She wants to submit

[Etoile]

Clarifying terminiology is so important in non-spoken communications.
Ever notice how E-mail lacks nuance-your meaning can be totally misconstrued.

No apologies necessary! You are absolutely right that it can be hard to read tone of voice and intent in online interactions.

I find humiliation scenes to be possibly (for me) the peak of eroticism (i.e. Having the sub pee in a bowl-as suggested by Pan. earlier).
If that's not enjoyable to my partner then there is really no point.

Hmm. Two thoughts here. First, that is a way of life for me - when I am with my Daddy, I always pee in a big plastic cup. I am not allowed to use the toilet for peeing, only for other things, and sometimes then only if I've been given an enema. So if you want advice on having her pee into a cup or bowl, I have that in spades. First tips are that (1) it will probably take her a long time to reach this point - it was a long, long time before I could even pee in my cup while hiding behind a chair with my Daddy there. Even if I desperately had to go, I just couldn't do it...it's a tough thing to ask of someone until they're trained to it. (2) I wouldn't use a bowl, as there is likely to be a fair bit of splash - a tall plastic cup, like a 32oz cup, is better.

Also, you mention that if it's not enjoyable to her, there is no point. I think this is a key part of BDSM that you may not be clear on. The point of being a dominant is that you do things that are enjoyable to you. It's good if she likes them too, and if you NEVER do things she likes then the relationship won't last long...but you are the dominant, so you do things that YOU like. You're more than welcome to only do things you will BOTH like - but as a dominant, your mindset should be "if it's not enjoyable to ME, there is no point."

I consider the basis of a sexual relationship to be mutual sexual fullfillment.
As far as engaging in an activity because it is what I (alone) enjoy, or because it meets my needs (and only my needs) (please see my first post-Been there, done that, didn't feel too good about it in the long run).

Hmm. Well, if you didn't feel too good about it, perhaps you are a bit toppish but not really a dominant? It just seems like if you have had previous experience with this and didn't really like the way it made you feel, maybe you can just stick to some lightly kinky stuff. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think using a checklist is the absolute best thing for you to do, but I think you might both benefit from filling it out.

 

[fluiddrive]

"We have met the enemy and he is us"-Pogo

Following the advice of many I filled out a check list myself.
I can't wait for my paramour to get back from vacation (Monday-next) so we can exchange lists.
Prior to her leaving I told her to write me a steamy e-mail so I'd have something to think about while she was gone.
She wrote some romantic things then came to the "sex slave" (that's for you Etoile) part.
As I recall she said," I want you to order me around. Make me your sex slave. Tie me down and try different things on me. Punish me. Make me scream."

Needless to say I was instantly in a "Woodrow Wilson" state (Sproing).
We had some actual business to tie up (no pun intended) via e-mail, but eventually I wrote her back and said essentially," Really?"

She wrote back in 20 point type "REALLY".

So here I am very excited, checklist filled out.
On Monday (when she returns) we have to take a business trip together.
At lunch I plan on taking her to an adult bookstore to purchase her butt plug.

So here's the question: Should I make her pay for it (it seems like the dom thing to do-my vanilla side hates cheapness though i.e at least splitting the cost)?

 

[fluiddrive]

"Love is the drug"-Roxy Music

To each his/her own, but I thought that a main ingredient in submission; the Dom is pleased whether or not he grants his sub sexual satisfaction. Nothing excites me more than to please...regardless if my physical needs are satisfied. While I hope the Dom would allow my physical satisfaction, the ultimate is what pleases the Dom. My experience thus far is that I am well rewarded if he is satisfied, and wow, it has been incredible, whether or not I "get mine".[/QUOTE]

That's funny that's pretty much what she says most of the time as well.
"I want you to come".
"Come in my mouth".
"I want make you to come"...etc.

Lamour, lamour...it's so frickin' crazy.
I can't get enough.

 

[Etoile]

Whoa.

This is a co-worker? Total red flag for me. Yoinks.

 

[jadefirefly]

Whoa.

This is a co-worker? Total red flag for me. Yoinks.

From what I gather, they are military. Which extends one's co-worker base somewhat.

 

[Etoile]

From what I gather, they are military. Which extends one's co-worker base somewhat.

Ohhhh. I totally missed the military bit. Yeah, it does kinda, but if they have business to wrap up over e-mail, and they are going on a business trip together, then they are still co-workers. I suspect there are rules against fraternization, too.

fluiddrive, am I totally off-base? (har har)

 

[mdavid_1964]

Sounds Like A Good Place To Start

Since neither one of you has much experience in this area working from the list is an excellent way to start, but remember that she wants you to take charge and tell her what you need.

It sounds like she wants to put your pleasure first, and by talking about what you are going to do before and after you do it you will both have a better understanding of how each of you is getting satisfaction from the activities you choose to share. Letting her pleasure you is not being selfish as long as the act also brings her satisfaction which can be emotional, physical, or both.

Just take things slowly, build trust and respect, and try to develop a relationship that serves the needs of both of you.

David

 

[fluiddrive]

I'm not a real modo, I'm a Quasimodo

From what I gather, they are military. Which extends one's co-worker base somewhat.
__________________
Jadefirefly


Ohhhh. I totally missed the military bit.
_________________________________
Etoile

Actually we are in a Quasi-military organization.
There is a chain of command.
Some people where uniforms (we don't).
We work for a multi-location unit of Government.

I assume the "whoa" is about having an affair with a co-worker?
Is this a particular problem in BDSM?

We don't work in the same location (most days we are in different towns).
Both of us are (considered) experts in a certain aspect of our work, for that reason we are often thrown together.
That's how we met.

So if/when things go South that aspect of disengament shouldn't be too difficult.

 

[babiesmiles]

I'm not liking the housework aspects of that post at all!

It's not part of my BDSM!

SAFE WORD!!!! RED DAMN it RED!!!

Fury

I heartly agree with you Fury *hugs *

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I assume the "whoa" is about having an affair with a co-worker?
Is this a particular problem in BDSM? ...

It isn't a problem in BDSM, it's a problem in relationships in general.

My grandfather (wise man that he was) gave me some advice when I was a young lad, barely pubescenet and looking for that first-ever "real job", that I took to heart. This ol' boy has one hard, fast, iron-clad, set in stone, rule that has been in place since he punched his first time clock:

You do not play,
Where you get your pay.

Period.

I haven't broke that rule in 29 years of gainful employment. I will admit that I've been _tempted_ a couple of times, but it just isn't worth it to me.

I don't want to deal with accusations of sexual harrassment, favoritism, or nepotism, I don't want to be the butt of office gossip or jokes (nor would I want someone I gave a rat's ass about to be subjected to same), and I want time to be alone. I can't frickin' stand to have someone up my ass 24/7 without relief. At work I don't have to be "on" for my partner.

But my rules are only _MY_ rules. They don't apply to anyone else and if you're happy, she's happy, and the situation works for you (which it might since it does not appear that you actually work in close daily contact with one another), rock on!

 

[Etoile]

It isn't a problem in BDSM, it's a problem in relationships in general.

You do not play,
Where you get your pay.

Period.

This is how I feel, too. It has nothing to do with BDSM, I just think it's totally inadvisable in general. It sounds to me like you might be DoD civilians - you don't have to tell me if I'm right. (For the record, I am a full-time on-site DoD contractor.)

I think it's unwise to have relationships with people you work with. You might want to do some reading on that in addition to learning about BDSM. Some places to look are here, here (British), here, here (British but good advice), and here.

I'm not trying to say you shouldn't do it, but I do think you should at least know what you are getting into.