questions from a newbie

[VelvetDarkness]

HNG stands for 'horny net geek.' It's a catch all term for maladjusted nerds who live life vicariously through the internet; time wasters who will never progress further than email or IM and who are primarily looking for wank material.

You have been warned.

I also want to thank VelvetDarkness for the God-rant as it were. I've always felt closer to God/Mother Nature when I'm climbing a mountain, watching the sun rise or bathing in a clear glacial lake because how else could something so beautiful exist? For the sarcastic ones out there, yes, I am aware of the Big Bang, natural selection and evolution. But I digress... I suspect my library is about to grow.

Thanks honey. I did think about editing it before I started a flame fest on your thread but thankfully it didn't happen. Generally I keep my faith under my hat as this board is not about religion so it's rarely relevant.

Last question for this post: for any of you who started with reading/fantasizing and then went on to explore a relationship with someone, how real were the fantasies compared with hands-on bdsm? To anyone I didn't thank personally *hugs* I'm starting to feel like a know a bit about some of you and the bio-rundown for who to turn to is much appreciated. As for editing I will probably ask some blunt questions and get some blunt answers, which is what I want. I've spent a lot of years pussyfooting around anything that could be perceived as offensive. Not that the boob comment still doesn't raise my hackles, but I'd rather that than have people sugar-coating the truth. Catch you later.

faeriefire

Some things I knew I would like such as bondage and being controlled by a dominant man. Obviously there was no way or knowing whether I would enjoy pain in a sexual way until I experienced it from someone else. Paddling my own ass with a wooden spoon was not an indicator in my experience.

Most things I have been right about. Things that I had no interest in before I tried BDSM (urine, faeces, foot worship etc) are still limits for me and irrelevant to my journey.

You know yourself very well and if you scrutinise yourself closely, you'll be able to determine what you're most likely to enjoy and be 90% accurate.

Nobody knows whether they can skydive until they're 30,000 feet up and being told to jump. At the same time, most people who attempt skydiving have correctly judged that it's something they'll not only be able to cope with but something they'll really enjoy. Kink is kinda the same in many ways.

 

[faeriefire]

hmmm...and I soooo love to skydive I like the analogy

 

[intothewoods]

Last question for this post: for any of you who started with reading/fantasizing and then went on to explore a relationship with someone, how real were the fantasies compared with hands-on bdsm?

Here's my rundown of fantasies I had prior to my relationship IRL, and how they compared IRL:

M/s: No, though I figured that out without trying it.
power exchange in a sexual context/D/s: Yes, super hot.
spanking: Yes, but it took a while.
whartenberg wheels: eh, but I love sharp things - not particularly interested in drawing blood though
cropping: Yes!
flogging: Eh.
bondage: hell yes.
face slapping/breath play: yess, though lightly and only the hint of it is needed

Also, generally, I was really drawn to long, flourishy detailed scenes in my fantasies. My reality is just not like that. First of all, we don't have hours to dedicate to this every day. Sometimes he gets a hankering for a certain toy, or to tie me up, but other times not and that's just as well for me.

 

[sexycaz22]

1. Are religious philosophies (Christian in particular) compatible with...shoot, I don't even know how to say it. I guess I want to know how people active in the lifestyle balance any religious beliefs, especially those religions that say there's something inherently wrong with sex?

I am not a religious person so I can't help out with that one, sorry.

2. I have this love-hate thing going on in my head: it's been sorta ingrained that anything sexual is 'dirty' or 'evil' but I think that's part of the appeal. How do folks handle prejudice in their own head?

This is a very good question. It was not really a love-hate in my head, more likely; afraid/fear against confidence in who I am. I was fearful that if I showed just a bit of the true me to my friends and family, I might have lost the people who I love, and close to me. So, I did keep the fantasies hidden deeply in my mind, and I did things on the secret, and feeling guilty at the same time. Ever since I told one of my closet friends about my kinky side, I begun to show a bit of the true me (not all) to my friends who knows that I am open dating (but not that I am kinky) and the more happier and confidence me to my family who don't know anything about the kinky me or that I am going on dates with different men, although they do know I have been on dates, they assumed that it was one and same guy!! So, I have suppressed things inside me for too long, and quite often, I got depressed as a result. But lately, I am more happier and more confident, although at the moment, I am going through a "blues" phase, but that's for another time and another thread, perhaps!!

3. How do people usually learn about bdsm/kink/deviance/etc.? Is one avenue safer than others? A bit along those lines how does one know if they're a Dom/sub/switch?

The first time I begun to express my kinky interests, it was on the secret, and if I am honest, I rushed things, and begun an online relationship with a Dom (although I do think it was a HNG!!) So after a while, I felt a bit dirty, doing things for him without thinking carefully about it, it depressed me, and I stopped after a month or so. For the next couple of years, the kinky me were really really hidden deeply inside me, until I talked with a good friend online who happened to be a Dom, and after talking with him, I begun to think more about the kinky me, and so I came to the BDSM boards and like you, I asked questions and more questions, some people gave me a book reading list, I bought 3 books, did my research, went along to the local munch, etc....and it really helped me a lot, as it certainly gave me a good chance to explore my kinky needs without rushing in any relationships as such.

4. Once they've become involved in the community do people go back and forth from D/s to vanilla or do people pretty much stick to one or the other?

This is a very difficult and personal question for me at the moment, and I am wanting to think more on this question, and I might make a thread on this one - related to my "blues" phase!

And if I break any rules of etiquette or whatever the standards here are please let me know so I don't annoy people without realizing it. Thank you for your patience with me.

faeriefire

The greatest thing about being on this forum is that the folks on here don't care about rules of etiquette as such as the capitals or the Y/you or H/he etc, which is a great relief for me!! As I really hate using the "dashes" but certainly, the most important thing is respect for all point of views, and be prepared for some straight-talking from some folks - which is what I love - the straight-talking comments, rather than "going around what you really want to say", I have been there and certainly don't want to go back there!

The last thing I wanted to say; Welcome to the BDSM forums, do ask questions, and more questions - we won't bite, unless asked to!

 

[sexycaz22]

** double post ** sorry, I forgot to answer the latest question!

Last question for this post: for any of you who started with reading/fantasizing and then went on to explore a relationship with someone, how real were the fantasies compared with hands-on bdsm?

After going along to the local munch, and meeting this lovely guy with whom I have chatted with on the MSN for a few weeks before the meeting-up, he have offered to help me get one of my fantasies come true, and that is the OTK (over the knee) spankings. The first time his hand hit my sweet bum *blush* I felt like I have came home! Now I have been spanked, paddled, and flogged - ahhh...lovely! Certainly not on the same level as my fantasties....even more better!!

I am now hoping to explore my Toppy side with a sub friend, unfortunately, for both of us, things keeps in getting in the way - work etc!