Punishment long distance

[Rrrosyn]

I am glad you liked the "illusion of trust" comment. I do not see how it can be anything else. Trust is faith in another human being. There is no way to prove someone is being trustworthy. If you try, then you have no trust in them. Since it can only exist without really "knowing" it is real, it must be an illusion. (Although I have been in relationships where it was more of a delusion.)

 

[Rrrosyn]

On the topic of "cutting off communication" I just don't get it. If someone just stopped talking to me, I'd be hurt. Now I am not submissive but I do not even use the silent treatment for more than 5-10 minutes at home because I know this "distance" hurts j.

It is a low tactic from the schoolyard saying, "I don't wanna play with you no more," and it assumes lack of communication is a good thing, IMO. People who have been upset with things I have said and just stopped talking with me have gotten a curt note simply stating that I do not need immature people in my life and when they are ready to have open communication, they may reply... otherwise, whatever. No one is so important that I am going to put my life on hold to check my email every 15 minutes in hopes and anticipation that s/he might be finally talking to me again.

I met j online (RPG not a sex-topic chat/forum) and the D/s started via phone months before he moved in with me. I have also done online Domination -3 years of it- and know from experience that some people lie and some people don't and some people just say, "No," and turn their IM off. My previous message mentioned delusion because I have also been young, stupid and in love with the idea of being in love. Sometimes I still get to be stupid.

 

[alice_underneath]

Repeat after me - you do not know this person, you only know what they want you to know. You are not close, you do not have a relationship. You have a shared fantasy which can be fun & interesting but no, it's not deep & meaningful at this level, just an outlet.

Imagine that a well-intentioned person walked up to one of the masochists here, grabbed them by the shoulders, and said:

"Repeat after me - you do not have to take this, people who love each other do not hit each other. He does not love you, you do not have a relationship. What you have is abuse, it's not real love, just an outlet for your partner's sick desire to hurt other people."

Why would a well-intentioned person say this? Because they have never been in a sado-masochistic relationship, and they do not understand what sado-masochism is all about.

Although it may not be my thing, and obviously isn't yours, these relationships will vary from person to person. Who are you or I to point at them and say "That isn't a relationship." Everybody's different. Including the ways they connect emotionally with people.

Exactly. Very well said.

But if he is never going to meet me, I would lie, lie and lie a bit more.
How would he know, and why would I care?

The obvious answer is - you would "care" if you took the relationship seriously. Just because you can not imagine taking this type of relationship seriously, doesn't mean that no one else on the planet does.

As someone who is neither masochistic nor interested in LDRs, I read about a lot of things here and think, WOW! People do that?! As incubus'_sub said, "my mind boggles".

But I have no right to criticize others for finding fulfillment and passion in ways I can not fathom.

Nobody does.

Just my opinion.
Alice

 

[RJMasters]

Ty for enjoying my writing and respecting my thoughts.

I think the only area which we differ here is how close or real can two people develop an "online only" relationship.

I think that is why I prefaced my post here in this topic that "punishment" can only be in "porportion" to the realness felt by both in the OL relationship. You and Shy obviously feel that level of closenest cannot be reached online and if it is, it is just some fantasy. Thank you for giving me the chance to re-think what I believe and reconfirm my own thoughts on this matter.

As to my personal life...yes my family will always come before any relationship online. The people who know me or who are close to me, know and understand that and its never been a problem as I am upfront about it.

Although you might be a bit incorrect in your thinking that I am only online...as I have always endeavored to meet those I can who I know online in RL and have always spoken with them via the phone if they wish it.

There are those here on Lit that have met me in RL and they know I am the same online or in RL. I certainly am no super Dom, I am just a guy, but the friendships and even those closer than friends are real enough to me, so that's good enough for me.

Yeh, thank you Shy, for your honesty.

I know that many people get wrapped up in their online lives, but it does worry me when they believe they have to take it to such extremes and it does seem to be at the expense of their real lives, friends & partners.

I enjoy RJ's writings and respect his thoughts, but his true close relationship is with his wife, not the online subs he communicates with. I suspect that this is true of many people who indulge their fantasies online. Yet somewhere there is a sub (or multiple subs) who apparently believe that their relationship with him is so real & unique that they are prepared to do stuff like this to themselves because he says to.

