The difference between a Dominant male and a pushy male.

[Pashenry]

Chicken? Egg?

A Dominant male will never have to state “IM a strong Dominant Male”,
A submissive will feel it and she will respond.

A Dominant male will not push a submissive into moving faster than she feels comfortable with.
Nor will He make her feel wrong for wanting to get to know Him and/or needing His patience and understanding to do so.

A true Dominant male will wait until the submissive wants Him to touch her so bad she can't stand it.

A Dominant male will get into the submissive's mind and learn what she needs.

A true Dominant male will be in control of HIS mind and body because if He can't control himself how will He ever learn to control His submissive.

A Dominant male will go after and pursue what He wants by making sure she wants him.
He is a Master of control and seduction not pushy and full of arrogance.

There are many many things that distinguish a Dominant male from pushy male.
Please feel free to share the ones that mean the most to you.


lil vixen

I AGREE TO PARAGRAH 1,2,4,6 being chrateristics used in my present ongoing Sub Dom Relationship. Its ongoing any other way would be pushy in my opinion. Intuition by the Dom assures the senairio. The Sub has the power of no. I never get a no. So for us it works. The true definition does not mater it's the action that counts.

 

[CutieMouse]

Ultimately, for me, the defining line is compatibility. Because my opinion of dominant vs pushy asshole is just that - MY opinion.

There are men with whom I've attempted relationships that would be excellent partners... for someone else, but there was something about them that triggered a "stop being such a dick" response in me.

For example, a lot of pyl-types turn into gooey little puddles of jelly when their soft limits get "pushed". I've come to realize that crap just pisses me off. I don't want (or need) someone to "push" me; I need someone who complements me (as I complement them).

So "pushy asshole" vs "dominant is pretty subjective...

 

[DudeA]

Dude, you can't have it both ways. You can't say we'll go by the standard BDSM definition and then switch to your own. Besides, there really is no standard definition of a dominant. That you have one in your head that includes being ethical is a good thing, but that's neither standard one universal.

The line that would separate BDSM from abuse is basically, consent. The only reason we could say that BDSM is not abuse is that there's consent from both parties involved. There has to be consent, or otherwise it would no longer be BDSM and it would be more like an abusive relationship. Looking from the outside, people would most likely think that it's just abuse.

I don't think that being ethical is a definition of a dominant, but it would depend on whether we would bring ethics into BDSM or not. I don't necessarily agree that as long as there's consent, it's "anything goes" or "free for all" (that's why we have concepts like SSC and RACK). Again, this is where we bring ethics into BDSM. If we were actually concerned about the mental and physical health of the people involved in BDSM, then it would be a good idea to try to separate what is healthy BDSM and what is basically an abuse.

Some might say, "But it's hotter when there's no consent, when it's more forced", but that would be more bordering on abuse, not BDSM. Does it "work" for them, maybe, but it would still be more like abuse. We might define such relationship as an abusive one.

Is being "pushy" just a matter of opinion... well yes. But we can try to separate and wade through what is more like consensual BDSM between healthy people, and what is more like abuse between unhealthy people.

 

[Etoile]

There is no such thing as "a true Dom."

This, goddammit. Fucking THIS.

it even says that a true dominant is xyz. That's always problematic in this corner of Lit.

Oh man, I'm predictable.

Ooookay. Hm.

Let me add some reality:

Woman A loves rough hard sex, but has terrible self-esteem.
Woman B loves degradation, but was sexually abused as child.

The humiliation and degradation that woman B craves would completely and utterly destroy woman A, while tieing up woman B and turning her into a helpless fuckdoll would trigger her issues and earn her another session with the shrink.

And now you want to teach people what is wrong and what is right in a universal checklist of "Do's" and "Don'ts"?

Nothing to add, just quoting for truth. Primalex is right on the fucking money. (Speaking as a Woman A.)

 

[malefica]

Pushy is someone who doesn't respect boundaries, does not listen to the submissive's wishes and ignores limits and safewords. A Dominant can gently push boundaries, and can even try and help a submissive to get past or to broaden their limits, but listening to when they say stop is I'd say the main defining factor - and, of course, aftercare.

I personally enjoy being forced, to varying degrees depending on the scenario. But the difference between my Dom being pushy or not is when he listens to my words and watches my body language to know the difference between 'no' being part of the scene, and 'no' being STOP NOW.

