The Monthly Poetry Challenge, September 2006

[Lauren Hynde]

But the observation that "it's not that they are but that so many people enjoy listening to them assuring that they are" is shaky and "She was even inscribed on the blacklist of the shameless whores" sounds like the voice of someone who was raised on the inside of the gender wars.

Thanks, Never. You picked up on the very thing that was bothering me in the poem from the moment I posted it and really read it from outside my own perspective. I will have to rework that part.

You're correct in assuming I was going for the "innocent observer". As for the symbolism, I confess as I did earlier in the thread that I was less interested in universally-accepted, western, or Taoist interpretations of the panda than I was on my own: non-judgemental, happy creatures who, as annaswirls pointed out, see the world is not so black or white.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

- "It's my worst nightmare," surfer Ian Kimball said -
- lifeguards claim Kathrein started screaming seconds before the attack, he doesn't remember -
- a friend saw his shredded shorts and a deep gash in his left thigh -
- bit a roughly 1 square foot out of Tiffee's back and left other bite marks on his buttocks, his left hand and the left side of his face -
- taking two bites out of his foot -
- 200 stitches to close after -
- dangling from its mouth -
- saying it felt like a vise or a bear trap bearing down on him -
- killed an elderly woman off a Cape Town beach -
- lost his right leg -
- legs were hanging over the sides of his surfboard -
- pulled me and my board under the water -
- it came out of nowhere, it came fast, and it killed his partner -
- then clamped down on the 11-year-old's right forearm -
- Coast Guard recovered the headless body of a diver -
- A red swimming cap was all that was found, despite a sea and air search -

--- Hippokrene​

Welcome, Hippokrene! I just want to say this is really good. Mock cut-up. About as cool as list poems can get - you don't even have to say what animal it is about.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Gryphon

First his heart became to
numb to cry
the illusion of death.

His voice fell
still as he spoke.

His body felt
moths spinning
cocoons in
the dampness of his den.

His eyes moved ,
their wings awakened.

--- bluerains​

I think this is the most difficult poem for me to comment of the whole bunch. In itself it is very beautifully worded, in an admirably restrained language - although I'm not particularly crazy about the cry/voice/spoke rush. But if it weren't for the mention of Gryphon in the title, I would have no idea of what the immediate concrete image portrayed was. In fact, maybe I am missing a cultural reference - I know there are lots of different legends and episodes with this creature - but even considering the title, I still have trouble linking it with the poem in a completely satisfactory manner.

PS: A small edit:
First his heart became
too numb to cry

I'd also lose the comma after "moved" in the penultimate line.

 

[Never]

When I first read the poem Gryphon, I assumed that it was about a Tolkenist loss of magic in the world. I had the image of a gryphon being turned to stone where he stood.

I think the poem has a number of flaws, however. The first stanza doesn't make much sense to me: First his heart became too numb to cry the illusion of death. What does this mean?

Moths don't spin cocoons. Caterpillars spin cocoons and emerge as butterflies or moths.

You know, now that I think of it, this poem seems to symbolize moths far more than it does gryphons.

--
Edit: I know Dante used gryphon as a symbol for Christ. Given the death imagery, I was wondering if you were going for that association.

 

[Never]

List poem?

Shark
I don't know if it was a good poem but it was an interesting one to create. I'm pleased with the jagged look of the finished product. I'm reluctant play with my poems on a visual level and feared the inclusion of the dashes would hokey. Right now, I'm more satisfied with the visual elements of the poem than the actual words.

Every line is from a news article about a shark attack. As most reporting styles are deliberately detached and "unvisceral," this seems like a good way to represent the sort of mindless, unfeeling way sharks go about feeding. The contrast between the machine like quality of the shark and the brutality of its actions is aspect I find most interesting. I was hoping to capture some of that with the contrast of detached reporting and horrible occurrence.

The result feels dry to me; I don't think captures the fear sharks inspires and that emotional charge is the most important part of its symbolism.

I think this fails as a poem but succeeds as a word experiment.

Panda

For those of us that read poetry on a seventh grade level, why not actually include a line about seeing in black and white?

 

[cherries_on_snow]

I liked this when I first read it and like it now. It has an affable tone even while doing heavy work (that work being to point out human foibles and fallacies from the sidelines of neutrality). The black and white neutralize opinion here, even going so far as to neuter gender. The only thing that speedbumped me was that the chat show host was concerned. If he or she were rooting for the ladies' man to be a ladies' man, it seems that concern would be feigned if evidenced at all.

