Sex and BDSM...without the intercourse

[dazed_11]

Ah, I appreciate how many people have chimed in. I don't have time to quote everyone, and really I would be repeating myself anyway. Everyone has been so helpful, THANK YOU. I can't believe I was so embarrassed to mention it, especially on here. I've really have felt like it's the end of the world, and as dramatic as that sounds I think you guys understand why. My introduction to the thing everybody raves about...wasn't what I expected.

Well I'm still emotionally and mentally off, I put so much pressure on myself to "get there" or perform that I don't even want to be touched sometimes...it's like the way my brain has reacted to all this is even worse than the original problem! But this is so great, I'm not as alone as I thought and I'm confident there are things I can do. Sure, I'd like to have PIV sex, but I certainly don't need to spend every day in misery.

May I ask, is this your first sexual relationship, or, have you experienced this with other partners as well? Can you have an orgasm, either by yourself, or with your partner, from clitoral stimulation?

No, just the one. Again, a reason I'm pretty inexperienced! Would have been nice if I'd figured it all out sooner, but I wouldn't change it. *sigh* It really is more me pushing him away in this. I think he'd be happier with someone else...yeah we've had ups and downs with it, we've both gotten angry at times but that's understandable. Anyway, maybe I can work this out, maybe not. But I'm not giving up on fixing myself.

I can get to orgasm with a vib, but thats it anymore. I went months where I couldn't at all, my body despised any stimulation there, so I'm happy for even that at this point. And some of you have mentioned orgal....I actually haven't liked it in the past, but I think that's because of the guilt. I feel bad he's doing it just for me and not getting sex in return. I know, twisted way of thinking, I'm just telling you the way my brain handles it. I just could never believe that a guy could actually LIKE that! (Can you tell I'm making it more complicated than it needs to be lol)

Those of you that have mentioned having this problem before, and understanding the feeling of not wanting much sex at all anymore because of the situation....I'm assuming you got over it? Will it just take time? That feeling of being touched and not feeling much...does everyone feel that way sometimes?

 

[Bert_Fegg]

Listen to these people. They're not talking shit

Well - Betty was maybe a little uncharitable, but sometimes it's hard to remember that wise words on a BBS doesn't mean an instant fix in the real world. Anyway I'm glad you're still plugging away. One step at a time. You'll get there, or far away from here anyway...

You mentioned once about post-scene cuddles in BDSM. Here's a lovely story that has lots of them. It's a slow starter, but well worth your time

Be kind to yourself

 

[Endless_Night]

Very glad to hear you're feeling a little better about your situation.

A couple of things to consider:

< I think he'd be happier with someone else. >

I get where you're coming from, but isn't he probably the best judge of that?

< And some of you have mentioned oral....I actually haven't liked it in the past, but I think that's because of the guilt. bad he's doing it just for me and not getting sex in return >

Not being quick to orgasm I use to feel exactly the same way. It took me forever to realize some guys really LIKE to give oral.

That feeling of being touched and not feeling much...does everyone feel that way sometimes?

That is just a given, and dependent on lots of factors: what's going on in your life, health, stress levels. Sometimes sex is just going to be low on your list of things to do. And other times its all you can think about. Pretty normal!

 

[free2bebiFL]

Dazed, you are no less of a woman for this. Same goes for women who cannot have children, or have to have hysterectomies, mastectomies, etc. You have a medical condition, and you are working on fixing it. For now, just use it as a stepping stone into learning all of the other ways two people can love each other.

I agree with the no penetration at all suggestion at the moment. As for anal, if the person you are with has no desire to engage in anal sex, they are not going to be gentle enough to prepare you for any of it. Honestly, vaginal sex is the most boring of them all for me. I prefer oral over them any day of the week.

I think half the fun of being with women is just enjoying their body. Learning every single little part that makes her moan. I rarely hit that entire pelvic region until we get to the "jello" stage. Foreplay should be the most important part a sexual relationship in my world. The more relaxed your partner is, they better it is for both of you. I, myself, tend to orgasm a whole lot faster when I am in an endorphin bliss myself. Your partner may actually enjoy all of the extra "work" to bring you over that edge.

As for the BDSM part. I happened to have met an amazing Dom recently. Where is he? Why half a world away of course! ;-) While intercourse is impossible, it's the D/s dynamic that I needed vs. intercourse. Anyway, just wanted to wish you luck and offer a sounding board if you needed one.

