The Real World: I'm confused

[catalina_francisco]

It has always seemed odd to me that contemporary ideas of marriage stress a meeting of 'equals', but never discuss in what way people are supposed to be equal. They certainly aren't the same, which is what equality means, and to suggest that they should be treated the same seems intensely unfair to me.

I don't agree that equality means that two or more things are the same. For instance we have a myriad of cultures and sexualities in this world....they all differ in some way, and they all require the differences to be acknowledged and respected, but that does not mean they should not share equality as well. One is not better or worse than another, just different. To put a value on that difference then breeds hatred, oppression, and prejudice.

Catalina

 

[Purple Sage]

I don't think that an ideal of equality necessarily means conformity. It means equality of valuation, it means understanding that the larger whole you talk about is as dependent on part A as on part B and recognizing that.

Well, it may mean that, or it may not. Certainly a relationship between A and B cannot exist without A, nor can it exist without B. This strikes me as trivial unless we live in a world of only A and B. The question of the character of the relationship (shall we call it C?) is much more complicated, and it may well be that that character is largely defined by A or B, for better or worse. That C exists depends on both equally, but what C is, so long as C continues to exist, may be almost entirely the work of A or B. For example, if you've ever had a relationship with a person with a serious mental disorder, you're aware that vast realms of the relationship will be determined pretty much exclusively by the nature of the disorder. The other party's choices are often reduced to staying or going, but shaping the nature of the relationship may not be an option.

Ultimately I think the notion of equality is meaningless. In order to avoid colliding headfirst with reality, we have to restrict and restrict it's area of application, until we are left with abstractions that mean anything or nothing. Generalities are handy places to start an investigation, but real relationships tend to have significant details that defy the generalities. I prefer to keep my focus on those details.

 

[Netzach]

I prefer to dwell on actual details too. I'm glad I can vote and choose my own spouse because of some misguided people hung up on abstractions.

 

[Purple Sage]

I don't agree that equality means that two or more things are the same. For instance we have a myriad of cultures and sexualities in this world....they all differ in some way, and they all require the differences to be acknowledged and respected, but that does not mean they should not share equality as well. One is not better or worse than another, just different. To put a value on that difference then breeds hatred, oppression, and prejudice.

Catalina

Well, actually that's what equality does mean. I agree with you that putting certain values on certain differences is wrong and leads to grief, yet many differences are meaningful and equality simply doesn't enter into it. Recognizing these differences does not imply creating a hierarchy of value, it simply allows us to utilize those differences constructively and consciously.

Some differences deserve, IMHO, different values. Apparently this is so with you also; at least, I infer from your post that you do not approve of hatred, oppression and prejudice. That there are many differences that do not make a person less of a person, do not make them a legitimate target of discrimination or violence is certainly true. Even some of these, however, make one individual more or less suited to relate to another, and saying 'equal' just doesn't say anything at all.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, actually that's what equality does mean. I agree with you that putting certain values on certain differences is wrong and leads to grief, yet many differences are meaningful and equality simply doesn't enter into it. Recognizing these differences does not imply creating a hierarchy of value, it simply allows us to utilize those differences constructively and consciously.

Some differences deserve, IMHO, different values. Apparently this is so with you also; at least, I infer from your post that you do not approve of hatred, oppression and prejudice. That there are many differences that do not make a person less of a person, do not make them a legitimate target of discrimination or violence is certainly true. Even some of these, however, make one individual more or less suited to relate to another, and saying 'equal' just doesn't say anything at all.

Is all in your interpretation...for me because someone is different, may not be suited to me as a mate, does not mean they are less or more than me or anyone else so I advocate for equality, but still recognise difference that is not value based.

 

[Purple Sage]

I prefer to dwell on actual details too. I'm glad I can vote and choose my own spouse because of some misguided people hung up on abstractions.

