pyl Anger

[CutieMouse]

I'm having a loving-on-Net-in-a-totally-hererosexual-damn-chicka-you-are-cool sort of moment...

Aaaaanywhoooo...

I suck at confrontation. Something has to get pretty. damned. bad. before I hit confrontation/argument mode. I also try very very *very* hard to be angry in an emotionally healthy way, when I do get angry.

Have I been known to raise my voice (not yell)? Yup.
Have I been called on it? Yup.
When I get called on it do I take a step back, apologize, and work to communicate more respectfully? Yup.
Do I try to avoid arguments, period (for good or bad)? Yup.

My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years, and never had an argument. The other most important person in my Life, has been around for just over two years, and I think I've raised my voice maybe three times, and only gotten angry enough to say a cuss word, once. I'd rather work on doing what is necessary so that arguments don't happen (not let things get too out of control, if there are issues), than waste time fighting.

 

[RJMasters]

Anger directed at me rarely happens. Honestly I don't have a set response for it. I think my intial response is concern. Anger that is directed at other things doesn't bother me in the slightest, when that happens I normally am a good listener. If there is a way I can help I will, otherwise I will listen and when she is done probably give her a hug as her anger often changes into being emotionally upset.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I love this line, it reminds of a close friend who said 'There is only room for one insane person in any relationship, and thats me' (referring to themselves).

So, it begs the question that Gracie touched upon.
When your PYL gets angry what do you do?
Does your reaction differ if the anger is in direct relation to something you have done, or if it is as a result of an external reason for example work, neighbours?

when he is angry at something/someone else, i stick close by him, am very quiet, maybe touch him very lightly so he knows i'm there and that i love him, that i'm sympathetic to his plight, and that he has a safe place with me. this always works, as far as comforting him and not making the situation worse. tho sometimes his reaction to me will differ...he might all of a sudden snap out of it, notice me there, and pet and hold me. or that darkness might come over his eyes and then i know that he must beat me before he will begin to calm down, and that is what he will do. either way i am serving him.

now if his anger is directected at me, that's something different. thankfully i've never gotten him extremely angry/enraged...if i did i don't think i'd be able to walk, talk and type right now lol. but if he gets angry with me he usually won't touch me for quite a while. He'll yell and scream and curse and call me all sorts of foul things. i'll just sit/kneel there and take it, not saying a thing just yet. after a half hour or so of the yelling, he'll want me to leave him. i try to stay away from his immediate presence, but near enough so that i can come quickly if he calls. i apologize sincerely, but only 2 or 3 times...after that he will get annoyed. after he takes some time to cool down, and he'll talk to me about the situation and come up with a resolution, as well as a way for me to repent.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

What are people's views of pyl's who lose their temper?

Does it depend on why?

How do you honestly deal with it as a PYL?

If you are the pyl, is your temper different when you are angry with your PYL compared to how you are with other people?

Is it acceptable for a pyl to explode in anger at their PYL?


(No, this is not as a result of an argument with him *sigh*)

i get angry, and no, i don't think i've ever truly YELLED at Master, but i have 'gone off' and He knew i was upset. i think it's part of human nature and you shouldn't be asked to keep your 'anger' in, Master will know when i'm upset and if that makes me less submissive, then so be it, but because i'm submissive doesn't mean i'm not going to tell Him when i'm angry, and yea maybe i should go about it a different way, but t his is the way i know. we've never really had an 'argument' though....many disagreements however, but they didn't end up in shouting matches or anything....and i think we'd try to remove ourselves from the situation for a while before it became a screaming match....and then talk about it rationally after we've calmed down

 

[graceanne]

What better place to put this:



Fucking men.

 

[babiesmiles]

Who knows me knows as well this is a difficult time for me .
Anger ? Yes a lot . Expressed ? yes in someway . My reactions to my own anger ? some quite mad reaction I prefer to keep private at the moment . They were accepted with irony but they didnt make change things .
So was my anger useful ? No, if not to state the right to strongly disagree .

But as I said on another thread after some inner fight, I chose to try "the obedience" card . And I am sticking with it although it is hard.

Maybe tomorrow it will be different , but at the moment since I made the choice to simply and purely obey ,accepting things like an ineluttable force stronger than my will , putting aside my "pleated ego" , I stopped feel anger .

Better said I stopped to feel that blind anger which prevents you to use your brain and react in an appropriate way to events.

We will see if it lasts though

Ps . Nice thread Shy !

 

[shy slave]

Are there times when anger is useful?

Other than as a pressure release?

 

[danimouse]

Angry outbursts were not tolerated at all when I was growing up and had really uncomfortable consequences so I learned a long time ago how hide my anger and hold it in. I'm probably a heart attack waiting to happen - lol. I do get really quiet when I'm upset though, which for me is very noticeable.

