Story Discussion, dr_mabeuse, 2/20/05, main queue

[hiddenself]

Not as a short story

I agree with Wishfulthinking about the 'formulaic' nature of this. But at the end, all stories are such, although the good ones disguise it better and the bad ones are blatant about it.

I also agree with PS on that little unfortunate sentence. It is the AUTHOR'S statement, not the character's (Lia's), hence all I can think of is that the AUTHOR is an idiot (not his character). I found it offensive as soon as I read it.

As a short story, this did not appeal to me very much and left me totally unsatisfied. You had me hooked and reading and then it was over. This was it? That's what the whole thing was about? How deflating!

But as a first draft of the opening of a longer novel, this is perfect. What you have here is the condensed summary of about three chapters. The party (background), the hook (the near-death taxi event), and the beginning of the quest (Lia's introduction to the 'other' worlds).

If this is a short story, then I think that a lot of elements are really unnecessary or do not make much sense (Lia's 'regular' life and the party scene, Bosuns's motivations, even the 'ghost office' description). In a longer novel, however, all these could be integrated. You could actually find a strong reason for them to be there.

Finally, I wonder what you've been reading recently, since I find certain elements similar to what's in King's THE DARK TOWER series (for example, the evil centrality of the building).

 

[Penelope Street]

I also agree with PS on that little unfortunate sentence. It is the AUTHOR'S statement, not the character's (Lia's), hence all I can think of is that the AUTHOR is an idiot (not his character). I found it offensive as soon as I read it.

This is the sentence that made me bristle:

Candy had a weight problem and so was no competition for Lia, therefore they were friends, or close enough.

This statement pushed a couple of my buttons the wrong way. I don't mind if Lia thinks Candy is no competition because of her size. That's realistic. I don't mind if Candy thinks her weight is a problem. That's realistic too. I would adore that description; it would add depth to the characters in an efficient fashion. But that's not quite how it reads. The omnipotent narrator tells me that Candy has a weight problem and is therefore not competition. This upset me. One may think it a subtle distinction, but I disagree. I found it most insensitive that the narrator, rather than a character, made such a judgment.

I consider the author to be an extremely sensitive individual and I never imagined, not even for an instant, that statement in question echoed a personal view on the matter.

Six weeks later, I still believe the sentence, if read literally, is offensive- in addition to being just plain wrong. That said, I made some effort to single out that the narrator as the source of the pronouncement, as distinct from the author. If I ever even implied this was the author's statement, this was an error on my part.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[dr_mabeuse]

In case anyone wants to see the final product, the story's now been posted:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=193156

The offending sentence now reads:

In Lia's view, Candy's weight precluded her from the immediate competition and so they were friends, or at least as close as Lia as Lia[sic] ever got.

What a clunking monster, even down to the bone-headed proof-reading error.

Ah well. That's writing by committee.

Still, thanks to all again. The story's doing much better than I had expected, but then, I think people who read Non-erotic are already kind of positively biased.

---dr.M.