Show, don't tell. A tiny challenge.

[mildlyaroused]

I may be reading too much into it, but I took the "who's noticing?" in reference to the earrings as a clue that she might have put them on to look her best in front of him. It's worded in a very odd way, but there you are. That's the only reason I can imagine that clause exists, even if it really doesn't convey what (I'm guessing) it's trying to say. It also fits the context, in the fact that there is clearly an emotional or romantic undertone to the relationship between the two MCs (however skillfully set up).

 

[pink_silk_glove]

I may be reading too much into it, but I took the "who's noticing?" in reference to the earrings as a clue that she might have put them on to look her best in front of him. It's worded in a very odd way, but there you are. That's the only reason I can imagine that clause exists, even if it really doesn't convey what (I'm guessing) it's trying to say. It also fits the context, in the fact that there is clearly an emotional or romantic undertone to the relationship between the two MCs (however skillfully set up).

Maybe we find out later that Olivia Fuentes is missing a pair of pearl earrings. :0

 

[Thanatos_X13]

Coming back to this when I'm not at work. I wasn't going to do a rewrite, but it felt like a fun challenge. I don't know if this is better, per se, but it at least feels more exciting to me.

The moonlight glinted off the pearls adorning her earlobes, which hadn't been there during our run. When she turned back to me, her jaw was tight, eyes dark.

"I'm scared for you, Cal," she said, her voice low and raspy.

I mustered a smile and hid a shaking hand in my pocket.

"Don't be - I'm nobody," I responded.

"You're getting a lot closer than the police. Whoever killed poor Olivia is bound to notice, sooner or later."

"All I've done is uncovered a few facts. I'm not close to anything."

She reached out and clasped my hand in both of hers.

"Just be careful."

I watched her turn and walk away, clenching my dog's leash in a white-knuckled fist. My skin tingled where she'd touched me, but I reminded myself that I had a job to do. This wasn't the time.

The more I read the original passage, the more I feel like the worst thing isn't show or tell, it's the dialogue. There's no real back and forth action, no attack and defense. You could honestly leave all of the exposition as is, and just rewrite the dialogue to have more tension and it would hugely improve the scene.

As for the earrings, I agree with mildyaroused that it's supposed to indicate that she put them on for Cal's benefit, but it's kinda hard to pick up with the passage in isolation. To give the author some grace, I imagine it would come across better if we'd read the story up to this point.

 

[Bramblethorn]

They're outside. The other thing that pointing it out does is to set the scene as outside, at night.

Can't be certain without broader context, but if the scene has been running long enough for the reader to know who the protagonist is talking to here, they should probably already know that it's night.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Can't be certain without broader context, but if the scene has been running long enough for the reader to know who the protagonist is talking to here, they should probably already know that it's night.

Sure, but then the moonlight is a simple and effective immersive detail.

 

[XerXesXu]

Context.

That snippet occurs 187/344 pages in, at the end of Ch 28.

His dog is Archie. The girl, Zoe, is the niece, and temporary carer, of his next homestead neighbour who is recuperating after surgery. Zoe’s an academic psychologist, PhD 'n all, with a therapeutic ear. She wears pearl earrings which Cal has admired; he calls them 'her Vermeers' (had to google that).

Cal is a lawyer with a preference for building basalt block walls, a nice guy, sympathetic to the plight of illegal immigrants and Native Americans in the Sanctuary State of Oregon. Obama, Dream Act, ICE etc. About p 50 we’re told that Fuentes senior is a deserter from the Guadalajara Cartel, who are fanatics who will hunt down and kill any deserter AND their whole family. Olivia Fuentes, a sister of his employee, both illegal Mexican immigrants, died in his arms.

Zoe has insinuated her way into Cal’s investigation as a sounding board, under the guise that that the content of their discussions is covered by her obligation of professional confidentiality.

Around p100, we’re told that Cal's a distressed widower and it's still too early for him 'open up' to Zoe.

Earlier in Ch28, coincidentally, at the same time, they both set of for a run - that’s the sort of people they are - and run together. It’s a challenging run, more so for him than her. Zoe invites him over to cook dinner, he being an epicure ‘n all. He showers, goes over, cooks and they pass a pleasant evening discussing his investigation and its dangers, at the end of which she walks him to the garden gate. An owl hoots, she strains to see it, the snippet follows.



It’s a complex plot with a huge amount of immersive description of the setting. I can see why many people would find it an enjoyable read.

 

[AG31]

Context.

That snippet occurs 187/344 pages in, at the end of Ch 28.

His dog is Archie. The girl, Zoe, is the niece, and temporary carer, of his next homestead neighbour who is recuperating after surgery. Zoe’s an academic psychologist, PhD 'n all, with a therapeutic ear. She wears pearl earrings which Cal has admired; he calls them 'her Vermeers' (had to google that).

Cal is a lawyer with a preference for building basalt block walls, a nice guy, sympathetic to the plight of illegal immigrants and Native Americans in the Sanctuary State of Oregon. Obama, Dream Act, ICE etc. About p 50 we’re told that Fuentes senior is a deserter from the Guadalajara Cartel, who are fanatics who will hunt down and kill any deserter AND their whole family. Olivia Fuentes, a sister of his employee, both illegal Mexican immigrants, died in his arms.

Zoe has insinuated her way into Cal’s investigation as a sounding board, under the guise that that the content of their discussions is covered by her obligation of professional confidentiality.

Around p100, we’re told that Cal's a distressed widower and it's still too early for him 'open up' to Zoe.

Earlier in Ch28, coincidentally, at the same time, they both set of for a run - that’s the sort of people they are - and run together. It’s a challenging run, more so for him than her. Zoe invites him over to cook dinner, he being an epicure ‘n all. He showers, goes over, cooks and they pass a pleasant evening discussing his investigation and its dangers, at the end of which she walks him to the garden gate. An owl hoots, she strains to see it, the snippet follows.



It’s a complex plot with a huge amount of immersive description of the setting. I can see why many people would find it an enjoyable read.

I have enjoyed all his earlier ones, but it's been a while. I found myself skimming the second half. Thinking that what I was really enjoying was Archie the dog and Cal's cooking. I'm checking volume 3 out of the library to see if the style has changed significantly. In which case I'll suspect a ghost writer taking over for a retiring author.

 

[NotWise]

I have enjoyed all his earlier ones, but it's been a while. I found myself skimming the second half. Thinking that what I was really enjoying was Archie the dog and Cal's cooking. I'm checking volume 3 out of the library to see if the style has changed significantly. In which case I'll suspect a ghost writer taking over for a retiring author.

There's something else that might contribute to changes. His original publisher (Poison Pen Press) was bought by Sourcebooks in 2018, which is in the middle of the series. There may have been changes in editing and marketing of the stories.