Question

[Ebonyfire]

Ah, thank you! I had virtually no experience in the BDSM realm when I met Him, but I arrived on the scene here (sorry for the pun!) right when one of the most famous trios in our area went down in flames. They were known as the Terrible Trio. It was a very good object lesson in how NOT to handle a Poly. Since Sir knew that I like the ladies too, He made sure we talked about it way back in the beginning.

By the way, Ebonyfire, it's great to see your pixels again. You had stopped posting here just after I started posting, and You were sorely missed.

Thanks. I am always active in D/s, but not always posting.

I do not mean to highjack, but I feel negotiations are fundamental to success in any relationship, but is necessary to successful BDSM and or D/s relationships.


Eb

 

[hotblooded]

Another question

If you negotiated a set of guidelines for the relationship and he's suddenly changing the rules, you need to renegotiate. If he refuses to negotiate, or refuses to listen to your concerns or worse, listens to them and says 'I'm the capital letter in the relationship so deal with it." , this would be a HUGE red flag for me. Unless you've negotiated a "no limits" sort of thing. In that case, all bets are off. If you've agreed to have no limits on you and now you find that poly is a limit, you owe it to everyone involved to end it as painlessly as possible.

I love the replies to this thread and I agree with you 100%. I'm a bit worried about the slave with no limits. A Master is responsible for the physical and emotional well being of his girl....yes?
If the addition of a second playmate or other would likely cause serious emotional distress, what in your opinion is the proper thing for a Master to do? I know that the life of a slave can be often difficult and that one has to accept these new situations, but.... but

 

[Ebonyfire]

If the addition of a second playmate or other would likely cause serious emotional distress, what in your opinion is the proper thing for a Master to do? I know that the life of a slave can be often difficult and that one has to accept these new situations, but.... but

I can only say what I would do. In my situation I have a commitment to slave as his Mistress and his life partner. I personally care about him, and so would not allow anything I do cause him serious emotional distress. However, since our relationship is in its infancy, this is necessary. We have not been together very long, and cannot afford "extras".

Eb

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I know that the life of a slave can be often difficult and that one has to accept these new situations, but.... but

Why does it seem that term slave is portrayed to mean difficult and must accept new situations no matter what? Are slaves not also people too, with thoughts and feelings? What matters most is how they express those thoughts and feelings to their Masters and Mistresses.

Pitching a fit is no way to get your point across, trust me. However, being respectful and requesting that you be heard will get you much further. I really think that They want happy slaves not unhappy ones, because we work so much better that way.

 

[shy slave]

We have talked about additional play partners and about poly.
When he first mentioned having a third person to play I cried.

Since then, I have thought a great deal about it.

For me, it weighs up like this:

• I do get jealous, it is not the issue it was, but that does not mean it won't be an issue in the future.

• I would have concerns that a third person would try to undermine his and my relationship. (Not necessarily deliberately but as a means of establishing themselves as a person in the relationship).

• How would I really react if I saw him fucking someone else?

• What about afterwards: if it is a play person do they pack up and go home or do they stay for a while. Would it be awkward or uncomfortable for any of us to be in the 'afterward' situation?

At present my thoughts are that if it is play I don't actually want to get to know them, I don't want to know normal ordinary things about them, I don't want to be their friend.
The reason for this is I don't want to end up thinking they are a better person for him (weird thoughts, but my head is weird sometimes).

Poly is a long way off; we are still in a LDR.
I don't want to consider poly I think it could make me small minded and bitter.

But we talk about many things, including sharing. I love that we can talk about anything nothing is barred conversation.

Mentally he has brought me a long way, it has not been coercion but time and understanding. Plus knowing he would not introduce anyone (or anything) into our relationship before both of us were ready to deal with any fall out.

 

[babiesmiles]

Play partners and a stable poly relationship are two separate and very different things IMO .

While I could understand the first one and previous a great deal of negotiation about all the " if and but " even accept it , I don't think I would be able to accept another submissive joining our relation in a permanent way ( but I never say never !) .