I also liked the way blacklisted echoed the black and white of the panda.

In all, a very good read.

Fine. I'll go first, you wimps.

Burlesque With Panda

I'm a ladies' man
said the guest with a wink
to the concerned chat show host.

It's true after all
I said to myself.
This time it was an artist
a crooner of romantic ballads
but I remembered the policeman
the intellectual and the doctor
and also the carpenter
and the famous footballer
and that one actor
and I don't know how many
television chat show hosts.
They all know each other
shop at the same supermarket
and are ladies' men.
And it's not that they are
but that so many people
enjoy listening to them
assuring that they are.

To my surprise
(but I'm by nature distracted)
I noticed that the woman
who said
I'm a men's lady
wasn't welcomed
with the same cheerfulness.
She was even
inscribed on the blacklist
of the shameless whores
but the famous ones.

I would like to understand
but I cannot.
Perhaps because I'm not
a man or a woman.

I am a panda.

Don't get me wrong
men and women
I can do without
but I like pandas.​

 

[cherries_on_snow]

Whale - From behind a glass curtain

cetacean songs sing through a moon
spangled cavern with crystal walls
and hands that press flat palms
no higher than the small insignificance
on the land can reach to send waves
of thought between the lines and bars
our ocean brother swims through currents
strong enough to wash man's cities'
corruption off soft birth water borne
mariner so ancient and fragile
that a blink in history and you're gone.

--- champagne1982

Typical of Champagne's poems, this one is dense and complex and beautiful. I love the echos of vowel singing through this and forming ahs in the lips as one reads it. I also love the echoing of fragile images with the only strong thing in it being the currents. It's dizzying to read this poem because of the lack of stops, but I think I may have gotten high on it. or maybe that's my cold medicine.

 

[cherries_on_snow]

- "It's my worst nightmare," surfer Ian Kimball said -
- lifeguards claim Kathrein started screaming seconds before the attack, he doesn't remember -
- a friend saw his shredded shorts and a deep gash in his left thigh -
- bit a roughly 1 square foot out of Tiffee's back and left other bite marks on his buttocks, his left hand and the left side of his face -
- taking two bites out of his foot -
- 200 stitches to close after -
- dangling from its mouth -
- saying it felt like a vise or a bear trap bearing down on him -
- killed an elderly woman off a Cape Town beach -
- lost his right leg -
- legs were hanging over the sides of his surfboard -
- pulled me and my board under the water -
- it came out of nowhere, it came fast, and it killed his partner -
- then clamped down on the 11-year-old's right forearm -
- Coast Guard recovered the headless body of a diver -
- A red swimming cap was all that was found, despite a sea and air search -

The hyphens here make me think of stitches, like the poem is being sutured of clippings. And I kinda like that, but then I want it all to feel like newspaper clippings, so I wish the "pulled me and my board under the water" were quoted. I like the formatting of this poem.

I do wish for something more poetic here, though, than the stitches and the final irony. You're an inventive writer, Never / Hippokrete. What I want is for it to somehow be a little bit more than a blunt reporting of the damage done by sharks. I did like the stitches, though.

 

[cherries_on_snow]

Ah, a fellow admirer of the burlesque! Some animals really do ask for it. I enjoyed the way this poem read - from the prosaic down to the asides. I only stumbled on two occasions: at the word "resources", because it felt an awkward word to use immediately following "sexiest flowers", which linked sex with pollinisation - and juxtaposing "sharing resources" with sex made me think of the bees as exploiters, taking advantage of the poor Eastern-European immigrant sex-slave flowers. The other occasion was - curiously - at the mention of the word "sex" in the second stanza. It struck me as needless repetition, since you had already made use of that metaphor before and moved on.

You're right about resources and sex, Lauren. Thanks.

 

[Tzara]

Well, my original intent was not to try and critique anyone's poems. I am not feeling critque-al right now, and I was going to fall back on S&D's original statement "if you want feedback and critique you have to give feedback and critique." Wasn't expecting any, so off the hook, eh?

But, dammit, then several of you gave careful and useful comments, so I guess I'll have to try to have at a couple poems here in the waning hours of September.

