Stag of Oberon

[graceanne]

Wow. That's pretty scary. My step-mom is schizophrenic. I really hope you'll be okay, and we'd appreciate it if you'd keep us in the loop.

 

[graceanne]

Right now: i'm a stay at home dad.

There's some very simple math that makes this a very reasonable choice though; If you look at the money I save our family; by clipping coupons, by taking care of the kids instead of sending them to daycare, by not eating at work or using the gas to get there, by eating less in general. Some may call this despicable, but if you include the tax breaks and food stamps we get because of out family's current low income, and you take all those numbers and call them income; I make significantly more than I ever did as an under employed deli-clerk, and my family's quality of life is better for it as well.

Simple math can still be a hard argument though, against the emotional bludgeon of my non-existent W2.

I did the math once and discovered we'd have to put out another 200/mth, on top of my wages, for me to work because of day care costs and gas and stuff.

 

[fed0ra]

I have been trying to follow this conversation. And butting in but I know people who swear by alternative medicine. I have travelled hours to get my kids and husband to a highly recommended Chinese doctor or to. Naturopath.

I am not saying don't listen to your doctors. Listen to them. Take their advice. But also look at alternatives - naturopathy, homeopathy, Chinese medicine, acupuncture, meditation. I have a cousin who goes to Dr Deepak Chopra in California a couple times a year. She has been ill for 4 years now. And thinks its helping her.

I hope you will at least think about it. And it looks like you have good here. Hang on to them. If nothing else, they provide a virtual shoulder.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I dread the prospect that my spirituality, even as little as I practice now, is a symptom that can and needs to be remedied with a pill.

I fear as well the thought that those experiences, as rare as they ever were, could be banished as a side effect, in an effort to deal with these memory issues.

Also; I remember a little girl's face. I remember her playing with my daughter; but there is no melody. This is straight out of a horror movie.

The financial side of this is just as heartache inducing; we were just on the cusp of getting debt free, and finally talking realistically about saving for a down payment on a house.

Like the scene from UP, where they break their saving jar over and over, except that ours is almost finally emptied of red ink, and we're looking at pouring more in.

No not your spirituality, Stag, that's not what worries me. It's the false memories, the unreasonable anger, the paranoia. You don't have to keep those things, in order to keep your spirituality. I most sincerely hope.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I know that I don't really know you except by your posts, but you word weave such lovely complex tapestries that I would most certainly miss you if you disappeared.

So please don't.

My best wishes and warmest hugs to you and yours as you face whatever challenges are ahead.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

my first response to this was denial.

You may be on to something there.

Maybe I should just not post during times of emotional distress. Getting angry at words on the screen is just too easy when there are real life problems i should probably be paying more attention to.

Read less news maybe; I'll spare you the links.

It has been pointed out to me that the doctor who uttered 'schizophrenia' should not have done so; he was a medical doctor in the process of referring me, not a psychiatrist. It's a very loaded hypothesis to band about casually.

I will keep you posted, but I think for now I shall resume my break.

I think this is good advice, generally.

 

[graceanne]

I think this is good advice, generally.

I agree.

 

[intothewoods]

I missed fedora's post earlier but that wouldn't be my advice. Conventional medicine isn't perfect, nor does it have all of the answers, but I take an evidence-based approach to my health care. You're an adult though, so do whatever you want.

My take, fwiw, is that you should do whatever you can to pursue some sort of care for your mental health. There are mental health professionals who will charge a reduced rate. Did you say you have a primary care doctor? Perhaps they can help you find someone willing to work with you. Is there a university nearby? I once saw a therapist who was in school so the rates were cheaper. If nothing else, consider that if you are the primary care provider, it's important that you are healthy.

 

[graceanne]

i can definitely see times when my depressions have effected my kids. It hurts to let them down like that.

This is common with anyone with any sort of chronic illness, the worry about how it effects the kids, and the guilt over letting them down. I deal with this on nearly a daily basis. I just remind myself that I did/am doing my best and that's all that can be expected of me. It doesn't always help, because I tend to hold myself to a higher standard than i hold others, but it's the truth. You are doing your best, and no one can expect more from you than that.

 

[intothewoods]

Yeah appointments are set... like I said; right now it's hurry up and wait.

i'm crossing my fingers that the psychiatrist is not of the pills first questions later variety. I've had more than enough of that.

Lets have the "Western/ conventional/ contemporary" vs. "alternative" healthcare debate somewhere else. please.

i can definitely see times when my depressions have effected my kids. It hurts to let them down like that.

Oh good - I missed that you said you had appointments.

No debate. I'm a skeptic and feel strongly about it. As I said, you're an adult and can make your own decisions.

