Same Title Challenge 2

[sandj]

disclaimer - I am still learning about poetry and about what and how to comment on it. Please excuse my ignorance. I hope some of my comments help in some manner. Please ask if you need me to explain my thoughts better.




This poem says so much and I seem to understand it well, from my own perspective. I like the metaphors – ‘air thick with breath and the memory of words’ it almost doesn’t need the ‘echoed footsteps…’ but that phrasing enhances the thickened air. Is the ‘ringing in my ears’ too much? I don’t think so. I also like the comparisons of ‘before’ and ‘after’ and the commitment to continue even knowing mistakes will be made. Your imagery is good, the language tells me all I need to know. I don’t understand French so have no idea what that phrasing means. Thinking about your first line, I want to know more detail about the ‘promise on your finger’ – how, specifically, does that work? Perhaps something a little more concrete for my mind to grasp…?

Thank you for your comments, wild. Despite your disclaimer, you have demonstrated a willingness to engage poems in a thoughtful manner, which is all any of us can do.

To begin, the French phrase I use (vous et nul autre, por tous jour) is actually taken from two separate poesy rings from the 15th century, now located at the Victoria and Albert Museum in London. Roughly, it translates as "You and no other, for all days." I have no working knowledge of French grammar, so stringing the two phrases together as I have done may very well be wrong and sound idiotic to someone who actually understands French. I wouldn't be surprised, anyway. Poesy rings, if you don't know, were common tokens of affection in Medieval and Renaissance Europe, rings engraved with phrases and designs and bits of poems. I tried to find a link to give you that would explain it better than that, but every site I found with Google was selling them and therefore limited in information. Anyway, here's a link that might give you an idea: http://home.sprynet.com/~gipsyped/rings.htm
The first two rings listed are the ones I refer to in the poem.

Which leads me to the "promise on your finger." That phrase is meant to imply a ring (wedding, engagement, or merely a gift, doesn't matter specifically, just the idea of it symbolizing some form of commitment). I guess it didn't come across too well.

I like the unity, the complete circle within this poem. At first I found the mechanics of your poem, choppy but then the reasoning and rhythm seemed to click and I understood as I continued reading. I find the way you’ve picked up on a single word and carried it forward, interesting and surprising which is great. With the flow of the poem, the ending is unexpected. Well done. Would adding a little aliteration improve it?

Yes, definitely choppy, though (I think ) that was intentional. The speaker isn't exactly stable, as I'm sure you figured out. I'm absolutely not averse to alliteration, as often it aids the overall effect. Good suggestion; I'll have to take a look at that.

 

[wildsweetone]

This is exactly why I love these Same Title Challenges so much! Thank you for explaining.

I wish I had an all knowing wisdom about these things. How could I not have understood that the 'promise on a finger' was of course a ring? All I can say is, it's very, very obvious now and the poem takes on a whole deeper meaning.

I guess if I 'knew all' then I wouldn't have the pleasure of being aware my eyes have been opened. Thank you for that sandj. You are appreciated.

 

[Remec]

The promise on your finger speaks softly in the dark
where I lie, still, unmoved. The air thick with breath
and the memory of words--echoed footsteps down
an empty hall, a ringing in my ears--draw around us
like ghosts we refuse to name.

Forever seemed so much closer at the start,
when our eyes were clear and our hands clean,
and we knew what we wanted. A kiss held
power the tongue could not gain through speech,
though we knew what to say: vous et nul autre
por tous jour, and for a moment

the words seemed right, complete. We never imagined
feet might kick or mouths bite, never saw a vow
as risk, love as loss or pain. So now we’ve learned,
I’ll try again; my promise to you: I will hurt you
as you will me, but we will heal and forgive.

I'll admit, my first thoughts were that it was too prosaic, but then I reread it and felt the poetry in the subtle bits of pacing, rhythm, and the promises held within the lines. The engagement/wedding ring holds both the speaker's hopes as well as being a reminder of both where they had come from within the relationship as well as what the two of them currently meant to one another.

I saw your note about the posey rings. This bit of explanation makes things clearer; but even without it, I felt I had a handle on what was being said and why. (I even managed to get the French without having to go look it up. <g>)

 

[Remec]

Remec,

This poem leaves me wanting more, as though it were unfinished. Maybe I'm just greedy, but what's here I like, and I want more of it. There's sadness and regret and disbelief here, but nothing concrete beyond that; the poem doesn't seem to go anywhere; it sets up an emotional state, but doesn't engage the emotions, which left me as a reader with little to grab onto. I hope I'm not being insensitive, and my apologies if I am. It's just that I honestly believe that, fleshed out and expanded, this could yield something really good. The form, if it is a traditional form, is not one I recognize, but reminds me of a villanelle, and perhaps extending it into a full villanelle would allow you to work through the difficult emotions laid out here.

And, nitpicky little grammar thing, sorry-- You don't need the comma at the end of the first and seventh lines; it separates your subject from your verb.