Dani

 

[graceanne]

Are there times when anger is useful?

Other than as a pressure release?

Sometimes I really need to talk to K about something or the other, and I can't unless I'm pissed.

 

[Shankara20]

Are there times when anger is useful?

Other than as a pressure release?

I have done a lot of work involving anger - and have a few opinions about it. This is just my POV.

Expressed anger often causes more harm then good. Anger can be useful as an internal motivator to get me off my ass and moving to resolve something I see as a problem, but it has never been useful when dealing with other people. It has taken me years to stop repressing my anger when it arises - repressed anger can often be more damaging to a relationship than expressed anger. If I get angry I gota just accept that I'm pissed and work it out before taking it to others. I see my anger as my own private toy, I have it, I play with it, and I have never never met another human being that wanted to play with me and my anger. It just does not share well with others.

And I am not confusing expressing passion with expressing anger - they are NOT the same.

More of my POV as we continue. Great topic.

 

[marieR19]

Hmmm. Maybe it's 'cause I'm bipolar/depressed/etc, maybe I'm just making excuses, maybe I'm not as sub-minded as I want to think I am, but...

In my situation, I can't/won't be with a PYL who won't allow me to get angry sometimes, or who will punish me for it all the time. I need to be able to express my emotions, and while I would of course try my hardest not to get angry at my PYL, I'm not stupid enough to think that it wouldn't happen sometimes. I express my anger by yelling and crying, I always have, and holding it in usually leads to a mental meltdown and a hospital trip. So yeah, I may express anger, but of course I wouldn't do it constantly and would most likely feel really bad after.


Heather

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Hmmm. Maybe it's 'cause I'm bipolar/depressed/etc, maybe I'm just making excuses, maybe I'm not as sub-minded as I want to think I am, but...

In my situation, I can't/won't be with a PYL who won't allow me to get angry sometimes, or who will punish me for it all the time. I need to be able to express my emotions, and while I would of course try my hardest not to get angry at my PYL, I'm not stupid enough to think that it wouldn't happen sometimes. I express my anger by yelling and crying, I always have, and holding it in usually leads to a mental meltdown and a hospital trip. So yeah, I may express anger, but of course I wouldn't do it constantly and would most likely feel really bad after.


Heather

has nothing to do with you being bipolar/depressive or less subminded than you think you are.. you are human and will have human emotions..being submissive doesn't stop that, BUT, getting angry and yelling at your Dom is probably not the best thing in the world and will probably not be met with the emotion you need to make things better. i think stepping outside of the D/s dynamic in situations like this is best. walk away and recoup and come back when you are able to talk calmly. i know for me, if i were to get angry and yell at Master, He'd more than likely leave me in the room to calm down while He walked away and calmed Himself down and then He'd come back and we'd talk like two civilized adults instead of screaming and yelling at each other, as that will get us both nowhere quick and probably me having the cane or crop used on me for not being respectful to Him. we've disagreed many times but i can only think of one time that 'yelled' at Him and it was because i was tired, way tired, and very annoyed that He wouldn't let something drop. no, i didn't get in trouble really, though He did question me and 'remind me of my place' i don't think yelling and screaming at each other solves much of anything whether you are D/s or 'nilla. it's just not a healthy way to deal with things....

 

[Shankara20]

but i can only think of one time that 'yelled' at Him and it was because i was tired, way tired, and very annoyed that He wouldn't let something drop. no,

Have you heard of checking in with yourself using HALT? When I "loose it" am I Hungry? Angry? Tired? or Lonely?

Lil - I think we agree. We often go after others when one of these HALT things are going on in us. If we don't mind risking hurting the other person, or loosing the relationship, rant all we want. But if we value others and want to help our relationship grow, we find ways to deal with, not repress, our own anger in healty ways.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Have you heard of checking in with yourself using HALT? When I "loose it" am I Hungry? Angry? Tired? or Lonely?

Lil - I think we agree. We often go after others when one of these HALT things are going on in us. If we don't mind risking hurting the other person, or loosing the relationship, rant all we want. But if we value others and want to help our relationship grow, we find ways to deal with, not repress, our own anger in healty ways.

very much agreed shankie yelling and screaming at each other in an attempt to let the other know we are upset is pretty useless and not healthy at all. i lived, for 10 years, in a relationship where this was the Norm, and would eventually end up in me being hit.when i left that relationship, i promised myself i would NOT live that life again. i'm not saying i don't get angry, because i most certainly do, but as you said i find ways to deal with my anger and a HEALTHY way for it to come out where it can actually be resolved....and you're right the only times my anger really comes out in the form of 'yelling' is when i have one of the HALT things going on.....had never heard of it, so thank you for pointing it out to me..will defiantly be useful to me in the future

 

[Shankara20]

Hmmm. Maybe it's 'cause I'm bipolar/depressed/etc, maybe I'm just making excuses, maybe I'm not as sub-minded as I want to think I am, but...

