Q: tips to avoid predators while searching for a Dom?

[LittleSwitchy]

If I can chime in.
When you start talking to someone either online or in person. Get to know them not the kinks they like. You have to trust someone to really be comfortable to play with them. Trust takes time.
When you ask them something. Pay attention to what they tell you. Like if you ask how long they have been in the lifestyle. They tell you 15 years. And 5 minutes ago they said they are 25 years old. That’s a red flag. They’re telling lies about how long they been in the lifestyle or the age. Either way liars get walked out on.
If you’re going to a munch for the first time. If you have a good friend in the lifestyle ask if they will go with you. If you don’t have anyone to go with you. Contact the person running the munch. Let them know hey I’m new and looking to attend your munch. You can let them know you are new to the lifestyle. If they’re any good. They should offer to introduce you around. They might ask you to come early and have a talk. Ideally both. Show up early talk with them. They might give you a few people names to talk to or some to avoid.
When talking to someone. Be careful to not be too open. If they ask where do you work. You can give the type of job you have. Just keep in mind. You don’t really know them. Be cautious of what you let them know about you

 

[silky52]

Are you, or were you ever a chain-smoker? Added points for vocal huskiness.
(edit); I'm hoping no, for obvious health concerns.

No, I was never a chain smoker, but I did smoke for about 15 years! How about you?

 

[RoperTrace]

No, I was never a chain smoker, but I did smoke for about 15 years! How about you?

No, other than the summer of my 18th year while working with guys in a stone quarry. My reward was a massive lung tumor discovered when getting screened for a hernia, go figure. Benign and told it was there since birth.

 

[silky52]

No, other than the summer of my 18th year while working with guys in a stone quarry. My reward was a massive lung tumor discovered when getting screened for a hernia, go figure. Benign and told it was there since birth.

Wow, that was lucky I guess on both counts, I presume it was taken out..........

 

[RoperTrace]

Wow, that was lucky I guess on both counts, I presume it was taken out..........

Yea, I contemplated not doing it, but family said take it out. Its growth rate had accelerated according to surgeon.

 

[silky52]

Yea, I contemplated not doing it, but family said take it out. Its growth rate had accelerated according to surgeon.

Of course and there is always the possibility of it becoming malignant!

 

[MrsPassion]

If I can chime in.
When you start talking to someone either online or in person. Get to know them not the kinks they like. You have to trust someone to really be comfortable to play with them. Trust takes time.
When you ask them something. Pay attention to what they tell you. Like if you ask how long they have been in the lifestyle. They tell you 15 years. And 5 minutes ago they said they are 25 years old. That’s a red flag. They’re telling lies about how long they been in the lifestyle or the age. Either way liars get walked out on.
If you’re going to a munch for the first time. If you have a good friend in the lifestyle ask if they will go with you. If you don’t have anyone to go with you. Contact the person running the munch. Let them know hey I’m new and looking to attend your munch. You can let them know you are new to the lifestyle. If they’re any good. They should offer to introduce you around. They might ask you to come early and have a talk. Ideally both. Show up early talk with them. They might give you a few people names to talk to or some to avoid.
When talking to someone. Be careful to not be too open. If they ask where do you work. You can give the type of job you have. Just keep in mind. You don’t really know them. Be cautious of what you let them know about you

Thank you for sharing such sound tips! I think I’m over the online search because anyone can be anything online. I’ve found a group not far from me that regularly host newbie events so I’m looking forward to the next one when I’m not traveling. Everyone here has been so helpful. I’ll stick around cause the forums are hilarious and fun but I think the best thing I’ve learned from this thread is to trust my gut instincts and the internet is not ideally where I’d meet a compatible Dom. So fingers crossed my newbie event goes well!

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Thank you for sharing such sound tips! I think I’m over the online search because anyone can be anything online. I’ve found a group not far from me that regularly host newbie events so I’m looking forward to the next one when I’m not traveling. Everyone here has been so helpful. I’ll stick around cause the forums are hilarious and fun but I think the best thing I’ve learned from this thread is to trust my gut instincts and the internet is not ideally where I’d met a compatible Dom. So fingers crossed my newbie event goes well!

