Structural Dynamics

[twelveoone]

First. Look at this statement
Old Timer don't think my every Poem is an Insult to you !?

This is bullshit. Old Timer. Some are Insults. All are in Great Need of Impovement.
The Insult comes from...


Second.
I ask you to read something and you come back with a lecture on
Aids, now did erectus get that lecture? His subject matter almost always dealt with sex, except when he was insulting me, in which case he threw that in also. And I asked you to show me where you found any sex in mine, there was none.

Third, this is not a poem. No attempt is made to present it as such, and you occupy 2/3 of it, the child 1/3. ASH gets top billing, doesn't he? For a purpose.

a single child .......
I HAVE...
it was raining torrentially &
I was bundled up in my snug , rainproof Windcheater
happily feeling immune to the Wet , the Cold ....

I BRING THIS UP
.......till I suddenly saw a small , miserable toddler shivering in the

rain totally exposed , wet, drenched ................

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
how can any man be comfortable as long as a
single child shivers miserably ....in the rain ????

if there was a bucket for change...
There wasn't, reader has what choices?
A. walk on by (which I almost did)
B. transfer the sympathy to ASH (OB did and one other I believe)
C. Point out that this is not really poetry (which I did, which generated x amount of "poems" x amount of names)

I have attempted to answer this, I am beginning to think the failure is not on my end.

You are playing a con game or suffering from some sort of cognitive disorder. Everytime something is presented it is evaded or twisted. Or if somewhat answered, presented back as a lecture.
So where does that leave it?

1. Go back and show me that sex you saw in the "gates of hell". And if you can't find it, come back AND aplogise for the lecture.
2. Tell me how you arrived at the number 30.
3. or (the magic number) I will start leaving scores of 3, and comments.

And quit trieing to needle me, as for PMing me for comments on a poem. Try sending it to OB, I have done enough of that in the past.
And which I kind of find fucking some sort of amazing, since the general drift is I don't know what I'm talking about.
i.e. have you taken any of my advice in the past?

 

[pensivepoet]

Ok, i've got no dog in this hunt (thanks the god of tuba farts) but seeing as i'm strolling through these woods of wild shots zinging my ears, i'm going to chime in once, and once only.
Ash, the poem sucked, and for all the reasons 12 stated.
Personally, i thought the miserable kid was the most egregious pander poetry i've ever read.
I make no claim of being a good poet or poet at all, but i've read a lot of poetry, good and bad.
And i've written stuff i now look back on with disgust.
Has 12 gone over the edge with his criticism?
Sure. This is 12, not mother teresa.
Can't you two just bury your dead and move on?

 

[twelveoone]

probably not

Structure
A is not B
so C becomes the ploy
1. a platitude, etc.
2. similar in a way with some sort of identification
there but for the grace of god go I ploy
3. an interaction
4. a ruse
1&2 are most often writer intrusions
3. is basis for most writing
4. the writer is fucking with you.

 

[twelveoone]

A is not B
so C is...

Stream of Consciousness

A
Here we have a rather extensive list of names, places, things to do. Where GM misses in the list is "I should remember to put the Ring Dings and Ding Dongs in the freezer, they fry up better that way", at least a one stop of comedic relief.

B is
in entirety, and set off in quotes
"Ooh Baby Baby

you feel so big"

C is
A, a continuation of...you've been rused.
And I wasted a whole 40 seconds of my life to find the poem is a riddle, I am so outraged, morally, really...

Actually that is a problem, it is more a riddle than a poem, without the funny. There is no return on this once it is solved.

Greenmountaineer is one of the best writers in this place, but every so often he makes a strategic mistake (don't we all), that said, this 40 seconds that I wasted was better spent than on probably the next four poems.
Whatever they were.

Right now the entire A section no one cares about, serving as a foil for B. There is no backstory on this, no pre-.

