight fitting dress.

"Good morning, Eric," Elizabeth flirted. Her fresh bouquet delighted my nose after she walked passed. (try - as she passed me)

"Good morning, Liz," I replied smiling and started to daydream again. "You look particularly lovely today," I remarked. She always looked particularly lovely. (i love your dialogue, it flows. there is no flowery extra description to slow it down)

Elizabeth and I knew(s/b 'had known') each other for years, but slowly and gradually (del 'and gradually') over the past six months, she became a serious, steady friend who I admired and trusted intimately—oh, yes!—intimately. What a different marriage—a different life— (personally, i'd not use the - so close together with the last lot, try commas for this lot) it could have been with her. What would it take to progress to the next level? I think Freud would have found some solace in me as a subject—or patient. My freewheeling id (i'd prefer to see id as ID - not sure of the rule there though) continually coaxed my prudent (del 'prudent') ego to wrestle with two remaining conflicts that, if resolved, could promote a permanent relationship between Liz and me: (Liz and I) I wished I really knew if she loved me (she, of course, said she did), and I wished I could say that I really loved her.

Turning back to look at me with her smiling eyes, Liz tossed a dart at my ballooning reverie, "Billing problem?"

Pop! "What?" I asked, startled. "Oh, data entry error," I said, trying to reconcile an invoice typo for a single carton of paper with a seven-digit "Balance Due." Elizabeth's model face and tight form set off a bulging erection to pulse in my pants. I tried to resist, but her gaze enticed me to talk more than just business. "You can help me clear this up if you make a call to the supplier," I added.

"I'm supposed to assist you with payables; it's part of my job," Liz explained loud enough to create a reason for her to approach. (I have a personal hate for the colon and semi colon. I particularly don't like seeing it within dialogue, so i'd delete it and make the sentences shorter.)

Inviting herself to my desk, she started a quiet, helpful conversation. An anxious shiver ran up my back aided by the contrast of the cool window breeze and the warmth of Liz's affectionate, diminutive (del either 'affectionate or diminutive) frame. Pushing my chair further against my desk, I tried to conceal the throbbing muscle in my pant leg; there was no reason to be brazen about it.

Elizabeth leaned over to place her warm, aromatic (a face is aromatic?) face at the entrance of my ear. "What seems to be your problem?" she asked, no longer referring to the invoice error.

Intentionally nudging her pubis into my bicep, she squeezed her hand along my shoulder to massage my tense neck muscles.

"I think I can handle it," I responded without really protesting. Closing my eyes, my head tipped backward as my relaxed shoulders invited her soothing rub to continue.

"Are you sure? I know what's on your mind," she said. Bending forward to touch her cheek to mine, her sweet scent wafted across my nose.

Because others could be watching, I sat erect in my chair. "No, I'm not sure," I said, looking out of the corner of my eye at her pixie grin. "You came over to cheer me up, didn't you?"

Leaning over to wedge her firm, left breast, and large, erect nipple into my shoulder blade, Liz smiled and remarked, "Someone's intuition is working today." (try - '...wedge her firm breast with its large erect nipple...') She paused for my reaction. "Many of your friends are worried about your mood swings these past several ('several'? not a common word in dialogue i think) weeks. After all these months, why are you letting this get to you now?" (hmm second thoughts try this... 'Everyone's worried about you and your mood swings. Why are you letting it all get to you now?" - can you see the difference? less stilted, more natural actual speech i think)

"I know, I know," I sighed disgustedly. (del 'disgustedly' - in fact go through and get rid of any '..ly' words that you can, they are 'tell' not 'show' words) "I can't even fucking stand myself. Thanks for remembering. I'm just lost in it all . . . thinking. How can I not think about it?" I looked down at my bare, left hand. "Everyone worries too much about me. I'm going to worry more that you all worry," I tried to chuckle. (I tried to chuckle. try - I failed to chuckle - don't ask me why i thought that either)

"Time to move on, don't you think? She's remarried."

"Move on to what, honey?" I dryly asked. (del 'I dryly asked.' there are only two in the conversation, not every speech needs a tag all the time.)

"Move in with me, or let me move in with you." Liz responded, offering a grin.

"My question was what, not where," I retorted. "Anyway, I'm entitled to sulk a little. I've been too damned nice this past year. It's about time my real mood caught up with the times." (time twice in the same sentence seems too much - maybe - 'caught up with the real world'...?)

"You have it backwards. It's time that heals. Your cheerfulness was the result of you making the right decision over a year ago. Don't you think you were(try - you've been) honest with yourself for these past twelve months?" she asked. "Bring back your good humor from its hiatus. Some of this recent attitude change in you is really scaring some of us. You've almost become a different person." (hmm need to rework this whole speech - not naturally spoken language. ask if you want me to suggest some ideas for it)

"I'm still harmless," I joked. "I'm just in a rut and need a change."

"Marry me?" she seriously proposed. (if she seriously proposed it, it wouldn't be a question - to me it sounds better as a statement of fact.)

"That would be . . . an imaginative adjustment. You're at least focused this morning, aren't you?" I asked glibly. "That's also (del 'also') the fourth time you asked, but who's counting?"

"Apparently, you're not. It's only the third time. But I'll say yes if you offer, then we can stop keeping track," she bribed. "That's a promise."

