So maybe I'm just a vanilla with some kinks ...

[intothewoods]

Plenty. Look at the crisis of confidence style threads, delving into the psyche of sadists, etc. I've made those sort of posts describing moments where I've wondered that.

Not arguing that doms do so more than subs, just that I've seen a whole lot of those of us on the handle side of the whip expressing doubts.

Ok, yeah, I can think of a handful. But I still think there's something to the subs questioning their subbiness thing. Maybe women just question themselves out loud more.

 

[Desdemona]

for me, it's a continuum

I've been in a M/s relationship. I've been a sub. I've been a bottom. At the time, I felt pretty good about my particular label and place in those relationships. Now, I just go with the flow. Sometimes, we're pretty vanilla with a kink element, sometimes, we're extremely D/s. Most of the time, I'm aware of my subbie side; at least it's in the background and coloring my responses. As long as both partners are happy with the dynamic, it's all good.

 

[rida]

Oh yeah, I've done that on occasion. I think for me it comes down to needing to know I can change, screw up and be my whole, true self and still be loved and accepted. I realize there are limits, of course, but testing with instability somehow leads to feeling more stable/secure in my fucked up mind.

Totally there with you.
It is like a "if you can put up with my instability than I feel stable and secure"
No wonder people freak out

I think dominants think and question just as much as submissives, but we probably tend to do it more quietly. Most of the people I know, no matter their D/s orientation, have questioned, tried different things and struggled A LOT, even if they don't talk about it or appear to do so.

I don't talk about it a ton, but I've had the same thoughts about being vanilla/kinky/dominant/switchy/etc. as you very often. So has my husband. I figure they're just a function of figuring out who we are, what we really like and where we might be headed. I can't tell you how many times I've gone back and forth wondering about who and where I truly am in terms of D/s. I seem to go through questioning and interest phases a lot, but there are enough constants to tell me I'm on the right track and give me faith it'll level out some in time.

Great topic with lots of food for some serious introspection!

Thank you for the kind words *blush*

I know and knew that struggling with self definition and self awareness is normal, but it still helps to hear that I'm not alone in it.

My control freak and at the same time not wanting to cause a fuss nature wishes to know exactly all the answers before interacting with people. Unfortunately it is also part of my nature that I gain the most clarity about myself by interacting with people.

I've run the "I'm not submissive" doubt by Hubby and he basically laughed at me: he looked at me, asked a few questions and said "you are submissive. you are a slave. period".

It is not that I cannot see what he means. I do acknowledge and accept that I have a submissive nature. But ... am I willing to be someone's submissive? someone's slave? With all that it means and entail? I am Hubby's bottom. I am Hubby's submissive, but ... am I willing to be his slave?
Probably, just by describing the daily arrangement and actions, it may sounds so. However inside of myself ... I have not given up all the power to him. Fact is, he does not want it. But if he wanted it ... would I be able to do so? would I be willing to do so?
Or, even if he does not wish it, do I desire to do so? Do I need to do so?

I've been in a M/s relationship. I've been a sub. I've been a bottom. At the time, I felt pretty good about my particular label and place in those relationships. Now, I just go with the flow. Sometimes, we're pretty vanilla with a kink element, sometimes, we're extremely D/s. Most of the time, I'm aware of my subbie side; at least it's in the background and coloring my responses. As long as both partners are happy with the dynamic, it's all good.

Thank you for your perspective. You are right, as far as the people involved are happy, it is all good.

Or it should be all good. I guess it is just that I hate feeling unsure. It makes me feel restless. It makes me want to do something crazy or stupid just to take my mind off of it. Good thing that I always had a very strong super-ego that has kept me all my life from doing thing I would regret.

(Once, while in college, I was at a party totally drunk and seduced the sexiest guy of the party. I managed to end up in a private room on a bed with him and he started to try to undress me. I stopped him by telling him not to break my pantyhose and that I was not going to have sex with him because I had to graduate from college first )

 

[Netzach]

Women enjoy the hell out of freezing other women out of their social cliques for the sin of "lack of perfection"

I don't think men get off on that as much, thereby spend less time on "am I perfect?"