Shyness or Embarrassment...

[Auraka6669]

Well from where I sit you have two options.

A. Stop thinking. Just ramble. Let the words flow, you'll get your point across. There have been times I've used this technique when she wants to say something... but can't. Stop. Breath. Collect your thoughts. Let it loose and don't stop to think.

B. Forget about it. Don't even worry about it. Relax. Give it time. You'll get around to it when it feels right. Be that over dinner or while spooning... you'll be in a safe zone where you can express yourself. Whatever works for you two. Personally, I just sit and listen with my eyes closed. It's time for me to listen.

In short, if you want to do it. Stop umm... stopping yourself by over analyzing. Sure you may fumble up a few points, but you'll quickly correct them. Just make sure he knows what's going on. If it's something a bit harder. Take your time.

For what it's worth. Just stuff that I live by.

 

[PreggoHottie]

stopping yourself by over analyzing. Sure you may fumble up a few points, but you'll quickly correct them. Just make sure he knows what's going on. If it's something a bit harder. Take your time.

Yeah..I over analyze everything it seems....

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I was always told that "good girls," or "real women," don't feel the way I do, and that's hard to get past for me.

ACK..I know I'm in blabbering idiot mode...so i'll shut up now.

You are not in blabbering idiot mode. You are, in fact, making quite a bit of sense. Your own feelings of insecurity are making you judge your communication efforts far more harshly than any of us would.

How and what YOU feel is perfectly all right. You have been taught, as almost all of us have, that our sexuality is shameful, disgusting, dirty, perverse. The truth of the matter is that those people programming us with their repressed view of sexuality are the perverse ones.

Human beings were created sexual beings, and we each have our own needs and desires. But almost all of us are taught from the moment we are born that our naked bodies are shameful to look upon. Ever wonder why we have such distorted self images? Ding-ding-ding! Because we're taught that even looking at ourselves as we REALLY are is naughty, dirty... *sighs* How can we have a positive self-image when we can't bare to really LOOK at ourselves? ? ?

But we want and need to express ourselves, share who and what we really are inside. We try to find someone, anyone, who will accept and love us as we are, failings, weaknesses, warts, and all. And all the time feeling like we are not good enough, because we KNOW our failings. We LIVE with the weaknesses we suffer from. We see the warts and they are not tiny, they are mountains because of distorted self image.

We try to find community in places like Literotica, our Leather clubs, BDSM Munch groups... Because of this need to share, to be validated, to be accepted. And it's easier to open up our hearts a little in this anonymous electronic realm because we can hide our faces and our shame. You know the Catholics have a lot of insight on guilt and anonymity and confession... *grin* For some of us, Literotica is our "Kinky Confessional"...

PH, your feelings, your needs, your desires are your own, they are okay, and they are very human and understandable. In a perfect world, your SO would spend whatever time and energy it takes to work with you to overcome your shyness. Your SO would listen without judgement, they would be accepting, encouraging, supporting. Unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world, and we sit in fear of rejection, judgement, and ridicule.

Take things in small steps. Try journalling. Try making recordings. Write your feelings, needs and desires out in poetry. There are ways to share your deepest self. One sentence. Two. Five. A dozen. With a little practice you will find that it becomes easier to organize your thoughts, say what you feel. With validation, and support and rewards for your ongoing efforts from your SO, you will begin to associate open communication with GOOD feelings, and not fear.

A lot depends on how they treat your efforts. A snappy, short, sarcastic, biting reply can just reinforce the negative feelings and short circuit the whole process. It's a shot in the dark, but I wish you much luck. Hey, if all else fails, you can always bend our ears here. It's not the same, but it helps none-the-less!

 

[graceanne]

I tried to read everyone's answers but was getting irritated by litteroti, so if I repeat what anyone else said I apoligize.

I'm like you, in that I get embarrassed. What I find really helps is if the lights are out. I can talk about these things at night, after we go to bed a lot easier than in broad day.

 

[Little_Kitten]

Maybe you could write a letter to him? or maybe make a diary or something and then leave it open for him to "accidently" see? I dunno how well this would work as I've never done it... But it was just an idea that suddenly came to me.
Another thing you could do perhaps would be to tell him that you have things bottled up, and you can't really get them out cos you're too shy.. and then maybe leave it to him to find out what?