"The male chauvinist in me still believes a guy should do the asking," I replied, looking at her erect nipples.

Secretly kissing my temple, she replied, "Okay . . . ask." ('secretly" wasn't a secret to him, try 'Her body shielded her kiss to my temple from prying eyes. "Okay... ask.")

"But it all hinges on that small, important detail; I have to get passed that step where I first have to say the word, right?" I countered.

Liz clasped my cheeks between her fingers to manipulate my lips. She tutored, "It's easy; say it with me: 'I love you, Liz.' When a guy says it, he means it. See?" (hmm, if she is openly this close to him, does the kiss to his temple earlier need to be hidden?)

"An interesting theory, coming from a woman," I replied with a muffled chuckle.

"Well, if you're not going to say it today, I have another idea." Bending closer to my ear, she whispered, "I bet a juicy, hard fuck can take your mind off things for a bit."

"How . . . thoughtful. You do have a soothing way with words," I complimented and (del 'complimented and') closed my eyes to imagine a sweltering sauna and our writhing, spooning bodies coupled for lustful, anal sex.

"A good masseuse helps with all the important muscle groups," she tendered. Liz stood upright to slide her hand along my back. "I'm here to fix what ails you."

"You could fix a rainy day, and you've always been a help to me," I replied truthfully. Looking up at her large, blue, unblinking eyes, I changed the subject to ask, "Did you ever notice how much Chelsea and Melia spend time staring at each other?" (try - "Did you ever notice how much time Chelsea and Melis spend staring at each other?")

Pressing her hands between her knees, Elizabeth leaned over to rest her chin in the groove between my neck and shoulder. "You really don't know about them?"

Her tickling chin (a chin doesn't tickle if it's resting there... it would be heavy to feel, not light - i think) made my cock throb. I looked over at the engaging pair as they silently (del 'silently') smiled at each other. "They recently became roommates, right?" I whispered. (try - "They're new roommates, right?")

My face and neck flushed red as Elizabeth blinked her long eyelashes along the tiny hairs of my outer ear. I could not ask her to stop—I loved it. (now this is light ticklish touches)

"You're so innocent and precious," she tenderly (del 'tenderly') sighed. "There is something about your naivety that I find very sexy." Suddenly, my (contemplated suggesting you change 'my' to 'the' - is she yours yet?) tigress pounced, "Wanna fuck me in the copier room?"

A bead of sweat formed on the back of my neck. After looking around to see if anyone heard her, I advised, "Maybe, we should try to stick with business this morning."

She sighed shamelessly in my ear, "I'm so fucking horny thinking about you, I can't stand it."

"Liz, please," I implored.

"All right," she assented, "if only for the moment." She answered my question with a question. "Can you keep a secret?"

"You know I can."

"They made me promise," Liz cautioned.

"I promise, damn it."

"They're an item," she whispered.

Fidgeting in my chair, I blinked myself into a trance. "Gee," I remarked under my breath. "I suppose . . . I think I'm like a lot of guys that really find that to be a huge turn on." (Is this guy dead? try - "I suppose... God, that's a turn on!")

Liz placed her warm hand on my shoulder and leaned over to secretly(secretly again? - hmm i think i'd probably lick your neck instead... ) kiss my neck. "They love each other. They talk to me openly about their romance when we go out for lunch. They're so charming and genuine. It's a huge turn on for me too," Liz divulged. "Say, that's another thing you and I have in common—romance between two lovers."

"We're really best friends," I corrected. "Did they ever ask you to join them in a three-way?" I pried. ('...I corrected, then pried "Did they...")

"No, because I told them I'm straight and committed to you," she said. ("No, because I told them I'm straight and I'm yours.")

"You did?" I asked, surprised. "And did you tell them I'm committed to you?" ("And did you tell them I'm yours?")

"No, but complete the equation for me. I want to hear the word from you," she urged under her breath. "Say it. You know you want to; deep down, you really mean it, and you'll feel better. I promise." (the first part of this dialogue isn't smooth - I want to hear the word from you. What word?)

"I'm not going there this morning," I warned.

"Oh, Eric, we're so much more than best friends," she almost pouted. (make her pout! take out the 'almost') "We are in love."

Pushing back, I hinted sarcastically (you're either sarcastic or your not, take out 'hinted'), "There are those that would say we're just fuck buddies."

Liz sighed and licked my ear. "Okay, buddy," she whispered, (full stop "Fuck...) "fuck me doggie-style in the copier room, or I'm going to masturbate in the restroom." It was her turn to taunt, "Maybe Chelsea, or Melia, or both will be in there. I bet they would love (they'd love) to listen to me rub my dripping, wet pussy. Why, I may even let them watch."

She was a temptress and knew precisely how and when to push my buttons. Unexpectedly, Chelsea and Melia rose from their silent conference and walked to the hallway exit. Maybe, they were off to find some quiet room to masturbate each other. Except for the two of us, the office, for the moment, was empty. I smiled at Liz while nodding at Chelsea and Melia leaving the room; we both anxiously waited for them to slip back in to the area (what's the name of this room?)—but they didn't.

Gathering her files in her left arm, Liz offered her right (del 'right') hand and tugged me from my chair into the copier room. She closed the door behind us and locked it from the inside. Approaching the copier, she fed the top tray with tabbed reports and punched the keypad for a dozen, collated sets; the noisy machine started its two-sided setup.