I’d suggest joining Fetlife. It’s like a kinky facebook. If for nothing else for finding events.
If you want to talk more. Feel free to pm me. Maybe I can point you in the right direction.

 

[MrsPassion]

I’d suggest joining Fetlife. It’s like a kinky facebook. If for nothing else for finding events.
If you want to talk more. Feel free to pm me. Maybe I can point you in the right direction.

I’m on Fetlife…but it’s…intense and not very diverse which is something I’ve decided is important to me. If I don’t see any femmes or women who look like me then I can’t quite feel safe in that space. Thank you for the invitation to reach out. I may take you up on that!

 

[seekingAlpha]

I have been trying to figure out the difference between a fake Dom and a real Dom for years since there is no recognized or universally agreed upon accrediting agency or governing body that licenses, tests, or sets standards for being a Dom. The same argument could be made for fake submissives verses real submissives as well. All Doms and submissives were new to the D/s dynamic at some point and a lack of experience does not make them fake. There are Doms and subs that are not members of the local BDSM community and therefore they have no one from that community to vouch for them. Having a private D/s dynamic does not make them fake either. A lot of people choose to enjoy the D/s dynamic privately for honorable reasons. The D/s dynamic is a relationship and therefore anyone entering into that dynamic should apply the same standards that they would apply to any other type of intimate relationship. In my opinion, the relationship should be safe, enjoyable, and focused on meeting the needs of both the Dom and the sub. Rather than classify a Dom as real or fake, an argument could be made that a submissive should classify a Dom relative to chemistry, attraction, compatibility, personality, ethics, values, morals, and safety.

 

[MrsPassion]

I have been trying to figure out the difference between a fake Dom and a real Dom for years since there is no recognized or universally agreed upon accrediting agency or governing body that licenses, tests, or sets standards for being a Dom. The same argument could be made for fake submissives verses real submissives as well. All Doms and submissives were new to the D/s dynamic at some point and a lack of experience does not make them fake. There are Doms and subs that are not members of the local BDSM community and therefore they have no one from that community to vouch for them. Having a private D/s dynamic does not make them fake either. A lot of people choose to enjoy the D/s dynamic privately for honorable reasons. The D/s dynamic is a relationship and therefore anyone entering into that dynamic should apply the same standards that they would apply to any other type of intimate relationship. In my opinion, the relationship should be safe, enjoyable, and focused on meeting the needs of both the Dom and the sub. Rather than classify a Dom as real or fake, an argument could be made that a submissive should classify a Dom relative to chemistry, attraction, compatibility, personality, ethics, values, morals, and safety.

Thank you for your response. I suppose my own inexperience caused me to misspeak/label, so apologies to any I offended.. I would adjust it to ask for tips to avoid predators occupying space under the guise of being a Dom searching for a vulnerable new sub. My encounters with the individual felt abusive after a time not necessarily from a lack of experience but from a place of dislike or vitriol for women. Without airing dirty laundry there were a few things early on I should’ve been more aware of that later played a role in us not being “compatible”. My concern was for not only myself but the next new sub who might come across him or others like him.

 

[MrsPassion]

I’ve changed the title of the thread to more accurately reflect my initial ask. Thank you for the learning moment and reminder to be mindful of my own mistakes/lack of knowledge. Always cool with some personal growth!

 

[nyc_cutie]

Thank you for sharing such sound tips! I think I’m over the online search because anyone can be anything online. I’ve found a group not far from me that regularly host newbie events so I’m looking forward to the next one when I’m not traveling. Everyone here has been so helpful. I’ll stick around cause the forums are hilarious and fun but I think the best thing I’ve learned from this thread is to trust my gut instincts and the internet is not ideally where I’d meet a compatible Dom. So fingers crossed my newbie event goes well!

The online search is absolutely exhausting. And it’s frustrating because the part about anyone being able to be anything online is so true. And a sometimes, a really hard lesson to learn. I think the internet definitely casts a wide net in a search for a Dom but we definitely have to be extremely careful as well.

