Same Title Challenge

[Angeline]

Thank you for your kind notice. I'm not well known on the site at all, and I spend most of my time on The Playground when I do come here. I logged in and saw that Harry Hill had posted something here and followed him to this thread. I am very glad that I did.

I don't know anything about poetry, but what I am going to do is to read the poems again with your commentary in mind. I'll learn about 'form' this week by the time I'm done. It was through this method that I improved my story writing last year.

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. By form poems, I meant poems that are sonnets or the form I used, the glosa or any poem writing done according to a certain pattern, like meter or rhyme. Tzara's form poetry thread, which is a sticky thread here, is a good resource if you're interested.

Feel free to start threads or ask questions. This is a helpful and mostly friendly kinda place.

Does Mr. Chips post on the Playground anymore?

 

[HarryHill]

... saw that Harry Hill had posted something here and followed him ...

..
Must have made a bigger impression than I thought when I played with your Johari

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I just read through all the entries thus far and I am hard-pressed to pick favorites. There are things I love (and some I don't) about each poem (mine included). A few observations that are just my little old opinions so feel free to disagree.

I love that we have a fair representation of form poems. Mine and Tzara's, obviously, but UYS is writing some form I don't recognize (or she is just sticking to a meter from verse to verse). And butters' poem is a little form-like to me as she repeats questions across strophes.

Harry's and Tess's poems seem similar in that they both have a real stream-of-consciousness feel. Harry's tone feels more funny and irreverent (even jazzy!) and Tess's more wistful to me.

I love the way bronz uses enjambment. It gives his poem a really nice flow. I'm dying to change the line breaks though to make the rhyming softer. It's really lovely writing.

I am thrilled to see Mr. Dreamer posting as I've read and loved so many of his poems here over the years. Love how his poem suddenly moves in a different direction in the last two lines. It works so well.

And Cinner I don't know you (I don't think), but your poem is lovely and you are the only one who made the B-movie connection thus far. That line in your poem conjures the creature from the black lagoon and all those old movies. And you did it in one line!

Like I said hard to pick a fave.

UYS makes up her forms as she goes along remember the Annakey?

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Sugartits thinks we should do a gunfight next.

That'll larn me not to call her that.

 

[Angeline]

UYS makes up her forms as she goes along remember the Annakey?

I do.

I have Turco's Book of Forms but I was too lazy to look it up and the book isn't indexed right for that anyway. However I think it's natural for me, even with a form that doesn't specify meter, to choose a meter and stick close to it because it sounds better that way. If sound varies across lines, I want it to be because I chose that effect. I am not there all the time when I write, but I'm trying!

 

[hmmnmm]

came along too late for this one but I'm liking what I'm reading

 

[Cinner]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. By form poems, I meant poems that are sonnets or the form I used, the glosa or any poem writing done according to a certain pattern, like meter or rhyme. Tzara's form poetry thread, which is a sticky thread here, is a good resource if you're interested.

Feel free to start threads or ask questions. This is a helpful and mostly friendly kinda place.

Does Mr. Chips post on the Playground anymore?

Thank you! I appreciate the explanation and the invitation to stick around!

I haven't run into Mr Chips; at least not under that name.

 

[CharleyH]

What CH said.

hello sugartits!

ROFLOL. Hello, honey cunt! xo

I've been on Facebook for so long that I think a reply to a forum is direct and drops to the bottom. lol I forget this old school forum mess, but hey, Tess, I loved your poem and others that I didn't comment on, as well. Read them all, and wow! Impressed.

 

[butters]

Consider the sex-life of a mollusc
who one year is Charlie, then Flo
when the heat down below on the seabed
raises expectations to grow
a different appendage than last year,
while clinging spellbound to a rock,
is this sudden appearance a godsend
or does it come as one hell of a shock?

Whilst squirting his stuff out at random
does he watch Argonaut Octopi
with envy at sexual prowess
as a detached penis swims by?

