Question about the online only D/s thing...

[redheadedtxn]

But see-- you did;


it took me so long to write and post that comment, i didnt see yours untill after I'd posted mine-- My answer to the question is to suggest, once more, that she might not be looking for D/s but for BDSM. She just doesn't know the words.

True enough. My view is narrow, and based solely on what I've experienced. I realize that.

 

[welkin]

Very smart!

I'm the same way about safety.

I miss the excitement of walking on the edge though. So much.

FF

Ahhhh yes, in the first few days / weeks, it was as if I received a new life. Every day I woke up extremely aroused and excited, I was constantly in my own fairyland, everything I see around me just became so much more vibrant. There was a tiny me that kept screaming inside "This is me! A submissive! I've finally found what I want!"

Now I am just content -- I don't go for edgier plays, so I think my exploration is done. (But one never knows. )


As for labels, my take is that I'll be happy to explain in a longer sentence what I am ("Yes I like this and no I don't like that"), and after which I'll tell you in my vocabulary, such a definition makes me a "sub". And since there is no one official bdsm glossary, who's to say my definition is incorrect?

And even my own definition I don't care much for, actually now that I think about it. Labels only help one makes the first pass of filtering a crowd of potential partners. "Are you a dom? Good, then maaaaybe we can work something out." But after that first pass, there is only "people I want to play with" and "people I don't want to play with". And that's that.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

But the other issue, and one I think is probably more worth thinking about is that the D/s default turns what (in my mind) is a sexual preference (that you might or might not share with your partner) into a relationship commitment thing (that you MUST share with your primary partner until death or divorce or a messy breakup Do You Part.

The way that so many people don't even question that gives me the creeps-- as you also know

So to my mind, if you're enjoying being done unto, or being ravished, or taking orders, you're a bottom. If you love to do, or ravish, or give the orders, you're a top.

IF IF IF your preferences and someone else's preferences match up and a relationship forms, and your mutual preferences are a huge part of the strength of the relationship-- then you could say that you're so-and-so's dominant, or master or whatever. Or so-and-so's sub, or slave etc.

Thank you for listening.

Makes total sense to me. Of course, I know your position on this, but to me, this is the clearest articulation, and should be voted out of committee and onto the floor for a vote.

 

[lissa808]

Fascinating.
Do either of you think you'll take that step into real life D/s?

And for lissa, did this harm your marriage relationship?

Oh it has definately affected my marriage because he is just not dominant as far as sex goes, and I'm not sure i can live with that.
On the upside, my online relationship showed me that I was not happy managing other people, being the boss...I quit my management position and couldn't be happier.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Fascinating.
Do either of you think you'll take that step into real life D/s?

And for lissa, did this harm your marriage relationship?

I did. OL was just a bit of a 'is this the sort of stuff I really like?' kind of exploration period. Once I realised yes, I dropped the OL and went RL.

Actually, it was the person I was interacting with OL that really encouraged me to explore RL options. And I still talk to him on occasion, he likes to hear if I'm doing well.

 

[the captians wench]

My biggest issue would be the physical interaction; I need to feel Master, I need to feel his control, pain & pleasure; I need to feel his cock in my mouth, I need to breathe in his scent; I need those after scene snuggles. I need to see his face as he plays me. I couldn't do without all of that.

I guess that is my main question; how does one make it work without the physical?

I'm a very needy little thing. Extremely affectionate. But I love him, so we make it work.

Neither one of us intended to venture this way, it just happened. Of course i think of us as more of (very) Long distance than online.

And I have friends who are as affectionate as I am, so I can get what physical contact I need to that way.

I don't know how to address the trust question. I just do, and he puts the same trust in me. He has ground rules, and he knows what my expectations are as well, mainly that intails a lot of communication and honesty.

I'm a pain slut, and he's a sadist, it's one of the reasons this happened. He's been very creative on how to give me the pain I need. Of course it helps that I'm such a people pleaser that I've actually given myself bruses by his command, worse than anyone ever did to me.