 

[Primalex]

I personally enjoy being forced, to varying degrees depending on the scenario. But the difference between my Dom being pushy or not is

Force me to do it but don't be pushy!




See, I know what you mean but you can't just change the semantic of words just to please the original poster. When you are at the border, there is a difference between a nudge with the elbow and dragging her over it like a truck in a strongest-man-competition while she screams and cries.

"A dominant is only one who sits next to her at the border, playing Solitaire on his phone while he waits for her to move over it on her own, because his awesomeness does it all automagically" is either outright wrong or naive, whatever label the original poster prefers.

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

I would also like to add that just because a person is abusive and narcissistic it doesn't mean they are not a Dom. They are in fact a very abusive and manipulative Dom, who hurts their partner.

When entering into a Ds relationship, hard limits and boundaries is what makes things healthy and happy for both people in the relationship or three or four people it the relationship is poly amorous.

Sam xx

 

[lilvixen2016]

I feel it's important to build trust in any relationship.
When you turn over control to another you want to know you are safe and that you can trust they will take care of you in any situation they lead you into.

My original post were my thoughts after I met a new Dom.
We talked about taking things slow and getting to know each other. He was not patient with me and our views on taking it slow and getting to know each other were very different. He was pushing for us to have sex right away.

We had more talks in the first week of when we would have sex than about getting to know each other.
I explained my feelings several times that I was not ready and was only asking for his patient in letting me get to know him and I didn’t feel comfortable yet. He would say he understood and then the very next time it started all over again. He made me feel like I am being unreasonable and that my views on when were unrealistic.

I admit when it comes to being with someone sexually I don't just hop in the bed or play with someone I don't care about. This seems to be very old fashion in the lifestyle. I don't judge others if they like to play with who ever and or when ever but that is just not me. I am very up front about this and always state where I stand.

This trait doesn't make me less of a submissive.

Maybe this sheds a little light on my post and where my mind was.
It's not a ALL or non kind of post but in my mind; like someone said it's a starting point for any relationship trust and respect.

In the end he was not what I consider a Dom looking for a sub, he was a bully trying to push some one he thought was weaker than him into having sex.

 

[SpunThings]

You pursue relationships your way. Plenty of people date just like they do in vanilla relationships. Anyone who says you're not a submissive because you don't do it their way is trying to manipulate you, or doesn't realize how many ways there are to do this.

Just like it's not cool for them to say you're not a submissive, it's not cool for you to say they're not a dominant. Not your dominant for sure, an ass maybe even a jerk. They may find someone else who is totally into what they're looking for. People who do this thing are just as human as people who are in vanilla relationships. Please don't fall into the trap of idealizing dominants. Even good dominants, and dominants who would be compatible with you will have flaws, and make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes will suck for you. Even the wisest leaders fuck up sometimes.

 

[CutieMouse]

In the end he was not what I consider a Dom looking for a sub, he was a bully trying to push some one he thought was weaker than him into having sex.

Or, he would be the perfect dominant for someone else, but was incompatible with you.

Incompatibility doesn't = not dominant, not real, bully, etc. I just means you aren't compatible.

 

[lilvixen2016]

yes you are very right we were very incomparable.

 

[cascadiabound]

Some quotes I found that might be worth adding to this conversation:

"Dominance whispers, it needn’t shout. A genuine Dominant just quietly takes the reins…or I could also say reigns The one thing I know to be true about a Dominant or Alpha male is that they have broad shoulders. Not in the physical sense..but on an emotional level. Years ago, I said to someone I knew, who had quite a bit of complicated business matters to handle..’ how do you deal with all of it?’ And he smiled and simply said ‘ my shoulders are broad.’ Everything was handled with grace and quiet. In my opinion, genuine Dominance is inherent. Life just has a way of making those traits more apparent as time goes on, and those traits extend to every level."

From Dominant in Seattle

I would suggest, as others have, that being dominant is not always easily observable in public life, any more than being submissive is observable. There is no one size or one set of characteristics. And one person's "pushy" is another's "just right". One person's kind domination, may not be enough for another. This is the dance we all must engage in as we seek to find partners that meet the Goldilocks test.

and additional thoughts - also from Dominant in Seattle:

"While both “controlling” men and Dominant men desire control, “controlling” men are not Dominant men.