Odd, you seem to be displaying rancour because I, like those misquided people you refer to, am focused on the right to be different. The 'equality' of the Constitution is an equality of political rights, no more. It has nothing to say about personal and intimate relationships- which is as it should be. The Founding Fathers delimited some very narrow areas of equal treatment just so that people would be free not to conform in others. Marriage was not an area of their concern, but to the extent that they had any expectations about it it's reasonable to assume that they, like their contemporaries in general, expected a very unequal relationship. After all, their spouses didn't even have this right to vote you refer to- that came considerably later.
The concepts of equality espoused by the FFs would become appropriate to intimate relationships at about the point the relationship is big enough to get it's own zipcode.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have been in BDSM for about 12 years now; I have very distinctive views on BDSM and everything that has to do with it. There are however many views on BDSM, my BDSM is true and real to me, but to someone else it might not be. Some make distinct differentiations between BDSM, D/s, TPE (Total Power Exchange) to just name a few of the more well known streams inside BDSM.

I am not a great believer in separating the BDSM community into different fractions with each their own rule set and structure. The BDSM community often reminds me of the Christian church with all the different beliefs and streams who believe in the same book, same god and same basic rules. Often we disagree only on semantics instead of discussing content. We are not all one uniform kind of BDSM; if anything can be said about BDSM it is that it has many different flavors.

However this was just all a prelude so I can spread my own version of the true way of BDSM (please do not take me serious just making a joke, I do not believe in one true BDSM). I believe that BDSM originates from a need inside a person, a need to submit, to dominate, a need that can switch between the two extremes. To have a fulfilling life the persons who feel that need require to have it answered. These are basic emotional, psychological and physical needs that drive the persons who are into BDSM.

I live a 24/7 lifestyle with my wife and slave Catalina, we have a loose relationship in which although I am clearly the Dominant I also do not feel the need to reassert my dominance with every word or with every action. I do not enforce any title except when we are alone and playing a scene. I do demand however obedience and I do punish my property when she is disobedient.

You ask how we live our life, to give you clear examples of what it entails. Those are more difficult to realize than you imagine, sometimes the difference between living a 24/7 TPE relationship (which is how I normally classify my particular flavor of BDSM) and a ‘vanilla’ marriage are quite small. But I will give it a try, I will describe to you my day today.

I woke up at 6:30 AM, the alarm had been set by Catalina just like she does every night for me. After some gentle (my ribs still hurt from the gentleness) poking from her into my side, I crawled out of bed and dragged myself to the shower. Sometimes Catalina will soap me while I am standing under the shower and sometimes not. On occasion I will ask her to soap me in and on occasion she will decide she wants to soap me herself. This morning she did not soap me.

When I got out of the shower, Catalina had laid out the clothes I was going to wear to work. She had neatly folded them on top of the clothes basket and had made sure I had a freshly ironed shirt. She normally irons my shirts just before I go to work so they are freshly ironed since she knows I like the feeling of a freshly ironed, still warm shirt. When I got down to our living room, she had already prepared my coffee just as I like to have it, a double espresso with a little bit of milk, together with a glass of Multivitamin.

I drank my coffee and the multivitamin and watch the news. Packed my laptop and left for work. During work I called her twice to tell her how much I loved her and we talked online. When I got home she was watching her soap, I do often not understand how an intelligent woman can enjoy a soap which is really extremely bad, but I watch the ending of it with her anyway (secretly I enjoy watching the soap too, but do not tell Catalina that).

We watched television together for awhile, before she stood up went to the kitchen and prepared diner. She served dinner to me and she sat down next to me and we had our dinner together. Some days I will tell her to kneel next to me and have her dinner like that, and I might tell her to serve her dinner in a dog bowl and eat from it if I feel like humiliating her.

After dinner I went online and read the forums on literotica. As you can see not much excitement today, however tonight we will have sex as we do almost everyday have and most likely that will involve some spanking, or whipping or caning.

This is a very normal day for us and really not much different than a ‘normal’ married couple.

Francisco.