Turning to face me, she leaped upward to hang from my neck and offered her luscious lips for a hasty French kiss. My warm, open lips pressed fervently into hers;(I would prefer to hear that her lips were warm, not mine - sounds odd to comment like that, but it's to do with the POV - don't gloat about yourself it doesn't sound right for some reason) my left (del 'left') hand cupped the back of her head as she opened her mouth to accept my wild, darting tongue. She tasted as sweet as honey. With my right hand, (del 'with my right hand') I cupped her supple breast and dark, large nipple through her knit top and sheer bra. (how do you know her nipple is large and dark through her clothing? a knit top would probably cloud the size of her nipple, think what you'd actually see.)

Liz kneaded her open hand along my rigid shaft to stroke it upward from my hanging, (del 'hanging') aching balls up to the protruding outline of my glans, then cycled along its pulsing length with lustful strokes. Breathing rampantly after a long, passing minute, our friction-reddened lips finally parted through moistened gasps. (see i read this ahead of what you'd written. when you say 'Liz kneaded her open hand along my rigid shaft..." my hand (in my imagination) is already moving along your shaft, so why mention the hanging balls? her hand is further on from them... they missed their entrance... if you want to include them you need to do it earlier or in another grope.)

"I have the only key," she said, catching her breath. "We don't have much time. I thought about you all last evening and this morning." Turning around to bend over a small table, she quickly lifted up her dress to expose her black-laced panties. "Please, hurry, and fuck me," she implored.

The active urgency in her voice to fuse our solitude drove me wild. "Damn, Liz," I whispered.

Just above noise of the copier, she urged, "I'm so wet, I can taste it. Give it to me."

Liz wiggled her luscious ass in the air to entice further assistance with her tight dress. I carefully rolled up the knit fabric past her wide hips and thin waist sliding my open palms along her smooth, fever-hot skin. My pupils dilated at the thought of her wanton invitation. After uncoiling (uncoiling???? omg!) my cramped erection in my pants with my hand, the throbbing pole uncomfortably sprung upward to wedge against my belt buckle. (showoff ) Instinctively, I pressed my elongating (is there such a word as 'elongating?') muscle along the large, moistened spot in the crease of her panties.

"Don't linger," she murmured impatiently. (murmured and impatiently together?) "Pull them down."

Unhurriedly, I pawed my palms along Liz's full hips to finger and slide the elastic, (del the comma) waistband of her damp panties down to the mid-point of her thighs. Visually excited at her flushed skin, I clamped my middle and ring fingers together to stroke her waist and hips with a titillating touch, sliding them across her perfectly formed ass cheeks to the inside of her shaven vulva.

She spread her legs further apart to allow me easier access to her inflamed inner thighs. Viscous dew instantly (del 'instantly') coated my wandering, petting fingers. Gasping aloud, Liz arched her back to pump her ass while I fondled her distended, moist, labial lips. After a long swipe, I withdrew my fingers and licked off a long, stringy thread of clear, sweet precum.

"You're very hot and wet," I noted, smacking my lips.

"Don't tease me," she panted.

Unbuckling my belt to allow my pants to drop to my calves, my unassisted cock poked through the opening in my boxer shorts; a minor time convenience, there was no need to pull my underwear down further. (there are three 'to's in the first part of the sentence) Clutching my leaking erection, I glided its sensitive, mushroom head along the length of her swollen gash slathering it with slippery, preseminal fluid. Reaching around her thigh to feel for her large, erect (del 'large, erect') clit, I delicately brushed the tip of her hardened nub with my middle finger. Her slit sweltered to my lubricating touch as she arched her back and shook her perfectly formed ass into the air. The sight of her nude, lower back and round orbs unleashed a primeval desire to hump my pelvis along her creviced flesh.

"Fuck it!" Liz demanded.

While grabbing her hip with my left hand, I guided my turgid pole along her steamy vagina with my right. (try - I grabbed her hip with my hand then guided my...') Her pussy dripped with moisture signaling her readiness to receive my expanding manhood. (this thing just gets bigger and bigger ) With my hands free, I wiped my palms along her washboard ribs (a woman with 'washboard ribs'? oh gee - i thought that was a man phrase) to encircle her full breasts. Fanning each excited nipple first with my open fingers, I stopped to pinch and pull on her (del 'her') the large aureoles away from her firm, upturned mounds.

I gently plugged my pulsing cock's engorged head at the entrance of her willing, wet hole. Forcefully, I ravaged my spearing shaft into her spongy depths up to the entrance of her cervix.

Breathing sporadically, she moaned aloud, "That's it—do it again, baby. Don't stop now; fuck it hard and deep."

Closing my eyes, I grunted with a primitive purpose to jackhammer my cock into her. "You . . . should . . . not . . . have . . . done . . . this."

"Punish . . . me . . . then," she gasped convulsively; (be daring, ignore microsofts suggestion of using the semi-colon, i do) her white-knuckled fingers tightly clasped (is 'clasped' a clenching type fingernail digging grip?) the edges of the table.

