The Darker Sorts of Corners

[im_a_voyeur]

I'm the type who gets bored easily real fast so I like to pace myself when it comes to things. In my last relationship, things went by so quickly that it got to a point where threesomes were boring and other activities would just get a snore out of me. There's so much of a 'been there, done that attitude' that there's little that excites me. There are a few things that I didn't get to explore because my PYL wasn't interested in them so I do have some stuff to hopefully get excited about in the future in my next relationship.

 

[rosco rathbone]

There's a hell of a lot to be said for saving things.

I've been doing that all along; sort of on instinct.

 

[BiBunny]

I've done all kinds of edgy shit, so that's not really that big of a deal to me anymore. Play is play. I just find myself sinking deeper and deeper into submission. (Yes, that's a dumb way to put it, but I couldn't come up with anything better.) I keep telling myself that there's no way it's healthy to need to put him so far above everything in my life, but I can't stop it. It's like the more he gives me, the more I need. A very large part of me hates myself for it, but I keep going, anyway.

 

[graceanne]

There's a hell of a lot to be said for saving things.

I've been doing that all along; sort of on instinct.

I do that. Partly because of time restrains and money restraints, but also cause I want there to continue to be interesting things to do that I haven't done.

 

[CutieMouse]

Okie doke... kids are duct taped to their beds (lord it was a long day today), the wine glass is sitting on the desk, I'm sucking on a cough drop (I'd rather be sucking on something more interesting...), and we're ready for bulk thinking/responding phase two. Again, thank you all for giving me such insightful posts to mull over.

deeper darker can make you weirder and dangerous and a lot of folks don't really like that. I see me as walking a tight rope and occasionally needing to see how far i can lean one way before i fall.

Deeper/darker does tend to make one hmmm... fringier? Given that mainstream is called mainstream for a reason, and even the most alternative social construct has some degree of mainstream-ness to it (I'm inventing words all over the place tonight), it does make sense that balancing, yet embracing, those deeper/darker aspects could make others uncomfortable... the question is when do I listen to the little voice in my head urging me on, and when do I pay attention to the nagging questions raised by the discomfort of others?

i am similar... snapping back the other direction and its even hotter.

Daddy can be downright vanilla... except... i get this sense that in a weird way i am what makes it kinky between us because i am so... fucked i guess.

95% of the time I'm about as vanilla/boring/distant and reserved as one can possible get. LOL I don't normally pull back the curtain... if I do, it's either because I trust the person (which tends to take years to accomplish), or I had a slip of the tongue moment. Which I try very very hard not to have. It really is sort of a dual existance...

Oh I am too. I decided I had to have an adventure. Try being a prodomme for a year, it'll jog right out of your system if it gets to be a problem. LOL.

Not. Enough. Energy.

I actually sort of did that, though... fell head over heels in love with a submissive man who felt "true" intimacy meant we'd each step outside our comfort zones, providing the other with an opportunity to prove his/her love through submission... apparently I'm rather good at it [Topping]; unfortunately, it led me down the path of anxiety attacks [due to pressure to preform] and heartbreak.

thinking about it, i feel like i definitely have gone further into my dark corners, deeper into those spots i would previously left alone. knifeplay, cuttings, permanent markings... these were all things i never dreamed of doing myself. i believe there were actually posts i made a few years ago saying i would never ever get a brand, but sure enough there is a puzzle piece lightly branded on my leg. singletails were things i now realize i have thought about for a long time, but if you asked me a year ago i would have vehmonently denied it. slavery, surrender 24 hours a day, was a frightening concept i would have run from previously. no doubt in my mind i no live in the "dark corners" of the past few years. oddly, they dont seem as dark now.

As little as I've lived, there are so many things that no longer seem as "dark" as they used to... a mixture of things tried and yet to try... still scary, but not as frightening as they used to be. I like to believe it's because of a growing acceptance, a growing comfort in who/what I am, but I'm never 100% sure...

Me too.

Except in my case, on one hand, I desperately want to just jump, and on the other, am utterly terrified of doing so.

The darker corners of my mind scare me.

Actually, thinking further on it, the way those corners make me feel is what actually scares me.

I do not jump.

I think I've tried jumping in the past, in my own fledgling, faltering way - only to fall flat on my face [metaphorical broken nose and all]. I'm not sure what it would take to make me jump anymore, but I suspect it would take a hell of a lot.

I do agree that it isn't so much the corners that are scary, as my reaction to them [how they make me feel].

I've been thinking on this thread since it first was posted.