 

[Netzach]

Odd, you seem to be displaying rancour because I, like those misquided people you refer to, am focused on the right to be different. The 'equality' of the Constitution is an equality of political rights, no more. It has nothing to say about personal and intimate relationships- which is as it should be. The Founding Fathers delimited some very narrow areas of equal treatment just so that people would be free not to conform in others. Marriage was not an area of their concern, but to the extent that they had any expectations about it it's reasonable to assume that they, like their contemporaries in general, expected a very unequal relationship. After all, their spouses didn't even have this right to vote you refer to- that came considerably later.
The concepts of equality espoused by the FFs would become appropriate to intimate relationships at about the point the relationship is big enough to get it's own zipcode.

I'm quite acquianted with the right to be different, and I'm neither rancourous nor a congressional fetishist. I do believe that as political and social tides go, so follow the ideals of interpersonal relationships. Morality changes, ie. mores.

Has it occured to you that the desire to deviate from the norm is a by-product of the "normalizing" of the non-existant 50/50 partner ideal?

 

[Netzach]

I have been in BDSM for about 12 years now; I have very distinctive views on BDSM and everything that has to do with it. There are however many views on BDSM, my BDSM is true and real to me, but to someone else it might not be. Some make distinct differentiations between BDSM, D/s, TPE (Total Power Exchange) to just name a few of the more well known streams inside BDSM.

I am not a great believer in separating the BDSM community into different fractions with each their own rule set and structure. The BDSM community often reminds me of the Christian church with all the different beliefs and streams who believe in the same book, same god and same basic rules. Often we disagree only on semantics instead of discussing content. We are not all one uniform kind of BDSM; if anything can be said about BDSM it is that it has many different flavors.

However this was just all a prelude so I can spread my own version of the true way of BDSM (please do not take me serious just making a joke, I do not believe in one true BDSM). I believe that BDSM originates from a need inside a person, a need to submit, to dominate, a need that can switch between the two extremes. To have a fulfilling life the persons who feel that need require to have it answered. These are basic emotional, psychological and physical needs that drive the persons who are into BDSM.

I live a 24/7 lifestyle with my wife and slave Catalina, we have a loose relationship in which although I am clearly the Dominant I also do not feel the need to reassert my dominance with every word or with every action. I do not enforce any title except when we are alone and playing a scene. I do demand however obedience and I do punish my property when she is disobedient.

You ask how we live our life, to give you clear examples of what it entails. Those are more difficult to realize than you imagine, sometimes the difference between living a 24/7 TPE relationship (which is how I normally classify my particular flavor of BDSM) and a ‘vanilla’ marriage are quite small. But I will give it a try, I will describe to you my day today.

I woke up at 6:30 AM, the alarm had been set by Catalina just like she does every night for me. After some gentle (my ribs still hurt from the gentleness) poking from her into my side, I crawled out of bed and dragged myself to the shower. Sometimes Catalina will soap me while I am standing under the shower and sometimes not. On occasion I will ask her to soap me in and on occasion she will decide she wants to soap me herself. This morning she did not soap me.

When I got out of the shower, Catalina had laid out the clothes I was going to wear to work. She had neatly folded them on top of the clothes basket and had made sure I had a freshly ironed shirt. She normally irons my shirts just before I go to work so they are freshly ironed since she knows I like the feeling of a freshly ironed, still warm shirt. When I got down to our living room, she had already prepared my coffee just as I like to have it, a double espresso with a little bit of milk, together with a glass of Multivitamin.

I drank my coffee and the multivitamin and watch the news. Packed my laptop and left for work. During work I called her twice to tell her how much I loved her and we talked online. When I got home she was watching her soap, I do often not understand how an intelligent woman can enjoy a soap which is really extremely bad, but I watch the ending of it with her anyway (secretly I enjoy watching the soap too, but do not tell Catalina that).