 

[pplwatching]

Not being quick to orgasm I use to feel exactly the same way. It took me forever to realize some guys really LIKE to give oral.

My wife doesn't usually orgasm from oral sex. In fact, for probably the first 15 years of our marriage I don't think that she ever did. At first it bothered her that I was spending so much time and, from her perspective, not getting any results. The thing is, her view and mine were completely different. "Like" doesn't even begin to describe it for me. From my perspective, here's why you can believe him if your husband is telling you that he likes it. Giving oral sex to my wife is a sensual drug for all of my senses. Maybe explaining it from one man's perspective will help you understand your husband's perspective.

Sight ... there's the obvious erotic thrill of having her sex close up and personal, but it goes way beyond that. Her labia change color and swell as she becomes more aroused. They glisten with her moisture and mine. They become an adorable shade of pink and purple and swell. I love watching her betray her need as she slips her fingers down to stroke her clit along with my attention or presses herself roughly against me. The way that her hips and tummy softly move and eventually tense and release.

Touch ... Her body has so many textures. Her tummy is soft. Her pubic hair is a bit coarse against my face. My hands can roam while my tongue is busy. I can reach up and feel the softness of her breasts. The folds of her labia feel exquisite when she's wet and swolen. Her moisture under my fingers as I trace her labia and clit feels amazeing. That doesn't even include feeling her hands in my hair or her fingers scratching my back and nipples.

Hearing ... I listen to her breathing change and become more sexually charged with barely audible moans. I can hear the soft wetness of my tongue in her, and her own dampness as I open up her flower. I even hear the bedsheets ruffle as her hands grip them.

Taste ... my wife's lubrication has a very delicate taste that changes with her arousal. It's barely perceptable when she's getting warmed up. Sometimes she tastes of coffee. Sometimes she tastes of garlic. She always tastes of sex. When I draw her lubrication out from inside of her it has a different taste and feels different on my tongue. Sometimes it's a like slippery silk. Sometimes it's actually more like water. She tastes different after I've been inside of her.

Smell ... I adore the smell of sex. It's not subtle when it's in my face. On my face. Her scent changes as she becomes more aroused.

Every position changes everything. Sometimes she's on her back. The view when she's on her knees with her face in a pillow is different and uniquely erotic. Oral sex can be interactive and involve both of us. When she's sitting on my face and grinding herself over my mouth and nose is the most intensely intimate, erotic, and emotional experience. If she's facing me she can grab my hair and press me into her sex. When she's facing away she can stroke, suck, scratch, and tease.

Time doesn't matter to me. It sometimes takes a long time for her to warm up. Sometimes she's eager when I'm slipping her panties off. Sometimes she's being a good sport even if she's not really feeling it. So, yes, it's not only possible that a lover can enjoy giving oral sex but they can also be passionate about it. I don't know where your husband is in the spectrum, but then you can ask him. I finally got my wife to realize how intense it is for me by talking her through it while doting on her orally. Ask your husband to do the same.

I know that's a lot of TMI from a stranger, but it's my perspective. Some guys don't like it, but your husband says that he does. Maybe he's totally into it like I am, or maybe he just likes it but it isn't a cosmic exprience for him. Ask him, and believe him.

 

[pplwatching]

I think half the fun of being with women is just enjoying their body. Learning every single little part that makes her moan. I rarely hit that entire pelvic region until we get to the "jello" stage. Foreplay should be the most important part a sexual relationship in my world. The more relaxed your partner is, they better it is for both of you.

I wish I understood foreplay when I first started having sex (mid twenties, for the record). Now I want foreplay to last as long as humanly possible. Inhumanly is good too. We men aren't born understanding how to draw out that exquisite craving, or undstanding that it feeds the fire. Marriage is a commitment to discovery and growth. You will have to help him discover what you like as you discover it for yourself.

 

[Stella_Omega]

My wife doesn't usually orgasm from oral sex. In fact, for probably the first 15 years of our marriage I don't think that she ever did. At first it bothered her that I was spending so much time and, from her perspective, not getting any results. The thing is, her view and mine were completely different. "Like" doesn't even begin to describe it for me. From my perspective, here's why you can believe him if your husband is telling you that he likes it. Giving oral sex to my wife is a sensual drug for all of my senses. Maybe explaining it from one man's perspective will help you understand your husband's perspective.