Liz's bucking hips welcomed the increasing rate and intensity of my pelvic thrusts. Fucking her smooth, velvety depths impulsively, (del 'impulsively') I tried to impregnate my captive female in heat. Over the sounds of her disjointed gasps and moans, I pounded her sopping flesh until my determined goring of her sodden hole reached its peak; my upper body tensed and firmed to divert all energy of motion to my penetrating, rigid muscle. In less than a short, euphoric minute, (you timed it? - add timing to the dump-the-measurement category) we ignited the fireworks to set off our explosive throes of passion.

"Get ready," I cautioned. (cautioned? sounds tame to the fires in that room)

"Squirt it in me," she moaned.

Bowing my neck to face the ceiling, my eyes rolled to the back of head while I locked my jaw to grit my teeth. Grunting loudly, my stiff cock powered forward to jet prolonged torrents of hot cum into her womb; surging, volcanic releases of pressured, steamy, liquid ecstasy erupted from the pit in my loins. ('I locked my jaw, gritted my teeth and grunted loudly. My stiff...' the first part sounds like he's going to turn into an alien or something)

My head jerked forward; my mouth gaped; my eyes opened, but I remained oblivious to my surroundings. Repeatedly, blasts of flowing heat spewed free from my pulsing organ to deluge her silky cavern.

"A-h-h-h," I urgently exhaled, "cum for me baby." (would it fit into the Romance Category if he cums first? - i dunno, just a thought)

"Oh, God, I feel your hot jizz spurting in me," she cried. It pushed her over the top. "Oh, fuck! I'm cumming, sweetie. I'm cumming!" she whimpered.

As her head angled back to me in profile, her eyes winced shut, her torso stiffened, and her mouth opened satisfyingly. I continued to ram my spouting cock into her firm body. Yanking her hips back against my abdomen, my sex muscle again rocketed final bursts of man-juice into the convulsing depths of her vagina.

"Oh, Liz," I groaned.

"Keep . . . fucking . . . me," she begged.


*****
okay, this is the first webpage. nice way to drag me into the second page though.

1. knowing my limited technical writing skills, i think you've done really well. if i picked up a spelling error on this first page i don't recall it.

2. the story and it's believability so far? it's good. it's a little too measurmenty in places and almost sickly sweet with description at times. i personally would like to see less description. i like to use my own imagination. the other thing i might say is that their bodies are both just too perfect. no defects. it kind of makes me aware it's fantasy and not reality. when i read i like to lose myself in the story, the more reality, the easier that is to do. 'almost perfect' is better than 'too perfect'.

with regard to the measurements/shopping list type descriptions, the more explicit detail you give the reader, the less likely the reader is able to loose themselves in your story.

eg. you mentioned a specific hand and specific breast. this is kind of extreme, but think about a reader who has a broken arm and can't use the hand you mentioned. or how about a woman who has had to have a masectomy and doesn't have the breast you chose.

i know they're harsh examples, but when you use specific details you alienate some readers and if you're writing for a website there are going to be a certain amount of people who for varying reasons are not able to have the kind of sex they want in real life and are here looking for it. so a good reason for not having measurements in your writing is that you're considering others.

sorry i waffled with that one... not sure if i made a good point or not. it seems logical to me. feel free to ask or argue

3. characters developed sufficiently. they seem okay to this point. though i would suggest that you use definate expressions, ie 'almost pouting'... make her pout, they are your characters to develop, make them actually really do things, not just 'think' about them or 'almost', or 'seemingly' do them.

4. i disliked the over floweryness. it was too much and put me off. i liked the storyline so far. very doable. fucking in a copier room. love the thought of it.

5. hmm i commented on the romance thing somewhere... right found it. if he comes first does it fit into romance? i have a feeling only, that it doesn't. at least in mills and boon type stories the man never comes first. in Litland, anything happens

6. the resubmission is your own choice. either you can put into practice what you've learnt or gleaned with this story, or you can show it in your next story. it personally doesn't worry me what you do. if i put a story up for the SDC, i will resubmit again so that those who had an input into the work can see what resulted.

overall opinion on the first page:

Well done! don't give up doing something you enjoy. keep an open mind and the learning will be so much easier. write more!


let me know your thoughts on this so far, and if you want me to continue with the next page.

 

[Guest]

Reserved for SWO's edits...

…

I’m not going to respond to your comments blow-by-blow, SWO. Some of them seem to be useful correction and helpful, particularly regarding the favorite critique them so far: word economy; but some of them discuss elements of style, and there, all I can say is, I’ll consider your comments as well as the others made here during my revision.

*****
okay, this is the first webpage. nice way to drag me into the second page though.

1. knowing my limited technical writing skills, i think you've done really well. if i picked up a spelling error on this first page i don't recall it.
I had hoped my word processor caught most of the spelling—but there are likely far more punctuation and grammar issues that could (should) be found.

