Show, don't tell. A tiny challenge.

[mildlyaroused]

I may be reading too much into it, but I took the "who's noticing?" in reference to the earrings as a clue that she might have put them on to look her best in front of him. It's worded in a very odd way, but there you are. That's the only reason I can imagine that clause exists, even if it really doesn't convey what (I'm guessing) it's trying to say. It also fits the context, in the fact that there is clearly an emotional or romantic undertone to the relationship between the two MCs (however skillfully set up).

 

[pink_silk_glove]

I may be reading too much into it, but I took the "who's noticing?" in reference to the earrings as a clue that she might have put them on to look her best in front of him. It's worded in a very odd way, but there you are. That's the only reason I can imagine that clause exists, even if it really doesn't convey what (I'm guessing) it's trying to say. It also fits the context, in the fact that there is clearly an emotional or romantic undertone to the relationship between the two MCs (however skillfully set up).

Maybe we find out later that Olivia Fuentes is missing a pair of pearl earrings. :0

 

[Thanatos_X13]

Coming back to this when I'm not at work. I wasn't going to do a rewrite, but it felt like a fun challenge. I don't know if this is better, per se, but it at least feels more exciting to me.

The moonlight glinted off the pearls adorning her earlobes, which hadn't been there during our run. When she turned back to me, her jaw was tight, eyes dark.

"I'm scared for you, Cal," she said, her voice low and raspy.

I mustered a smile and hid a shaking hand in my pocket.

"Don't be - I'm nobody," I responded.

"You're getting a lot closer than the police. Whoever killed poor Olivia is bound to notice, sooner or later."

"All I've done is uncovered a few facts. I'm not close to anything."

She reached out and clasped my hand in both of hers.

"Just be careful."

I watched her turn and walk away, clenching my dog's leash in a white-knuckled fist. My skin tingled where she'd touched me, but I reminded myself that I had a job to do. This wasn't the time.

The more I read the original passage, the more I feel like the worst thing isn't show or tell, it's the dialogue. There's no real back and forth action, no attack and defense. You could honestly leave all of the exposition as is, and just rewrite the dialogue to have more tension and it would hugely improve the scene.

As for the earrings, I agree with mildyaroused that it's supposed to indicate that she put them on for Cal's benefit, but it's kinda hard to pick up with the passage in isolation. To give the author some grace, I imagine it would come across better if we'd read the story up to this point.

 

[Bramblethorn]

They're outside. The other thing that pointing it out does is to set the scene as outside, at night.

Can't be certain without broader context, but if the scene has been running long enough for the reader to know who the protagonist is talking to here, they should probably already know that it's night.