Same Title Challenge

[sandj]

sanj
We call them 'bumble bees' here, but they wander through my garden mumbling so it seemed very apt. I agree with you on my last line. I couldn't figure out a better one in the time we had, I know full well it was not right but I think Angeline has some thoughts that may help in her comments about it. Thank you for taking the time to comment sanj.

~~~

Each constructive criticism not only gives me an interesting perspective but it helps to make me think harder and to improve my writing.

Again, thanks Boo, You Wonderful Woman You, for creating this idea. It's paying off Big Time.

wild,

Extra praise for you, since "mumble bees" was your own invention. It's such a great phrase, like something out of Joyce or Rushdie. I didn't want to assume that's what it was, only to find out that it's a common term where you live. Any way to spare myself more embarrassment, no?

I also want to reiterate what you said about the constructive criticism this challenge has engendered. I actually enjoyed reading and commenting on all the other entries more than I did writing my own. Take a bow, Boo!

 

[wildsweetone]

Oh flyguy rub it in why don't you?! how mortified can one become
before the ground opens up and
swallows her whole?!

sanj, I am embarrassed to the tips
of my high heel covered toes! You'd
have to be really embarrassed
to reach this state.

BTW don't you have bees that mumble?

 

[Angeline]

Oh good grief! I am very sorry sandspike!

Going to edit it right now!

*hiding in complete shame*

Don't hide. It was pretty darn funny. Anyway he knows we all love him, isn't that right sandshirk?

Now he can take umbrage with me.


slaps fly for pointing it out

 

[sandj]

BTW don't you have bees that mumble?

We absolutely have bees that mumble. They also hum, buzz, and bumble. That phrase just really stuck with me.

 

[wildsweetone]

....bumbling bees.

Okay, I'm off with my pen again! lol

 

[Angeline]

sandj, I am so embarrassed because I just realized I commented on everyone's poem but yours. Is it in this thread? I copied it from wildsweet's review. I apologize.

I love the series of examples. I'd edit it a bit to tighten it up. Just one opinion, of course, but I'd get rid of some of the prepositions and articles, shift things around a bit--maybe like this?

Simpler Days
By sandj

Whatever happened to simpler days,
when lines were clear. You didn’t
cross them. A man was a man,
and a woman was not.

Yes meant yes. No meant
nothing, there was only US
and them. In simpler days
you could tell the difference
between white and black
(two-fifths, apparently), a man
knew his worth and the world
was small enough that you knew
where you stood.

There were trees then,
enough to fill forests and lumberyards,
and our days were numbered endless
as the sky when we were too busy dying
to count or look up.

 

[echoes_s]

sorry I skipped out of town for a few

finally crashed. Had that "thank god it's over" feeling, now comes the calm for a bit!!!

 

[sandj]

sandj, I am so embarrassed because I just realized I commented on everyone's poem but yours. Is it in this thread? I copied it from wildsweet's review. I apologize.

I love the series of examples. I'd edit it a bit to tighten it up. Just one opinion, of course, but I'd get rid of some of the prepositions and articles, shift things around a bit--maybe like this?

Simpler Days
By sandj

Whatever happened to simpler days,
when lines were clear. You didn’t
cross them. A man was a man,
and a woman was not.

Yes meant yes. No meant
nothing, there was only US
and them. In simpler days
you could tell the difference
between white and black
(two-fifths, apparently), a man
knew his worth and the world
was small enough that you knew
where you stood.

There were trees then,
enough to fill forests and lumberyards,
and our days were numbered endless
as the sky when we were too busy dying
to count or look up.

No problem, Angeline, I was very late with my entry, about 10 minutes before midnight on the 13th, so it's no wonder that you didn't see it. I appreciate that you made the effort to go back and comment. The tightening up helps a bit, but honestly, I think I've given it up for dead, whithered in the shadows of greater, stronger entries. Anyway, thank you.

 

[sandspike]

Good challenge Boo!

I had a good time and read some great poems. You know, at the time the
simple days didn't seem so simple. Maybe we can do another 15 years from
now and write about 'Good Ole 2005'. Got to be a lesson here. Flyguy is
right, I've been called worst~~~~~~ but not by better poets.
After all, Ms sweetone got my first name right and bad publicity is better than
none.

 

[wildsweetone]

I had a good time and read some great poems. You know, at the time the
simple days didn't seem so simple. Maybe we can do another 15 years from
now and write about 'Good Ole 2005'. Got to be a lesson here. Flyguy is
right, I've been called worst~~~~~~ but not by better poets.
After all, Ms sweetone got my first name right and bad publicity is better than
none.

*embarrassing groan*
Make the most of it, Mr Spike,
The tide will change and then
Watch out. lol

As for the simplicity...
Life is as Simple as we
Care to make it,
But of course,
I didn't realise that
Until recently.


ps Does it count that I was thinking about sandpits at the time?

pps I wish this honey of a layout would quit making automatic subscriptions for me.

