Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
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I know I'm a bit worse for wear today but what is the error?
Yeah, the line needs to be deleted. But the error...
Story help please
- Thread starter PJ526
- Start date
Yeah, the line needs to be deleted. But the error...
W
where
Guest
no...that's right. He's asking her to NOT marry him.
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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Jenny, I don't think that's an error. She's being clever.
I still think that first line needs to go though. PJ, you're giving away the whole story with that line at the beginning. Why should anyone read it if they know what's going to happen? Don't give away too much too soon.
This is a recognized literary device. Sort of 50/50. You think that they won't read it because they know what's going to happen (which they don't, really--this is a question--what's "going to happen" comes before that after it--which is the basis for using the device--getting the reader to read the story). The theory of the device, though, is that the reader will be curious about that strange contradiction and read the story for that reason. Standard device.
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To sr71plt
FYI - I am asking for opinions. And I give my opinions as well...a person has a choice - they can take my opinion or leave it. I won't be offended if they didn't follow my suggestions. And those that know me know that I love the constructive criticism. What would you rather me say? Leave your opinion and even though it contradicts everyone else's, I'll take it and be thoroughly confused? Everyone has their own style of writing...is it better now?
FYI - I am asking for opinions. And I give my opinions as well...a person has a choice - they can take my opinion or leave it. I won't be offended if they didn't follow my suggestions. And those that know me know that I love the constructive criticism. What would you rather me say? Leave your opinion and even though it contradicts everyone else's, I'll take it and be thoroughly confused? Everyone has their own style of writing...is it better now?
Since the question is NOT to marry him, people are going to want to understand the reasoning behind it...I would anyway. You don't ask a person NOT to marry you...right?
W
where
Guest
I'm hopeless with story titles. And descriptions as well. Maybe you could get a computer generated one?
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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Well, yes, of course what you changed it to is better. The first one essentially was "give me your opinion but I'm sure it's crap."
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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tickledkitty
Precious.
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Yeah, I get that. I just don't think it works very well in this case. It seems too obvious.
As a matter of fact, I've heard that line before. In a movie, I think. It seems sort of cliche to me.
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I appreciate your thoughts...I don't know how else to grab the reader and bring them into the story...any suggestions?
My friend asked Bonnie that question and that was what drew me to the story...I don't know what to do...I am stuck. Sigh
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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As I said, it's a standard writing device. So if you like it, you could just leave it that way. It seemed fine to me.
Story posted...
My story went online today....you can find it here - let me know what you think of finished story...
Bonnie and Jeff
My story went online today....you can find it here - let me know what you think of finished story...
Bonnie and Jeff
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