Story Discussion: August 15, 2007 "Chase Cooder - Bush Pilot!" by jomar

[jomar]

rachlou

Chapter 1.

I agree with most of what's been said already, so I won't repeat it.


You used the word graceful in rather close succesion. I think you could lose the second one, or change it to something like helpfully?

You're right, shoukd be 'fifteen.' I didn't realize I'd used two "graceful's" close togehter. Thanks. In Chap 2 I noticed i used 'charmed' and charmingly a couple of sentences apart.

Chapter 2

The dialogue between Chase and Ruane was definitely the best bit of the chapter. It worked beautifully and added depth to the characters. I was slightly jarred by the jump back to the present. It seemed to happen with no warning, but maybe that's just me rushing through the story whilst waiting for the paint to dry.

Doubt it's you. I need to work on the transitions.

Chapter 3

Shortly into this chapter, I kept waiting for Arnie Schwarzeneger to appear with guns blazing!

No need. Chase Cooder's on the hunt!

I found it difficult to believe that after four of her comrades had been murdered by masked assailents of unknown origin, this woman had sex on the brain?! Quite frankly, i'd be calling the local law in by then. The other issue I have about this scene is the mention of dead bodies under tarpaulin. Surely the whole area would be a crime scene and nothing should have been moved? Maybe I'm missing the point here completely? Maybe I've been watching too many episodes of CSI...

I also felt the sex scene was too forced at the end. Again because it seemed unlikely that Zizi would be feeling terribly horny after the bloodshed - unless she was a total nympho.

Zizi probably is a nympho, you know how those archeologist's are... But you're absolutely right - the sex is forced. I wedged it in to keep a sex scene in each chapter. In the rewrite that scene will come out. And in chapter 4 I didn't even get close to having Maureen have sex with a mercenary. I tried, but gave up and stuck it in as a 'deleted scene.'

Hmm. Excellent point about the site being a crime scene. I'll have to think about how best to work that.

But in terms of story development, I can see that you used the chapter to further the plot. I've no idea what the 'orb' is all about, but i'll read on to find out. I think we're heading into Indiana Jones territory... which I love!

I'll go and get some popcorn and read more later.

I thought about putting an epilogue in that kind of, sort of 'explains' the origin of the orb. Be interesting to see how people react to it as the story progresses. Thanks, rachlou!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

My Chapter 2 comments:

You've lost me. Chase simply isn't believable. Maybe it's because I tend to err on the side of realism, and maybe because I spent 7 years in the Arctic, and hundreds of hours flying with bush pilots all over the north.

There was a saying up there: There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots. Chase is a bold pilot.

I never knew a pilot who listened to music while he was flying. I have a hard time imagining any pilot screwing around with an Ipod on takeoff.

Another point, Chase quit his job as a prosecuting attorney, but he had a double engineering major? And graduated in 3 years? That's a little tough to swallow. He joined the army, and of course, he was in the Delta force? Just when did he find time to become an attorney, and where and when did he get his flight training?

Ruane is just about as unbelievable. She was offered a commision, an oppurtunity to fly, and turned it down to be a wrench turning NCO?

My next problem is with an American charter operation flying willy nilly into Canada. Huge problem there, each time the plane crosses the border it will have to be met by customs.

My final comment, why all the mention of the music? It does nothing for the story at all.

 

[jomar]

My Chapter 2 comments:

You've lost me. Chase simply isn't believable. Maybe it's because I tend to err on the side of realism, and maybe because I spent 7 years in the Arctic, and hundreds of hours flying with bush pilots all over the north.

There was a saying up there: There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots. Chase is a bold pilot.

I never knew a pilot who listened to music while he was flying. I have a hard time imagining any pilot screwing around with an Ipod on takeoff.

I did take liberties, not being a pilot. Sounds like I'd need to look into it more and probably change it.