The difference lies in that Dominant men exercise control. From what I have observed of truly Dominant men, they consider the ultimate measure of their control to be their control of themselves first. Most excel at it. And while the majority of Dominants do indeed desire control in all things, they do not need to ask for nor demand it of others because they do not need the submission of others to justify their Dominance. Rather, more often than not, their exercise of control ~not their desire for it~ is what inspires the submission of others ~both male and female~.

Simply stated: Knowing whether a man is “controlling” or whether he exercises control is the defining element for whether he is truly a “Dominant” man."

 

[Miasorrow]

1. A timid, meek, shy person can suddenly transform into an extremely dominant person behind closed doors with someone they trust and the only reason they act so shy is because they are scared of how people would react if they ever found out who they really were inside.

Not everyone wants a disinterested dom who seems like they could do without you. Lots of subs love to feel intensely desired, that their dom simply can't help themselves around them, they crave them, they need them, that they are completely overcome with lust at the mere sight of the sub doing something arousing, at the mere sound of that sexy, begging voice, and simply must have them this very second.

A dominant man may or may not be pushy. There is no such thing as "a true Dom." Relationships and encounters work between people who communicate and find someone with similar kinks or desire to explore. There is no one right way to be Dominant or submissive.

Why would dominants be immune to abuse from submissives?
Dominants are people and people are vulnerable in relationships.
The opinions of others aren't always easy to brush off, especially if they come from someone you value or if you are a bit new and insecure in a relationship or a situation.
Submissives can be manipulative.

The only universal I've found for BDSM dominant is someone who identifies as a dominant, and wants the authority end of power exchange in a relationship. That's it.

I really appreciate the above opinions. Compatibility is the key.

 

[policywank]

For me the height of dominance is to be able to get what I want with a look or a motion. The more subtly and easily I can bring a man to heel the more dominant I feel and the more submissive he seems to me. But of course many people (Dom or Sub) prefer a more aggressive or pushy style. Either that is their way of dominating or a part of the experience that they enjoy and I understand that too.

Sometimes my ability to dominate with the subtlest of methods is because I asserted myself previous in a more aggressive way. Whatever the mix of methods the goal is to dominate in a way that both I and my Sub enjoy and appreciate.

Aggression can be a very meaningful aspect of dominance. It is not synonymous with dominance and is not always necessary or desirable. I make the distinction based upon whether their is any purpose to the aggression as opposed to being a gratuitous venting. But the interplay between us and what we see as "purpose" is so intimate and personal that I know of no way that any other person could make that distinction. When I am being an aggressive bitch only he and I are aware that the telltale subtle goose flesh and raised hairs on his neck are evidence that there is a bolt of pleasure running up and down his spine.

 

[Que]

I have to disagree with about 98% of this... some of it is simply healthy relationship common sense romanticized as D/s, but most of it IMO is the stuff of romance novels.

I don't look for dominant men; I look for compatible men.

Exactly.

Whenever I see a self declared submissive complaining that someone is not dominating them properly, it seems they have a specific roleplay in mind or a kink that want to participate in and no real interest in service.

Kinks and interests align, or not. People are attracted to each other or not.

Putting square dildoes into oval holes cause discomfort.

 

[Que]

There is minimal risk a sub can cross the line to being abusive to a Dom.

This forum is good for people exploring BDSM and understanding the dangers and the risks of harm and abuse. To give ultimatums is manipulation in a negative way.....to be seductive is changing a person's own ideals.......one way can lead to abuse the other can lead to happiness and contentment.

People need to be clear what is abusive and unacceptable behaviour. If you're being hurt or hurting others you need to stop what you're doing and understand how to behave appropriately.

Sam xx

What???

Anyone, can be abusive to anyone. Plenty of manipulative and underming is done by people that are submissive in nature. Sometimes "submissive" just means passive aggressive. Just because one doesn't wield the whip doesn't mean one is defenseless.

Submissives have far more power potential from the bottom than you seem to think.

 

[starlight4321]

where are the Dominants?

yes, please....i would so like to meet a Dominant and not a player or a pushy male....

 

[IrisAlthea]

yes, please....i would so like to meet a Dominant and not a player or a pushy male....

Did you read the thread?

 

[starlight4321]

I sure did, did you??????????

 

[IrisAlthea]

I sure did, did you??????????

Yes, I even posted answers to several posts.
I just wasn't sure if you were commenting on the whole discussion or just the OP.

 

[Blue]

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