 

[liberatedslave]

We all sound like idiots in our own mind...because we are thinking about what we want in terms of what society will allow and what it will not allow.

If you feel that you want to recede into your vanilla life, and be happy with that, well...so be it. But if you want to get past that, then you have to be honest, not only with yourself but with your partner. Risk it.

You know, reading this thread I really wish that YOU were a bit more reticent. You read as patronizing and sarcastic. Unless that's your specific intention you should take your head out your ass long enough to proof read the tone of your posts.

 

[liberatedslave]

I'm still shy of vocalising what I want to my Sir. There are a few overlapping reasons for this.

1) I used to be religous and still have to fight the nagging sense of guilt and shame that I'm starting to think may never truloy leave me.

2) Part of me feels that I'm stepping out of my sub role if I ask for things or criticise my Sir in any way. I know this is a foolish sentiment because Sir may be the one in charge but he's not telepathic. Bottling stuff is a dereliction of my service to him because he can't make decisions on my behalf if he doesn't know how I really feel about things. Nevertheless it always feels forced and un-natural when I raise issues about our relationship or sex life or whatever.

3) During scenes Sir will sometimes ask me to beg for something and even though I really want whatever it is I really have to force myself to do it. It makes me feel so dirty (which bizzarely, I do love, I just can't vocalize it) but there seems to be a block in my head that makes it so hard. He knows it's difficult for me but will push me, telling me that my begging isn't good enough. I like that he does that because I want to improve and don't believe he should settle for sub-standard service from me.

4) Day to day if I'm asked my opinion on something I'll invariably reply by asking Sir what he wants. He finds this infuriating because it makes him feel I don't have a mind of my own. Usually I genuinely don't mind but I'm having to learn that if he asks my opinion that's exactly what he wants in response.

I can't really offer any easy solution except to say that I find writing easier than speaking and that I keep telling myself that I am my Sir's property and he has the right to know my thoughts and feelings about everything. I've had to learn that being honest isn't the same thing as manipulation or 'topping from the bottom' and that Sir expects to make decisions based on how we both truly feel. It is working and I hope you do find your voice, however it comes.

 

[Andraste]

4) Day to day if I'm asked my opinion on something I'll invariably reply by asking Sir what he wants. He finds this infuriating because it makes him feel I don't have a mind of my own. Usually I genuinely don't mind but I'm having to learn that if he asks my opinion that's exactly what he wants in response.

^^this bit had me in fits of giggles...the subby inability to make a choice.

you should see me & shy slave on our shopping trips...
"where shall we go next?"
"i don't know...where do you want to go?"
"i don't mind...wherever you like!"

or...
"where are we going?"
"i don't know, i was following you"
"oh...but i was following you..."

total hijack!

 

[liberatedslave]

^^this bit had me in fits of giggles...the subby inability to make a choice.

you should see me & shy slave on our shopping trips...
"where shall we go next?"
"i don't know...where do you want to go?"
"i don't mind...wherever you like!"

or...
"where are we going?"
"i don't know, i was following you"
"oh...but i was following you..."

I know, it's now at the point where voicing a suggestion feels unnatural! I don't hang out with any lifestylers myself though. *wistful sigh*

 

[Otherkorean]

How did you get past this when you were first starting out?

I am finding it very hard to vocalize my desires or what I want, because I think I sound like an idiot while doing so. I'm a fairly shy person in my day to day life, but I know I can't be in this situation if I want to be happy. i know a lot of it is fear...(because I don't want the other person to think I'm an idiot..) What I don't know is how to work through it.

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

I don't know if I'll be of much help, but I'm in the same / similar position that you are in. I am something of a flirt when I feel the situation is 'safe', but if I feel uncomfortable I back away and lose my voice.

Once I was chatting with a Dominant online (who I am still friends with) who gave me assignments and told me to write what I thought about them before, during (if possible) and after and post it in a place where He could read them. I was to also write anything that I felt like sharing, like erotic dreams or ideas or things I had tried on my own. It gave me a place to put the thoughts that I have always been taught that 'good girls' don't have.

 

[PreggoHottie]

I am something of a flirt when I feel the situation is 'safe'

Oh totally!!! I am a incredible flirt when the person is unattainable...as soon as the person begins to show an interest...I clam up and act like a giggly teenager...only I'm friggin 31 and it's not cute anymore.