We watched television together for awhile, before she stood up went to the kitchen and prepared diner. She served dinner to me and she sat down next to me and we had our dinner together. Some days I will tell her to kneel next to me and have her dinner like that, and I might tell her to serve her dinner in a dog bowl and eat from it if I feel like humiliating her.

After dinner I went online and read the forums on literotica. As you can see not much excitement today, however tonight we will have sex as we do almost everyday have and most likely that will involve some spanking, or whipping or caning.

This is a very normal day for us and really not much different than a ‘normal’ married couple.

Francisco.

Sounds generally familiar, except I don't know where you get the stamina for daily sex.

 

[Miss Diva]

Francisco

Thanks for describing your day to us. Sounds pretty normal and tame.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Can you give me anything CONCRETE from your relationship to show me how it works--how YOUR trust of YOUR master is any different from MY trust of my husband? What rules has your master set that you follow? What do you get (feelings? growth?) when you follow these rules?

All this talk of absolute trust, worship and obedience tells me why you do what you do, but not WHAT you do.

*smiles*
I'll answer this from the Dominant side of the equation regarding my relationship with my girl janey.

She addresses me as "Sir" in pretty much any venue.
While out and about I have her walk on my right side. Unless I feel like having her walk on my left. On a sidewalk I usually walk on the "street" side of the sidewalk, she walks to the "building" side.
I open doors for her if she is carrying a burden, otherwise she opens them for me.
She does the laundry, dishes, housework normally. Sometimes I pitch in and do some too. I do the yardwork.
Sometimes she cooks. Sometimes I throw her out MY kitchen and fix whatever it is I want to fix.
She wears her "obvious" collar at Scene functions, she wears a much more "vanilla" collar at other times.
Sometimes I put her up on the cross and beat her. Sometimes I put her on the bed and beat her. Sometimes I have her act as my spotter while I beat someone else.
Sometimes I tickle her.
Sometimes I nuzzle her ear.
Sometimes I fuck the living daylights out of her.
Sometimes we just cuddle.
Sometimes she calls me a "sick, twisted, sadistic, BASTARD!" Only with utmost respect, and lovingly, of course! *lol*

Things I DO NOT do:
I do not micromanage her. Why in God's name would I want to go to all the trouble and effort to make every little freaking decision for her? I would FIRE an EMPLOYEE who couldn't make decisions (and GOOD decisions at that!) without me holding their hand. I would dismiss a slave who wasn't as competent as a good employee.
janey is quite capable of picking out clothes to wear. I only decide on clothes for _special_ events.
I don't make out shopping lists. She knows bloody well what I like and dislike, what I'll drink, what I won't. If I wanted to tell her what to pick off the shelves at the store I would go and do it myself because it would take less time and be less aggrevating.
I do not tell her when to pee or to have a bowel movement. I do not have an ego so big that I think I can over-rule Mother Nature, and I'm not so ego-centric as to try. I _DO_ however, expect her to ask if she may be excused if she is at my side at a formal protocol type event. Small delays can be reasonably accomodated. If she's on her own I don't want her interuppting me to ask "Sir, can I go to the bathroom?"
I do not isolate her from family or friends. I want my girl to be happy and healthy, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This means allowing her social outlets other than me. I am quite secure in who and what I am to her, and we're pretty much "out" to all of our friends and family.
I do not make her wander around the house all day naked.
I do not take all her money and spend it on booze and women.
I do not share her sexually with any men. If she ever wants to try bi-... Well, *grins* we'll negotiate that out I'm sure.
I do not have sexual relationships with other women. (That might be negotiated as part of the "try bi-" thing though!) But I _DO_ play with others (men and women, I'm an equal opportunity sadist!).

I don't think it's so much us having to define how our relationships are different from yours, as you trying to define why your's ISN'T different from ours. If you "defer" to your husband's decisions, you are in a power exchange relationship whether you call it that or not, whether it is formally negotiated or not. Dominance/submission is about a mind-set, an emotional orientation, a belief in how _your_ relationship should be. Your expectations and his expectations. Your values and his values. Your needs, desires, fantasies, his needs, desires, and fantasies.