I'm being honest too and not saying what I think about this would put me in the crowd at the Emperor's Parade. I agree that everybody's different & has different views, but if they have the right to point at themselves & say "this is a real relationship" then I reserve the right to say "dream on, sucker".

 

[FurryFury]

My take...

Ahem, online relationships debate eh?

First, I would like to say that I have never neglected my husband for an online relationship and I've had a few. In fact, our relationship has only benefited greatly from the online relationships I have had.

Second, online relationships do feel real in some ways, gloriously real and full of hope at first, at least for me.

Third, whenever I had what I would call an online Master, I would do anything within my hard limits that he wanted me to do period. If he wanted me to do something that I felt I could not or that I didn't want to do, I would either do it anyway or explain why I felt I could not do it. I would never be dishonest about it because for ME that invalidates the whole relationship and that relationship means a very great deal to me. It's the difference between darkness and light, at times, for me. I need it. I can't have it in my real life and this way I can have just a little of it and some hope.

One of my goals is to not need punishment because I only want to make him happy, which in turn makes me very happy. I tend to believe that people who talk about punishment a lot whether they are Dominant or submissive are not using punishment the way I see it at all. I see it as something unpleasant to correct behavior that was errant (and hopefully willfully errant.)

When a lot of punishment is needed IMHO it's because the Dominant is using it to feel more in control and secure, the submissive is testing the control of the Dominant and/or they are actually talking about a form of play they both enjoy. The whole, " oh I'm so naughty punish me please thing," may make for fun play, but it is play and not real punishment. I don't like that, generally, though I have played along at times. I like to say hey, we both like it when you spank me so let's just call it what it is, spanking because we like it.

If someone feels they constantly have to punish me, which no one has, it would make me feel horrible because it would mean that either I was constantly fucking up or that they were just a mean and or insecure bastard I should kick to the curb, ya know? Mean SOB versus simply sadistic (which I don't mind.) I have to feel they care about me or I won't be able to trust them at all.

Now by their very nature online relationships either have to change to more or have to go away 95% of the time. Most people just can't seem to stay happy with what they can freely have. They always want more. Specifically they usually want what they can't fucking have and that leads to frustration, anger and ultimately loss of the relationship. I have found less than a handful of people who can maintain and be happy with what they can have. It's a very rare thing.

Is an online relationship real? I think so but in a different way from real life relationships. In fact in some ways they can seem more perfect and intense for a while but they mostly run in cycles and fade away. This because of human nature or maybe I'm just fucking it up over and over.

Can it be intense and satisfying? I have found them to be very much so particularly at first.

Can one love two people at once. Yes and there is nothing wrong with that. You can not only love two people at once you can love TONS more! At least I do. I LOVE many, many people, many different ways all up in my real life and online life.

Does an online relationship sometimes threaten your real life relationship? To be perfectly honest it can, you betcha, but that is up to you, and even if it makes you have doubts sometimes, that too can strengthen your relationship when you once more make the "right" choice. Even if you didn't make the "right" choice it could lead to a greater communication and satisfaction within the relationship theoretically.

As for punishments they could take many, many forms and be effective if the parties do have a caring online D/s relationship.

That's what I have to say on the subject.

Fury

 

[alice_underneath]

Can one love two people at once. Yes and there is nothing wrong with that. You can not only love two people at once you can love TONS more! At least I do. I LOVE many, many people, many different ways all up in my real life and online life.

Does an online relationship sometimes threaten your real life relationship? To be perfectly honest it can, you betcha, but that is up to you and even if it makes you have doubts sometimes, that too can strengthen your relationship when you once more make the "right" choice. Even if you didn't make the "right" choice it could lead to a greater communication and satisfaction within the relationship theoretically.

*Type...pause...backspace....type....pause....delete...*

God, there is an entire thread about this! And now, for the first time, I understand why.

Fury,

I read a lot of your posts, and you nearly always make me smile. You are kind, funny, friendly, and you do stuff that makes me think - wow, that's amazing!

I am struggling so much with what to say in response to your post. Both you and the cowboy seem like really decent human beings, and what I want to say would be so much easier if you were jerks!

