So now what...??

[NCShin]

I think this "Dom" of hers needs to be taken out, tied to a post and flailed until he loses consciousness.

If her husband had known and agreed with all parties that this was okay then it would be okay.

She did attempt to say that she didn't want to cheat.

He took her anyway.

Balls need to be cut off.

That is all.

I think that you're being a bit harsh on him, she was there too and her post never said that she didn't want him to do what he was doing.

Anyway, i ALWAYS lay blame in the lap of the person cheating, not the person they cheated with.

 

[RJMasters]

This is so not what I'm seeing going on here.


Why is it, someone tell me, that being sexually incompatible with no hope of fulfillment is not enough reason in and of itself for a relationship to end?

I'm not getting that part.

I would have alot to say on this, but would it make a difference as in the end the individual person needs to make a decsion that is best for them.

What I don't get is how people are so two faced in saying for subs who are new to the lifestyle, to go slow, take time, learn and grow, but when it comes to a new Dom in the lifestyle, they are so eager to form an opinion and say "nope he don't got it, and never will. That's bullshit". You can take the most meekest of guys and stick him in Marine Corps boot camp training, and when he emerges, he's ready to cut your fucking heart out with a spoon and eat it.

When you say "no hope of fulfillment" I think the point of this thread is find out if they have reached that point. Based off what she has posted, I am saying no they haven't reach that point yet. There is a chance that things could still work out between her husband and her, but because of how she have derailed this, there are issues which need to be cleaned up before any chance to explore further the possibilities. IMO her husband needs help to fully explore his dominance side to see if he's got it or if he don't. But they won't know unless they try will they?

Though Incubus_sub disagrees with me on this, I know very well that a person can be a dominant, yet repress it to fit into society. For years they deny being a dominant, as society has made that such a bad image, and as they grow up from childhood, they are conditioned to act and behave as a Vanilla.

How many women are raised or conditioned to be vanilla sucubus_sub? How many discover their submissiveness? How many then decide to learn and explore, being very awkward at first, but as they learn more about SSC they open up and they experiences wonderful change and/or growth.

But that can't happen for a Dominant? What a crock of shit.

I think that what we got here is a Dom who is taking advantage of a situation, a woman caught and conflicted by inner needs and a husband who is willing to try, but doesn't have a clue how to proceed, and fails "by comparison" to another Dom he has no idea even exists or that he is competing for his wife's submission.

So now that she has answered my questions about how she would be satisfied if her husband was a strong dominate...

1. Then end any all contact now with the cheating Dom.
2. Be open minded that her husband may or may not be Dominant, but that his lack of knowledge and inexperience in D/s relationships could be the source of the awkwardness. It will take time for him to learn. Only then can you together decide if he doesn't have what it takes.
3. Get his ass plugged in to the community, read some books, and explore his Dom side. Perhaps find another Dom willing to mentor him with you online. So he can ask questions.



A. Remember some of the things you might be wanting him to do to you, he has for years associated them in his mind with a jail cell for spousal abuse.

B. Many men are afraid of the monster inside of them. They are afraid that if they give "it" even a little bit of day light, they will be out of control. Last thing you want is an "inexperienced out of control Dom".

C. Start a journal. Be honest about your needs in it, but avoid comments that point to his failure. He may think flicking your nipple is pretty bad, where you needed it to be almost twisted off. I guess the goal is to find a way to communicate your needs and the depths of them. Letting him read your journal while you kneel by his chair or bedside to answer any questions if he has any.

D. From time to time, shock him. Be at the door naked and kneeling when he comes home some time with a belt draped over your back(you get the idea).

I do wish you the best of luck. Only you can judge yourself about what you did with this other Dom outside your marriage. Only you have the power to change the situation. You seem pretty set on staying with your husband and keeping the security of his love. As long as he is willing to explore and search, proves he has not given up on himself, and you shouldn't either.

 

[Netzach]

I agree, you can totally utterly develop the skills of a Dominant and the pseudo evil ways of a sado Top.

But you can't make someone want something.

That's the essence of what's being talked about.

If he wanted it, or wants it, that "ahah" light will go off when the subject comes up. He'll kick it around, chew on it, want to talk to his shrink about it if he has one, he'll pick up those books, even if he thinks it's bad and wrong.

If this happens, yes, I think we're seeing the societally suppressed Dom.

If she has to keep begging him to do that for the next year, then we're not.