 

[champagne1982]

Hi Angeline, You know the standard disclaimer applies to you just as much as it does when I critique someone I don't know, so I'll just get on with it. Shall I? My views and thoughts are in bold face.

Simpler Days

If calendar pages would only quit
their restless bird flight to my oblivion, I can see that flock of monthly pigeons all lifting off to poop on the parade
I’d hold an infant in my arms again,
no need for imagination to reconstruct
how warm a little face feels
nudged against my skin. Could you change nudged to seeking (I know I know, watch the gerunds!) or even drift into cliche and use snuggling or nestling? Nudged is good too, but I prefer a more active verb, or even, something audible, like snuffling...

No one would walk away
to independence,
not even me. And your point is? What would you do to get to independence then, crawl? Would saying: No one would want to walk... clarify this? Or maybe you want to say that no one could?

If clocks would just untick
the toiling metronome of my age, Since we're in the clock/time metaphor I can see a more clockwork-y sort of image with the metronome.. They clack, they thrum and tap ... or even go with a time punch clock, "If clocks would just untick the timestamped punches of my age,"
I’d never flee to opportune the last
capture of my youth,
no need to discover
how warm my face feels
held lightly in the palms of joy.

I’d stay put, having turned the wheels
back far enough to fill their spokes
with Beatle cards and whistle
my bike down Hamilton Avenue,
left on D’Arcy and again to Hobart,
where simpler days parked
next door to Mrs. Kurtz’s daffodils,
against the brick wall of 528,
and a green bench with a rose trellis
that once whispered
Home. This is so full of breathless happiness... Don't change a thing!

 

[PatCarrington]

wow....this turned into quite a lovefest while i was drunk in the Smokies.

i will try to do my due diligence here when i get back home.

from the road.

 

[PatCarrington]

He never listens to me anyway.

yes i do too......sometimes.

just to show you,

the meat of blossomed pastures. I don't like "blossomed' because you really mean cows, not plants. Cows don't blossom. Don't argue.



i will change "blossomed" if you can show me cows here:


winter’s fast teeth, the grip hoist our lives
on ropes as from dark holds of ships
and hook in chilly lockers on chains
the meat of blossomed pastures. How quick
we hang undone.


.........and i never argue with you, darling. i don't fight battles i can't win.

.....tell eve i'll pick her up at 8.

 

[Angeline]

yes i do too......sometimes.

just to show you,

the meat of blossomed pastures. I don't like "blossomed' because you really mean cows, not plants. Cows don't blossom. Don't argue.



i will change "blossomed" if you can show me cows here:


winter’s fast teeth, the grip hoist our lives
on ropes as from dark holds of ships
and hook in chilly lockers on chains
the meat of blossomed pastures. How quick
we hang undone.


.........and i never argue with you, darling. i don't fight battles i can't win.

.....tell eve i'll pick her up at 8.

It's implied by meat and pastures. They were cows once, damnit.

Anyway meat doesn't blossom either, unless yknow it's bad. blech.

Cmon honey, change it. I cursed for you.




Eve? Patrick will pick you up at 8. Apparently, I'm his social secretary.

 

[trendyredhead]

I've got comments coming too - just have had a hellacious week and haven't had a chance to get them posted. I printed everyone's entries and took them with me to meetings and scribbled notes - just need to transcribe my stuff to here. Probably tomorrow, as I'm too tired tonight to provide anything thought-provoking and profound.

Stay tuned......

 

[trendyredhead]

My thoughts....

echoes_s:
I'd change "beguiled" to "beguiling" and eliminate "closed" from the last line of that stanza.
I think your last 2 stanzas lose focus - I like the poem more without these two verses. However, I really like this:

the moon laughed
with maple trees

If you lose the last 2 stanzas, keep this for another poem. It's good stuff.


Trent_Dutch:
Hiaku is 5-7-5 for syllable count. Your 2nd line is 8 - to fix this, you might try:
When I was younger
I never missed a sunset.
Wake now at sunrise.

I also recommend losing the capital Y in younger.


sandspike:
In the "email and voice mail" poem, the only change i'd make is to correct "past" to "passed" - other than that, I couldn't fiddle with it w/o losing something important.

in the "Howard's" poem, I'd recommend the following changes:

cheese pizza and beer hold the egg
bud after bud and keg after keg

now they've moved across the street
still nuts to butts still feet on feet

I also think the last stanza loses focus, and it didn't give me the same clear images as the previous stanzas.


Angeline:
I wasn't sure about the line their restless bird flight into my oblivion. The poem didn't do much for me until you got to the last stanza - I LOVED the concrete detail it held, and wish you'd do more of that throughout.


Champagne1982:
The third stanza - about "maturity and menses" - just rung true with me. How sneaky it was!


Pat Carrington:
Here's what I loved about this poem:

gravity sideways
...plummet horizontal, whizzed toward
tombs...safes to sidewalks...