I think that the reason you 'continually go deeper, darker, harder' is because, at heart, we're adrenaline junkies. What was new, and gave us that rush, that fix, before hand is old news now. So we have to look for something new to give us that rush.

Remember when the idea of a spanking was just . . . well, you know. Spankings are still hot, sexy, and enough to make a girl WET! But, now you need a harder spanking, or a caning, or a whipping or other things involved. Why? Cause spankings have become the norm, the same.

But what about when caning becomes normal? Then you have to go looking for a new fix. Something newer, harder, and darker to try.

I've considered that - the adrenalin rush theory. I don't think that's it; I haven't lived enough to get addicted to the adrenalin hit. I think I'm still in the process of getting to know "me", and coming to grips with what "me" means...

I'm the type who gets bored easily real fast so I like to pace myself when it comes to things. In my last relationship, things went by so quickly that it got to a point where threesomes were boring and other activities would just get a snore out of me. There's so much of a 'been there, done that attitude' that there's little that excites me. There are a few things that I didn't get to explore because my PYL wasn't interested in them so I do have some stuff to hopefully get excited about in the future in my next relationship.

There's a hell of a lot to be said for saving things.

I've been doing that all along; sort of on instinct.

I am slow as molasses in the middle of an Alaskan winter; not a lot of fools rush in/BTDT here. *chuckles* I suspect, though, that there will always be something new around the corner... I remain ever easily caught off guard.

I've done all kinds of edgy shit, so that's not really that big of a deal to me anymore. Play is play. I just find myself sinking deeper and deeper into submission. (Yes, that's a dumb way to put it, but I couldn't come up with anything better.) I keep telling myself that there's no way it's healthy to need to put him so far above everything in my life, but I can't stop it. It's like the more he gives me, the more I need. A very large part of me hates myself for it, but I keep going, anyway.

As odd as it may sound, I did that with Motherhood for a very long time... got that really really Focused thing going - right up until I burned myself out. I don't want that [the burning out thing] to happen with my sexuality, my passion, my [someday] beloved... I acknowledge I am in a "deeper" place re: [general] submission than I was when I started sorting myself out a few years ago, but I remain mindful of the lessons from my personal history...

 

[eastern sun]

I've considered that - the adrenalin rush theory. I don't think that's it; I haven't lived enough to get addicted to the adrenalin hit. I think I'm still in the process of getting to know "me", and coming to grips with what "me" means...

I think I understand this. I have spent years and years getting to know "me," and been utterly astounded at what was revealed. Only to admit to myself later that all signs had been pointing that way since the beginning.

It was helpful to remove the connotations of "bad" from the idea of "dark," if that makes sense. We're all full of "dark" and "light" elements. Kind of like our fingerprint, it's what makes us what we are.

Our mythology leads us to think we should somehow remove the darkness and fill it with light, or walk away from the dark side and turn towards the light, or whatever metaphor works. . . . It's a balanced dance of dark and light that seems more honest to me. (I am not ready for sainthood by a long shot)

The good news is that if you think you will like something, and you try it, and you find out you don't like it after all, you're still on the same journey of getting to know "you."

And if you're careful, and don't get blinded in the escalating adrenalin rush, you won't be hurt in the process. At least not more than "you" can handle.

 

[graceanne]

Okie doke... kids are duct taped to their beds (lord it was a long day today), the wine glass is sitting on the desk, I'm sucking on a cough drop (I'd rather be sucking on something more interesting...), and we're ready for bulk thinking/responding phase two. Again, thank you all for giving me such insightful posts to mull over.

Got any duct tape to share?

Kids.

I've considered that - the adrenalin rush theory. I don't think that's it; I haven't lived enough to get addicted to the adrenalin hit. I think I'm still in the process of getting to know "me", and coming to grips with what "me" means...

I can see that, too. Honestly, you've never come across to me as the adrenaline junkie type. Beyond that, you're still new enough to BDSM that that makes sense.

But, I think that a large majority of people who keep looking for the darker corners are doing it for that reason. Especially those who've been in this 'lifestyle' for awhile and continue to look for the 'new' thing to do.

 

[Homburg]

Fantastic thread, and I need to peruse it a bit more. (In other words, I've not read anyone else's response. If I'm being repetitive, please forgive me)

Honestly, I don't find what I'm doing to be in the dark corners. I walked over here, I got into it, and turned the lights on to figure out what it is. That stuff I still won't do? Yeah, that shit's dark, but I'm not that dark. Nah.