My first husband developed manic depression, which destroyed his libido. To make up for "quality", he went after quantity. Not on-line, but real life. He joined a gym and fucked anything in a leotard.

Frankly, from my perspective, emotional intimacy outside the marriage would have been even more of a betrayal.

I do not say this to judge you, or berate you, or anything else. I have no idea about the details of your marriage - and I sure as hell am not asking.

And this comment has absolutely nothing to do with BDSM in general, or on-line relationships, or punishment of any kind.

The only thing I want you to know is this: From the perspective of the spouse, infidelity does not just "hurt". The pain, in fact, is excruciating.

Please don't feel you have to respond to this post. It really is off-topic. I just thought you should know.

*type... type....* should I have deleted? Damn. I hope I don't regret this in the morning.

Alice

 

[FurryFury]

*Type...pause...backspace....type....pause....delete...*

God, there is an entire thread about this! And now, for the first time, I understand why. <snip>Alice

No worries Alice!

First, thanks for your kind words!

Second, I do want to respond, I hope you don't mind. My husband was consulted before I ever started any online relationships. He told me I could do what I wanted online period. His loving freedom has made our lives together so much better I can't tell you how much, it's just been an incredible wonderful growing experience with some baggage exorcism thrown in, but if he had said no, I'm not comfortable with this, which I expected, I would not have done it even though I really, really felt a need to.

Third, I've watched cheating first hand with my Mother and Father and many, many others. I know it hurts. It tends to anger me a very great deal. I don't advocate it and I try not to judge it either. I never have cheated IMO. That's why I went to him and asked him about this before I went too far.

At first I was worried that he didn't mean it. I would e-mail him transcripts and unless they were particularly hot, girl/girl or bizare he didn't want to read them. I did that so he could say, hey, hold on here, I didn't know you meant this or now I'm uncomfortable but he never has done that.

I'm sorry your ex did what he did. It's a horrible thing to betray someone's trust.

I understand what you mean about physical versus emotional entanglement. I always thought I'd rather him fuck a prostitute that he didn't care about than get emotionally entangled with say, a co-worker, that he did care about.

I don't feel I have ever betrayed his trust nor that I will. I can't say I don't have the desire to be Mastered or to have sex with multiple people all at once or to feel what it's like to stroke and kiss another woman and make her feel warm and loved because I do, I really strongly, deeply do.

However, if I ever fuck someone else, it will be not about cheating but about being dominated in real life or about group play or femme sex in other words something I can't fully get in my current relationship. I won't do it without his consent. I probably won't do it at all because the unknowable repercussions scare me too much, which when combined with my lack of confidence about my body and my extreme in person real life shyness kinda make this unlikely even though I have this terrible, terrible hunger.

I understand your reflexive distaste for the idea of such things. It's entirely understandable given your experiences and society's mores. Up until a year ago I felt the exact same way.

This year has been a wonderful eye opening year for me however and a very healthy one in so many ways. I like me better now. I am more me than I've been in a long time.

I never bought that fidelity should be the end all be all of a relationship intellectually.

I always thought I would throw him out if he fucked someone else or even became emotionally involved though, because emotionally, I was still what I was raised to be on that subject and I have seen the abject pain caused by all that.

I can't say that anymore. If he felt the need to submit to a Domme or even to simply fuck X person(s), male or female, I would give him that freedom and pray for the strength to not drive myself nuts about it.

I think and I hope we are secure enough in our relationship to each be able to do that. I don't plan to test it that way and he doesn't either because the bottom line is that we both care more about the other person's feelings and needs than our own. That just happens to be one of the "benefits" of two subs being married. *chuckles* Sometimes I think we should both be a little more selfish. I hope you can see what I am saying here.

I respect you a great deal Alice.

I'm not here to make people unhappy with my thoughts or words just the opposite.

Fury

 

[Lady Kouka]

*smiles* I rarely comment on the boards. I read various threads from time to time, some of them wonderful, other silly and yet others get to the point of callous spite with venomous overtones for fun.

I may not agree with all of RJ's types of punishment in the online realm during a LDR, but that's a matter of personal choice and approach. What I do absolutely disagree with is that you have to assume all people are lying or implying one thing while completely disregarding what is asked of them.