Master and I talked long about it ( even if only on a theoretic basis ) and he knows all my concerns and mental limits about that as I know perfectly he is more possibilist towards the whole poly matter.

Anyway as in my past relations ( vanilla ones ) I 've never compelled anyone to follow my whishes nor try to change the partner 's mind , I won't start now that I am in a D/s one. Like Dixcritter very acutely stated in the post n. 3 above , there is always a margin of choice in everything .

So if that thing should become an actual pressing need of his we both know that a new negotiated platform should be settled between us and for mutual agreement I would have the possibility either to go through my boundaries and mental reservations or to move on leaving him the possibility to live his life as his changed desires and needs would lead him to do .

The main thing is the clarity of expression and the total frankness and respect towards the other . They may sound hackneyed words but in my opinion with a good level of communication and complete trust and honesty besides a clear awareness of personal needs everything can be sorted , in a way or another .

 

[SirFace]

You would be surprised at the number of female dominants who have the "stable" mentality.

Eb

Good point, I stand corrected.

 

[bronntanas]

If you want to get all technical, I'm in a poly. Kat and I had an encounter back in Ireland last year, and then came home and started dating amber. Then I moved to the area. Since Kat and amber had discussed other play partners as well as the possibility of adding a third in a more permament manner. I was invited in as a playmate, but it sort of grew into something else. However, all three of us have talked intensively about how to handle this. It is interesting to note that Kat identifies primarily as lesbian, and amber as bisexual, as am I. But amber has said that she doesn't think she could handle another female in the relationship. So we sort of fell from a Kat and amber and occasionally bronn to Kat and amber and bronn, but it wasn't by happenstance. It's been a carefully choreographed move, to be sure that no one got trampled in the fray. I also know that I'm clearly secondary. If I thought my prescence was bad for the two of them, I'd step aside. So far, we're all happy.

 

[Private_Label]

Not having been involved in a LT relationship or a poly one, the only thing I can say is...

I have self esteem issues when it comes to thinking I am attractive to the sex I want to attract. I wouldn't want to split my attention with two lovers and I would focus on just one at this point, meaning person #2 would be left out, or I would feel left out when the person of my desire gave attention to the other person in the relationship. I would be very jealous. I do think it is possible for a poly to work, but it has to be people for which the relationship works, even people who want poly may not click with every group. Because I would feel jealous/left out/upset, at the time pbeing poly would not work for me. Will it work for me in the future? A lot would depend on my partner and the person we were bringing in, with a great chance of it probably NOT working long term, and a slim chance of it working even for the short term.

I would say if it makes you uncomfortable and you get no input on the third at all, I would second Dixiecritter's comment about asking for your release if he insists on bringing in a permanent third. From what I have seen discussed here the conversation about this should be conducted as equals and you should specify exatly what aspects you might be willing to allow now, possibly allow later after some time and thought, and what aspects you don't think you will ever budge on. But you need to find out exactly wat aspects of the scene he wants to include a third sub in, as a temprary addition or as a something that would happen occasionally, or would happen in a long term live in arrangement. It may be that what he has in mind may be something that you would not object to, and may be a lot less that what you fear he might want.

But you wont know unless you talk to him instead of us.

 

[shy slave]

If you want to get all technical, I'm in a poly. Kat and I had an encounter back in Ireland last year, and then came home and started dating amber. Then I moved to the area. Since Kat and amber had discussed other play partners as well as the possibility of adding a third in a more permament manner. I was invited in as a playmate, but it sort of grew into something else. However, all three of us have talked intensively about how to handle this. It is interesting to note that Kat identifies primarily as lesbian, and amber as bisexual, as am I. But amber has said that she doesn't think she could handle another female in the relationship. So we sort of fell from a Kat and amber and occasionally bronn to Kat and amber and bronn, but it wasn't by happenstance. It's been a carefully choreographed move, to be sure that no one got trampled in the fray. I also know that I'm clearly secondary. If I thought my prescence was bad for the two of them, I'd step aside. So far, we're all happy.

This sounds good for all of you Bronn.