If I didn't have some hope that this would lead further, I wouldn't be able to continue this way. And when my hope faulters, which it has at times, that's when I tend to rebel, my trust faulters, and I question everything. We talk it out, and that helps.

I still say I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's hard, lonely, and misserable at times, but I love him too much to wish him away.

 

[redheadedtxn]

I'm a very needy little thing. Extremely affectionate. But I love him, so we make it work.

Neither one of us intended to venture this way, it just happened. Of course i think of us as more of (very) Long distance than online.

And I have friends who are as affectionate as I am, so I can get what physical contact I need to that way.

I don't know how to address the trust question. I just do, and he puts the same trust in me. He has ground rules, and he knows what my expectations are as well, mainly that intails a lot of communication and honesty.

I'm a pain slut, and he's a sadist, it's one of the reasons this happened. He's been very creative on how to give me the pain I need. Of course it helps that I'm such a people pleaser that I've actually given myself bruses by his command, worse than anyone ever did to me.

If I didn't have some hope that this would lead further, I wouldn't be able to continue this way. And when my hope faulters, which it has at times, that's when I tend to rebel, my trust faulters, and I question everything. We talk it out, and that helps.

I still say I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's hard, lonely, and misserable at times, but I love him too much to wish him away.

My best to you, I hope things go the direction you want..sooner rather than later!

I couldn't do a l/d relationship, I'm too damn needy.

 

[vintage63]

But see-- you did;


it took me so long to write and post that comment, i didnt see yours untill after I'd posted mine-- My answer to the question is to suggest, once more, that she might not be looking for D/s but for BDSM. She just doesn't know the words.

Actually I am far more interested in D/s ... I am with someone who is vanilla whom I love.... then I discovered D/s and want to explore so my partner said yes. I now have a Master and we are exploring D/s , not BDSM.
I have the words

 

[Stella_Omega]

Actually I am far more interested in D/s ... I am with someone who is vanilla whom I love.... then I discovered D/s and want to explore so my partner said yes. I now have a Master and we are exploring D/s , not BDSM.
I have the words

I stand corrected.

Does D/s equal a relationship in your mind, as it does in mine? Or am I way off base on this?

 

[ecstaticsub]

On the topic of on-line being D/s or BDSM--

Even though I would say my situation is more long-distance then on-line (meaning we talk on the phone more then we chat on-line, in the beginning we only saw each other 2-3 times a year and now it is closer to once a month) It has always been more D/s then BDSM.

I have never inflicted pain or a punishment on myself on cam, I don't do self-bondage (ok, once I did just to see if I could do it it was quite hilarious really). I am trying to think here and other then some anal training activities I don't think there is anything I would consider as bottoming.

But submission? Hell yes. It is that submission and his dominance that has enabled our relationship to turn into a loving relationship. It has how we got to now the inner workings of each other minds. (and hearts)

We save the whips and chains for when we get together in person.

 

[Stella_Omega]

How does dominance and submission manifest for you? I'm deep into my humble student mode right now haha-- or anyway, learning new things...

 

[redheadedtxn]

How does dominance and submission manifest for you? I'm deep into my humble student mode right now haha-- or anyway, learning new things...

Probably different for everyone.

My Master/Daddy is someone I respected and admired and adored as a friend for years...for a long time I could just feel he was a dominant personality. There was affection there before we entered into a relationship.

Add some liquid courage one night, and so it began. Our sexual relationship has always been D/s, he likes telling me what to do and how, controlling the situation. I thrive in being ordered about and played like an instrument.

Our relationship has evolved to the point now that there is "Sir?" and I open doors for him, ask permission to text, masturbate, etc. A lot of fun bantering and teasing, we laugh a lot.

But, we do not live together - nor do I desire that kind of relationship. I enjoy the way things are.

He has final say in matters pertaining to our relationship (playdates, trips, etc.). We are monogamous, but I do what I want with my friends, etc. He is not my whole world. As I am not his.