I like what you say though, about the double standards. A "good Dom" is often just someone who plays the exact way the person making the assessment would have them play.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Sorry RJ, we'll have to agree to disagree on whether or not Doms can be made, or subs for that matter. Hidden, denied or not, if the kink is there then any adult will know it even if they choose not to act on it. Most of the people here will tell you that they knew what they were in their teens even if they didn't know it had a name. Given the invitation a true Dom, even if previously well hidden, will spring forth. Inexperienced they may be, but the desire, the want, will be evident immediately. It's the mind that makes the Dom, not the moves. Almost any sexually adventurous, horny male will have a go & enjoy it for the experience but will baulk at attempts to indoctrinate them into it as a lifestyle thing if it's not their real interest. It's somewhat similar to trying to make them gay if they're not.

I'd say most women are raised to be vanilla & proper. Many of us have repressed it for years to fit in, but when the opportunity to be ourselves presents itself there's no holding it back. There may be awkward beginnings, technique wise, but our heads always know what we are. The books, the advice we seek are simply tools which make us feel less alone in our desires, they don't create the desire in the first place.

If we had a choice, many of us would probably choose to be vanilla. It would be much easier to live in the conventional world and in a normal marriage. We wouldn't have to be discussing this poor lady's dilemma. I dare say that we have all read more vanilla relationship books than anything else, but, we still can't change our desires to suit the rest of the world. Why then are you suggesting that this lady's husband will be able to change his natural way to a B&D lifestyle even if, to save his marriage, he decides to try?

 

[RJMasters]

Sorry RJ, we'll have to agree to disagree on whether or not Doms can be made, or subs for that matter.

That's the trouble, I think we do agree more than you know. You miss the point. I know if a person is not Dominate by nature, there is no changing that. I agree with that premise. What I don't agree with is how people have interpreted this situation immediately passing judgement on her husband because of two things.
1 Their first experiences didn't meet her expectations, and
2 It has been stated a willingness to try on his part.

As to my first reason, this is her own fault. She gave herself to an experienced Dom and as I mentioned before set the bar of expectation too high. Just because he didn't meet her expectations, doesn't mean he isn't dominate. I wonder if she could go back before she cheated, and the husband and her tried for the first time together. I wonder if we would be seeing a completely different post now? We would probably be seeing a post of a giiggling sub excited that her and her husband took the first step together, and though it was not everything she hoped for, she is excited, that in time as they both grow, she knows things will get better and better. Since that's not possible, she now needs to give her husband the chance to catch up or at the very least an opportunity to try.

My second point is that based off what was posted, he is trying, which means: He is a dominate and trying to learn and explore, or it means hes not a dominate and because he loves her he is trying. If the second is true, there are certain enivitable failures ahead as I agree with you, a person either is or is not Dominate by nature. If he is dominate though, then she is just going to have to be patient with her expectations till he hits his stride.
------------------------

I'd say most women are raised to be vanilla & proper. Many of us have repressed it for years to fit in

Same can be said for so many Doms.


, but when the opportunity to be ourselves presents itself there's no holding it back.


That's not true, there are many women who have their first D/s experience and run back to vanilla, then spend days, weeks, even years being drawn to the flame and resisting. It is when they come to be at peace with themselvves as being a submissive that then no longer hold back. Same can be true for a dominate. Sometimes they have to fight through alot of junk before they come to peace about being who they are.
-----------------


There may be awkward beginnings, technique wise, but our heads always know what we are. The books, the advice we seek are simply tools which make us feel less alone in our desires, they don't create the desire in the first place.


Agreed they do not createe the desire in the first place, but they are helpful in many ways. And they can help to bring that peace about who they are and help them to accept.


If we had a choice, many of us would probably choose to be vanilla. It would be much easier to live in the conventional world and in a normal marriage. We wouldn't have to be discussing this poor lady's dilemma. I dare say that we have all read more vanilla relationship books than anything else, but, we still can't change our desires to suit the rest of the world. Why then are you suggesting that this lady's husband will be able to change his natural way to a B&D lifestyle even if, to save his marriage, he decides to try?

I am not saying he IS or IS NOT a dominant, what I am saying is that it is possible HE, SHE, and US do not know for certain at this point in time, and as long as he is willing to try to learn and explore the possibility, I think we should support that, and her.