Sight ... there's the obvious erotic thrill of having her sex close up and personal, but it goes way beyond that. Her labia change color and swell as she becomes more aroused. They glisten with her moisture and mine. They become an adorable shade of pink and purple and swell. I love watching her betray her need as she slips her fingers down to stroke her clit along with my attention or presses herself roughly against me. The way that her hips and tummy softly move and eventually tense and release.

Touch ... Her body has so many textures. Her tummy is soft. Her pubic hair is a bit coarse against my face. My hands can roam while my tongue is busy. I can reach up and feel the softness of her breasts. The folds of her labia feel exquisite when she's wet and swolen. Her moisture under my fingers as I trace her labia and clit feels amazeing. That doesn't even include feeling her hands in my hair or her fingers scratching my back and nipples.

Hearing ... I listen to her breathing change and become more sexually charged with barely audible moans. I can hear the soft wetness of my tongue in her, and her own dampness as I open up her flower. I even hear the bedsheets ruffle as her hands grip them.

Taste ... my wife's lubrication has a very delicate taste that changes with her arousal. It's barely perceptable when she's getting warmed up. Sometimes she tastes of coffee. Sometimes she tastes of garlic. She always tastes of sex. When I draw her lubrication out from inside of her it has a different taste and feels different on my tongue. Sometimes it's a like slippery silk. Sometimes it's actually more like water. She tastes different after I've been inside of her.

Smell ... I adore the smell of sex. It's not subtle when it's in my face. On my face. Her scent changes as she becomes more aroused.

Every position changes everything. Sometimes she's on her back. The view when she's on her knees with her face in a pillow is different and uniquely erotic. Oral sex can be interactive and involve both of us. When she's sitting on my face and grinding herself over my mouth and nose is the most intensely intimate, erotic, and emotional experience. If she's facing me she can grab my hair and press me into her sex. When she's facing away she can stroke, suck, scratch, and tease.

Time doesn't matter to me. It sometimes takes a long time for her to warm up. Sometimes she's eager when I'm slipping her panties off. Sometimes she's being a good sport even if she's not really feeling it. So, yes, it's not only possible that a lover can enjoy giving oral sex but they can also be passionate about it. I don't know where your husband is in the spectrum, but then you can ask him. I finally got my wife to realize how intense it is for me by talking her through it while doting on her orally. Ask your husband to do the same.

I know that's a lot of TMI from a stranger, but it's my perspective. Some guys don't like it, but your husband says that he does. Maybe he's totally into it like I am, or maybe he just likes it but it isn't a cosmic exprience for him. Ask him, and believe him.

Dude. There is never enough information like this. Thank you.

If this is over 750 words, you ought to submit it to the stories section-- the 'how to' I guess.

 

[Endless_Night]

Dude. There is never enough information like this. Thank you.

If this is over 750 words, you ought to submit it to the stories section-- the 'how to' I guess.

Wow.... I so agree. Thank you, pplw.

I've asked my SO why he likes to give oral at least 100 times. All he ever says is, "I don't know. I just do."

Don't get me wrong, great information, but not exactly enlightening.

 

[pplwatching]

Thank you, ladies. Yeah, "I just do" pretty much sums it up. To be completely honest I could have easily gone on (and on) but I didn't want to seem like I'm obsessed or anything

OP, you have found a very unique community to lean on for support. I don't post here much. My wife and I only dabble in this world of fun, but maybe we'll get there someday. My experience is that people in this board in particular will answer your questions, but don't tolerate fools or people who refuse to help themselves. Sometimes that leads to knee-jerk reactions, but the community wouldn't be what it is without every post.

I think that you know that you own this challenge, even if you don't know what to do or where to go from here. Facing things is a big part of healing yourself, your sexuality, and your marriage if that's what you want. Please understand that your unique challenges don't make you less than an equal partner in your marriage, or future relationships if that's the road that you choose to walk. You are only damaged goods if you allow yourself to be.

Stella, I have always enjoyed your insight, unique perspective, and often very direct posts. I like the bow tie.

 

[Aphro]

Oh, pplwatching...I think I you!

That was really lovely.

