Telling your partner about your fantasies/fetishes

[foxpass]

This sounds so familiar. My SO is the same way, except she seems to like the idea of being 'naughty' without actually indulging in it. So the promise or the prospect of doing something out of the ordinary is there, but not carried through. That builds a wall in me, of 'if it's never going to happen, why should I get worked up over it?' Even denial as a fetish accepts the possibility of fulfillment at some time.
Sorry, I'll get off my high horse now...

thanks for sharing

That sounds extremely frustrating. I feel for you.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Hey hey guys...

Get with the modern world. You ARE here on LitE. You ARE having relationships (of a sort)with people declaring their interests and kinks and things right here. THIS IS THE PLACE you have any chance at all of reaching a fuller level of communication when it comes to those matters.

People are so SO multi-facetted, in my view, that WHAT they function as in one way (husband, wife, provider, mother, father) they might not do in another (consensually rough rapist!). This age-old assumption that simply running into someone that looks the part in one role can ever necessarily mean they can fit into another required role does not fit in with any experience of real life anywhere, at anytime in history, ever. In spite of religious narratives or pop psychology on television to the contrary.

The fact is, deep erotic desires are deep BECAUSE they are also potentially very confronting, and I think that means they CAN only be approached with other people who CLEARLY SHOW they are already able to face them somewhat. You can't confuse acceptance of one social and sexual role with acceptance of all of what is potentially there - it's a bad mistake to hope for that because you will never ever get it. Never. Ever. And that's reality. You're potentially leading yourself on if you think otherwise. People's facets are too many and too widely apart.

But I could be wrong, of course... But only in very rare cases from what can be ascertained through the recorded stories of humans down through centuries! I think people place a lot of pressure on themselves to attain things that are very unrealistic.

 

[Kitschshaman]

That sounds extremely frustrating. I feel for you.

I thank you. I didn't mean to indulge in a pity party, I do find relief here in a fantastical sort of way and let my mind flow where and how it will. My writings here show a little of that. I don't know how old your SO is, but I'm 55 and the desire to do things a little more adventurous has not paled. In fact if anything those feelings have grown stronger. The trouble is the perception, I'm feeling the same things I did at 20, but now that I'm 55 I'm suddenly a dirty old pervert! Mayhaps something like that's your SO's fear, how others will perceive him? That might be a reason for being reluctant to share what is really on his mind. I don't know, just my little ad hoc psychology, but that could be a reason. Just a thought.
take care,

 

[creampieluvr79]

So, question to all you people who have dark and taboo fantasies/fetishes. Does your partner know about them? Did you tell him or her? How far into the relationship did you tell?

I've been going out with a guy for a few months. We've just started having sex, so I haven't told him yet. I feel like I'm ready to share this part of me with him, but I don't want him to freak out. He's sweet and considerate and from what I've seen his tastes are pretty vanilla. I have fantasies about being taken roughly and against my will.

So, is it too soon? If no, how do I broach the subject?

I would agree with many of the other posters. Tell your partner that you're interested in discussing your fantasies, both yours and his. If his tastes do extend beyond the "vanilla" he may be hesitant to bring those interests up because you haven't either.

Try to bring up at least some of your more taboo fantasies and try to gauge his reaction and see what fantasies he'll own up to he may surprise you.

My wife and I first started discussing our fantasies a few months into our relationship but it took longer than that for both of us to "work up to" our deepest fantasies.

 

[Ncaligirl]

Very difficult with my husband. Seems open sometimes, but then shuts down when I bring them up again. He's older and more experienced and I get the suspicion that he thinks he's "over" being adventurous.

Oh boy do I feel your pain with that one, I'm in the same boat

 

[maggiemarie]

Oh boy do I feel your pain with that one, I'm in the same boat

Sad to hear, but maybe Lit will help give you some ideas on how to broach the subject...and some new ideas for when you do

 

[jackflash81]

hey, I find Lit is so good for getting ideas and opinions on a number of things.

My other half is the same as others to be honest, opens up sometimes, and in the occassional moment we talk openly and say that something may happen, and then in the morning, forgotten.

x

 

[analgirl69]

It took us 5 years. (We were only 15 when we started dating. I dropped tons of hints saying I liked kinky things, but I don't think he got it. I was his first, so I mistakenly thought he just must be too vanilla for much more than missionary and maybe cowgirl. Turns out he was just shy.

After 5 years, I asked if he wanted to fuck my ass (thinking he would be freaked out since we never did anything out of the norm) and when I felt him get hard, I knew it was game on. Hurt for the next many times, but we figured it out.

Fast forward a few years and we do all sorts of kinky things now that anal opened the doors..but I still want him to be dominating (I like being submissive) and a bit rougher (maybe some hard throat fucking too. I like a bit of pain..) but he seems to be quiet and reserved about that and changes the subject. I wanted to inspire him to be more aggressive and passionate, so I went to see what kind of porn he was watching so I could replicate it.. and oh boy. LOL. Anal fisting and massive plugs. Wasn't my cup of tea before I saw that but now I can't stop thinking about it. I mentioned to him we could try that and he seemed nervous and shy at first, saying he didn't want to hurt me, etc until I insisted I wanted to and he then fucked me like he hadn't had me in a month. Freakin' awesome. Lol. Waiting for our new toy in the mail and we will explore this fetish of his.. while I explore mine of being owned by him for his pleasure.

 

[RuReal]

Yes my partner does know about them. It has been a long road and we have both found out a great deal about each other. Not even sure how it started I have always been pretty open about normal sexual stuff, but the kinky stuff did not come out fully until 6 years or so into our relationship. After our first discussion we sat down with a book and went over a list of our kinks and what we were interested in.

The funny part is I found the list the other day when we were doing some cleanup and I am amazed at how much we have changed and how far we have gone down the rabbit hole. We were also a bit sad about all of the time we wasted not talking to each other about what we wanted sooner.

 

[Deleted member 1405174]

I share all of my fantasies with the mrs while we are both maturbating at the same time, then she carries one of them out when I absolutely do not expect it, always keeping me guessing.

 

[strapon_tales]

There's a reason I don't: trying to justify it. To me, a lot of fetishes are inexplicable; I don't know why I have them / why I like certain things, and trying to explain it rationally to another person with a completely different aspect on the situation, is problematic.

And hence, my favourite sentence of all: "I just don't understand."

 

[Deleted member 1405174]

There's a reason I don't: trying to justify it. To me, a lot of fetishes are inexplicable; I don't know why I have them / why I like certain things, and trying to explain it rationally to another person with a completely different aspect on the situation, is problematic.

And hence, my favourite sentence of all: "I just don't understand."

Makes sense, I have some desiers that I could never explain why. Maybe curiosity, maybe just want to be crazy, maybe....I understand not beaing able to explain why I like/want something, the only explanation for alot of my desiers is "I just want it".

 

[strapon_tales]

Makes sense, I have some desiers that I could never explain why. Maybe curiosity, maybe just want to be crazy, maybe....I understand not beaing able to explain why I like/want something, the only explanation for alot of my desiers is "I just want it".

Exactly. Next time she asks, I might just say that.