Another point, Chase quit his job as a prosecuting attorney, but he had a double engineering major? And graduated in 3 years? That's a little tough to swallow. He joined the army, and of course, he was in the Delta force? Just when did he find time to become an attorney, and where and when did he get his flight training?

The original idea was for Chase to be bigger than life, ultra capable, running from hurt and channeling all his energy into action and achievements. So it is tough to swallow. And you're gonna choke later when you learn he also went to med school! I'd have to work it out again, but I did a timeline that seemed to make it possible, if improbable.

Ruane is just about as unbelievable. She was offered a commision, an oppurtunity to fly, and turned it down to be a wrench turning NCO?

That's a thought. Maybe she could have been a pilot and have a dream of a having the bush pilot business. I do have a friend who had a variety of opportunities, but turned them all down to work on cars. It's all he wanted to do.

My next problem is with an American charter operation flying willy nilly into Canada. Huge problem there, each time the plane crosses the border it will have to be met by customs.

That sucks. Sounds like they're gonna have to move the operation to Canada. Was it tight like that pre-9/11?

My final comment, why all the mention of the music? It does nothing for the story at all.

That doesn't seem to be working like I hoped, so I'll make it more generic, maybe only mentioning the Seals and Croft song, since that one is really the only important one.

Thanks, drkside, I appreciate your time and comments. As an FYI, if you get to chapter 3, the sex there is really forced and will be taken out in the rewrite, so you can ignore it.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Yes, the customs thing was that tight pre 911. Think about drug smuggling...

Something else you need to think about is the weapons, they are most certainly outlawed in Canada. Bringing them across the border would land you in jail.

The problem with Chase is that you're making him almost cartoonish.

I need to add, that the whole concept of your story is good.

 

[jomar]

Yes, the customs thing was that tight pre 911. Think about drug smuggling...

Something else you need to think about is the weapons, they are most certainly outlawed in Canada. Bringing them across the border would land you in jail.

The problem with Chase is that you're making him almost cartoonish.

I need to add, that the whole concept of your story is good.

Yeah, I need to work out some of those legal kinks. Maybe that could be part of who Chase is. A noble character, but willing to cut corners. I'll have to think about it. And I like the idea of the ultra capable thing, even a bit over the top, but certainly not cartoonish or parody - a fine line up close.

There are unbelievable aspects to it as it goes on, which sort of added to the "suspend your judgment for the duration of the ride" thing.

Thanks for the support on the story concept. It's a fun one, but I know it needs help. So I truly appreciate you, and everybody else, firing away. I'm actually enjoying this because it's a great learning experience and I know the end result will be a much improved story.

 

[jomar]

Doc M

You've got another cliche—an emotional one—when he breaks down and cries out his girlfriend's death and then he feels better. All cured.. I don't know. I know I've heard women say they've done things like that, but I never have. Usually you cry and you cry and you still feel awful. I've had tragedies and losses in mny life and that's never happened to me or anyone I know. That's a TV emotion.

I've woke up this morning with this on my mind for some reason. I think you're right the way I wrote it so it definitely needs work. But in the larger sense I think it is valid. At one point in my life a four year relationship not so much as broke up as fizzled out. I was visiting a friend in NYC and happened to look my ex up. We talked and a weight I didn't realize I carried was lifted off my shoulders. I now that sounds dramatic, but I recall almost a physical reaction to the "emotional baggage" being gone. I felt lighter. And then we screwed for old times sake, Literotica style. Anyway, the passage needs work, but I think that's more the feel, of old emotional pain lifting and begin released.

 

[Penelope Street]

Chase Cooder was written as a cliffhanger.

Chase's tale seems as if it's supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek sexual romp, but it just gets sillier and sillier until it's like an x-rated Scooby Doo episode- except instead of Freddie, the group is lead by one man combination of Thomas Magnum, Perry Mason, Indiana Jones, and Dr. Doug Ross. And, of course, he has sex with not only Daphne and Velma, but every other female in the story.