It's a sad day indeed to have someone who posts often to this board, advise others to lie or misrepresent themselves because it is acceptable and expected as a norm.

Do some people lie? Without a doubt, that is the chance we take in life, not just online. The difference is that online it's much easier. More liars, predators and freaks then you would normally encounter in your day to day lives.

Within the D/s and BDSM communities, we get more then our fair share. The media has continued to do a number on the "lifestyle" even though it is now more widespread then ever.

Anyone that knows Me is aware that I advocate getting involved in an LDR, particularly one within D/s, has to be extremely careful and take the time to know who you are dealing with. If it's sounds too good to be true, it most likely is. Take the time to ensure your own safety, verify information if at all possible, etc., because there ARE liars out there. No matter what anyone says, how smart any of us are, you can get hurt, one way or another if you don't take the time to cover your bases, you take the risk of getting harmed or bringing harm to your family, job, who knows what.

Why would you bother to get involved in a D/s relationship at all if it is your intention not to live up to your end of things??? Seriously, if all your looking for is having a little slap and tickle for the fun of it, even in the long term, there are hundreds of people willing to have that, in fact that's all they want and that's great if that is what you both want, knock yourself out.

But when you enter into a long term D/s relationship, it's supposed to be about trust, honesty and respect, If you do not respect yourself enough to be truthful, why would you even bother with it in the first place. If your issues surround being asked to do things that you are uncomfortable with or flat out refuse to do, you have alternatives that do not have to include lying.

If you both have acted responsibly, you have a safe word at your finger tips. The minute that comes into play, it all stops and discussion ensues. Remember, your hard limits are a living, breathing thing. It should be something that changes over time.

You may wish to point out that, for instance, RJ is married and just by getting involved with someone else is already lying. While that is absolutely true, sometimes, some of us are in home situations that can not fulfill us, no matter how hard we try. In fact, half of you reading this, that is true for. But we come online in order NOT to break up our home circumstances, to be able to have what is missing without harming our real life relationships and in fact, taking some of the stress out of those areas. So judge not lest ye be judged, no one is perfect.

Whether you are 25 or 55, don't disrespect those around you by lying. You demean them and yourself. It's pointless. You think that being with someone online is about them thinking you are the perfect 10?? It's your mind they fall for. Your imagination, love of life, strengths and your wonderful imperfections. It's the little things you remember and hold dear, not the 36DDD chest or 12 inch member.

If you are so jaded and bitter that lying is 2nd nature, maybe it's time you take a long hard look at yourself and realize that more then anything, you have been cheating yourself.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have had the online thing, that is what and who brought me to this moment in my life where I am blissfully in a permanent RL relationship with F. Have to say that the online relationship had depth and realness, partly because the one I shared it with had some fairly interesting and amazing qualities about him, and to this day he remains a true friend though we have never met in RL as yet. Did I lie to him about anything? No, I could not have done that partly because it is not me to willingly lie in any circumstance, and partly because I wanted the experience and wisdom he could give me, not to mention his respect and honesty in return. It worked for the time we had, and he was the one who sent me out into the world to find a reality...and it was an order and one I didn't at the time want to obey, but did. He did on occasion punish me for things though it was rare, but silence was definately not one of them nor one I ever found effective with others I interacted with. I find that if there is need for punishment, there needs to also be responsibility and communication....cutting off contact for whatever amount of time can and often does damage trust, communication, and the relationship.

As to the idea I read often that punishment is not necessary if you have the right frame of mind, commitment, etc. Hmmmm, I find that unrealistic as no-one is perfect (even with the best intentions) and when you become one on one involved in a RL 24/7 relationship, and the stakes inch higher and higher, there will be times you will stuff up either without intention or simply because you are human. Those times are hopefully not a daily or even weekly event, but they will and do happen and to have the Dominant excuse them or neglect to punish just does not help the relationship or the D/s element. I do not enjoy punishment on a mental level, but I do expect it when it is earned. LOL, finding something which has no element of pleasure in it is becoming a headache though as it seems the more miserable he makes me feel, the more ways I find to revel in that feeling of desperation and misery...but regardless, the message does get through and I do benefit from the punishment in the ways intended. Of course, F has made it clear there will be particular punishments for certain acts, at the top of the list being cheating, which have effectively scared the crap out of me (as I am in no doubt these days to his determination and ability to carry through on what he promises) that I cannot envision me ever being slightly tempted to do anything to attract the designated punishment....unless of course I go insane as that would be the only way I would dare go there!!