If after some time passes, and its clear he isn't a dominant, what have they lost for trying? She still has a husband she loves and who loves her. She is no longer dealing with the guilt of cheating. And perhaps the journey will take their sex life up a few notches. Either way she doesn't go backwards from the current situation, and she has alot to gain for trying.

As a glimps of hope for you Enndea, I knew I was a dominant even from an early age, but I also was a soceity supressed Dom. I am 38 and it wasn't until about 7 or 8 years ago that I finally came to terms with who I am, and that peace gave me the strength to be who I am today. I say give him a chance, terminate this relationship which is causing you guilt, and take time to forgive yourself. While doing this, see if you can help your husband get plugged into the community. I wish the best for both of you.

 

[Guest]

 

[RJMasters]

Sorry RJ

Incubus,

Even if we do agree to dis-agree, I hold not anger in my heart or thoughts against you. I do not see it as you did anything wrong. You have a right to your opinion and I do respect that. If there is anything to forgive it is forgiven.

I think we both just want to help Enndea the best way each of us knows how. In my book that makes you a good person

If I did challenge what you had to say, I didn't do it as a rejection of you, but a chance to challenge your thinking and the BDSM community at large.

When I first came to the BDSM community, I was just as supressed by what others said as I was in the vanilla world. I soon learned I just had to think for myself and know who I am.

Peace

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think that what we got here is a Dom who is taking advantage of a situation, a woman caught and conflicted by inner needs and a husband who is willing to try, but doesn't have a clue how to proceed, and fails "by comparison" to another Dom he has no idea even exists or that he is competing for his wife's submission.

And maybe this is a big part of the dilemma, the Dominant who has all the information, and is taking part in the secret meetings etc., can often appear far more Domly and exciting than the unsuspecting spouse who because he is the spouse, is always there, and doesn't have to go to great lengths to meet and as such is all too boring in comparison. Add to that, some subs mistakenly see the spouse or unsuspecting partner as weak, simply because they do not know what has been going on behind their backs, and because they are not an active part of the big, bad, escapade. It is sad, but has happened more than once and sometimes becomes not so much a need for dominance as a need to spark up another's life by whatever means. Not always, but secrecy does lend itself to excitement and intrigue.

Catalina

 

[incubus'_sub]

RJ, I'm not in the slightest bit angry with you. We each have experiences to share with Enndea, they are just different. The more information she gains the better, with the possible exception of the guilt trips & the blame game. That helps no one.

Enndea's friend may or may not be an experienced Dom, she doesn't actually say that. It's possible that they are both exploring the B&D world for the first time together. It does sound though as if he is a real Dom through & through & therein lies the difference from her husband & is the crux of her dilemma.

I certainly didn't pass judgement on her husband. He is what he is, a good & loving man from all accounts. Again, if he wasn't then there wouldn't be a dilemma, she'd just leave him.

I don't think that there are many subs who, given the opportunity to be themselves, would run back to vanilla because they're not at peace with themselves. It's more about having to live with other people's standards for relationships. Those of us with kinks usually have to suppress them in order to maintain some semblence of acceptability in the mainstream world. Read some of the histories of the people here to discover just how difficult it is to find a life partner with matching kinks. That's why we often settle for less than we need in terms of sexuality and do our best to be "good".

In terms of our own stories I've lived through 2 marriages where I tried to do the right thing by my husbands. That's 32 years of suppression of my own needs, whilst still being honest, discussing what I would like, communicating ad nauseum with wonderful, kind & loving men who just couldn't "get" it. Yes, they both tried hard. No, it isn't the same.

We are human, sometimes things just don't work out the way we wish that they would. Enndea sounds like a good person to me, lets not send her on a guilt trip whatever she decides to do.

Incubus is My Master. He does agree with my posts, but probably better if you shorten my name to inc sub when referring to them.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I find myself in a very similar situation. ho hum.
Question #1: How have you been hiding the bruises?
Question #2: Why oh why can't we have both?

I want both dammit. I want my adorable kind nearly submissive lover AND my Dom. greedy greedy......

 

[Enndea]

I know that I have already said thank you. I will say it again. I know that to put my thoughts and dilemma in a public forum like this can welcome anyone's opinion, and even criticism. I don't feel like anyone here took advantage of that. And I am sure many of you can imagine how much of a weight it is off of me just to be able to share with someone....anyone....what has been going on with me lately. I would like to say, in defense of myself, I guess, that I do take issue with what Betticus said. If only for the fact that no one "took me anyway." I went willingly. Knowing it was wrong. I don't need to be chastised for my decisions, because no one will make me feel more guilty than I inevitably make myself feel. That being said....