 

[Auraka6669]

Yeah..I over analyze everything it seems....

Any progress on that? Or is my train of thought something that wouldn't work for you?

 

[PreggoHottie]

Any progress on that? Or is my train of thought something that wouldn't work for you?

The rambling is working a bit. As long as I don't get interrupted, it goes pretty well. And then I finish...blush a fierce shade of scarlet...and try to hide... but it's progress.

I'm trying, and the other person knows that...so I think it will all be ok.

 

[Auraka6669]

The rambling is working a bit. As long as I don't get interrupted, it goes pretty well. And then I finish...blush a fierce shade of scarlet...and try to hide... but it's progress.

I'm trying, and the other person knows that...so I think it will all be ok.

One of the reasons I said, make sure he knows what's going on. No interruptions. You can't expect anyone to let it flow... if you interrupt said flow.

Well I hope it keeps working for you. How's the communication afterwards?

 

[HottieMama]

Bumping because it might be helpful.

i totally forgot i started this thread under my old username.

 

[coyotesmile]

Bumping because it might be helpful.

i totally forgot i started this thread under my old username.

Thanks for it

I have no experience with a Dom yet but this was something I thought about too. I decided that if I was going to pursue this and explore I'd better try and be as open and honest as possible! But it is hard for me to express myself if I'm afraid of upsetting someone, especially someone important to me. I know that's something that I will have to stop in order for this to be a fulfilling experience for me and whoever I become involved with.

But I really found some solace in the replies here

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I've been married to Daddy 19 years and I STILL have difficulties telling him verbally exactly what I want sexually at times. However when it comes to typing it out in an instant message with him, email to him or story for him then that is a whole nuther matter all together. I can express myself with ease then.

I think part of the reason is because I have time to think about what I want to say, and how I want to say it. I can phrase things the best way possible. Make it sound ubber sexy, instead of ubber idiotic. I have time to think of how to explain what it is I'm talking about to the fullest, instead of on the fly. Which I don't always do very well.

Daddy still likes to make me actually talk to him, I think he enjoys seeing me struggle with it. Although I am getting better at it with practice, so be encouraged, there is hope.

I hope that all made some sense to you and helped at least a little bit. Sorry if I rambled there. LOL.

 

[HottieMama]

Make it sound ubber sexy, instead of ubber idiotic.

not that it sounds uber sexy when i write it, but at least i know i don't sound like an idiot.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

not that it sounds uber sexy when i write it, but at least i know i don't sound like an idiot.

Yeah well, that's probably an exageration on my part there... lol.

 

[sexycaz22]

*raises hand up....slowly.....*

I am shy when it comes to groups of more than 3 people, and usually when there are some new faces in the groups, then I find it difficult to open myself up to the new people, therefore on the first impressions, most of them finds me a bit cold, when I don't mean to be cold with them. But however, once they get to know me, they realise that I did not mean it and after time, we usually become friends or enemies!!

But I have not been in a relationship for quite a long time, so I do not know if I would be shy in a relationship or even a relationship with a D/s aspect in it. I do find it more easier if we were on a one-to-one basis, and I could open myself up a little bit, but still, I would like it very much if the other person does start and lead the conversation.

Although, lately, I am starting to feel that I DO need to overcome my shyness, and I am trying to do so, and I am considering to go to one of my local munches. AND I am already arranging it with my friend (of the vanilla world!) to stay at her house and to meet her friends in England for September, and there will be a big event happening then. So, I do try to make it more easier on myself and to encourage myself to come out of the shell. But I do know it is not easy to do, after all, it only taken me about 5 years to come out of my shell...slowly!!

Maybe my ranting is slightly off the topic since I am NOT in a D/s relationship or in any relationship...period.

But I just wanted to share my experiences of my shyness!

Caz

 

[northwoods_sub]

Wow, so glad I found this thread, Sir and I were just talking about this today. He is a very vocal person that has no problem sharing his thoughts in or out of play. For myself I am ubber shy, I actually do better in a large group sharing my thoughts and feeling then in a one on one situation. During play he wants me to talk to him and tell him how I want to suck his cock and different fantasys and my throat literally closes up. I panic. It is so not funny because then I am frustrated and I feel horrible because I am not giving Sir what he wants.
He knows I am trying and appreciates it but that doesn't mean that I don't get "punished" for not following directions.
It just sucks though and I really hate the hang ups that my prude catholic mother passed down to me.
But obviously I am getting better as that I am here posting on lit, I will let go of the prudish thoughts I will! I will!