 

[2ServeWoman]

Impatience is a poor reason to rush into anything & munches are mostly bullshit controlled by a select group & with biased conclusions!

 

[davion2308]

Here's what I can provide for thoughts: There should be plenty of conversation, both sexual but really non-sexual, with that person before anything moves forward. If all they talk about is sex, even if you redirect them, they're no good. If they are respectful and listen to you and offer ideas and thoughts and experiences, they may be decent. Build that relationship first before you really get into the sex talk. Those who are comfortable with themselves will be in no rush to get you talking about fucking. The ones that push for it aren't great.

Good luck!

 

[sarod]

I mean... are not all doms Predators? is it not the submissives role to be prey for the predators desires?

 

[2ServeWoman]

I mean... are not all doms Predators? is it not the submissives role to be prey for the predators desires?

No!

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I’m on Fetlife…but it’s…intense and not very diverse which is something I’ve decided is important to me. If I don’t see any femmes or women who look like me then I can’t quite feel safe in that space. Thank you for the invitation to reach out. I may take you up on that!

Bear in mind that many people don't put photos up if they're visibly in a minority. There's one heck of a lot of people on Fet claiming to be 99 and living in Antarctica (I'm one of them), most of whom are women.

It's most useful once you've started to get to know some people on the local scene or from further afield.

 

[2ServeWoman]

Thank you for your response. I suppose my own inexperience caused me to misspeak/label, so apologies to any I offended.. I would adjust it to ask for tips to avoid predators occupying space under the guise of being a Dom searching for a vulnerable new sub. My encounters with the individual felt abusive after a time not necessarily from a lack of experience but from a place of dislike or vitriol for women. Without airing dirty laundry there were a few things early on I should’ve been more aware of that later played a role in us not being “compatible”. My concern was for not only myself but the next new sub who might come across him or others like him.

Can we be friends?

 

[IrisAlthea]

I mean... are not all doms Predators? is it not the submissives role to be prey for the predators desires?

Not everyone is interested in the all in
”Buried in the Basement” version of predator/prey play. Most people want things to play out within their limits.

 

[2ServeWoman]

Rocket science again!

 

[2ServeWoman]

Screw the predators I NEED a real Domme to humiliate & use me!

 

[seekingAlpha]

I’m interested in exploring being a dom. It’s always been something that’s excited me. Anyone have any advice for me?

Educate yourself as much as you can about the lifestyle to include reading, joining Fetlife, and then exploring your local BDSM community. Approach your education with an open mind and with the exception of consent, safety, and honesty do not except anything else as dogma. Eventually you will need to find a partner to explore your Dom side with. There is definitely a finite number of partners that label themself as submissive so cast a wide net and utilize any resource available you can to meet partners. My suggestion is to find a partner that is into kink and both of you explore it together. Over the past 30 years I have found it much easier to meet sexually opened minded partners that embrace becoming a submissive after a while rather than meeting partners that are already self-proclaimed submissives. Conventional dating sites have always been much more productive for me than any BDSM oriented site. Another consideration is whether or not you want to live the lifestyle publicly or privately. There are a lot of people that due to reputational and professional concerns only practice the D/s dynamic in private. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[MrsPassion]

I mean... are not all doms Predators? is it not the submissives role to be prey for the predators desires?

I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. What I will say is from a personal standpoint the difference between D/s dynamics and harmful predation is consent. If that (predation/prey) is a play dynamic that works for the individuals playing together I can see how one might equate the two. However, I feel like where consent is missing it becomes abuse and otherwise less than “street smart” submissive might find themselves abused and manipulated into things that lack the necessary foundations of safe, sane, and consensual play.

 

[MrsPassion]

Bear in mind that many people don't put photos up if they're visibly in a minority. There's one heck of a lot of people on Fet claiming to be 99 and living in Antarctica (I'm one of them), most of whom are women.

It's most useful once you've started to get to know some people on the local scene or from further afield.

I was able to join a BIPOC only group on fetlife that has been very welcoming