He has an uncut stone and thus unset. Suppose this was a short excerpt of a bigger story, where we know Harry and Heather and Kathy and Dick. And the protagonist. We care. Dick I would assume is inside of her and probably a bit of one.

My guess it has probably been done, but what hasn't?

 

[Ashesh9]

Thank you , Pensive

Ok, i've got no dog in this hunt (thanks the god of tuba farts) but seeing as i'm strolling through these woods of wild shots zinging my ears, i'm going to chime in once, and once only.
Ash, the poem sucked, and for all the reasons 12 stated.
Personally, i thought the miserable kid was the most egregious pander poetry i've ever read.
I make no claim of being a good poet or poet at all, but i've read a lot of poetry, good and bad.
And i've written stuff i now look back on with disgust.
Has 12 gone over the edge with his criticism?
Sure. This is 12, not mother teresa.
Can't you two just bury your dead and move on?

Point noted Pensive & thanks for takin' the Time 'n bother : & for gettin' the point across without raisin' my hackles !

 

[pensivepoet]

Ash, just write what you want to write. Write it the way you want to about whatever you want to.
Express yourself honestly
Then publish it or shitcan it, but let it go.
Don't give a sht about criticism.
Consider it, shrug it off
And move on
Feed the beast within
Starve the others
That's all i got

 

[pelegrino]

Ash, just write what you want to write. Write it the way you want to about whatever you want to.
Express yourself honestly
Then publish it or shitcan it, but let it go.
Don't give a sht about criticism.
Consider it, shrug it off
And move on
Feed the beast within
Starve the others
That's all i got

I agree.
Too much fash is been made about a poem (however bad or good) in which the poet described his feelings about something that he saw, in first person, which is his prerogative and one of the main legitimate methods of all elegiac and lyrical poetry (but not the only one).
Even if the poem focuses on the poet's feelings and not on the spectacle that provoked those feelings, I still can't see what is wrong with that.

 

[pensivepoet]

Thanks Pel
I was afraid you dropped in to blast me.
I agree with your summation fully.
But it is a delicate undertaking to attribute altruism to yourself in the first person. It will attract criticism. I'm not saying that ash did, it may have been simply about emotions felt and the reflection on that.
But it was a brush with the border.
And hey, that's fine too
His poem, his choice
Fuck us all, everyone
(apologies to Dickens)

 

[twelveoone]

imo, Ash, it was the perfect word.
as writers, we should not be scared of words - they're our tools. it's a case of choosing the right word, like a jigsaw puzzle piece. the reason why i think it's the perfect word? reasons, actually:

hard sound
layering of meaning
overall context
illustrates the mood of the ''speaker'' and, in this instance, the writer with regards to labels/tags

'damn' would have simply been too soft, not dismissive enough, and lacking the connotations his choice had.

i'm a fan of 12's writing for many reasons, not the least because he never chooses words blindly but looks for the exact one to place in the exact spot it works best. despite this being a reactionary piece, he's used his skills just the same as if it were something he'd worked on for months, if not years. he applies.

thought I'd rankel a bit.

Where or who is the antagonist here?

Mysterious are the works of God.
And later Linda and Tanya discovered
they were lesbians. Fuck Tanya, too.

So why this memory dump now? Well, today, Monday
in the trash are Linda's psycho animals
which Tan-yaa hated even more then she hated me.
Way to go, ya stoopid cunts. Led Zeppelin, too?

HEY, look it's fuckin Pooh!

Tanya, is invisible almost omnipotent identified, with the winos (bankers) who cleaned up who happens to get puked on by a girl by the name of Linda.


Led Zeppelin in the trash? hmmm

Damn is exactly a most redundant word. Fuck not only anticipates...but negates.

Even though our pilgrim has made a distinct lack of progress... Fuck you.

I think the writer snookered you with a sort of Morality Play. I didn't see any sex, did you?

Anybody care for a PB sandwich and pea soup for lunch?
(gates of hell, indeedy) Writer Intervention.