Appreciate you sharing it with us

 

[Snoozebutton2]

My Master has brought up to me the idea of having another submissive join us. I don't care for this idea at all. I have expressed my feelings to him about having another sub join us. I understand the final decision is his, however, what do I do? I am having a real hard time with this. Just the thought of having her touch him or vice versa turns me off.

I am very happy with my Master but I am having such a difficult time involving another sub during our play time. Any advice?

Run now and far away. As if he can't respect limits your journey will only get worse. If you submit to this you will either come to hate him or yourself. Either way it's not healthy for your relationship. And yes it is still a relationship. And what happens when he decides you both want a poly relationship. I see a lot of smoke and sure there is much fire to follow.

 

[dexwebster]

I have yet to meet a submissive woman who embraces this kind of thing. I don't want any part of it, I can tell you that.

It would be a huge deal breaker for me.

I don't know that I count for this, because I'm actually a switch owned by another switch, so there are other complications (whether the third partner is sub/domme/switch, how the powerplay fell between the three of us), but off hand I'd say I'm completely fine with it.

 

[Prof Bill]

The Third

There have been some really excellent posts on this topic, at least in my opinion. Thank you all.

When I first came into the scene there was a lot of discussion about who was really in charge of the relationship. (I really think that's like discussing the sex of angels, but what do I know?) General consensus, from which I've not felt it necessary to deviate, is that the sub has ultimate control because he/she can leave. And, truth be told, many do.

I have been with subs who liked ladies, who wanted to try ladies, who officially classifed themselves as "bi-curious," or who otherwise indicated that having a lady join us might be a good idea.

The first time I invited a lady it led to the end of the relationship. The other girl pleasured my sub and was pleasured by her in turn. I then pointed out that I was the only one who had not been pleasured and my sub and the other lady began to do that, taking turns. My mistake was allowing the other lady to finish the matter. My sub thought I was playing favorites (and every guy here knows that at a certain stage anything remotely resembling planning disappears and the only important thing is release), and that began a period of bickering which resulted in a mutually agreed upon separation.

My current sub and I have played with one other lady and we both enjoyed it. The process we follow might be helpful to those who are contemplating doing something like this.

First, we discussed exactly what we were looking for and agreed that our goal was erotic fun. Second, we knew that at the end of any and everything, we were staying together, and that this was a temporary, recreational activity that we were contemplating. This discussion made us both comfortable.

I forget how we found this lady, exactly, but she was not the first prospect. We had said "no" to a few beforehand. With this one, we chatted on line (each of us, separately), and then my sub met her for coffee one evening. They spent a couple of hours together and my sub said she'd be comfortable if we were joined by this lady, so we invited her, she accepted, and we had a very good time.

Since then, and in an effort to be fair, I've given my sub permission to seek out another man if she wants. She talked with an old lover a couple of times but has not seen him (at least not yet). I nixed another guy who intrigued her because I just caught bad vibes from him when we spoke.

This is not polyamory, so in that regard our experience may be different. But, what seems to work for us in our situation is that we know this is really a recreational activity and we keep our emotional involvement in it at that level. We're honest with each other and the people we talk with and no one seems to have been hurt by what we have done.

But with all that, I return to what a number have said. If this is a hard limit, it's a hard limit. If the Dom is not going to respect it, you have to get out.

Bill

 

[shy slave]

The first time I invited a lady it led to the end of the relationship. The other girl pleasured my sub and was pleasured by her in turn. I then pointed out that I was the only one who had not been pleasured and my sub and the other lady began to do that, taking turns. My mistake was allowing the other lady to finish the matter. My sub thought I was playing favorites (and every guy here knows that at a certain stage anything remotely resembling planning disappears and the only important thing is release), and that began a period of bickering which resulted in a mutually agreed upon separation.

Having read this it tweaked my jealousy buttons.

Not sure how I would feel if this happened, if it had been talked about beforehand it may be ok; but if not I would feel left out, isolated and very unwanted.
This would be despite any talk of being the alpha sub which I don't really understand in terms of D/s.
I am submissive I don't want to be the 'top submissive' or 'first submissive' that is a weird oxymoron to me.
I realise other people see this differently and it is not a dig at anyone else, just my POV.

