The Best medicine

[Rybka]

The bronze rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"


Regards, Rybka

 

[Rybka]

Sperm Jar

90 year old Henry went to the Dr. for a check up and was pronounced very healthy for his age, but on the way out he asked the Dr for a sperm test.

The Dr. was amazed, but old Henry insisted, he wanted to prove to his wife that he "still had it". So the Dr. gave old Henry a jar and told him to bring it back later.

A few hours later, a dejected old Henry came into the Dr's office
carrying the empty jar. The Dr. asked what had happened and old Henry said,

"Well, I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand...My wife, she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out… and neither one of us can get the lid off this damn jar!"


Regards, Rybka

 

[Rybka]

Aussie Humor

Reg, the Hairy one, was tending bar at the club in Karratha, W.A. one evening, when a beautiful shelia came up to him at the bar.

"G'day mate. Are you the manager?" she asked him.

"No," Reg replied, "I'm just tending bar, tonight."

"Well," she said, "Is the manager here?"

"No," Reg told her, "I'm the only one here at the moment."

"Oh?" she said as she moved even closer to Reg. Smiling, she began to stroke his beard and she whispered in a sultry voice, "Then perhaps you can help me."

"Sure," our Hairy friend, whispered back, as the shelia continued to curl his whiskers around her fingers and run them down through his beard. "Anything you want, darlin!"

"Thank you," she said throatily, "I have a little problem and I can see that you are going to be a big help!"

"Glad to help ya, lil' lady. What's yer problem?" our mateo asked as he puffed out his chest and smiled down at her.

She continued to run her hands through his beard as she drew Reg very close and tickled a soft coo into his ear. "There's no toilet paper in the ladies' loo, mate!"


Regards, Rybka

 

[Rybka]

Letter home from a boy scout

Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chadb said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake! It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and
buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Brandon

P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?



Regards, Rybka

 

[Rybka]

Ladies' Night Out

Angeline and WickedEve went out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

Angeline did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to wipe hersellf and then discarded them.

WickedEve, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking each other on the phone, and Angeline's husband says to Innocent Adam, " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

Artless Adam responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".



Regards, Rybka

 

[Rybka]

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AS I MATURED

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutees. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen.

If not...tough shit


Regards,           Rybka

 

[_Land]

HEHEHE

You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
Me neither." .... Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." .... Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night." .... Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." .... Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
.... Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." .... George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationships." .... Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
.... Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
.... Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." .... Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
.... Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." .... Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" .... Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
.... Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." .... Rod Steward

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." .... Robin Williams

 

[beths-virtue]

sarcasm and online dating

Personal Ads Decoder

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish: 49
Adventurer: Slept with all your friends
Athletic: No tits
Average looking: Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated: Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Feminist: Fat ballbuster
Free spirit: Junkie
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud and embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk
Poet: Depressive schizophrenic
Professional: .Certified bitch
Redhead: Bad dye-job
Reubenesque: Grossly fat
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Social: Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous: Very fat
Weight proportionate w/ height: Hugely fat
Wants Soulmate: Stalker
Widow: Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart: Old bat

MEN'S ADS

40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated: Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit: Banging your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking: Arrogant
Very good looking: Dumb as a board
Honest: Pathological liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy
Mature: Older than your father
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive: Gay
Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he farts

 

[_Land]

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's
just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the
wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean
your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me
the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean
that morality comes
from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.


Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? How about Quasimodo
?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


=====
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath
away.

 

[_Land]

Pay attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[beths-virtue]

yeach!!!!
thats disgusting, :S yechy.....

once again , however , proves the importance of correct fingering techniques....

 

[_Land]

THE HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad
is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a
virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."

So he took 4 tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and
wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and goes on their
honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said,
"You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says,
"You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and
replies.....

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!"

 

[beths-virtue]

evil joke list

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?