It's a matter of perspective. You could subsitute "kinky" for "dark" here too. The old saying "It's only kinky the first time" comes to mind. Hell, I used to think branding was insane. No, I didn't use a branding iron or cautery pen, but I branded both my girls anyway. Cutting is the same way. Dark, scary, wooo. Nah, just me, a sharp knife, and some clean-up afterwards. What's dark about that? It ain't like we're talking Vore here.

 

[graceanne]

I think a lot of things that seem 'dark' stop being when you 'turn on the light'. In other words, you learn about them. You talk to people who do them. You realize that it's not that scary, it's not that weird, and once those barriers in your mind go down, then you realize it's seriously HOT. *fans self*

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I do like leaving things in dark corners. I feel that if I shed light on things too soon then I'll lose some of the pleasure of the journey. Some of my darker corners are things that Master enjoys and I endure because I want to please him. Others are limits I thought would have been enduring and mutual but have been explored over time and trust. I do have a pervasive sense of 'when/where-will-it-end' but I think I'll enjoy finding out. My moral compass is too finely tuned for me to do anything too stupid or reckless but I do still wonder when I'm alone in my head, just what it will take to really disturb me if Master and I continue down the meandering humiliation/degradation route we've taken lately.

I have snuff fantasies and other proclivities that I find hard to admit even to myself. Some of my dark corners are places I'm genuinely afraid to explore. I know here on the BDSM forums fuckedupness is a virtue but there are facets to my submissive/masochistic personality that I really don't want to examine too closely.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I have snuff fantasies and other proclivities that I find hard to admit even to myself. Some of my dark corners are places I'm genuinely afraid to explore. I know here on the BDSM forums fuckedupness is a virtue but there are facets to my submissive/masochistic personality that I really don't want to examine too closely.

I'm the same. And I'm scared that if I go there, I'll like it *too* much and I won't come back.

 

[ShyVixen]

Some of my dark corners are places I'm genuinely afraid to explore.

I'm just picking that sentence out of Velvet's post, mainly because that is how I feel. I do have dark corners.

What once seemed like a limit, even a hard limit, are maybe not so hard anymore.

Until I have the courage to shed some light on the dark corners, I'm choosing to leave them well alone.

 

[Netzach]

Fantastic thread, and I need to peruse it a bit more. (In other words, I've not read anyone else's response. If I'm being repetitive, please forgive me)

Honestly, I don't find what I'm doing to be in the dark corners. I walked over here, I got into it, and turned the lights on to figure out what it is. That stuff I still won't do? Yeah, that shit's dark, but I'm not that dark. Nah.

It's a matter of perspective. You could subsitute "kinky" for "dark" here too. The old saying "It's only kinky the first time" comes to mind. Hell, I used to think branding was insane. No, I didn't use a branding iron or cautery pen, but I branded both my girls anyway. Cutting is the same way. Dark, scary, wooo. Nah, just me, a sharp knife, and some clean-up afterwards. What's dark about that? It ain't like we're talking Vore here.

This is kind of how I always felt about my own stuff. Dark, to me, is a question of motive - the people I didn't understand who had substance problems the whole time they were doing this to feed - that's human darkness. I'm just kind of *weird* not scary.

But the fact remains - among the scary people it was always a question of more harder better and an act that never crossed over to actually touch the bottom. Sometimes that's not true, and those are the people who play really hard but still hang onto the ability to reach for the white hat. I was encouraged to ditch that part of my humanity and fuck, glad I can't.

And I can also relate well to the submissive masochists who are saying "flashlight not always wanted" - I definitely have a whole realm of things that I think are better left untried, untested, and unexamined, because I don't really want to make news of the weird. They fly at me on little leathery batwings while I'm half awake or masturbating and I like to let them go rather than catch and tag every one.

 

[Homburg]

And I can also relate well to the submissive masochists who are saying "flashlight not always wanted" - I definitely have a whole realm of things that I think are better left untried, untested, and unexamined, because I don't really want to make news of the weird. They fly at me on little leathery batwings while I'm half awake or masturbating and I like to let them go rather than catch and tag every one.

Nope. Doesn't happen to me at all. Apparently my sexual fantasy section of the brain is either offline or very, very muted, as I don't get loads of sex fantasies like most people apparently do. And I don't sit there generally and have twisted dark scary fantasies either. I've had a few moments of attraction to ideas/places/people that probably weren't entirely appropriate, but nothing that would land me on News of the Weird.