 

[intothewoods]

For me it's just a question of what the scientific evidence supports.

 

[graceanne]

Makes sense, I guess. I used to have problems with confusing dreams with memories - I'm a very lucid dreamer. For years I thought that when my mom got married I didn't get to be the flower girl, that I was only in the wedding because I was her daughter and she had to have me there. My sister and my mom swear that she never said that, and I've come to strongly suspect that it was a dream I had.

Heck, I still sometimes struggle with them. Twice, while K was in Iraq, I dreamed he was dead and woke up still thinking he was dead. It normally wasn't until I was completely awake that I realized it had been a dream.

 

[Keroin]

A friend of mine told me about this recently and I thought of you, Stag.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2225792/New-100-accurate-test-diagnose-schizophrenics.html

 

[graceanne]

Well, to see a robot in your dream it to dream that you have lost your ability to express emotion. I don't know if that's true, but I know you feel a lot of guilt about how your depression is affecting your family and your children. Schools represent feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities. It'd make sense that you're looking for old robots, or possibly when you started being unable to express emotions, in your childhood insecurities. Buildings, of any kind, usually represent parts of yourself, and that it's a crumbling building would, to me, suggest that your dream is very much about your concerns about your mental health.

Water almost always represents your subconscious, in some way or form. Do you remember what the river was like? I kinda bet, considering the rest of your dream, that the waters were rough, which represent that you feel you're life is out of control, and the shingle would mean that you don't feel adequately prepared or protected from that.

The good parts are the active socialization's in your dream with other people who were also looking to find the robot and kill it. You're socializing with people who are struggling in the same way as you are. It's also good that you are looking to kill that robot, before it causes any more 'collateral damage' (like you relationships with your kids or your wife, for instance). This represents that you're looking to deal with this issue in your life.

In short - your dream says that you feel you've lost the ability to express emotion, you feel that your life is out of control and you're not adequately prepared for it. You are actively socializing with people who are in the same quest as you, to kill the 'robot' and prevent further collateral damage in their lives.

 

[graceanne]

the robots were polished relics of another time, untarnished, bulbous war machines, like a 12 foot Kirby in desert camo.

we were looking to repossess and later disable them, not kill them.

the waters were smooth but fast, like a roller coaster ride, and some of the corridors the water channeled through seemed to be indoors. On the other hand, roller coasters always have an out of control feel to me, so you're probably still right there. The shingle seemed uncharacteristically secure, and I never wondered about how safe or apt a vessel it was till after I woke up.

The building being an expression of myself is interesting... finding secret passages and puzzles leading to more secret passages, with the occupants of the building tending towards argumentative but relatively peaceful non-cooperation.

I just thought it was weird dreams to write about, a little funny at that. It is interesting to pick at it a bit.

I definitely don't feel like I've lost the ability to show emotion... but maybe the right to do so.

Well, I believe that often dreams are just about us, that there's nothing prophetic, but sometimes they're helpful in showing us what we're feeling. That doesn't mean I don't believe in prophetic dreams, just that they're very very rare.

I often dream of secret passages and rooms. They're some of my favorite dreams. Occasionally, I get creeped out or meet someone annoying, but there are benefits to being a lucid dreamer. I either wake myself up, or change the dream. lol

 

[desertslave]

I used to have horrid migraines, to the point where suicide seemed like a reasonable proposition at times. You have my deepest sympathies. Have you tried any of the newer medications?

Do you get the classic "aura" phase in any way? I have some friends who have been able to induce "brain freeze" during that phase that then successfully derails the subsequent pain. (Note: if it doesn't work, and you have the throwing up sort of pain, choose something that won't be excessively gross on the way out.) A megadose of caffeine can sometimes help, too.

 

[eastern sun]

I have had regular vomit-inducing migraines since I was a child. And I don't like taking the medications I've been prescribed. (I tried to commit suicide with them as a teenager. ) When my oldest child was born, though, I had to find a way of coping.

I found that - over time - regular meditation practice, and meditation during the onset of the migraine (in that period when the fear of the migraine outweighs the migraine itself), has been incredibly beneficial. I still get the migraines, but they are "painless," if you can imagine that. And, though I still feel queasy, I'm not throwing up.

 

[eastern sun]

Codeine . . . but that was in the 70's, a long time ago, and I became addicted to it.

I forget the name of the last prescription I was given. I haven't taken anything other than Motrin in 17 years. (That's when I began using meditation to cope with the migraines.)

 

[cookiecat]

I was going to PM you but I'll read through this thread first. It somehow feels necessary.

Thanks for the glitter contribution.