In my situation, I can't/won't be with a PYL who won't allow me to get angry sometimes, or who will punish me for it all the time. I need to be able to express my emotions, and while I would of course try my hardest not to get angry at my PYL, I'm not stupid enough to think that it wouldn't happen sometimes. I express my anger by yelling and crying, I always have, and holding it in usually leads to a mental meltdown and a hospital trip. So yeah, I may express anger, but of course I wouldn't do it constantly and would most likely feel really bad after.


Heather

If I may, IMHO, it is not about not getting angry - anger just happens - it is about how one deals with it. There are many healthy ways to express emotions, even those like anger, that do not involve expresssing them in ways that involve others. No one can stop, or allow, you to become angry - anger arises from inside - others just activate our own feelings.

In the way I see things depression often has a repressed anger component. Some of us repress anger because we have not found ways to deal with it. And most anger comes from us not getting what we want - ofter even if we have not clearly asked for what we truly want.

Just my thoughts - if these don't fit for you that is ok. Thanks for the chance to share my POV.

Shank

 

[Shankara20]

....had never heard of it, so thank you for pointing it out to me..will defiantly be useful to me in the future

I picked it up while working on my own repressed anger problems...

I also learned that there is no disappointment like that of unfulfilled unspoken expectations.

 

[FurryFury]

I have talked to PYL's who believed:
*pyl's should never, ever lose their temper
*pyl's should be punished if they become angry
*pyl's who become angry are not 'proper' pyl's

I have also come across PYL's who become puppy dogs and eager to please the instant a pyl lost their temper. Wonderful topping from the bottom, but in the long term not always ideal.


So, it begs the question that Gracie touched upon.
When your PYL gets angry what do you do?
Does your reaction differ if the anger is in direct relation to something you have done, or if it is as a result of an external reason for example work, neighbours?

I don't agree that any human being is not allowed to get angry that's crap IMO. People who believe that are, in my POV, living in a fantasy. It can't be healthy to not allow yourself or the person you are with to get angry.

When my husband gets angry, I usually just let him blow until he is done. If it's directed at me, which is blessedly rare, it gets dicey. I'll either apologize up front out of my knee jerk habit or because I mean it and try to soothe him. Or I'll get angry back because I think he is not seeing important parts of the issue and I feel attacked. Sometimes I do both.

If it's work, I'll listen if he needs to. Offer him some advice if he asks. Murmur empathically while he goes on and on and on . . .*s* Eventually I might tune him out while still acting like I'm listening depending on how long he goes on. *L* I know that's horrible right? It's true though. The man can talk and talk and talk . . .

<snip>

I suck at confrontation. Something has to get pretty. damned. bad. before I hit confrontation/argument mode. I also try very very *very* hard to be angry in an emotionally healthy way, when I do get angry.

Have I been known to raise my voice (not yell)? Yup.
Have I been called on it? Yup.
When I get called on it do I take a step back, apologize, and work to communicate more respectfully? Yup.
Do I try to avoid arguments, period (for good or bad)? Yup.

My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years, and never had an argument. The other most important person in my Life, has been around for just over two years, and I think I've raised my voice maybe three times, and only gotten angry enough to say a cuss word, once. I'd rather work on doing what is necessary so that arguments don't happen (not let things get too out of control, if there are issues), than waste time fighting.

It sounds like we are a lot alike in these ways. I rarely argue, nor do I want to.

Are there times when anger is useful?

Other than as a pressure release?

When it spurs you to action you need to take perhaps?

Fury

 

[graceanne]

Have you heard of checking in with yourself using HALT? When I "loose it" am I Hungry? Angry? Tired? or Lonely?

Lil - I think we agree. We often go after others when one of these HALT things are going on in us. If we don't mind risking hurting the other person, or loosing the relationship, rant all we want. But if we value others and want to help our relationship grow, we find ways to deal with, not repress, our own anger in healty ways.

Where's the P in that? You know, for 'in Pain'. My daughter was talking about tempers last week, and she said that her daddy has a temper, and I don't really unless I'm tired AND in pain.

 

[Shankara20]

Where's the P in that? You know, for 'in Pain'. My daughter was talking about tempers last week, and she said that her daddy has a temper, and I don't really unless I'm tired AND in pain.

make that PHALT then.....

 

[graceanne]

make that PHALT then.....

There should also be a 'D'. Cause when i'm drugged i'm not too friendly. Especially if it's benedryl.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

pyls are human, and as a result there will be times when they get angry, frustrated, etc... This is where good communication between the PYL and pyl comes into play, and hopefully it can be diffused before it becomes an explosion.