Catalina

 

[alice_underneath]

I hope you can see what I am saying here.

Hi, Fury.

*hugs*

Yes, I can see what you are saying. I respect and appreciate your honesty very much.

And I understand your unfulfilled "hunger" all too well. (The hunger to be sexually dominated, that is - not the need for group play or femme sex, which just aren't for me.)

Actually.... hang on.... I just read the post below yours. Hmmm.. now I'm thinking - if ever there was a woman who could make me kiss her feet, it would be Lady Kouka!

(Seriously, though, hers was a great post - wasn't it?)

Thanks for your response, Fury. I am so glad I didn't offend you.

Alice

 

[FurryFury]

Yes it was a great post!

As I said, I have no problem with discussion and even strong disagreement. As along as people are not trying to be hurtful and then it pisses me off though I might not say so.

Back to online punishment now. If I care what the Dominant thinks then even the slightest disapproval can crush me, it's true.

If one wishes to punish there are many ways to do so long distance provided the errant one is really being honest and following through.

I agree that distance doesn't help though. Distance is a little death that can stretch into a permanent one. Each day you are not able or not allowed to talk with your Dominant your needs grow and your insecurity too.

Even in situations where the distance was unavoidable due to RL and not for punishment I've seen relationships once strong drift apart. Let's face it, if the Dominant cares and the relationship is "right" it punishes them too. If distance is needed for any reason I expect that each person should let the other know why and for how long. Also they need to make an effort to let the other know contact is still desired or the whole thing can be gone.

Both the online Dominant and the sub are doing these things online for a reason, from a need, they will mourn perhaps or in some cases feel relieved and they will move on if distance comes in for too long or is not handled correctly. Like I said, distance is a very dangerous thing to "play" with.

Fury

 

[alice_underneath]

You may wish to point out that, for instance, RJ is married and just by getting involved with someone else is already lying. While that is absolutely true, sometimes, some of us are in home situations that can not fulfill us, no matter how hard we try. In fact, half of you reading this, that is true for. But we come online in order NOT to break up our home circumstances, to be able to have what is missing without harming our real life relationships and in fact, taking some of the stress out of those areas. So judge not lest ye be judged, no one is perfect.

When I was a little girl, my father traded my mother in for a younger model, and went permanently AWOL from my life.

As a teen, I had so many girlfriends who swore they would find one guy to love and cherish only them, for all eternity. My silent response was (to quote someone else on this thread): "dream on, sucker".

One of the benefits of getting older is that you really do have a chance to become wiser in so many ways. The most important of which, in my opinion, is the ability to place yourself in someone else's shoes.

If I had read this thread when I was 16, I would have grabbed RJMasters by his virtual throat and cut his electronic balls off.

But now I am 45, and married, and I understand how painful it is to be wed to a wonderful person who (through no fault of their own), leaves you aching with need.

I have never been unfaithful (virtually or otherwise), and I do not plan to be. I am neither excusing, nor condemning, infidelity. I am really just agreeing with your comment:

"So judge not lest ye be judged, no one is perfect."

Exactly.

Sometimes I think that - of all the sadists in the universe - God is A#1, a first-class bastard who set up the system to insure inevitable emotional agony for everyone.

I don't know the "right" answer to any questions regarding marriage. We all just have to make our own choices, and do the best we can.

Alice

*glances at the title of the thread; realizes that this was her 4th post written without saying anything relating to the topic at hand.

P.S. Sorry, Richard.

 

[incubus'_sub]

As this is a resurrected thread from 2002 I'd say that Richard has worked out his own solutions by now, but this is always a relevant topic.

My comments have nothing at all to do with morality or marriage or cheating. Both RJ & Furry are very upfront and open about the needs that their spouses are unwilling or unable to satisfy. They go online with the blessings of their partners and even if they didn't have that, so what, as long as their real relationships are enhanced, not shortchanged, by their outlet.

Simply put, it's the way that some people use this outlet as a substitute for a real life that raises my eyebrows.