 

[blue kat]

A Master is responsible for the physical and emotional well being of his girl....yes?
If the addition of a second playmate or other would likely cause serious emotional distress, what in your opinion is the proper thing for a Master to do? I know that the life of a slave can be often difficult and that one has to accept these new situations, but.... but

I'm not going to answer on the slave relationships because I don't have slaves, I have two subs. However, my responsibility is to everyone in the relationship. To that end, amber KNEW that poly is something I've been interested in forever. She also knew that I will occasionally play casually with others. I put my cards on the table on our second date. I told her that if anything ever made her uncomfortable, she was to tell me, and that withholding such information is the same as lying (by omission). (Lying is one of the two things that will get you dismissed immediately.) I decided that I would not bring anyone into the relationship as a permanent addition until we were stable. She told me that she was uncomfortable with another woman, and I accepted that, and entered the relationship knowing that poly would probably not work for us because of my primary interest in women.

But then bronn moved into the area, and she likes him. And I like him. And it's fun to beat on him. It gradually slipped into all three of us. So now we're a loose-knit three. It works for us. Bronn is free to explore other relationships, as long as he clears it with me first. I trust him to be careful with his body and he is. That's the crux of it. Everyone in the relationship HAS to be trustworthy and capable of acting like an adult.

 

[dominiqque]

The first time I invited a lady it led to the end of the relationship. The other girl pleasured my sub and was pleasured by her in turn. I then pointed out that I was the only one who had not been pleasured and my sub and the other lady began to do that, taking turns. My mistake was allowing the other lady to finish the matter. My sub thought I was playing favorites (and every guy here knows that at a certain stage anything remotely resembling planning disappears and the only important thing is release), and that began a period of bickering which resulted in a mutually agreed upon separation.
-----------------------------------

stifling a grin...poor you (and I mean that sincerely) I understand completely how this could happen. A guy doesn't even give a second thought to whose going to finish him off.... chuckles..

Everyone knows it's the number #1 girl who gets the seed. ..wags a finger!

 

[Etoile]

I am in a long-term poly triad relationship. My wife and I have been together 8 and a half years. My Daddy and I have been together a little over 6 years. We have been a triad for - gosh, four or five years now.

I will say with all honesty that being poly is the greatest thing that could have happened to me. It is also the worst thing that could have happened to me. I have gained so much from both of my relationships, and even from being in a triad. That said, it has also caused a lot of heartache and pain.

Others have already said that you don't have to sit down and take this. If a dominant is telling you "I'm the master, therefore it must be so, and you must suffer" - run far away. Don't stay with someone who won't even consider negotiation. As Ebonyfire said - the dominant should care about the sub/slave and want to avoid long-term unhappiness in the relationship....not be so selfish as to cause it. If the two of you have a discussion, talk about it, see each other's sides, and really analyze this, and then he wants to do it anyway - then you could see it as your "duty"...but only if he has really considered your feelings on the matter. If he truly has done so, and didn't truly convince you that this might be a good thing, he won't go ahead with it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am in a long-term poly triad relationship. My wife and I have been together 8 and a half years. My Daddy and I have been together a little over 6 years. We have been a triad for - gosh, four or five years now.

I will say with all honesty that being poly is the greatest thing that could have happened to me. It is also the worst thing that could have happened to me. I have gained so much from both of my relationships, and even from being in a triad. That said, it has also caused a lot of heartache and pain.

Others have already said that you don't have to sit down and take this. If a dominant is telling you "I'm the master, therefore it must be so, and you must suffer" - run far away. Don't stay with someone who won't even consider negotiation. As Ebonyfire said - the dominant should care about the sub/slave and want to avoid long-term unhappiness in the relationship....not be so selfish as to cause it. If the two of you have a discussion, talk about it, see each other's sides, and really analyze this, and then he wants to do it anyway - then you could see it as your "duty"...but only if he has really considered your feelings on the matter. If he truly has done so, and didn't truly convince you that this might be a good thing, he won't go ahead with it.

Wow! I personally like to see success in relationships. It is most gratifying.

Eb