 

[dazed_11]

*sigh* how the heck in like 3 days did this go from me feeling like I had a great excuse to leave him, to...well, not wanting to jump back in head first, but not throw everything away quite so easily either. I've been so angry, so sure I needed to be on my own, I had left and was ready to give it all up. I was done with my marriage, so much so that I just pushed it away and thought of myself as single, cause that's how I felt and was living :/ I was done and was selfish, but obviously knew I needed and could do something about it, which is why I posted!

I think a lot of talking needs to be done, and presenting some ideas from this thread and of course others. You guys gave me some GREAT insight, and I do believe I'll be reminding myself of that lovely post from pplw next time (or rather if?) we try oral. Hopefully I wont be so fidgety and nervous.

Thank you guys. I was tossing away something wonderful because I didn't see any other way...now the mountain seems like...well, still a mountain lol but one I can climb I know I sound dramatic, but if you knew the weight that's off my shoulders, if only for this weekend, you'd get why I was talking like this.

BUT it isn't over, I have a lot of work to do, but I'm glad that I have so many people that I'm pretty sure if I pmed you crying and needing help, you'd give it (even if it was in the form of kicking my butt for acting so dramatic about PIV being so important!) Haven't had that feeling in...well, ever in this situation. I'm still hesitant to go back with it being SO difficult of a road ahead, but...I won't let this be the reason things end, or that I feel the need to find someone else. Not this. It seems so stupid now. I'm just lucky after a long talk today, he's so open to it. And very open to trying the things you all have mentioned I think we have some fun shopping to do

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

That is so awesome!
Congrats!

 

[pplwatching]

I wish you nothing but the best. There will always be reasons to leave your marriage. It will always be difficult to know if they are the right reasons. Sometimes the reasons to stay are obvious. Other times, not so much and they only reveal themselves through introspection and self discovery. If you love the man, and want a future with him then that's a reason that you can keep in your pocket. George Burns once said (or is quoted to have said, anyway) that the secret to a happy marriage is never being in love at the same time. Our feelings and emotions ebb and flow in marriage.

Best of luck

 

[Endless_Night]

Really awesome, Dazed! Best of luck.

 

[KoPilot]

Yay!

And do feel free to come back if there's something else you need to get off your chest, too. Or, you know, stick around too.

 

[dazed_11]

Yay!

And do feel free to come back if there's something else you need to get off your chest, too. Or, you know, stick around too.

Haha definitely sticking around, especially now that I feel like a real adult thats doing adult things instead of someone from the outside looking in, wishing :/ besides, all this mess left my hubs very...nondominant by the end of it all, poor guy lost his confidence which was another issue. It put even more pressure on me, with my personality, when i had to initiate every single time and run the show. but thats another issue.Ill have to keep poking around the boards to see how i can get him back on top, grabbing the cuffs without me having to hint a thousand times haha okay I'm tired and giddy for once, i should just stop.....

 

[Stevesteveson]

But what I am posting for is a simple discussion. While mine is a problem that has affected me my whole life, this isn't always the case with dysp. Sometimes women experience it after having children or a surgery. So have you ever experienced this, or known someone who did? Statistics say that everyone knows at least THREE people with this issue....you just dont know it because they aren't open about it. I've met 4 in just a few years, and none of them are seeking treatment because they're married and dont really care, they are fed up after 1 dr told them they couldn't be fixed.

I refuse to accept that as an answer, but until then I would like to hear from others who might have heard of this. Or perhaps have some advice on how to deal with it, or...well, anything.

My wife has dyspareunia. Not as bad as you, but she has been trying to fix it for a long time and come up against similar issues. No one has told her it can't be fixed, but she has seen lots of doctors, gynocologists and a physiotherapist how specialises in sexual health. All of them were looking for a physical cause and when they couldn't fix it they gave up.

We are now seeing a sex therapist and it seems to be working. As long as you have ruled out all physical causes I highly recommend it. Just doing nothing or trying to work through it yourself will at best get nowhere or at worst may mean you get vaginismus, where you won't be able to have sex at all as you will just clamp up. This is also treatable, but you don't want to hard wire patterns in more than they were.

To answer your other question, yes there are many men who would be happy without any penetrative sex, but why limit yourself if it can be fixed (which it can)?