So next time you tip back an Oyster
and it slips down your throat like a treat,
spare a thought for who you just swallowed,
last year was he Petra or Pete?

that opening line, annie it's not your everyday topic of conversation, but somehow i saw this as the N sitting across me from the dinner table in a restaurant, waving their beforked bit of mollusc at me and addressing this very question.

the whole kept me smiling, taught me something, and gave me a shudder at the texture of the oyster slipping down my . . . *gags*

 

[butters]

Nanoclams and Other Mollusks

Nanoclams and other Mollusks live between the tides
trapped in the margins where dry land rides
the ocean and holds us high above the world,
where we walk in the light and sleep curled
and entwined, safe and unaware of the truth,
nanoclams and other mollusks, since the youth
of this planet earth have been the glue and binder
that holds Earth together and without would find her
scattered across the galaxy and universe
leaving us to crawl in the debris, or worse.

i love this.

you use sound as the glue here, binding everything together to support your imagery. as much as anything else, though, i really appreciate the pacing you set, determining exactly the speed, pause and push of each phrase with your enjambement/line-breaks and and specific word-choices. i find this most noticeable in your first 5 lines; it was done so well that the end-rhymes melted away. really adroit writing, imo.

the second half wasn't executed with such flair, but only because it felt less smoothly constructed in places and had so very much to live up to.

my very favourite part:

Nanoclams and other Mollusks live between the tides
trapped in the margins where dry land rides
the ocean and holds us high above the world

you orchestrate the rise and fall, the speed of my voice as i speak these words. love love love it.

 

[butters]

Nano-Clams and other Molluscs

Inundo:

Oh snap, you freakin nano-clams,
pop and crackle, yeah.
Lay your nano-babble down, sweet and slimy.
Grimy annoying absolute absurdity,
are you real,
or just another Sabbath spoiler
masquerading as a mollusk?

Exant:

What'sa matter with mistress mollusc?
Initiate investigation,
she's gone limp'n loose,
derma's turned'a livid hue,
what's your problem, languorous Sue?

Your suckers pucker, pensive pouts,
echoed by your nano-clam;
has invertebrateness become such'a stone
that you would crave'a bone?

Decant:

So flow, you freakin nano clams,
take your silly hyphen too.
Crawl away you many mollusca,
snap, crackle, and pop into
the bottle from whense you came.

Sue, you can stay. Cocktail?

Harry, this is probably the most original play off the title with concept your idea flooding in, the 'what stands out', the careful pouring away of excess all wrapping around what you serve us up here.

adoring your 'lay your nano-babble down' - bowie-esque to my ear - and how you toy with this all like a plate full of dubious shellfish ideas. not a sunday spoiler, and nice twist with 'take your silly hyphen too'.

whence

just sayin' (unless that is a more inebriated invertebrated version, lol)

 

[butters]

Nano Clams And Other Molluscs
(A Glosa)

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
To talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings."
-Lewis Carroll, The Walrus and the Carpenter

The time has come," the Walrus said
to wash into the brine,
cast away earthly delights,
fleshy limbs and spine
and live among the quiet deeps.
Yes. It might be fine

to talk of many things
but think on losing speech!
On touch undone, nacreous, beslimed,
all words beyond my reach,
and even reach beyond my ken?
We declaimed on the beach

of shoes and ships and sealing-wax
of meadows and of foam
that courses here so close by us
and so far from my home.
"His house has many mansions,"
so the walrus did intone

Of cabbages and kings
of life below a reef
a mantle there but not a hearth
a foot, a head, no teeth,
grit that may in time bear pearl,
the watery relief

and why the sea is boiling hot
or why the sky is green,
the several ways the ocean wins,
the triumph of saline.
Oh his persuasion wearied me.
I longed to be made clean.

Hence I've come to slow and drift
to sink, see what it brings,
sense light filter through the murk,
know when a dolphin sings,
never worry past the sand
and whether pigs have wings.

kudos for the glosa, first of all! a poetic jigsaw with all pieces neatly slotted in to make the right picture.

what's not to like? nuthin'.

best bits for me:

to wash into the brine,
cast away earthly delights,
fleshy limbs and spine

very visceral, and a sort of glutinous, shiny-sliminess bolstered by the following phrase

nacreous, beslimed,

of foam
that courses here so close by us
and so far from my home

wistfulness

a mantle there but not a hearth
a foot, a head, no teeth,

educational and funny little play on words

the triumph of saline.

yum

come to slow and drift
to sink, see what it brings,
sense light filter through the murk

just . . . ahhhh, that wonderful sense of settling, an opting out of the stressful environment, a contentment

no point at all in worrying whether or not pigs have, or will imminently sprout, wings.