2. the story and it's believability so far? it's good. it's a little too measurmenty in places and almost sickly sweet with description at times. i personally would like to see less description. i like to use my own imagination. the other thing i might say is that their bodies are both just too perfect. no defects. it kind of makes me aware it's fantasy and not reality. when i read i like to lose myself in the story, the more reality, the easier that is to do. 'almost perfect' is better than 'too perfect'.
Perfect? Come now, SWO. OK, how “big/long/thick” is his cock? How “tall” is he, really? What color hair does “he” have? What color are “his” eyes? Does he have any “facial hair”? Try and find specifics about “him” in the story. I selected the female—our heroine—to be described in vivid detail. Was I imbalanced (no pun intended)? You bet I was—intentionally!

with regard to the measurements/shopping list type descriptions, the more explicit detail you give the reader, the less likely the reader is able to loose themselves in your story.
Perhaps. But I like “visual”.

eg. you mentioned a specific hand and specific breast. this is kind of extreme, but think about a reader who has a broken arm and can't use the hand you mentioned. or how about a woman who has had to have a masectomy and doesn't have the breast you chose.

i know they're harsh examples, but when you use specific details you alienate some readers and if you're writing for a website there are going to be a certain amount of people who for varying reasons are not able to have the kind of sex they want in real life and are here looking for it. so a good reason for not having measurements in your writing is that you're considering others.

sorry i waffled with that one... not sure if i made a good point or not. it seems logical to me. feel free to ask or argue

I’m not quite sure what your point is either, SWO. That level of detail was for the sake of continuity (Rumple calls it choreography), and was certainly not done, intentionally, to insult or alienate readers! Hell, I could easily do THAT but just having a certain “wordy” writing style, or by my Lit nic selection, or by my posting my AV, or by just being a “guy” to a gal that hates men but still reads romances, LOL. So how careful do I need to be? Sounds rather restrictive, doesn’t it—trying to be careful? If we had to write law or a safety procedure or an operating manual for table saw, I suppose that level of care would require me to carry a different weight to the task since there’s an attendant responsibility to the public good at large. But I’m also here on Lit to take chances writing porn (and we can’t write about “extreme” sex or anyone under 18) and put what I like on paper—I also write for me! I happen to like the detail, and there are other guys, that read this story, away from this thread, that have commented on the positive aspects of it! I do consider my readers, but I don’t (and can’t) write to please everyone.

3. characters developed sufficiently. they seem okay to this point. though i would suggest that you use definate expressions, ie 'almost pouting'... make her pout, they are your characters to develop, make them actually really do things, not just 'think' about them or 'almost', or 'seemingly' do them.
I’ll consider your comments. But I specifically chose that term so she didn’t seem to be a ‘cry-baby’. Liz, in this story, is a very strong individual—in many ways, stronger and more mature than the troubled Eric.

4. i disliked the over floweryness. it was too much and put me off. i liked the storyline so far. very doable. fucking in a copier room. love the thought of it.
Thanks for your comment. Your “floweryness” comment, joined with some of the others on that bandwagon, seems to side with reducing the number of words and modifiers (adjectives and adverbs). I’ve discussed this in previous posts.

5. hmm i commented on the romance thing somewhere... right found it. if he comes first does it fit into romance? i have a feeling only, that it doesn't. at least in mills and boon type stories the man never comes first. in Litland, anything happens I had my reasons for him cumming first (and I didn’t realize there was some girl-before-guy sequence or a protocol that needed to be followed here, lol!) It will remain a romance, nevertheless.

6. the resubmission is your own choice. either you can put into practice what you've learnt or gleaned with this story, or you can show it in your next story. it personally doesn't worry me what you do. if i put a story up for the SDC, i will resubmit again so that those who had an input into the work can see what resulted.
Per my previous comments, I intend to resubmit with edits.

overall opinion on the first page:

Well done! don't give up doing something you enjoy. keep an open mind and the learning will be so much easier. write more!

Hmmm—just a little confused, SWO. Your comment just seems inconsistent to me with your critique above. Oh, well, thanks anyway.

let me know your thoughts on this so far, and if you want me to continue with the next page.
I’ve responded to your PM regarding same.

BTW, I’m not one to make the call whether you continue or not, or if anyone else does for that matter. As far as I know, anyone can critique, comment, and “discuss” to their heart’s content.

KillerMuffin may have something to say about this, not me.

 

[wildsweetone]

yes i'm adding in my thoughts as i can squeeze in the time hope it's okay so far.

don't forget, it's your story and your choice what to like and not like about my suggestions.

i'm only going on feelings.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi PRM,

Nice effort. You've got talent and an excellent vocabulary. Good observation, i.e., about 'pineapple'.

As wildsweetgenius says, it's overly lush, esp. in adjectives.
In terms of porn it makes me aware you're trying to turn me on, like a cheap ho grabs a potential client's cock.

So paras taken from page 1

Liz kneaded her open hand along my rigid shaft to stroke it upward from my hanging, aching balls up to the protruding outline of my glans, then cycled along its pulsing length with lustful strokes. Breathing rampantly after a long, passing minute, our friction-reddened lips finally parted through moistened gasps.

Most adjectives here are superfluous. Esp. the doubles.

While grabbing her hip with my left hand, I guided my turgid pole along her steamy vagina with my right. Her pussy dripped with moisture signaling her readiness to receive my expanding manhood. With my hands free, I wiped my palms along her washboard ribs to encircle her full breasts. Fanning each excited nipple first with my open fingers, I stopped to pinch and pull on her the large aureoles away from her firm, upturned mounds.

Here the diction lapses. Who says 'turgid pole'. Be slangy or erudite, make up your mind.


I gently plugged my pulsing cock's engorged head at the entrance of her willing, wet hole. Forcefully, I ravaged my spearing shaft into her spongy depths up to the entrance of her cervix.