So have you considered making "Chase Cooder, Bush Pilot" a full-blown parody? It could really work. If not, then I think Chase needs to be a lot more human. Slowing the pace might help too- the later chapters feel a bit rushed compared to the first.

Here are a few thoughts I had while reading:

He reached over to get his iPod from the right seat and carelessly allowed the right wing to dip. When straightening up he overcorrected while plugging in the iPod, and the left wing dipped before he leveled the plane out.
I liked this- that his wing waggle is nothing more than incompetence while Maureen wonders if it's something else. This moment would be even more effective if it was the first we experienced from Chase's perspective.

Damn it! I hope Box didn't see that. He'll ride my ass for a week for sloppy flying.
I'm not sure if I liked this or not. Does Chase really think it was sloppy flying or is he focused on his music? And don't even try to tell me he can multi-task, because I've just seen that he can't.

Chase and Ruane entered college the same year and were acquaintances, but hadn't really spent any time together. Like two people with nothing better to do for the time being, they had a long dinner in an intimate bistro.
I'd like to see the moment when one recognizes the other.


Parker grumbled to Maureen about his ruined Manolo Blahnik...

Music piped through the high quality, custom headset.
Consider the above pair of descriptions; one uses a brand name while the other simply tells us the item is high quality. Either can work better than the other, depending on the target audience's knowledge, but I'm curious why the narrator isn't consistent in style?


Ruane was open, curious and, for some, a bit blunt. Chase wasn't sure if he liked it or not, but was responding to her.

He was beginning to really like this woman.

Chase was charmed by Ruane's passion for her dream, and by her beauty. Ruane was a bit taller than average. She had an athletic build and ...
Embedded like they are within good dialogue, these lines struck me a just so telly.


Ruane sniffled again. "I was so afraid it might clog and shut down the engine.
So this is what causes the engine to stall? Since Chase doesn't do anything to unclog it, why does the motor start again? Why doesn't he check this part when he looks over the plane before the return flight- or is this meant to be a sign that Chase is a little on the fast and loose side of everything?

By the time they opened their door for business, Chase and Ruane had long been frequent and enthusiastic lovers, though not exclusive.
What is remotely romantic or erotic about this introduction of Ruane and Chase's explicit scene?

She swayed sensuously to the music and took off her cap.Not only am I not going to be excited by Chase and Ruane having sex, I actually don't want them to. Hello? He's just been with a near-stranger! I know condoms are frowned upon in erotic stories, but this tale is clearly set in the AIDS era and the lack of protection tells me Chase doesn't care about Ruane- so guess who I don't really care about? The sex is not just uninteresting, it's actually distancing me from the characters.

Kidnapping had always been a possibility in her family and she was well trained in martial arts and survival techniques. She even had a GPS implant under the skin of her right underarm.
This is laugh-out-loud humorous, but did you mean it to be?

The woman's gaze lingered on Chase, finding his handsome features appealing.
This is where I gave up on the plot as anything other than a conveyance for meaningless sex scenes.

"Don't worry. He was a doctor, a surgeon actually, before deciding he wanted to be a lawyer. And that was before he decided to play bush pilot. Go figure."
Here is where I started to wonder if the story maybe missed it's calling as the dry parody Zoot mentioned.

Again turning to the entrance, she yelled, "Stellaaaa!"
Is this meant to mimic A Streetcar Named Desire?

Parker noted the icosahedron has twenty triangular faces, twelve vertices, and is associated with the element Water. The dodecahedron, with twelve faces and twenty vertices, symbolized the element Ether, and also represented Humanity. He tapped his lips with a forefinger and wondered what significance all this held, if any.
There was a circle, and then a circle with a vertical line and a horizontal line bisecting it. Two circles were inside the larger circle, touching one another at the center line, touching the edge of the outer circle, and were bisected by the horizontal line. The next progression showed two tangential arcs touching the tops and bottom of the inner circles and meeting at a point just outside of the larger circle.
I don't know what this math stuff has to do with the story, but it's super boring.