I think the major difference between vanilla and BDSM relationships is that we who chose to live this lifestyle are consciously aware of the exchange of power within the relationship, and we've communicated (negotiated if you prefer) and agreed on the parameters. Vanilla relationships tend to leave it unsaid and just kind of work it out by trial and error... "Ooops! That really pissed her off, I better not try THAT again...." "Oh dear, I had no idea he didn't like brussell sprouts..."

Welcome to our world! Keep your eyes and ears open, sort through the fantasy-land nonsence and use what you find works for your relationships, and discard the rest.

As for how-to's I suggest reading some good books, and stay away from pie-in-the-romantic-Castle-in-the-sky websites.

Hope that helps!
- Geoff
Owner, operator, Master, lover, friend of janey

 

[graceanne]

Since we're talking routines, heres ours (remember it was different before I got sick, we do what we can to conserve my energy):

K gets up about 7ish (he sets the alarm for 5:30). He doesn't like to be woken up by me - he likes to hit the snooze and wake up gradually. He takes his shower, makes his coffee (I do on occasion, but he doesn't like how I make it. *shrug*) I'm careful to keep the kitchen stocked with half and half and his flavored creamer. We also buy turbinado sugar cause he thinks it's better for him. He resets the alarm before he leaves. I'm up about 7:15 to get my daughter up. She turns on the tv and zones for about 45 minutes while I go back to sleep. At about 7:30 my brother in law drops his kids off (on Mon, Tue, and Fri.) Then I get up and get the babies up. I get dressed, make them breakfast and and make my daughter and K's lunches. Then I nag my daughter into getting dressed while I dress the babies and make everyone brush their teeth and hair. I put my nieces hair up if I have her. I get everyone into the car, and put K's lunch in the backseat. After dropping my daughter off at school I run into Gresham to do any errands I need to and to wake up a friend of mine who's sick and remind her to take her meds. If their's nothing else to do I go home and do stuff there, like cleaning and/or laundry. About 11:30 I head over to K's work to take him his lunch. I used to get up and make it for him in the morning, but he likes to see me and the kids in the afternoon and frankly - I like bringing him his lunch. Sometimes I'll stop and get him something to drink or a hot meal from a restraunt - if we have the money. We chat, hug, kiss, etc, then I go home. I try to do some more house work, but quite often I get online cause I'm too tired. I have to pick my daughter up at 3:30 pm, and sometimes I'll run something that K forgot out to his work. K normally gets home about sixish and I start dinner. Normally I cook it by myself, sometimes he helps (like when it requires cutting - I'm too clumsy so he normaly does any chopping for me). We eat, then it's family time. This doesn't always happen, but we try. The TV and the computer go off, and we either clean or spend time with the kids. I normally try to spend some time reading to them. Then the kids watch their bedtime movie, I brush (or make them brush) their teeth and get them into their jammies. K's normally outside smoking a cigarette. He comes in and puts our son to bed - he's difficult to get to bed and exhausts me. Then I read The Bible to the girls, we say our bedtime prayers, and they go to bed. Normally K goes to bed, too, but sometimes he stays up and watches some TV. If he wants me to, or if it's interesting I'll go watch with him. This is normally when I do things like cut his finger and toe nails or rub his head if he wants me to. If either of us is horny we go to bed as soon as the kids go to sleep. I'll leave what happens their to y'alls imagination.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sounds generally familiar, except I don't know where you get the stamina for daily sex.

LOL, must be that Spanish blood that is always simmering at the least....roflmao, and he usually manages more than once a day, liking to keep it around 2-3 average.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Francisco

Thanks for describing your day to us. Sounds pretty normal and tame.

Shhhh, or he might grab those needles again and make me double the previous number through my breasts, though this time he might move south and that I can definately wait for!! I can be so patient with some things.