Too much. Most of the adjectives are bothersome.

On each upstroke and extraction, she lapped my runny load onto her frenzied, twirling tongue. After each successive suck, she smacked her smiling lips of white droplets while looking up at me with her large, unblinking eyes as she swallowed. Electric spasms bolted up my spine with each engulfing mouthing of my pulsing, sensitive glans. Finally, with one, long, slow swallow, she inched down my turgid shaft licking and vacuuming all of the remaining gooey, white trickles. She finally separated from me to reveal my clean, glistening manhood.

This also shows a problem of total, 100% fantasy, the 'large unblinking eyes'. The perfect bj. Unintended consonance: she smacked her smiling lips.

What you must do, my man is post this above your desk
LESS IS MORE

and follow it. You've got great ideas, just try for more 'punch', less erudition. Think of the most powerful poems (besides Poe's**) and stories you've read, and look at their adjective and adverb 'counts'. Very roughly you won't see much with more than 10% adjectives, 5% adverbs (compared to total words.)

Best,

J.

**
"and the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain..."

Why does he get away with it: because it's fresh, surprising. In the case of 'expanding manhood' 'pulsing glans' 'turgid shaft' it's all very predictable. Rote porn, as it were.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

.

 

[wildsweetone]

wildsweetgenius? that's a first

seriously, i'm still learning along with everyone else *smile*

 

[Guest]

Reserved for abashed-dreamer comments...

Hi PRM,
.
.
.

What you must do, my man is post this above your desk
LESS IS MORE

and follow it. You've got great ideas, just try for more 'punch', less erudition. Think of the most powerful poems (besides Poe's**) and stories you've read, and look at their adjective and adverb 'counts'. Very roughly you won't see much with more than 10% adjectives, 5% adverbs (compared to total words.)

Best,

J.

**
"and the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain..."

Why does he get away with it: because it's fresh, surprising. In the case of 'expanding manhood' 'pulsing glans' 'turgid shaft' it's all very predictable. Rote porn, as it were.

______

Thanks A-D for taking the time to read this and comment.

Your critique seems to be in line with several made before. I will carefully consider this on the re-edit as well as future stories.

Regards,
Manxy

 

[wildsweetone]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by wildsweetone

…

I’m not going to respond to your comments blow-by-blow, SWO. Some of them seem to be useful correction and helpful, particularly regarding the favorite critique them so far: word economy; but some of them discuss elements of style, and there, all I can say is, I’ll consider your comments as well as the others made here during my revision.

*****
okay, this is the first webpage. nice way to drag me into the second page though.

1. knowing my limited technical writing skills, i think you've done really well. if i picked up a spelling error on this first page i don't recall it.
I had hoped my word processor caught most of the spelling—but there are likely far more punctuation and grammar issues that could (should) be found.
some of the grammar issues that my Word processing program picks up i would argue with. If you're going to use your WP program then use it sparingly... we don't all want to write like Mr Gates Clones.

2. the story and it's believability so far? it's good. it's a little too measurmenty in places and almost sickly sweet with description at times. i personally would like to see less description. i like to use my own imagination. the other thing i might say is that their bodies are both just too perfect. no defects. it kind of makes me aware it's fantasy and not reality. when i read i like to lose myself in the story, the more reality, the easier that is to do. 'almost perfect' is better than 'too perfect'.
Perfect? Come now, SWO. OK, how “big/long/thick” is his cock? How “tall” is he, really? What color hair does “he” have? What color are “his” eyes? Does he have any “facial hair”? Try and find specifics about “him” in the story. I selected the female—our heroine—to be described in vivid detail. Was I imbalanced (no pun intended)? You bet I was—intentionally!
it's your story and your preference dear
with regard to the measurements/shopping list type descriptions, the more explicit detail you give the reader, the less likely the reader is able to loose themselves in your story.
Perhaps. But I like “visual”.
there are other ways of being 'visual' without listing assets. you can include description into dialogue between characters, you can include description via a characters actions or reactions. they don't have to be listed to be visual. again, it's your preference though
eg. you mentioned a specific hand and specific breast. this is kind of extreme, but think about a reader who has a broken arm and can't use the hand you mentioned. or how about a woman who has had to have a masectomy and doesn't have the breast you chose.

i know they're harsh examples, but when you use specific details you alienate some readers and if you're writing for a website there are going to be a certain amount of people who for varying reasons are not able to have the kind of sex they want in real life and are here looking for it. so a good reason for not having measurements in your writing is that you're considering others.

sorry i waffled with that one... not sure if i made a good point or not. it seems logical to me. feel free to ask or argue

I’m not quite sure what your point is either, SWO. That level of detail was for the sake of continuity (Rumple calls it choreography), and was certainly not done, intentionally, to insult or alienate readers! Hell, I could easily do THAT but just having a certain “wordy” writing style, or by my Lit nic selection, or by my posting my AV, or by just being a “guy” to a gal that hates men but still reads romances, LOL. So how careful do I need to be? Sounds rather restrictive, doesn’t it—trying to be careful? If we had to write law or a safety procedure or an operating manual for table saw, I suppose that level of care would require me to carry a different weight to the task since there’s an attendant responsibility to the public good at large. But I’m also here on Lit to take chances writing porn (and we can’t write about “extreme” sex or anyone under 18) and put what I like on paper—I also write for me! I happen to like the detail, and there are other guys, that read this story, away from this thread, that have commented on the positive aspects of it! I do consider my readers, but I don’t (and can’t) write to please everyone.
please explain 'That level of detail was for the sake of continuity (Rumple calls it choreography), and was certainly not done, intentionally, to insult or alienate readers!' what do you mean by 'continuity'? - remember i'm learning too.