At this point, I admitted that the story had totally lost me and I gave up reading, which is kinda sad because Doc is right- you have the style down and there's nothing wrong with the writing itself. If the tale is just meant to be a dressed-up sequence of sex scenes, then I guess it can work for those who like that sort of story, but I want more. This story's plot outside of the explicit scenes almost delivers- and I believe it still can if it's either tightened to where it's more serious and believable, or loosened to the point where it's an obvious comedy.

 

[jomar]

Penny

Chase's tale seems as if it's supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek sexual romp, but it just gets sillier and sillier until it's like an x-rated Scooby Doo episode- except instead of Freddie, the group is lead by one man combination of Thomas Magnum, Perry Mason, Indiana Jones, and Dr. Doug Ross. And, of course, he has sex with not only Daphne and Velma, but every other female in the story.

So have you considered making "Chase Cooder, Bush Pilot" a full-blown parody? It could really work. If not, then I think Chase needs to be a lot more human. Slowing the pace might help too- the later chapters feel a bit rushed compared to the first.

Scooby Doo? I'll address this after your last comment.

Here are a few thoughts I had while reading:

He reached over to get his iPod from the right seat and carelessly allowed the right wing to dip. When straightening up he overcorrected while plugging in the iPod, and the left wing dipped before he leveled the plane out.

I liked this- that his wing waggle is nothing more than incompetence while Maureen wonders if it's something else. This moment would be even more effective if it was the first we experienced from Chase's perspective.

I'll consider it. drkside didn't buy the iPod thing for piloting reasons.

Damn it! I hope Box didn't see that. He'll ride my ass for a week for sloppy flying.
I'm not sure if I liked this or not. Does Chase really think it was sloppy flying or is he focused on his music? And don't even try to tell me he can multi-task, because I've just seen that he can't.

Sloppy only because he's done it before without the waggle.

Chase and Ruane entered college the same year and were acquaintances, but hadn't really spent any time together. Like two people with nothing better to do for the time being, they had a long dinner in an intimate bistro.
I'd like to see the moment when one recognizes the other.

I agree.

Parker grumbled to Maureen about his ruined Manolo Blahnik...

Music piped through the high quality, custom headset.
Consider the above pair of descriptions; one uses a brand name while the other simply tells us the item is high quality. Either can work better than the other, depending on the target audience's knowledge, but I'm curious why the narrator isn't consistent in style?

You're right. It should be consistent. And if I talk about other specific equipment I should probably say what it is.

Ruane was open, curious and, for some, a bit blunt. Chase wasn't sure if he liked it or not, but was responding to her.

He was beginning to really like this woman.

Chase was charmed by Ruane's passion for her dream, and by her beauty. Ruane was a bit taller than average. She had an athletic build and ...
Embedded like they are within good dialogue, these lines struck me a just so telly.

Yeah, I wasn't really comfortable with them either.

Ruane sniffled again. "I was so afraid it might clog and shut down the engine.
So this is what causes the engine to stall? Since Chase doesn't do anything to unclog it, why does the motor start again? Why doesn't he check this part when he looks over the plane before the return flight- or is this meant to be a sign that Chase is a little on the fast and loose side of everything?

Good points. I need him to check the engine after he checks in to the lodge and do all the routine things he can, maybe blow out the fuel filter with a portable air compressor. I don't think he's so much fast and loose as quick on his feet and highly capable, though how this is conveyed gets back to what style the story is.

By the time they opened their door for business, Chase and Ruane had long been frequent and enthusiastic lovers, though not exclusive.
What is remotely romantic or erotic about this introduction of Ruane and Chase's explicit scene?

Not much. And won't be necessary in a longer version.