I have cut a load of other stuff from this post as it was rambling a bit, but if you want more info on psychosexual therapy please let me know. Fell free to PM me (as it seems to be off topic of this thread now) or post here (as it's your thread).

 

[dazed_11]

My wife has dyspareunia. Not as bad as you, but she has been trying to fix it for a long time and come up against similar issues. No one has told her it can't be fixed, but she has seen lots of doctors, gynocologists and a physiotherapist how specialises in sexual health. All of them were looking for a physical cause and when they couldn't fix it they gave up.

We are now seeing a sex therapist and it seems to be working. As long as you have ruled out all physical causes I highly recommend it. Just doing nothing or trying to work through it yourself will at best get nowhere or at worst may mean you get vaginismus, where you won't be able to have sex at all as you will just clamp up. This is also treatable, but you don't want to hard wire patterns in more than they were.

To answer your other question, yes there are many men who would be happy without any penetrative sex, but why limit yourself if it can be fixed (which it can)?

I have cut a load of other stuff from this post as it was rambling a bit, but if you want more info on psychosexual therapy please let me know. Fell free to PM me (as it seems to be off topic of this thread now) or post here (as it's your thread).

No no dont say that, it is definitely not off topic and you're not rambling. I still want to hear from people who are going thru this. With this being in the bdsm section maybe ill pm about the therapy, but glad to hear about your experiences.

Im stop glad to hear you two are taking steps together to work it out...I know my husband has wanted to quit looking for a fix many times, just because it makes me cry when a dr gives up on me.

As for me, mine is a physical problem. They figured out what it is (a super rare weird thing, and other symptoms popped up as time went on to point drs in right direction) but I wont know if it worked. Some medications and treatment take a looking time for the body to react apparently. But see I've been told my issue may be predominant...welcome to the world of nerves. But yes, seeing a sex therapist is next on my list. So glad its helped you! Im nervous she will blame my pain on past experience as a child and tell me the pain is all in my head like my gyno did (can u imagine? I was devastated!) But going cant hurt anything except my pocketbook it being helpful for you guys is very encouraging. Nobody has used the vaginismus word with me, but that doesn't mean I dont have it. Drs seriously seem lost on this, I feel like I need to be on House or something (except I'm not dying )

Also steve just for future reference, your pms are turned off in case u didn't know.

 

[Stevesteveson]

No no dont say that, it is definitely not off topic and you're not rambling. I still want to hear from people who are going thru this.

Ok. I know I can ramble and go off at a tangent sometimes

Im stop glad to hear you two are taking steps together to work it out...I know my husband has wanted to quit looking for a fix many times, just because it makes me cry when a dr gives up on me.

I hope you can both work through it together. It can be hard but you just need to be persistent, as I'm sure you know. Sounds like he wants to support you as best he can.

As for me, mine is a physical problem. They figured out what it is (a super rare weird thing, and other symptoms popped up as time went on to point drs in right direction) but I wont know if it worked. Some medications and treatment take a looking time for the body to react apparently. But see I've been told my issue may be predominant...welcome to the world of nerves.

Glad to see you have the start of an answer. Sorry if I missed you saying that before. There will probably be some psychological and relationship hang over from it for both of you, but if you can get the "main" issue sorted first, brilliant, and hopefully you will both be stronger for it. After 5 weeks of treatment we are already much stronger than we were.

But yes, seeing a sex therapist is next on my list. So glad its helped you! Im nervous she will blame my pain on past experience as a child and tell me the pain is all in my head like my gyno did (can u imagine? I was devastated!)

She won't. If they do and you are not happy walk away and find another. At the start of our treatment (after 4 hours getting to know us) all ours has said about possible reasons is "well it could be any number of things, but we will never know for sure". The reasons why were not important at all. She was quite clear blame doesn't help.

But going cant hurt anything except my pocketbook it being helpful for you guys is very encouraging. Nobody has used the vaginismus word with me, but that doesn't mean I dont have it.

Possibly, but IMO neither of them are very helpful. They are just words doctors use to sound clever, like "bronchitis" is Latin for inflammation (itis) of the bronchi. Same with meningitis or pneumonia. They tell you nothing about the illness any more than "my leg hurts" dose.