 

[butters]

In shallow pools,
low tide exposed,
on rocks in gardens
seaweed sowed lurk
molluscs
often overlooked
for speedier folk like
shrimp or crab
escaping sideways,
weapon ready just in case.
Clustered tiny mussel-squatters
shouldering on an empty shell
that suddenly declares another lodger
scrambling, claws first, into view.
Whelks and winkles, clammy cousins
bearing very different armour,
bustle slowly barnacle-bound.
A nano-ocean, crèche for young,
exposed and seeking safety.
Wade warily, don't mess with the
molluscs.​

your last line, tess, works as this one's title for me. yo! don't mess with the molluscs!

anyway, that aside, nice use of sound throughout your opening lines - like bronze, you dictate the rise and fall of the voice imitating (to an extent) and rounding out the notion of the tidal motion.

love your fresh phrasing and vivid imagery here:

Clustered tiny mussel-squatters
shouldering on an empty shell

and here

nano-ocean

.

 

[butters]

Weaving fibers even other machines could not see
the nano-clam works tirelessly on the ocean floor,
tethering the new deep sea drilling machine
with diamond filament that shimmers like gossamer.
Other molluscs sneer in their toothless manner,
wondering why he spits when they swallow.

this is very clever, contained and original writing, darkerdreamer. very . . . focused. there's a great sense of deep, silent, uninterrupted intention, a mechanical/bio blending.

 

[butters]

Nano-Clams and Other Molluscs

From clam or oyster, cell-sized seedling
First drifts to silt on ocean's floor
And there it burrows, needful, needling
Betwixt some rocks. It leaves no spoor
For predators who might be lunching,
And grows a shell to escape crunching
By random sea star or clawed crab,
The both of which would love to grab
Our little bivalve, who's quite meaty
(And tasty too!) and make an end
Of our shy, mild molluscan friend.
'Twould be a pity—he's a sweetie—
But if these shellfish have to die,
They're best when breaded and deep fried.

informative, wry, and enjoyed your imagery. especially liked your use of 'needling'. this might not be 'deep' but it's a tasty little morsel.

 

[butters]

Gliding in their personal ooze,
Haemocyanin fuelled.
Monsters of myth
and old television shows:
squid and octopuses;
cuttlefish, limpets and slugs,
haunting young children’s dreams.

Spineless rabble of Poseidon’s kingdom;
innumerably prolific,
gastronomic delights,
revolting, elusive aphrodisiacs:
snails and mussels;
nano-clams, oysters and scallops,
feeding grown men’s desires.

thanks for getting me to look up haemocyanin - another thing i've learned through this challenge

like how you move this from childhood fears to adult desires; interesting idea that they can be one and the same.

especially liked your phrase

Spineless rabble of Poseidon’s kingdom

 

[butters]

And butters' poem is a little form-like to me as she repeats questions across strophes.

quatrain, envelope stanza, abba, iambic tetrameter

kinda sorta

but i had to go look it up to see for you.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Nano-Clams and other Molluscs

Inundo:

Oh snap, you freakin nano-clams,
pop and crackle, yeah.
Lay your nano-babble down, sweet and slimy.
Grimy annoying absolute absurdity,
are you real,
or just another Sabbath spoiler
masquerading as a mollusk?

Exant:

What'sa matter with mistress mollusc?
Initiate investigation,
she's gone limp'n loose,
derma's turned'a livid hue,
what's your problem, languorous Sue?

Your suckers pucker, pensive pouts,
echoed by your nano-clam;
has invertebrateness become such'a stone
that you would crave'a bone?

Decant:

So flow, you freakin nano clams,
take your silly hyphen too.
Crawl away you many mollusca,
snap, crackle, and pop into
the bottle from whense you came.

Sue, you can stay. Cocktail?

I have to ask .......... am I the only one thinking Rabbie Burns?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Sugartits thinks we should do a gunfight next.

sugartits has already dragged me kicking and screaming through two gunfights, don't know if my nerves could stand it again ........... lol had to do a quick edit on this I originally typed GINFIGHTS!

 

[HarryHill]

I have to ask .......... am I the only one thinking Rabbie Burns?

You must be. Subsequent posts will disprove any similarity.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You must be. Subsequent posts will disprove any similarity.

You don't want to write like Burns?

 

[HarryHill]

You don't want to write like Burns?

Should I? I'm having a hard time writing like Harry without worrying about wee nano-mousies. Perhaps that should be the next STC...
..
Nano-Mousies and other Wee Creatures

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Should I? I'm having a hard time writing like Harry without worrying about wee nano-mousies. Perhaps that should be the next STC...
..
Nano-Mousies and other Wee Creatures

shhhhhhhhhhhhh hush your mouth!!

 

[hornyrajni]

huh???

what in the world are nano clams???

 

[UnderYourSpell]

what in the world are nano clams???

Shellfish