 

[Mazuri]

I have major issues expressing what I want to my husband for all the usual reasons: fear he'll laugh, fear he'll not understand/recognize how important whatever it is I'm telling is to me, or worse, fear he'll be disgusted with what I want/need. As we're not together for a while (military remote), we are emailing/IMing each other daily and it's a lot easier through that medium. When he was home for his mid-tour, we did talk about things. And I discovered that, while I was still nervous, it was easier than before. So it can get better over time

As for the post I've quoted below, I think I'm going to print this and post it to my bathroom mirror and read it every day.

Beautiful

You are not in blabbering idiot mode. You are, in fact, making quite a bit of sense. Your own feelings of insecurity are making you judge your communication efforts far more harshly than any of us would.

How and what YOU feel is perfectly all right. You have been taught, as almost all of us have, that our sexuality is shameful, disgusting, dirty, perverse. The truth of the matter is that those people programming us with their repressed view of sexuality are the perverse ones.

Human beings were created sexual beings, and we each have our own needs and desires. But almost all of us are taught from the moment we are born that our naked bodies are shameful to look upon. Ever wonder why we have such distorted self images? Ding-ding-ding! Because we're taught that even looking at ourselves as we REALLY are is naughty, dirty... *sighs* How can we have a positive self-image when we can't bare to really LOOK at ourselves? ? ?

But we want and need to express ourselves, share who and what we really are inside. We try to find someone, anyone, who will accept and love us as we are, failings, weaknesses, warts, and all. And all the time feeling like we are not good enough, because we KNOW our failings. We LIVE with the weaknesses we suffer from. We see the warts and they are not tiny, they are mountains because of distorted self image.

We try to find community in places like Literotica, our Leather clubs, BDSM Munch groups... Because of this need to share, to be validated, to be accepted. And it's easier to open up our hearts a little in this anonymous electronic realm because we can hide our faces and our shame. You know the Catholics have a lot of insight on guilt and anonymity and confession... *grin* For some of us, Literotica is our "Kinky Confessional"...

PH, your feelings, your needs, your desires are your own, they are okay, and they are very human and understandable. In a perfect world, your SO would spend whatever time and energy it takes to work with you to overcome your shyness. Your SO would listen without judgement, they would be accepting, encouraging, supporting. Unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world, and we sit in fear of rejection, judgement, and ridicule.

Take things in small steps. Try journalling. Try making recordings. Write your feelings, needs and desires out in poetry. There are ways to share your deepest self. One sentence. Two. Five. A dozen. With a little practice you will find that it becomes easier to organize your thoughts, say what you feel. With validation, and support and rewards for your ongoing efforts from your SO, you will begin to associate open communication with GOOD feelings, and not fear.

A lot depends on how they treat your efforts. A snappy, short, sarcastic, biting reply can just reinforce the negative feelings and short circuit the whole process. It's a shot in the dark, but I wish you much luck. Hey, if all else fails, you can always bend our ears here. It's not the same, but it helps none-the-less!

 

[vffan]

I have a very, very hard time vocalizing things myself. I've started to get better at it though. The first thing I did (and still continue to do) is, as most people suggested, to write notes or letters. A lot of times I will just give these to Him, sometimes I will take said paper in hand and read directly from the paper. It has taken *years* but I am finally starting to get to the point where I can talk openly about certain issues. I still have times where I do write or we even IM.

 

[littlegirlslut]

I have conversations like that sitting in His lap with the lights off, or with him cuddled around me. Usually she is holding my hand. Yes it's Poly. So yeah I'm with you on being horrible at talking about the big stuff. And normally I'm a chatter box.

 

[PassionateStars]

Shy Women

Hi

I find it quite alluring to see a woman shy and embarrassed a bit, especially in a provocative or sexual situation, when she is both turned on and also wishes she wasn't being seen. And her smile or laugh or turned face betrays her. And she is, at the same time, wonderfully smart and sweet and totally wanting to be .........