She swayed sensuously to the music and took off her cap.Not only am I not going to be excited by Chase and Ruane having sex, I actually don't want them to. Hello? He's just been with a near-stranger! I know condoms are frowned upon in erotic stories, but this tale is clearly set in the AIDS era and the lack of protection tells me Chase doesn't care about Ruane- so guess who I don't really care about? The sex is not just uninteresting, it's actually distancing me from the characters.

Hmm. It is hard to get around the AIDS era thing if a story is going to be realistic. I'm reading a book right now that's set in current times and when the main characters get together no thought is given to condoms. Of course, it's not explicit sex and they don't boink everyone in sight, so an assumption could be made that they are using safe sex. I certainly want them to care about each other and don't want to distance readers.

Kidnapping had always been a possibility in her family and she was well trained in martial arts and survival techniques. She even had a GPS implant under the skin of her right underarm.
This is laugh-out-loud humorous, but did you mean it to be?

Um, sure. But which part? The way I wrote it or that she has been trained in self-protection and has an implant?

The woman's gaze lingered on Chase, finding his handsome features appealing.
This is where I gave up on the plot as anything other than a conveyance for meaningless sex scenes.

It's not, but the sex scene here in Chapter 3 was definitely forced for the Lit readers and all that will come out in a rewrite.

"Don't worry. He was a doctor, a surgeon actually, before deciding he wanted to be a lawyer. And that was before he decided to play bush pilot. Go figure."
Here is where I started to wonder if the story maybe missed it's calling as the dry parody Zoot mentioned.

Again, I'll address this after your last comment.

Again turning to the entrance, she yelled, "Stellaaaa!"
Is this meant to mimic A Streetcar Named Desire?

Only as a Lit nod to Stella_Omega, who took an early interest and was going to edit before real life grabbed her time. Zizi will use a walkie-talkie in the rewrite.

Parker noted the icosahedron has twenty triangular faces, twelve vertices, and is associated with the element Water. The dodecahedron, with twelve faces and twenty vertices, symbolized the element Ether, and also represented Humanity. He tapped his lips with a forefinger and wondered what significance all this held, if any.
There was a circle, and then a circle with a vertical line and a horizontal line bisecting it. Two circles were inside the larger circle, touching one another at the center line, touching the edge of the outer circle, and were bisected by the horizontal line. The next progression showed two tangential arcs touching the tops and bottom of the inner circles and meeting at a point just outside of the larger circle.
I don't know what this math stuff has to do with the story, but it's super boring.

I guess it didn't hit the mark by a longshot. The idea was that there were math properties and language symbols from many ancient cultures on the orb and that the orb predated civilization. I'll have to figure out a better way to communicate it.

At this point, I admitted that the story had totally lost me and I gave up reading, which is kinda sad because Doc is right- you have the style down and there's nothing wrong with the writing itself. If the tale is just meant to be a dressed-up sequence of sex scenes, then I guess it can work for those who like that sort of story, but I want more. This story's plot outside of the explicit scenes almost delivers- and I believe it still can if it's either tightened to where it's more serious and believable, or loosened to the point where it's an obvious comedy.

Wait, don't quit now! Don't you want to see how it ends? Actually, that's important info, if you gave up, so did others. In fact, looking at the views the chapters 7 and 1 had the highest "reads," then 6, and 2. Chapters 3, 4 and 5 had substantially less views.

The story can actually do without the sex scenes, which were really put there for the Lit submission. I think a main issue is for me to decide what it's going to be and to stay with it. My original idea was for a larger than life kind of hero, super capable, highly trained, etc, played with a straight face, but not really parody or farce. Though using an alien artifact plot device may choke some readers.

Any thoughts on which (more serious/believable or dry parody/comedy) would be more appealing? Could it be "serious" with an alien orb, or would that throw it squarely into parody territory?

Thanks for your helpful comments, Penny.

 

[Penelope Street]

It is hard to get around the AIDS era thing if a story is going to be realistic. I'm reading a book right now that's set in current times and when the main characters get together no thought is given to condoms. Of course, it's not explicit sex and they don't boink everyone in sight, so an assumption could be made that they are using safe sex.