Drs seriously seem lost on this, I feel like I need to be on House or something (except I'm not dying )

You'll get there. You may just have to be the one to keep nagging people when you would hope the doctor would go off and do the work.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I've been following this thread since its inception; just didn't have anything to say that wouldn't have been, "Yeah, me too," so I kept my fingers rested for threads where I might add something (fairly) unique.

In response to this post, though, Dazed, HUZZAH! Despite your claims to have been ready to give up, *I* think your posting this thread was another attempt to find a reason NOT to give up, and I'm excited for you that you found some information and input that gave you the incentive to reach back out to him and try to develop a dialog that can save your relationship.

Good luck to you, and keep us up to date with your progress!

 

[pplwatching]

Despite your claims to have been ready to give up, *I* think your posting this thread was another attempt to find a reason NOT to give up.

OP, it's also important to know the difference between an excuse and a reason

 

[Endless_Night]

pplw, I just had my SO read your post on oral. He thought about it for a moment and said, "Yeah. Pretty much spot on."

Just thought I'd share.

My wife doesn't usually orgasm from oral sex. In fact, for probably the first 15 years of our marriage I don't think that she ever did. At first it bothered her that I was spending so much time and, from her perspective, not getting any results. The thing is, her view and mine were completely different. "Like" doesn't even begin to describe it for me. From my perspective, here's why you can believe him if your husband is telling you that he likes it. Giving oral sex to my wife is a sensual drug for all of my senses. Maybe explaining it from one man's perspective will help you understand your husband's perspective.

Sight ... there's the obvious erotic thrill of having her sex close up and personal, but it goes way beyond that. Her labia change color and swell as she becomes more aroused. They glisten with her moisture and mine. They become an adorable shade of pink and purple and swell. I love watching her betray her need as she slips her fingers down to stroke her clit along with my attention or presses herself roughly against me. The way that her hips and tummy softly move and eventually tense and release.

Touch ... Her body has so many textures. Her tummy is soft. Her pubic hair is a bit coarse against my face. My hands can roam while my tongue is busy. I can reach up and feel the softness of her breasts. The folds of her labia feel exquisite when she's wet and swolen. Her moisture under my fingers as I trace her labia and clit feels amazeing. That doesn't even include feeling her hands in my hair or her fingers scratching my back and nipples.

Hearing ... I listen to her breathing change and become more sexually charged with barely audible moans. I can hear the soft wetness of my tongue in her, and her own dampness as I open up her flower. I even hear the bedsheets ruffle as her hands grip them.

Taste ... my wife's lubrication has a very delicate taste that changes with her arousal. It's barely perceptable when she's getting warmed up. Sometimes she tastes of coffee. Sometimes she tastes of garlic. She always tastes of sex. When I draw her lubrication out from inside of her it has a different taste and feels different on my tongue. Sometimes it's a like slippery silk. Sometimes it's actually more like water. She tastes different after I've been inside of her.

Smell ... I adore the smell of sex. It's not subtle when it's in my face. On my face. Her scent changes as she becomes more aroused.

Every position changes everything. Sometimes she's on her back. The view when she's on her knees with her face in a pillow is different and uniquely erotic. Oral sex can be interactive and involve both of us. When she's sitting on my face and grinding herself over my mouth and nose is the most intensely intimate, erotic, and emotional experience. If she's facing me she can grab my hair and press me into her sex. When she's facing away she can stroke, suck, scratch, and tease.

Time doesn't matter to me. It sometimes takes a long time for her to warm up. Sometimes she's eager when I'm slipping her panties off. Sometimes she's being a good sport even if she's not really feeling it. So, yes, it's not only possible that a lover can enjoy giving oral sex but they can also be passionate about it. I don't know where your husband is in the spectrum, but then you can ask him. I finally got my wife to realize how intense it is for me by talking her through it while doting on her orally. Ask your husband to do the same.

I know that's a lot of TMI from a stranger, but it's my perspective. Some guys don't like it, but your husband says that he does. Maybe he's totally into it like I am, or maybe he just likes it but it isn't a cosmic exprience for him. Ask him, and believe him.

 

[pplwatching]

pplw, I just had my SO read your post on oral. He thought about it for a moment and said, "Yeah. Pretty much spot on."

Just thought I'd share.

Thanks. Now you ladies can relax and just enjoy without a worry

 

[fma20fma]

hi

the bdsm is not complete without anal sex after caning.