First, thanks to those of you who did comment on my heron poem. Yes, the last line sucks. Me being lazy, and I had noticed that already. Lauren, you're probably correct about the schizophrenic nature of the poem. The first part, and overall concept, was about my particular feelings about herons, which are birds that have particular meaning for me and which I have spent quite a bit of time watching. The title and the second S were about a particular heron I saw earlier this year at the Nisqually Delta wildlife sanctuary. He was standing in a low field with a snake in his bill, shaking it, pausing, shaking it, pausing. The snake became progressively less lively. I had never seen one with a snake before. I usually see them near the water, catching fish. I was trying to get at something about predator/prey overriding "family" (reptile and reptile descendant/identification with dinosaur), but I am a clumsy craftsman who'd feel real comfortable right now blaming his tools.

Thanks, all.

My homework is coming up.

 

[Tzara]

Gryphon

First his heart became to
numb to cry
the illusion of death.

His voice fell
still as he spoke.

His body felt
moths spinning
cocoons in
the dampness of his den.

His eyes moved ,
their wings awakened.

—bluerains​

Much of what I would say about this poem has been said by others, particularly Lauren and Never. Despite it being obscure, it has a certain mystery about it, which is appropriate for a mythical animal. I liked that. The lines "His voice fell / still as he spoke." seem dangerously close to oxymoron, but again, since the creature is mythological, that may be OK.

An odd, but interesting poem. I liked it, despite not being able to tell you exactly what it's about.

 

[Tzara]

- "It's my worst nightmare," surfer Ian Kimball said -
- lifeguards claim Kathrein started screaming seconds before the attack, he doesn't remember -
- a friend saw his shredded shorts and a deep gash in his left thigh -
- bit a roughly 1 square foot out of Tiffee's back and left other bite marks on his buttocks, his left hand and the left side of his face -
- taking two bites out of his foot -
- 200 stitches to close after -
- dangling from its mouth -
- saying it felt like a vise or a bear trap bearing down on him -
- killed an elderly woman off a Cape Town beach -
- lost his right leg -
- legs were hanging over the sides of his surfboard -
- pulled me and my board under the water -
- it came out of nowhere, it came fast, and it killed his partner -
- then clamped down on the 11-year-old's right forearm -
- Coast Guard recovered the headless body of a diver -
- A red swimming cap was all that was found, despite a sea and air search -

—Hippokrene​

There is much to like about this. For one thing, it's conceptually funny, despite the horrible nature of the lines. I mean, using the "cut-up" technique on a poem about a shark chomping people?

Well, maybe I like Itchy and Scratchy too much.

I find the hyphens strange, but they seem to work OK. I would perhaps center the poem to improve that effect. Right now, you have a very even left line of hyphens and a snaggletoothed right margin of hyphens. I see what CoS says about stitches, but they make me think of teeth (and excerpts, which, of course, they are).

In general, I find it more successful as a kind of stunt than as a poem. I don't get the image of a shark from this, merely the report of one.

Very interesting approach, though. You're a clever and inventive writer.

 

[Tzara]

Kangaroo (rat?)

Is it their big eyes
or cartoonlike tail
the way they hop not scurry or scramble?

I cannot call them by their name.

They may steal seed from our birds
tear insulation under the house
who knows if they carry some sort of disease.

I promise my husband I will kill them.
but it is a lie.

—annaswirls​

I have nothing to suggest, besides the edit Lauren already mentioned. Perfect, in its way. Moral, too. ("Moral" is my new favorite word.)

Personally, I would rather see more punctuation, but for the most part the line breaks handle that.

Excellent little poem, Anna.

 

[Tzara]

Polar Bear Pangs

I watched her shield
grumpy children
as she dodged rain and cars
to cross the road, watched

the kids' heads rise
at the hot chips and burger
smell escaping double doors

under the golden arches,
saw them pounce a puddle
with both feet. She nudged

them inside, cosseted
into a corner table
and smiled as they chomped

and talked fast, chewed
and played in the warmth. Hands
curled around the cappuccino
and she smiled.

—wildsweetone​

A very sweet little poem, WSO. I don't understand "pangs" in the title, though. I assume you mean "a sudden sharp feeling of emotional distress", not "a sudden sharp spasm of pain". I don't see that in the poem. Is the narrator upset by this scene? Jealous or envious?

That's all. Liked it. Had to look up "cosseted", though.