Condoms in a story are a lot like condoms in real life- they can really interfere with the mood, can't they? If the sex in the story wasn't explicit, then I could at least assume Chase used some protection, but with Ruane demanding the riskiest sex of all, well, it was a little hard not to think about. If Chase didn't boink everyone in sight, then this might not have been an issue for me.

Sloppy only because he's done it before without the waggle.

More like he's always waggled, but after the engine issue yesterday, he's a little more alert- so this is the first time he's paying just enough attention to notice.

...which part[is humorous]? The way I wrote it or that she has been trained in self-protection and has an implant?

Both. It's out of the blue, matter of fact, and over the top.

Only as a Lit nod to Stella_Omega, who took an early interest and was going to edit before real life grabbed her time.

Stella's the berries!

I guess it didn't hit the mark by a longshot. The idea was that there were math properties and language symbols from many ancient cultures on the orb and that the orb predated civilization. I'll have to figure out a better way to communicate it.

Ok. If he's an expert, then can an ordinary person like me understand what he's trying to figure out? Probably not. So why even try to explain it? Why not just show me Parker turning this thing over in his hands, looking at the shape and incriptions, reading a page from a tattered old book, looking back to the object- and then say he does this for many hours before his red-streaked eyes suddenly light up. I think that would work.

The story can actually do without the sex scenes...

You could certainly do the literary equivalent of turning out the lights early into each sex scene unless the reader needs to know more than these two characters are involved in an intimate manner.

I think a main issue is for me to decide what it's going to be and to stay with it. My original idea was for a larger than life kind of hero, super capable, highly trained, etc, played with a straight face, but not really parody or farce.

If that's what you want to write, then that's what you should write- but doctor, lawyer, chemist, pilot, etc., that's just too much unless you want to make a farce of it. Often these larger than life characters work better with less about their past explained. If you choose to go this route, I think it's better if Ruane knows less about him too, and is curious to know more, just like the reader.

But 'Chase Cooder, Bush Pilot'? That is a great name for a sexual comedy.

Could it be "serious" with an alien orb, or would that throw it squarely into parody territory?

You can get away with the alien orb, or something like that, but I think you need to foreshadow it early- and the lodge is a fine place. All you need is for the guests to be gathered about the fireplace and one of them mentions the archeological dig. Then a crusty old local can appear from nowhere. With the glow of the flames painting his tanned face, he tells the legend of how the egg of the sky spirit (or whatever you want to call it) came to earth- with warnings that the site should be left alone, yada yada yada. The thing should have a curse too, shouldn't it?

With anything outlandish, the earlier you can introduce it, the easier it is to believe.

 

[jomar]

Penny

It is hard to get around the AIDS era thing if a story is going to be realistic. I'm reading a book right now that's set in current times and when the main characters get together no thought is given to condoms. Of course, it's not explicit sex and they don't boink everyone in sight, so an assumption could be made that they are using safe sex.

Condoms in a story are a lot like condoms in real life- they can really interfere with the mood, can't they? If the sex in the story wasn't explicit, then I could at least assume Chase used some protection, but with Ruane demanding the riskiest sex of all, well, it was a little hard not to think about. If Chase didn't boink everyone in sight, then this might not have been an issue for me.

I think in the rewrite the sex won't be explicit.

Sloppy only because he's done it before without the waggle.


More like he's always waggled, but after the engine issue yesterday, he's a little more alert- so this is the first time he's paying just enough attention to notice.

...which part[is humorous]? The way I wrote it or that she has been trained in self-protection and has an implant?

Both. It's out of the blue, matter of fact, and over the top.

I can agree with the out of the blue, matter of fact introduction not working. But I don't think having an implant is necessarily over the top. People have medical chips implanted, security ones and now they're promoting ATM chips implants so you can just wave your wrist over a scanner to pay for stuff.