 

[FurryFury]

As this is a resurrected thread from 2002 I'd say that Richard has worked out his own solutions by now, but this is always a relevant topic.

My comments have nothing at all to do with morality or marriage or cheating. Both RJ & Furry are very upfront and open about the needs that their spouses are unwilling or unable to satisfy. They go online with the blessings of their partners and even if they didn't have that, so what, as long as their real relationships are enhanced, not shortchanged, by their outlet.

Simply put, it's the way that some people use this outlet as a substitute for a real life that raises my eyebrows.

(I didn't realize how old this thread was. There have been some excellent thoughts written on it though.)

That's true some people for whatever reason do use it as a substitute for real life. That's another reason why these things don't last. Some people, get too obsessed with the online relationship and aren't living or improving their real lives.

When I am in a relationship online with someone I tend to isolate in my mind what they seem to want out of real life. I encourage them through a variety of methods to go out there and get those things. (Yes, I know when they do that means they will leave me.) That's understood and I'm cool with that in most cases but even if I weren't, I'd still want them to be happier and more fulfilled. Most I talk with do make what I consider to be great improvements. That's a beautiful thing to me.

Some are simply hopeless. Make no mistake about it, change takes effort. Change is often not comfortable. Many are not willing to make that effort or feel the discomfort. I can't hang with that sort for long, they tend to whine too much. I can take a certain amount of whining if they are willing to take steps to improve their lot. People always have choices even when they don't think they do. The choices may suck but you have em, IMO.

Another thing about online and RL relationships that bothers me is when someone tries to protect me from something I don't want protection from! I am an adult. I can protect myself as I see a need to do so or NOT.

How about they just protect themselves if they need to? I can respect that. I'm never out to hurt someone so protect away as long as it's yourself you are protecting, please don't tell me it's me you are protecting.

Unless you really, really know me, it's quite a presumption to decide what will hurt me and what won't, what I can take and can't. That really tends to piss me off even though the root of it may be sweet in a way, just arrogant or both.

I will let people know where my lines are. People never have to wonder where they are with me. I will tell them as nicely as I can exactly where they stand with me. If I'm hurt or can't take something, you do and we have that sort of relationship, I'll bloody well tell you so.

(end of rant)

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

Catalina,

I hope you didn't take my comments about punishment to mean I never think punishment is needed or useful in a D/s relationship. I didn't mean that at all. I only meant that when a Dominant is constantly talking about it or a submissive then I think the term is being used incorrectly, the relationship probably isn't right or something.

I know we all hit unexpected brick walls when we try to submit to certain things. It's always a shock when that happens to me and I hate it. I always want to be able to do anything asked of me, it just kills me when I can't. I absolutely hate letting anyone down. It makes me furious at myself.

Fury

 

[shadowoftheheart]

Wish I'd seen this thread a month ago. Might've saved a hell of a lot of headache.

I am at the point of releasing a wayward "sub" with whom the honor system hasn't worked. Actually, it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Some people just aren't going to take an online or LD relationship seriously.

Ah well, live and learn.

 

[alice_underneath]

Simply put, it's the way that some people use this outlet as a substitute for a real life that raises my eyebrows.

Simply put, it's the way that some people allow themselves to be beaten as a substitute for real love that raises my eyebrows.

I don't mean what I just said. I wrote it to make a point.

You missed it the first time, so I'm trying again. Am I being too subtle for you?

In your posts on this thread, you are criticizing the mode of intimacy selected at various points in their lives by RJ, Fury, Catalina, and Rrrosyn (along with all of their online partners).

On what basis do you feel qualified to criticize their choices?

What reasons do you have for condemning the validity of their emotions, their passions, and their various commitments?

I am reminded of a fantastic bumper sticker that I saw the other day. It said:

If you don’t support Gay Marriage.... DON’T GET ONE!

Now do you get my point?

 

[FurryFury]

Wish I'd seen this thread a month ago. Might've saved a hell of a lot of headache.

I am at the point of releasing a wayward "sub" with whom the honor system hasn't worked. Actually, it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Some people just aren't going to take an online or LD relationship seriously.