 

[Tzara]

An Ode to the Doves of Lovelady grove

The sinking sun tickled tall timbered pines
cues a Dove to sing a song without rhyme.
Carrying her cries across a lazy green meadow
a breeze that blows by Lovelady Grove's widow.

Sitting on the front porch in a bench swing
a Lady alone with thoughts and her dreams.
Wrapped in her past and humming a tune
swinging and gazing at the slow rising moon.

Paired partners fly and unite out of love
one will survive and become a solo dove.
Every evening she sings her lonely song
nestled in the forest till her days are gone.

Patiently she waits as her loneliness grows
an Ode to the Doves of Lovelady Grove.

—My Erotic Trail​

Rhymed form poetry is not my strength, if I even have a strength. I might quibble about the use of the word "ode", as unless I am completely incompetent at recognizing form, this is actually a sonnet, but that's kind of a never no mind complaint.

Your style is always homey, which as I'm sure you know, doesn't particularly appeal to me. I do find this kind of a pleasant little poem, though. The meter sounds off to me at points, most particularly in the line "one will survive and become a solo dove". I might suggest instead "one will survive and be a lone dove".

Nice response to the challenge. I would never have the confidence to try and write a form piece.

 

[Tzara]

Well, procrastination takes its toll. My apologies to Lauren, Champ, CoS, HKS, and SpectaclesInSkirt. I seem to have put off my responsibilities so long that I have run out of time to try and comment intelligently (or, given that it is me, semi-intelligently) on your poems.

I can say, though, that I did genuinely enjoy them all. Thank you, collectively, and Lauren particularly, for coming up with the challenge.

It was fun.

Yo.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thank you to all those who participated!

(and if anyone wants to keep posting bestiary poems and/or commenting on others' offerings, please do!)

 

[wildsweetone]

my apologies for taking so long to get back to comment on these great poems. i'll add to this post with all the poems posted to date. thanks for giving me the chance to comment (and learn). and thanks Lauren, for an awesome challenge. also thanks to those who have commented on my poem, mucho appreciated.

Burlesque With Panda by LaurenHynde
I like this poem and there's virtually nothing that I would change, except to add in some commas (I presume you left them out, purposely).
eg: She was even
inscribed on the blacklist
of the shameless whores(comma)
but the famous ones.
Likely it isn't necessary to have one there. But heck, it's hard critiquing perfection.


Whale - From behind a glass curtain by champagne
i love this poem, but found it hell to read (because i need to learn to read poetry better - or perhaps because i rely too heavily on punctuation to guide me). is this a specific form? i love it!

An Ode to the Doves of Lovelady grove by My Erotic Tail
Great alliteration, good rhyme (man oh man i hate rhyming poems, how did you keep my attention with this??? ) and to me it looks like the beginning of a series.


got to go - will be back when i can

 

[champagne1982]

Whale - From behind a glass curtain by champagne
i love this poem, but found it hell to read (because i need to learn to read poetry better - or perhaps because i rely too heavily on punctuation to guide me). is this a specific form? i love it!

Hi, WSO. Just as Tzara took away the line breaks on the Line Breaks thread, could I suggest that you try the same with my poem, only this time, add punctuation as you read. You'll find the natural stops and that would be one way to interpret the poem.

Hope it helps.

 

[wildsweetone]

Hi, WSO. Just as Tzara took away the line breaks on the Line Breaks thread, could I suggest that you try the same with my poem, only this time, add punctuation as you read. You'll find the natural stops and that would be one way to interpret the poem.

Hope it helps.

it reminds me very much of a childhood chant that went on and on, one thing leading to another each being different.

it's quite intriguing. is it a set form Carrie?

(hope you're feeling better)

 

[champagne1982]

it reminds me very much of a childhood chant that went on and on, one thing leading to another each being different.

it's quite intriguing. is it a set form Carrie?

(hope you're feeling better)

I am feeling better! Thankyou so much for asking. I can even drive again. No small feat for someone with a wired together sternum.

I wish I knew more about what forms are called, I guess that's why MFA's are MFA's ... I think they must need to know that answer. Somewhere in my mind I feel I've read something similar and I've definitely wrote poems that would match in close comparison, but I couldn't tell you if it's a set formula or if I've just stumbled onto something that fits the words on occassion.

Maybe, like that freakin' cake guy, IcingSugar and his Bobs, I'm the parent of a new formula. (Not likely, but if so, I'd call mine Betty).