I guess it didn't hit the mark by a longshot. The idea was that there were math properties and language symbols from many ancient cultures on the orb and that the orb predated civilization. I'll have to figure out a better way to communicate it.

Ok. If he's an expert, then can an ordinary person like me understand what he's trying to figure out? Probably not. So why even try to explain it? Why not just show me Parker turning this thing over in his hands, looking at the shape and incriptions, reading a page from a tattered old book, looking back to the object- and then say he does this for many hours before his red-streaked eyes suddenly light up. I think that would work.

And then has to tell someone about his "discovery."

I think a main issue is for me to decide what it's going to be and to stay with it. My original idea was for a larger than life kind of hero, super capable, highly trained, etc, played with a straight face, but not really parody or farce.


If that's what you want to write, then that's what you should write- but doctor, lawyer, chemist, pilot, etc., that's just too much unless you want to make a farce of it. Often these larger than life characters work better with less about their past explained. If you choose to go this route, I think it's better if Ruane knows less about him too, and is curious to know more, just like the reader.

But 'Chase Cooder, Bush Pilot'? That is a great name for a sexual comedy.

*sigh* I can't decide yet which way to go. I have to agree that the name is a good one for a romp.

Could it be "serious" with an alien orb, or would that throw it squarely into parody territory?

You can get away with the alien orb, or something like that, but I think you need to foreshadow it early- and the lodge is a fine place. All you need is for the guests to be gathered about the fireplace and one of them mentions the archeological dig. Then a crusty old local can appear from nowhere. With the glow of the flames painting his tanned face, he tells the legend of how the egg of the sky spirit (or whatever you want to call it) came to earth- with warnings that the site should be left alone, yada yada yada. The thing should have a curse too, shouldn't it?

With anything outlandish, the earlier you can introduce it, the easier it is to believe.

Ooh, a curse! I thought about a prologue where some autobot descends from the sky and releases smaller bots,light and lasers and makes the cave and leaves the orb. But I like your idea too.


Looks like starrkers has started her thread, but If anybody has anything else to add here, by all means, please do. In the meantime, thank you all so much for taking the time to read and comment.

 

[Penelope Street]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and comment.

Thank you for sharing your story and for being such a gracious host.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Jomar,

I've been reading chapters whenever visiting grandkids let me get to the 'puter and following the discussion (something of a writing lesson unto itself) for the past few days. And while I hate to sound like a goldbrick, truth be told there's virtually nothing I can add that wouldn't be a repeat of points made earlier, and no doubt better, by others.

Overall, what bothered me the most was what I, and some others, see as a lack of focus. Is this intneded to be a "for real" action-adventure tale with touches of "indiana Jones" style humor, or a total send-up similar to Zoot's "Matt Danger" series? Until that's resolved, fashioning the story will be a challenge.

To atone for my dereliction of duty, please feel free to send my any revisions you'd like to have checked out.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[jomar]

Jomar,

I've been reading chapters whenever visiting grandkids let me get to the 'puter and following the discussion (something of a writing lesson unto itself) for the past few days. And while I hate to sound like a goldbrick, truth be told there's virtually nothing I can add that wouldn't be a repeat of points made earlier, and no doubt better, by others.

Overall, what bothered me the most was what I, and some others, see as a lack of focus. Is this intneded to be a "for real" action-adventure tale with touches of "indiana Jones" style humor, or a total send-up similar to Zoot's "Matt Danger" series? Until that's resolved, fashioning the story will be a challenge.

To atone for my dereliction of duty, please feel free to send my any revisions you'd like to have checked out.

Rumple Foreskin

Thank you for stopping by Rumple, and for taking the time to read and comment. And I agree with you. My original idea was some over the toppish thing, but along the way I shifted some so it's not consistent. Like you said, it needs to decide what it's going to be. And thank you for the offer to check out rewrites - I may take you up on that. I also think I'll check out Matt Danger, I wasn't aware of it.