I have made some decisions about how I want to proceed, and I thank all of you for helping me in that arena. Whether a Dom is made or born...?? I don't know. But I am willing to find out. I bought the book that was recommended, "The Loving Dominant" on Friday after work. I am already 2/3 through it. I told my husband when I am done, I want him to read it...and then we can talk. He quite reassuringly said 'I am up for anything.' So, even though I tend to think to myself..."he's such a nice guy....where is this going to come from?" I hope I prove myself wrong. I can't at this point ask for anything more than his willingness to try and understand this for me.

I have told the other person what is going on. Like I said, he is my friend. Ultimately, he wants what is best for me too, and he knows the emotional toll this is taking on me. I know this is not going to be easy. I know that I am going to want to go running back at times....especially depending on what transpires here....but I am going to make a serious effort. I hope no one here will want to kill me in about a month or two when I start whining about what I miss. Though, to try and be optimistic, maybe in two months I'll be bouncing off the walls in bliss. We can only hope.

Right now, I have basically decided I can no longer be around the only person who does "get this" about me. So, I apologize in advance for what will likely be my tendency to use this forum as my sounding board. I feel better already. Wish me luck.....

 

[incubus'_sub]

i do wish you luck & I hope it works out for you.
Don't apologise for using this board as a sounding board, that's what it's for. There are so many of us who have been in your situation, I hope we've helped a bit and we will continue to do so whenever you need us.

 

[kitty4ever]

Good luck.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

A good friend asked me once.. "Why do Good guys never get the girl?.." And I honestly couldn't answer him.

Good Luck!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hope it all works out for you with a minimum of difficulty ...and don't be too sure nice guys can't be Domly....sometimes they make the best kind. Domliness does not equate to brute force, coldness, or the 'bad boy' image.....it requires a lot more responsibility, control, and self knowledge. Francisco is always attracting comments wherever we go about how much of a gentleman he is..and he is.....but he is also an extremely sadistic Master with strength and control beyond most I have met.

Catalina

 

[rosco rathbone]

Is this other person married or single? He is single. And it probably is hard for him every time I go home to someone else. But, he also knows that is the arrangement, and he has at least for now told me that he would rather have me in his life the way that it is, as opposed to not at all. But I imagine that it does wear on him as well. Often, my guilt about all of this isn’t only about myself

I dunno. Sounds like he has it rather good. He gets the intense sexy shit without the grind of having to deal with a dissimilar (and as you tell it, ill-suited) person day-to-day.

I have no idea if this is actually the case but without him affirming, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is going about heartbroken--speaking from personal experience.

 

[Bandit58]

Hope it all works out for you with a minimum of difficulty ...and don't be too sure nice guys can't be Domly....sometimes they make the best kind. Domliness does not equate to brute force, coldness, or the 'bad boy' image.....it requires a lot more responsibility, control, and self knowledge. Francisco is always attracting comments wherever we go about how much of a gentleman he is..and he is.....but he is also an extremely sadistic Master with strength and control beyond most I have met.

Catalina

*smiles* I have a wonderful Master who loves me very much. But when we are playing......I certainly know who is in charge....
He is also an extremely nice guy, He just happens to have a kinky side

Enndea I hope things work out for you

 

[rosco rathbone]

This is so not what I'm seeing going on here.


Why is it, someone tell me, that being sexually incompatible with no hope of fulfillment is not enough reason in and of itself for a relationship to end?

I'm not getting that part.

But that's just me. I got out of a relationship that wasn't fulfilling my SM desires for that reason alone, and now I'm in one that is. It's not perfect and there are things I love and miss about my ex that this relationship doesn't fulfill.

(don't see this as a neat and clean break -- it involved cheating, fucking up, and etc. and I'm not proud nor am I ashamed.)

Globally overall, though, I'm getting much more of what I need to not want to jump off high things.

The Big N and I always see eye to eye on this one.

 

[catalina_francisco]

*smiles* I have a wonderful Master who loves me very much. But when we are playing......I certainly know who is in charge....
He is also an extremely nice guy, He just happens to have a kinky side

Enndea I hope things work out for you

We are certainly a couple of blessed women.

Catalina