Not really sure how else to explain it. We explore together, learn together, and our level of emotion grows constantly. Not to say there hasn't been any rough patches, but we have grown from them together.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Our relationship has evolved to the point now that there is "Sir?" and I open doors for him, ask permission to text, masturbate, etc.

Ah, thanks. I'm a literalminded person in some ways, and specifics like these speak to me better than anything.

 

[subish2009]

I like a lot of what Wenchie said. We just make it work.

I'm married. My online D is married. My husband knows. My husband and I also have a D/s relationship. I'm in love with both of them. I never see my online love in r/l. I don't know if I ever will. We both want to, but my husband is not comfortable with it at this time. My online D and I email constantly, IM on "date nights" (usually once a week) and share occasional pics, not all "dirty." And even the ones that are "dirty," would be TAME by the definitions of most people on this board, I daresay.

I love him like I've never loved anyone in the world. I would never in a million years have thought such a love was possible with constraints like ours. He is my best friend, he is my love, he is my other half. He's married. I'm married. There are kids.

We make it work. It sucks and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know how else to say it. We never went looking for it. We met here and were in love before we realized what was happening. Love like you read about in storybooks. It's effing hard. And I can't imagine life without him.

Oh, and as for the D/s stuff...what's to explain? D/s is different in every relationship. He's the boss. He's the leader. He takes care of me. As for sex, well...obviously we have really good imaginations. We construct our own reality. A very intense, very powerful reality. And we do all the things together there, via email and IM (and occasionally he'll tell me to do something in r/l) that we long to do in r/l.

It's hard to balance with the husband since they're both into orgasm control. The logistics on that are imperfect, but we work within the parameters we have. My body, I've learned, is extremely susceptible to suggestion and our connection is unbelievable. He gets whatever reaction he wants out of me effortlessly. We don't do phone. We don't webcam. We don't even do voice files. We're damn good writers.

 

[jenniferbaby]

I'm sort of curious how this works - how do you really trust? How do you know they're not someone totally different than they're representing themselves to be? How do you *know* they don't have a wife or girlfriend or husband?!

I've never had a problem with trust in online relationships of any kind, D/s or other. I've represented myself as I am and take it on face value that others have as well. I didn't expect the other person to be monogamous with me and they often did have primary partners.

How does the control aspect work? If you're into spanking or punishment, how do you work that out? How do you know your sub/slave is following directions?

The control aspect worked for me because that's what I wanted. When first playing online, I asked a partner how he would feel if I wasn't doing things as he specified because I did fudge on a few things. He told me that he gets off on believing that I'm doing it and he would be sorely disappointed if I wasn't. Soon after that, we started using cams and it was no longer an issue. More than that, I realized that I really wanted that control and if I was fudging things I wasn't going to get it the way I wanted. And if I wasn't getting what I wanted, what was the whole purpose of the relationship in the first place?

ETA: Doms can be very creative when it comes to long-distance punishments.

Another question - why not go for the full "in person" experience? With sites like FetLife out there?

There are lots of reasons people try online rather than in-person. For me, my life and emotional situation doesn't have much room for me to find an in-person D/s relationship. At the time that I was having all these new desires and feelings, looking for it online was my best option. Now though, online doesn't work for me either. If not online, not in-person, then what? Sigh.

 

[jenniferbaby]

Oh, and as for the D/s stuff...what's to explain? D/s is different in every relationship. He's the boss. He's the leader. He takes care of me. As for sex, well...obviously we have really good imaginations. We construct our own reality. A very intense, very powerful reality. And we do all the things together there, via email and IM (and occasionally he'll tell me to do something in r/l) that we long to do in r/l.

This makes a lot of sense. I really appreciate the way that being online has broadened my imagination and my imagination has broadened my online life.

 

[vintage63]

I stand corrected.

Does D/s equal a relationship in your mind, as it does in mine? Or am I way off base on this?

I do think D/s has to be a relationship. If not is playing only. I thing D/s has to have that deep connection and communication. It is a type of relationship. I am just able to have 2 relationships. One D/s and one not. One a woman and one a male.
sighs.... I just love how amazing life is.

Have a great day Stella.... I always love your posts.