3. characters developed sufficiently. they seem okay to this point. though i would suggest that you use definate expressions, ie 'almost pouting'... make her pout, they are your characters to develop, make them actually really do things, not just 'think' about them or 'almost', or 'seemingly' do them.
I’ll consider your comments. But I specifically chose that term so she didn’t seem to be a ‘cry-baby’. Liz, in this story, is a very strong individual—in many ways, stronger and more mature than the troubled Eric.
okay so 'almost pouting' could be put another way... i.e. her lower lip trembled, or her lower lip swelled... or ?

4. i disliked the over floweryness. it was too much and put me off. i liked the storyline so far. very doable. fucking in a copier room. love the thought of it.
Thanks for your comment. Your “floweryness” comment, joined with some of the others on that bandwagon, seems to side with reducing the number of words and modifiers (adjectives and adverbs). I’ve discussed this in previous posts.

5. hmm i commented on the romance thing somewhere... right found it. if he comes first does it fit into romance? i have a feeling only, that it doesn't. at least in mills and boon type stories the man never comes first. in Litland, anything happens I had my reasons for him cumming first (and I didn’t realize there was some girl-before-guy sequence or a protocol that needed to be followed here, lol!) It will remain a romance, nevertheless.
actually it was mainly instinctual that gave me that thought. i could be wrong... it might be worth sticking a poll in the Hangout and seeing what others think are the most important requirements of the 'romance' category.

6. the resubmission is your own choice. either you can put into practice what you've learnt or gleaned with this story, or you can show it in your next story. it personally doesn't worry me what you do. if i put a story up for the SDC, i will resubmit again so that those who had an input into the work can see what resulted.
Per my previous comments, I intend to resubmit with edits.
glad to hear it. i'll look forward to reading the new story.

overall opinion on the first page:

Well done! don't give up doing something you enjoy. keep an open mind and the learning will be so much easier. write more!

Hmmm—just a little confused, SWO. Your comment just seems inconsistent to me with your critique above. Oh, well, thanks anyway.
it is as simple as it's said. you are a writer who has a gift with words and your own style. just because there are adjectives galore doesn't mean it's a bad story or that you're a bad writer. the 'well done' comment refers to the fact that you've written and submitted a story. the 'don't give up doing something you enjoy' means simply that, if you enjoy it, then learn and improve. 'keep an open mind' is simply what it says, if you are openminded to learning the learning will be easier. and 'write more' means WRITE MORE because i'd like to read more.


let me know your thoughts on this so far, and if you want me to continue with the next page.
I’ve responded to your PM regarding same.

BTW, I’m not one to make the call whether you continue or not, or if anyone else does for that matter. As far as I know, anyone can critique, comment, and “discuss” to their heart’s content.

KillerMuffin may have something to say about this, not me.

 

[Guest]

I think I'm becoming dyslexic, LOL. Sorry for the "SWO" references, earlier, WSO.

1. some of the grammar issues that my Word processing program picks up i would argue with. If you're going to use your WP program then use it sparingly... we don't all want to write like Mr Gates Clones.
I use it as my backup spell checker, mostly. And I agree with you wholeheartedly regarding its limited use as a grammar checker. Any software "tool" like this should ONLY be used as a guide.

2. it's your story and your preference dear
with regard to the measurements/shopping list type descriptions, the more explicit detail you give the reader, the less likely the reader is able to loose themselves in your story.
Perhaps. But I like “visual”.
there are other ways of being 'visual' without listing assets. you can include description into dialogue between characters, you can include description via a characters actions or reactions. they don't have to be listed to be visual. again, it's your preference though
The 'asset' discussion, so far, has been very good, and something I will correct as I continue to write. And some comments about wordiness, overuse of descriptors, etc., have lots of merit too. And I'm still trying to find a style, and I suppose, like a lot of other guilty newbie writers, I have a tendency to err on the side of conservative vs. lean (an easy thing to do). The 'hard' thing seems contrary to logic, doesn't it?: Write using a minimum number of words!

please explain 'That level of detail was for the sake of continuity (Rumple calls it choreography), and was certainly not done, intentionally, to insult or alienate readers!' what do you mean by 'continuity'? - remember i'm learning too.
Continuity is simply an orderly sequence of events in a story (or film). It's particularly important in the film industry since most scenes are shot out of sequence. What becomes important, then, after the rushes are back after a shot, is to make the "ends" of the shot match up to the front and back of previous takes (or new planned scenes) so the storyline and visuals are logically connected. There are gaggles of people, literally, that work on a film to insure the story can be glued together, as it is BEING shot, so when finally editing is done, the scenes can be seemlessly spliced together to make sense.

Story writing is are far more linear process, but there could be a tendency by some, like me, that may work on "other" parts of a story and then 'glue' the scenes together. Rumple mentioned Liz's walk down the office aisle as one sequence that is 'not quite right' when she turned into the copier room--a continuity error (Rumple calls it choregraphy--a term used more in dance; I like continuity--a term used more in film).