Ah well, live and learn.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a hardtime with a faithless sub.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[incubus'_sub]

The only point I have made, without all the extra padding about morality, cheating, criticising & the like is this - there are those of us who enjoy a good beating as part of an expression of our love. Get it ??? Part of our love & commitment rather than as a substitute for it.

Somehow, for me, the idea of beating yourself because some distant typist demands it sounds, well, ridiculous. Sillier still, is the idea that you are somehow betraying this distant typist and yourself by deciding that self beating is indeed ridiculous and not doing it. Heaven forbid that you might lie about it to preserve the shared fantasy and maybe have some harmless fun.

Just lighten up a bit and realise that differences of views & opinions do not constitute personal criticisms of anyone or their choices. This is a forum where differing views will often be expressed.

 

[alice_underneath]

Somehow, for me, the idea of beating yourself because some distant typist demands it sounds, well, ridiculous.

I do not have a problem with that statement. For me are the operative words here.

LDRs don't work for you. No problem. You know what? I don't think they would work for me either.

Just lighten up a bit and realise that differences of views & opinions do not constitute personal criticisms of anyone or their choices.

Earlier on the thread, you wrote:

"I agree that everybody's different & has different views, but if they have the right to point at themselves & say "this is a real relationship" then I reserve the right to say 'dream on, sucker'."

If that's not a personal criticism, I don't know what is.

I am glad that you have shifted your focus to: "Somehow, for me."

As a result, I will indeed "lighten up".

*sweet smiles*

I sincerely hope you have a nice weekend, Incubus'_sub.

Alice

 

[Bandit58]

Master Gil and I conducted our "courtship" (for want of a better word) online but we only played a couple of times on the phone because He is a "hands on" type of Master and the online play just isn't for Him. It was mainly for me to get a feel for being dominated, as I'd never had any kind of BDSM experience before we got together.

We spent our time before meeting in r/l getting to know each other as people first. So that when we finally did meet, the relationship between us was formed and He knew about my limits and what I wanted to try. We have been apart a couple of times since, when I had to go back to New Zealand. Even then our time online was spent in communicating rather than playing, and even though I missed Him dreadfully I knew I would be going back to Him and so we were both prepared to wait till my homecoming (which I will say was very memorable )

 

[Richard49]

One can be in a LDR and still have met and collared or accepted a collar

No matter what the D/s relationship the main ingrident is TRUST
part of that trust is that each person fullfill there "role"

IMHO a Doms role is to assit the submissive/slave
to be all that she can be

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina,

I hope you didn't take my comments about punishment to mean I never think punishment is needed or useful in a D/s relationship. I didn't mean that at all. I only meant that when a Dominant is constantly talking about it or a submissive then I think the term is being used incorrectly, the relationship probably isn't right or something.

I know we all hit unexpected brick walls when we try to submit to certain things. It's always a shock when that happens to me and I hate it. I always want to be able to do anything asked of me, it just kills me when I can't. I absolutely hate letting anyone down. It makes me furious at myself.

Fury

LOL, no it was a generalised reference as I see it on various forums again and again when subs (usually) declare they have never required punishment and never will because they are so good. My thoughts are they likely have not gotten in very deep, or the Dominant in question shapes rules and activites specifically so they don't have to risk doing anything wrong...that to me would be boring and not worth my time bothering with as it is challenge and overcoming the difficult which fuels my fires most.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

LOL, no it was a generalised reference as I see it on various forums again and again when subs (usually) declare they have never required punishment and never will because they are so good. My thoughts are they likely have not gotten in very deep, or the Dominant in question shapes rules and activites specifically so they don't have to risk doing anything wrong...that to me would be boring and not worth my time bothering with as it is challenge and overcoming the difficult which fuels my fires most.

Catalina

*nods* Well good, and I understand what you mean about overcoming the difficult fueling your fire at least in my admittedly limited experience that is true for me as well.

Thanks for responding.

Fury

 

[Sheaf_Beast]

Out come?

One can be in a LDR and still have met and collared or accepted a collar

No matter what the D/s relationship the main ingrident is TRUST
part of that trust is that each person fullfill there "role"

IMHO a Doms role is to assit the submissive/slave
to be all that she can be

Did you solve this issue of disipline in a long distance relationship?


What was your way of solving it?