Now I *used* to be nervous around my own dark corners, but it was largely because I had no idea what was in them. Once I checked, no big deal. I think the big turnaround happened after I did a consensual non-consent scene for the first time. I was so worried that I would like it. Nope, made me feel all sorts of skeevy. Once that happened, I figured that I could trust myself enough to poke around the darker areas.

 

[Netzach]

Nope. Doesn't happen to me at all. Apparently my sexual fantasy section of the brain is either offline or very, very muted, as I don't get loads of sex fantasies like most people apparently do. And I don't sit there generally and have twisted dark scary fantasies either. I've had a few moments of attraction to ideas/places/people that probably weren't entirely appropriate, but nothing that would land me on News of the Weird.

Now I *used* to be nervous around my own dark corners, but it was largely because I had no idea what was in them. Once I checked, no big deal. I think the big turnaround happened after I did a consensual non-consent scene for the first time. I was so worried that I would like it. Nope, made me feel all sorts of skeevy. Once that happened, I figured that I could trust myself enough to poke around the darker areas.

Mine are very expressionistic and non narrative. They kind of play like snippets of Un Chien Andalou and that's sometimes kind of disturbing.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Mine are very expressionistic and non narrative. They kind of play like snippets of Un Chien Andalou and that's sometimes kind of disturbing.

Yes, I'm very much like this. I can masturbate to orgasm without anything identifiable as a coherent thought occurring at any time. Nevertheless, my head and I cover a lot of ground that way, floating above it all and not really touching on anything.

 

[Homburg]

Mine are very expressionistic and non narrative. They kind of play like snippets of Un Chien Andalou and that's sometimes kind of disturbing.

I can imagine. Sort of. Well, not in a visceral sense, but in a sort of detached rational, nod-and-say-yeah sense.

Things like this make me wonder what is wrong with my brain.

 

[graceanne]

Things like this make me wonder what is wrong with my brain.

That's the only thing?

 

[Homburg]

That's the only thing?

Did you see that part where I said "Things like this"? The "s" on the end of "thing" generally implies plural. Generally.

 

[intothewoods]

Yes, I'm very much like this. I can masturbate to orgasm without anything identifiable as a coherent thought occurring at any time. Nevertheless, my head and I cover a lot of ground that way, floating above it all and not really touching on anything.

Yes.

I no longer feel any need to act out whatever pops into my head. I mean, sometimes a particular thing just floats my boat, but that doesn't' mean I want to "take it to the next level." I guess that's my answer to the question of are you always wanting more? Um, not really, not recently anyway. It may be a reaction to feeling like I've had enough free fall in my life, but I'm not sure.

 

[graceanne]

Did you see that part where I said "Things like this"? The "s" on the end of "thing" generally implies plural. Generally.

Oh. Good point. Cause I was going to say that the whole liking to tie people up and then cut them would be a dead give away that something's not ... quite ... right.

I know it was the liking to be spanked the kinda clued me in.

 

[Homburg]

Oh. Good point. Cause I was going to say that the whole liking to tie people up and then cut them would be a dead give away that something's not ... quite ... right.

I know it was the liking to be spanked the kinda clued me in.

Exactly.

On other fronts, I did a cutting last night. Sat down and carved my initial into MIS. Damned fine time.

Guess what? The lights were on. No dark corners at all.

 

[graceanne]

Exactly.

On other fronts, I did a cutting last night. Sat down and carved my initial into MIS. Damned fine time.

Guess what? The lights were on. No dark corners at all.

Sex is the best when the lights are on.

 

[myinnerslut]

Exactly.

On other fronts, I did a cutting last night. Sat down and carved my initial into MIS. Damned fine time.

see AV

 

[rida]

MIS: nice carving!

Sex is the best when the lights are on.

I don't think I ever had sex with the lights off ... unless it was the middle of the afternoon or we count being fucked while half asleep in the early morning

See? Nothing dark here

ETA: I do not see what ever I do as dark. Weird or odd or not the norm, but not dark. Than again I do not have really many secret fantasies ... usually by the time I've been able to articulate a liking or a fantasy I am pretty much ready to try it out. Otherwise they stay in the limbo of flashing fleeting thoughts and visions.

Also, the "needing more to get the same adrenalin rush" does not work for me. If it was for the adrenaline I'd love roller coaster and I do not (they make me mad). On the other hand Hubby seems to have finally got to feel comfortable checking some of what he considered his dark corners and I wonder if I should worry ... as he is talking needles ... and I.HATE.NEEDLES.