Red Handcuffs

[Gladist]

Sorry Maria, this is pretty much the only poem I've ever completed and felt like sharing. I wrote it in about 50 seconds, and edited in 2 minutes. Which is why it's so small.

 

[flyguy69]

Actual Reply
I would love to see your free-reigning thoughts on my poem. I won't lie - I wanted to generate some replies and then be mysterious and confusing with my replies, but I changed my mind. It is intended to have many different meanings, you make what you want out of it.

But wildsweetone, please go ahead and post your thoughts. I would rather that than holding back.

Chit Chat:
Hi everyone. I was out for the whole day celebrating. It kind of surprised me to see 20 replies, I was thinking "Oh my, either I've created a work of art by accident, or I've embarassed myself to hell." Instead I get a thread hijack. Which could be a good thing if it makes more people curious to view the poem...or not.

Why does someone with a single post know anything about thread hijacks?

 

[Tzara]

little red cuffs
on tiny white hands
bring tears of joy
to my lonely gray life



Any comments?

Hi, Gladist. I'm sorry to have contributed to the thread hijack, but that's how things turn out sometimes.

I would also say too many adjectives, but I am especially sensitive to that at the moment, because of the thread previously cited.

I like the red/white/gray transition. Back/white/gray would be better, I think, but you obviously have red for a reason. "Tears of joy" seems to me cliché, but what is and what is not cliché is always a matter of taste.

The fact that the title is "Red Handcuffs" and you use "red" in the first line seems redundant and lessens the impact of the word.

Welcome to the party. Sit and talk a while.

 

[Maria2394]

Hi, Gladist. I'm sorry to have contributed to the thread hijack, but that's how things turn out sometimes.

I would also say too many adjectives, but I am especially sensitive to that at the moment, because of the thread previously cited.

I like the red/white/gray transition. Back/white/gray would be better, I think, but you obviously have red for a reason. "Tears of joy" seems to me cliché, but what is and what is not cliché is always a matter of taste.

The fact that the title is "Red Handcuffs" and you use "red" in the first line seems redundant and lessens the impact of the word.

Welcome to the party. Sit and talk a while.

If you think about that riddle of the sphinx

What goes about on 4 in the morning
2 at noon
and three in the eve?

~~

apply the colors to the transitions of life, instead of the number of "feet"

1-crawl
2- walk unaided
3-with cane

red, as a newborn
white as someone in middle life, ( if caucasion) heh not a good comparison I guess
gray at the end

 

[Guest]

Why does someone with a single post know anything about thread hijacks?

*snickers* Things that make ya go "hmmm"

It wasn't me!

 

[wildsweetone]

hi Gladist, please forgive the messyness of my thoughts but i saw your request and wanted to quickly leave my comments before i have to go offline.

i mean no offense with what i say and i hope there's something in there that's of use to you. i know that i learnt a lot from my amateur analysing and will be trying to put into practise in my own writing some of the things i've found out here. so from my heart, thank you for sharing this poem. you've helped me.



~

Red Handcuffs

little red cuffs
on tiny white hands
bring tears of joy
to my lonely gray life



Any comments?

I hope you don't mind but I'm following the temptation and going further with looking at this poem.

-There are a lot of adjectives (six) and three (I think) verbs, on, bring, and to.


-it stands to reason if the cuffs were little, that the hands would be tiny otherwise they wouldn't fit.

-'tears of joy' is a cliche - can you think of another way of saying the same thing, make it unique.

-'bring tears of joy' is actually clever because had it been written 'bring joyful tears' it would have added another adjective, this way around it turns 'joy' into a noun (I think).

-there is no punctuation, do you have a reason for that?

-what makes this a poem? okay, granted, there is a natural rhythm/beat when reading. but where are the poetic turns of phrase?

i would not normally do this but i need to this time:
-taking out two adjectives gives an instantly tighter feel to the lines.

'little red cuffs
on white hands
bring tears of joy
to my gray life'

-taking out two more...

Red cuffs
on white hands
bring tears of joy
to my life

red cuffs
on white hands
bring joyful tears
to my life

cuffs
on hands
bring joy
to life

-the writing becomes very tight, very succinct and in the end, ends up being a statement that needs more filling out, in my opinion. but filling out without the use of adjectives.

-the title to this poem (which in my usual way I missed for a while) says nothing new for the poem. in fact, it repeats what the poem contains. it could be used to the poems advantage but it seems almost a wasted chance.

-the poem raises a question, why is your life lonely and grey? it might be worth exploring that question in the extension of the basic seven words.

thanks for sharing your writing.