3. okay so 'almost pouting' could be put another way... i.e. her lower lip trembled, or her lower lip swelled... or ? There may always be a better way, WSO, for others that want to take what's written and re-write their version of what is better. So I can't argue with that, and it is your suggestion. But consider this (tongue-in-cheek), 'almost pouting' is only two words compared with 'her lower lip trembled.'

5. actually it was mainly instinctual that gave me that thought. i could be wrong... it might be worth sticking a poll in the Hangout and seeing what others think are the most important requirements of the 'romance' category. Perhaps. But polls on Lit are notoriously unscientific and I doubt they can help me anticipate reactions in a larger audience, some of which may not even be members of Lit and still read Lit stories. (Hell, I'm still trying to figure out the fucking crazy voting that takes place on stories--some of which are terribly written, but receive hi scores because of the category--some are well-written, but receive low scores--because of what?) Anyway, IMHO, this is an office romance, and it will remain in the Romance Category.

6. glad to hear it. i'll look forward to reading the new story.
BTW, honey, I really do appreciate your comments and discussion here. To others, it may seem we are arguing, but we know better.

overall opinion on the first page:

Well done! don't give up doing something you enjoy. keep an open mind and the learning will be so much easier. write more!

Hmmm—just a little confused, SWO. Your comment just seems inconsistent to me with your critique above. Oh, well, thanks anyway.
it is as simple as it's said. you are a writer who has a gift with words and your own style. just because there are adjectives galore doesn't mean it's a bad story or that you're a bad writer. the 'well done' comment refers to the fact that you've written and submitted a story. the 'don't give up doing something you enjoy' means simply that, if you enjoy it, then learn and improve. 'keep an open mind' is simply what it says, if you are openminded to learning the learning will be easier. and 'write more' means WRITE MORE because i'd like to read more.
Okay. Thank you very much, again. Your initial comment just struck me a little differently.

And I'm certainly pleased with general response to the story as well as the constructive suggestions made to help with this 'discussion' and help me to improve.

 

[Xodus]

Hi Manx
I am new here, and don't really feel very comfortable whacking on your story. Maby after a few of mine have been cut up, I will feel better about it
I tend to agree with most of the posts. You seem to have great writing talent and grammar skills along with a tremendous vocabulary.
I also found myself rereading quite a bit, which was not very enjoyable.
You do tend to use a lot of adverbs and adjectives. I think too many at times, but I do think there is a time to use a lot of them in an erotic story. That would be when describing the sex.
Such as: Her hot, juicy, throbbing, ruby red cunt lips.
Keep up the good work. I am looking forward to your next one

 

[Guest]

Hi Manx
I am new here, and don't really feel very comfortable whacking on your story. Maby after a few of mine have been cut up, I will feel better about it
I tend to agree with most of the posts. You seem to have great writing talent and grammar skills along with a tremendous vocabulary.
I also found myself rereading quite a bit, which was not very enjoyable.
You do tend to use a lot of adverbs and adjectives. I think too many at times, but I do think there is a time to use a lot of them in an erotic story. That would be when describing the sex.
Such as: Her hot, juicy, throbbing, ruby red cunt lips.
Keep up the good work. I am looking forward to your next one

_____

Hi, Xodus.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and for your comments. I'm sure you realize by now, that all it takes to offer up a critique or criticism on Lit (on any Board) is having some patience to read something and say what's on your mind. It's that easy. So, my advice (not that you need any) is don't feel intimidated or uncomfortable on Lit's remarkable site--it is an extraordinary place where we can freely talk openly about many things. It's also a place where everyone needs and deserves a good, humbling 'whack' once in awhile, LOL! (and yes, you are NOT on the BDSM Board!) .

Your comments are, of course, yours, and as a 'reader' of mine, I have to listen to them (feedback for me is like eating sunflower seeds--I'm addicted to it--like Lit!). To the extent I make big changes in my future writing is influenced by feedback and commentary, like that on this thread, and other readers, and to a lesser extent, from the ratings I receive for each story.

So, again, yes, I like modifiers, adjectives, and adverbs. But some readers and writers don't (Mark Twain reviled them). And if it does cause problems for an erotic read or a 'jack' story, well, I have to sit back and think, is it worth continuing with that style, or should I modify and adapt?

Regarding my vocabulary, well, it's taken me 47 years to get to this point ... I don't plan to 'dummy down', but I do have to be careful with the use of that asset, as well. But you can also 'hire' a dictionary to help (I do)--I keep one handy when I read.

But I have received other constructive and positive critiques in PM's and in e-mails, contradicting some of what was said in commentary here.

So, what to do?

Based on the personalized feedback here, a more intimate dialog and careful study of stories, I do plan to modify my style, slightly, and retest it on future stories. Look, I write for my fans that like to read my spew. If they get little or no enjoyment out of it, it certainly doesn't make me feel good about the effort I put into it.

Welcome to Lit, Xodus. Enjoy your stay and I look forward to reading your stories as well.

Thanks again,

Manxy

 

[Xodus]

Thanks for the kind words, Manx
I did offer a story up for disection on the Feedback Forum, but noone has made any comments yet.