I also liked the contrast between the cold slabs of meat and the blossom-laden pastures from where it came.


bluerains
The line that sticks with me is:
memory carved out pieces of you
I just love this, all by itself. I can almost picture it on a scrap of an old letter, written by a woman to her lover half a world away.


sandj
There wasn't much here that spoke to me. It read more like prose than poetry, and just didn't do much for me.


BooMerengue
In your second line, change "its" to "it's" -- it's a contraction of "it is" so there should be an apostrophe.

I can also really relate to the
teen with all the angst inside,
who went along just for the ride,
not caring what was best.

That just really captured hunks of my early college years.


Impressive
This was interesting, a little more difficult for me to read. I don't have much to say, beyond I like "suffering" in place of "sufferance", and the phrases "I shed this shell" and "drench my soul" also stuck with me after I'd finished reading.


wildsweetone
I love the use of color in this poem. I could see lots of green (grass, mantis, sister in jade), lavender, red (ladybugs), white (daisy chain necklaces), and pink and red (rose-laden vista).

And as others have said, I love "mumble bees" -- this was just GREAT, intentional or not.


So that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

 

[BooMerengue]

Whew! I didn't think I was ever gonna get back here. Sorry for the delay. 5 kids with strep and the flu and one got it twice. But I'm home now.

Thanks so much for the response to this Challenge. You all did so well. I had a lot of trouble with the whole concept. But you guys came through terriffically!!

Imp so much has been said already about this poem. I'll just point out my favorite part. This verse spoke to me.

I stepped willingly,
eagerly,
into a parched landscape
dotted with the absolute tyranny of
expectations – places
unusual, uncomfortable, and distant.


Echoes, I'm glad to see you back. Your words make such beautiful pictures. This is perfect,

in my
mind.
the moon laughed
with maple trees,
mountain retreat,
autumn leaves,
coating brown,
faded-green grass,
overwhelmed by
kisses of cold


Ange, I could just change these street names and be back in my own childhood. I could see you on your bike, hair flying. So poignant.

I’d stay put, having turned the wheels
back far enough to fill their spokes
with Beatle cards and whistle
my bike down Hamilton Avenue,
left on D’Arcy and again to Hobart,
where simpler days parked
next door to Mrs. Kurtz’s daffodils,
against the brick wall of 528,
and a green bench with a rose trellis
that once whispered
Home.

Oh, Champ- this made me laugh! I sure do remember THAT day! Growing up was a real pain, somedays.

Like that time in school, when I
didn't know maturity and menses
lay in wait just at the beginning
of science class.
Glad it was the lady
substitute rather than doddering
Mister J. teaching physics
that day.

Pat. This made me so sad. I rembered my uncle and his Dad, who worked on the docks in Portland. They came from Ireland to a life that had to be just as hard here. Thanks for jogging those memories.

They passed in a rush, the long gone
men of docks and slaughterhouses. I
saw them shiver in tattered coats
and rag-wrapped hands, smoke curling
from coffee and Camels as they firmed
for work. I watched their shoulders shrug
in silence, their eyes betray indifference.
With backs straight and proud they were
propelled to graves.


Two from you, Spike! Good job! I like this...

thirty good years
now heartache and tears
missing the simpler days

and I love this!

the first bar in a dry county
man that night was something to see
cheese pizza and beer hold the egg
it was bud after bud keg after keg

WSO? I loved the whole thing. The colors are so vivid!

When self seeded grasses grew tall and wide, and
seed floating fairies bounced on the breeze;
When athletic green mantis preyed at dawn, and
mumble bees hovered near lavender spikes;
When butterflies trembled around full blown flowers, and
lady bugs landed modelling bright coloured cloaks;
When sparrows bathed, etching dust-filled whirlpools, and
a young girl sat on the grass in the shade,
making daisy chain necklaces for sister in jade;
When time traversed slow and occupations lacked vigour,
life’s Simpler Days flaunted a rose laden vista.

Trendy, I think this should be a song. It's so beautiful!

A nap in the morning and toys on the floor,
Afternoons in the sandbox and supper at four.
Milky sweet breath and ten pudgy fingers,
The scent of the baby-soft lotion that lingers.
These are simpler days.
Yes, these are simpler days.

Boo? Work, work, work!


Bluerains, I think this says it all

Drifting along intersections
cavorting upon time’s impermanence ,
an array of simple memories
take root in currents of today.


From play to work in such few lines... nice job, Trent!

When I was Younger,
Never did I miss sunset,
Wake now at sunrise.

This is eloquent, sandj. It speaks to me of the VietNam era so well. Thanks.

There were trees then, enough to fill a forest
or a lumberyard, and our days were numbered
endless as the sky (because we were too busy dying
to count or look up).

There is great work here!
Someone else make a challenge now.
Pick your favorite style, or form and a topic, and we'll all play again!

 

[wildsweetone]

Boo dear,

How am I meant to improve if you say nice things about what I write? lol
Thank you.

wso