Thanks for this poem and for your patience with my comments.

Thank you for leaving me something to think about.

The form is called a triolet; and, yes, I think I agree that perhaps I should have tried for a form (if I was going to use a form) that allowed for a longer exploration of the subject and theme I was looking into.

As for the grammar thing, I think it's combination of overcoming previous trains of thought in that every line should have punctuation of some kind unless it is meant to proceed immediately into the line below it. (Sort of a visual mark for breath control, y'know?) But, in the same way I don't always follow the idea that every line needs to be capitalized, I prolly should reevaluate my punctuation choices as well.

 

[champagne1982]

The promise on your finger speaks softly in the dark
where I lie, still, unmoved. The air thick with breath
and the memory of words--echoed footsteps down
an empty hall, a ringing in my ears--draw around us
like ghosts we refuse to name.

Forever seemed so much closer at the start,
when our eyes were clear and our hands clean,
and we knew what we wanted. A kiss held
power the tongue could not gain through speech,
though we knew what to say: vous et nul autre
por tous jour, and for a moment

the words seemed right, complete. We never imagined
feet might kick or mouths bite, never saw a vow
as risk, love as loss or pain. So now we’ve learned,
I’ll try again; my promise to you: I will hurt you
as you will me, but we will heal and forgive.

Hi sandj. This poem has a bit of a melancholy feel to it but you do lift the reader up at the end. A very realistic roller coaster ride.

Your French needs assistance, I'll try to give a more accurate translation of what I believe you're saying -- "You and no other, always." Tu et aucun autre, toujours.

Thanks for letting us read your work. I'll be back for the other one in a while.

 

[BooMerengue]

Hi Everyone!

Sorry to not have my reviews done, but it's just not possible right now.

I just found out that my youngest sister, 50, has been diagnosed with Guillain Barre Syndrome. She's in a hospital in York, PA and completely helpless. I'm trying to get up there to care for her, and it's pretty chaotic here.

If any of you pray, please do. She's a vibrant, active fun loving gal, and has just in the last years met the love of her life and this is devastating for her.

My SiL has just lost a breast, another had part of her left lung removed, my brother is in Vanderbilt just having had spinal surgery and has Parkinsons, and my BiL just died from lung cancer. Life's a mess right now.

I'll be back asap and I will try to finish my thoughts quickly. Not sure I'll have internet access in PA.

Keep these Challenges going. They're wonderful! Back soon as I can!!

Love y'all!

 

[sandj]

Boo, my heart goes out to you. Please, be with your family; they need you. And don't give another thought to these reviews. You have enough on your mind, already.

Take care and come back safely when you can.

s

 

[PatCarrington]

best wishes, boo.

 

[wildsweetone]

You're all in my prayers Boo. Take good care of your Self too dear.
*hugs and kisses*

 

[BooMerengue]

Thank you, so much, you guys! I forget sometimes what a great bunch of people you all are!

Update: My Lil Sis may have to go to a rehab hosp, so she won't need me. I don't mind going, York is a beautiful place, but it looks like I may just be going for a visit. It'll be a long road for her, so we all still need prayers. And when I 'rattle my beads' tonight I will surely remember all of you! Again... thanks a gazillion and I love y'all!! Smoooochies!!!

 

[wildsweetone]

You're a good person Boo, even a short visit can do wonders to let a loved one know somebody else cares. Please let your little sis know she's in my thoughts.

wso
ps Thanks for the visual of you sitting 'rattling your beads'. That'll keep me on the straight and narrow for, oh, such a long time!

 

[BooMerengue]

at WSO walking the straight and narrow!! Hell, I don't even do a good job at that!

 

[wildsweetone]

Aw heck, I do try you know.



Thought that'd tickle your fancy. lol

 

[BooMerengue]

OK! Here we go!

It's kinda rushed because I do have to go to PA. My Lil Sis is pretty sick and her fella is an over the road trucker- leaves on Monday and not back til Friday PM. We're almost positive it is Guillain- Barre's Syndrome; the paralysis has reached her trunk. So I'm going, just to do whatever I can.

Anyway... Heres my thoughts.

"Promises"
by Remec

Sacred oaths and vows I swore,
gave way to time and an unanswered heart.
You'll always be the love I adore...
sacred oaths and vows I swore;
healthy or sick, rich or poor;
I thought only death would keep us apart.
Sacred oaths and vows I swore,
gave way to time and an unanswered heart.

I love this, Rem. If it were mine I'd tighten up the meter a bit, but thats just me. I love it's
circularity. (is that a word?)

Promises
by wildsweetone

Winter’s stark dark emptiness cowers
Under a new blue sky.
Daffodils sway gently in a warm
Eastern breeze.
Young oak leaves
Nourished by night rain
Unfurl,
Stretching in sun-rayed luxury.
A once dormant ivy vine mocks wig and gown
Sending tendrils around and up the solitary, scholarly oak
Curling and gripping crevices. A
Fat bud squats against a rose bush
Gleaning warmth and shelter out from the
Drip-line.
In the leaf litter, a shoot sprouts,
One leaf, two, an oak in miniature!
And beneath the Old Teacher, a mother, with
child suckling swollen breast,
Smiles.

