nicecthulhu
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2011
- Posts
- 190
I read chapters 1 and 2
Hello. Here's my two cents. Please remember that I'm no expert!
First off, the link to chapter 2 didn't work. I went to chapter 3, then used that to get to chapter 2.
Okay, for a first-time story I'm impressed. Pretty good. The fact that English is not your native tongue...I have to say I'm envious about your ability to write in my native tongue.
I agree with some of the previous posters regarding numbers. That is, numbers work better when introduced to the story casually - such as in a conversation. The A.I.'s use of numbers regarding medication fit well. The brief discussion of 600 kps (?) and a trip of 42 minutes as narration seemed a little forced, at least to me.
I think a lot of good SF authors either have a character describe the physics (velocity, method of propulsion, effects or non-effects of forces, etc.) as part of the story, or leave it out. The duration of the trip matters to the character so it stays in. The speed doesn't matter, unless you as the author give it a reason to matter ("Remember you're coming up on that thing at 600 kps so give yourself plenty of time to slow down!" his uncle warns him).
You can choose to put all the math into the story, and some of my favourite authors have in theirs, but there's a fine balance between providing information and throwing numbers at the reader.
Tenses tended to vary between past and present, at least in chapter 1. There were some other things that a second pair of eyes could help you with.
You did a good job on jumping into the story, and drawing the reader into the tale. From what I've read, you aren't putting a lot of filler in - so the plot moves at a good pace.
One criticism I have is the lack of atmosphere (no pun intended...well, maybe just a little). The science is there, so the reader definitely knows it's science fiction, however you're not really describing the actual physical environment around the character.
Is the ship clean and well-organized, or old and cluttered? You mentioned dust not falling onto anything because there's no gravity (I would argue that static electricity might draw dust to surfaces in zero g, particularly electronic ones), but is the ship dusty? The ship's big (as seen from a km away?), but is it pockmarked with the past impacts of various human and natural space debris? Is the ship new, or old and barely held together? Are we talking 2001 a Space Odyssey, or Firefly? Space 1999, or The Starlost? And what about the space suits? Or the women's fashions on Luna? That would seem to be an inane questions, but it would effect the physics of bouncing which as a guy... And what are the people on the ship wearing? I think the protoganist might be particularly sensitive to what Hannah (and other females) was wearing.
You're getting a lot right, but I think you might be concentrating so much on getting the physics correct that I'm not getting a good feel for the reality of the story. I think most of us won't check your numbers (too lazy!), but for those few who do you'd better make sure they're right!
As I said: just my two cents. I likely won't have time to read any of the other chapters, although it is an easy read (meaning I didn't have to force myself through it). Hope this helps and best of luck!
Hello. Here's my two cents. Please remember that I'm no expert!
First off, the link to chapter 2 didn't work. I went to chapter 3, then used that to get to chapter 2.
Okay, for a first-time story I'm impressed. Pretty good. The fact that English is not your native tongue...I have to say I'm envious about your ability to write in my native tongue.
I agree with some of the previous posters regarding numbers. That is, numbers work better when introduced to the story casually - such as in a conversation. The A.I.'s use of numbers regarding medication fit well. The brief discussion of 600 kps (?) and a trip of 42 minutes as narration seemed a little forced, at least to me.
I think a lot of good SF authors either have a character describe the physics (velocity, method of propulsion, effects or non-effects of forces, etc.) as part of the story, or leave it out. The duration of the trip matters to the character so it stays in. The speed doesn't matter, unless you as the author give it a reason to matter ("Remember you're coming up on that thing at 600 kps so give yourself plenty of time to slow down!" his uncle warns him).
You can choose to put all the math into the story, and some of my favourite authors have in theirs, but there's a fine balance between providing information and throwing numbers at the reader.
Tenses tended to vary between past and present, at least in chapter 1. There were some other things that a second pair of eyes could help you with.
You did a good job on jumping into the story, and drawing the reader into the tale. From what I've read, you aren't putting a lot of filler in - so the plot moves at a good pace.
One criticism I have is the lack of atmosphere (no pun intended...well, maybe just a little). The science is there, so the reader definitely knows it's science fiction, however you're not really describing the actual physical environment around the character.
Is the ship clean and well-organized, or old and cluttered? You mentioned dust not falling onto anything because there's no gravity (I would argue that static electricity might draw dust to surfaces in zero g, particularly electronic ones), but is the ship dusty? The ship's big (as seen from a km away?), but is it pockmarked with the past impacts of various human and natural space debris? Is the ship new, or old and barely held together? Are we talking 2001 a Space Odyssey, or Firefly? Space 1999, or The Starlost? And what about the space suits? Or the women's fashions on Luna? That would seem to be an inane questions, but it would effect the physics of bouncing which as a guy... And what are the people on the ship wearing? I think the protoganist might be particularly sensitive to what Hannah (and other females) was wearing.
You're getting a lot right, but I think you might be concentrating so much on getting the physics correct that I'm not getting a good feel for the reality of the story. I think most of us won't check your numbers (too lazy!), but for those few who do you'd better make sure they're right!
As I said: just my two cents. I likely won't have time to read any of the other chapters, although it is an easy read (meaning I didn't have to force myself through it). Hope this helps and best of luck!
(I know it's a myth but still.)
