Serious question for subs.

[razorsedge]

I know that all of you won't be able to help me with this, but statistically speaking, I know that some of you can.

If you were abused in the past, how do you separate yourself from those memories and what's happening in the present?
Sometimes, I can tell if I'm not in the right mindset to play. And Master is so patient with me during those times. But other times, I can feel totally fine and be way off into it, and then freak the fuck out. The other day, I could barely breathe I was freaking out so badly. It makes me feel like a failure.

Can anyone relate? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

I can relate. For years, I couldn't stand to be touched, although I let them do it anyway.(Isn't it funny how once you've been broken in, some guys can just smell the weakness and fear on you? Like a pheremone that screams "Corner me away from witnesses") And now I'm a total nympho, having a guy on top of me doesn't incite panic anymore, just anticipation.

All the things I wanted to say were covered in previous posts, but I just wanted to give you an e-hug. Give it time, hon, eventually playtime with Master will be all fine all the time.

 

[TeachMeSir]

I remember some details and I forget others. It went on for almost 7 years and I don't know how I have manged to sort of block it form my mind. As I don't have a clear memory, I don't know if there are any triggers that will arise. I guess that I just need to be open if they come up and "safeword".

I do know this, when it happened it was because he "loved me" and that was how he thought he should show it. I know now that this is a pile of crap, in fact I think I knew then but I was trying to protect poeple. The thing is, I know that at no time when there was interference did he hold me physically close. In all my relationships, bieng close has been an issue. I either need a lot of space until I trust a person or I am clingy and need to know at all times that I am held close. Even if not physically, at least reminded that I am held close to the heart.

ETA: I also have a recurring nightmare - I've been having it for almost as long as I can remember. It evolves at times, and sometimes there is one that is a little more relevant in terms of content. The point is that anybody I am intimate with for a while sooner or later wakes to me hitting him, either in anger, or trying to escape.