WSO! Your images are terriffic here! I think I would remove 'scholarly'. To me that makes it sound like a college campus. Other than that I almost felt spring arriving!

Ange

Promise me
my rollar skates and key,
my blue Schwinn ten-speed
bike. Promise me the lilacs
that we planted by the fence
will bloom, and dogwood
flutter pink in June, that soon
roses will climb again
behind the bench you
painted green.

Promise me
I won't forget how sweet
the Tuesday wash could smell
when cotton tangled damp sheet
giggles hidden in a breeze,
or that I won't forget
when slumber's ease was blanketed
with scent of skin and cigarettes
and Dial soap.

Promise me
because these memories of rain
and root beer nights and Lincoln Logs
are where I've built a promised land
of hope stronger than any word
or deed could ever break,
and in return I promise
you will live forever, cresting
in the wake of every poem.

Gorgeous. Of course. Your childhood and mine are so alike, yet a generation apart. I wish, my friend, I could make this promise to you, but alas, Old Age creeps along relentlessly.

Champ

It seems the universe
was only just begun
when infinity became ours.

Words of forever
were spoken.
And love, always love.
Time counted down
in promises.

Too late, too late.
I cannot make time stand still.
Our hour of eternity
changes meaning
with each promise that we speak.

Yet, I would make
them all again.

I think we all would, Champ. This is lovely!

Sandj

The promise on your finger speaks softly in the dark
where I lie, still, unmoved. The air thick with breath
and the memory of words--echoed footsteps down
an empty hall, a ringing in my ears--draw around us
like ghosts we refuse to name.

Forever seemed so much closer at the start,
when our eyes were clear and our hands clean,
and we knew what we wanted. A kiss held
power the tongue could not gain through speech,
though we knew what to say: vous et nul autre
por tous jour, and for a moment

the words seemed right, complete. We never imagined
feet might kick or mouths bite, never saw a vow
as risk, love as loss or pain. So now we’ve learned,
I’ll try again; my promise to you: I will hurt you
as you will me, but we will heal and forgive.

This one is pretty deep, Sandj. I had to read it twice to get into it. It's very good. If only we could see into the future before we make vows, huh?

sandj

Your love is a promise
like the ground

the ground below, hard
concrete, littered with people
specks of dust, autumn leaves

leaves flutter downward
with only the air
to cushion their fall

falling in love is a hope for joy
and a promise of pain

pain is what binds us together
what keeps us apart

a part of my joy
is you beside me
when I wake

to wake is to know
eventually you will
sleep, just as birth
carries the weight of death

the dead and the dying
are all, we are one
or the other, life’s angry secret

a secret is a promise
perpetually unfulfilled

a promise is a circle
we are trapped inside

inside this room, behind
this glass, the echoes of sex

sex is a promise
of glass easily
broken

breath upon glass condenses
cold, the world strung out on all sides
from this window, the ground is calling

I call all the time, but you
never answer

the answer to life is
the force of attraction, the pull
of my body to yours

gravity is a promise we will
not lose the ground without finding it
hard, rushing up to greet us

the wind greets me, its thin embrace
solid as stone, as this stone ledge
that holds me up

you are the ground;
I will step out from this window and then
you will have to come back to me

I like this one, too, Sandj but I think it went a bit lengthy. Theres a form we've used for a Challenge once, It's called a Bob- I don't know who came up with it, but I think these thoughts you've placed here would do well in a Bob. I'll try to find it for you. I think you'll like it.

Sandspike

My love is retiring
after thirty-two years,
tough love and teaching
not a job a career.
BUT NOW IT'S ASSESSMENTS!
ARM WRESTLING PARENTS!
......she knows it's time.

They'll take her to lunch
pat her on the back.
She'll return and sub
less frequently till...
THERE IS ONLY ONE STUDENT!
I'M HEAD OF THE CLASS!
......an apple won't get it.

What do I give her
when she is everything.
keep the rhythm going
promise what she needs.

BE A BETTER MAN!
BE THE BEST I CAN!

......Lord knows it's time

Ohh, Spike! You sweet romantic! I love this, except for the caps. She's a lucky gal!

~~~​

I think these came out pretty dang nice! Ummm... about mine... I knew what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell the story of an older woman who had lived hard and her only solace was in the bottle. I made several attempts and didn't like a single one. So when that last verse popped into my mind I went back and reshaped it into a Sonnet and there you are!

Keep these going, ok? Some one else pick a title and a form and lets keep working. I'll be able to get in here every now and then.

Love y'all!

 

[wildsweetone]

Boo, you are a wonder dear. Thank you for taking the time to make comments. You've given me something to think about, as usual. Thank you.