Catalina

 

[Miss Diva]

Shhhh, or he might grab those needles again and make me double the previous number through my breasts, though this time he might move south and that I can definately wait for!! I can be so patient with some things.

Catalina

Opps. And does the presence of your son change anything. I assume you do not eat out of the dog bowl if he is around?

 

[Shaman325]

Re: real world I'm confused

You hear a lot talk about what BDSM "should" or "shouldn't" be or what it "is" or "isn't." The bottom line is that it is a relationship, and relationships are defined by the people involved. I've known some BDSM relationships that would be considered vanilla by some hard-core players as well as the other extreme that involves total ownership. But even within each of those two extremes, there are marked differences in how the relationships are defined by the people involved.

Probably the most difficult thing for most people to understand (including many who are involved) is that the power the Dom/me exercises within the relationship is not his or her own power, it's the power of the sub the s/he surrenders to the Dom/me. Since it's the subs' own power then it can be withdrawn at any time.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Opps. And does the presence of your son change anything. I assume you do not eat out of the dog bowl if he is around?

LOL, yes it does limit us a lot more these days, though he does know we are kinky, and if he isn't in the room we often slip in something we feel like doing with one ear open to his footsteps. I have relaxed a lot more...no longer cringe if I send him to our room to get something for me, knowing he will see the toys all nicely arranged, the ropes hanging on the wall.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Opps. And does the presence of your son change anything. I assume you do not eat out of the dog bowl if he is around?

Yes Cat's son definitely influence the way we act around the house. We believe that people should only be confronted with BDSM activities if they have chosen it themselves. So we would never do anything that falls out of the ordinary in front of him.

Catalina wears her collar, but for the rest, there is nothing that can be defined as out of the ordinary. Which is why I am very happy to have a nice big room which is very private and on a different floor then Cat’s son.

Francisco.

 

[alice_underneath]

The best I can explain it is that when you grow up a submissive in this sort of culture you are fucked on both ends. Not only do people more aggressive and less emotionally sensitive and vulnerable than you take advantage of you and hurt you in all kinds of ways but you're virtually forced to adopt this paradigm of the strong, independent woman. You're supposed to want something that's anathma to who and what you truly are inside and hate and despise the traits that are genuinely you.

That quote describes me perfectly. From the time that I was a young girl, until this very day.

Growth, for them, frequently consists of learning--viserally, NOT intellectually--that who and what they are is OK and even very good in the context of their relationship, that they don't have to wear their fake pretend "I'm always in control" outside persona all the time, they can let the mask down, relax and be themselves. Once that relaxation occurs within a nurturing dom-sub relationship, then long-buried talents and abilities, interests, desires, passions start to come to the surface because there is finally emotional room for them. Every little sqare inch of one's emotions are now not spent trying to pretend to be someone you never were and never could be so you could "pass" and "function" in the outside world that excepts you to be anything but a submissive. A submissive cannot do this kind of growth on her own usually. She needs a dominant figure to give her permission to relax and be herself, and to reassure her that everything will be all right and the sky will not fall down if she does. That's often what is meant by growth, but again, it often has to be directly experienced before you realize its immense liberating power (by liberating I mean it frees the submissive to be genuinely happy, often for the first time in her life).... <snip>
My master was benevolent and very patient. He gave me a lot of rope in some areas where I was sensitive because he sensed I personally needed that. He was extremely controlling in other areas, because we both liked his exercising that control: it's the essence of sexiness. Had I been a different sort of person, he would have shorted that rope, possibly, or loosened it. Hard to say, each person is different. Our relationship worked very simply: he owned me. He told me what to do. I did it. If I didn't like it, I was _required_ (hard rule never to be broken) to talk to him about it. This method worked extremely well for us for all the years that we lived together.

Please excuse me, Slutacus, for asking a few questions that may be painful to you.

What happens to a submissive after the relationship with her master ends? Does she slide back to the way she was before she met him? Or, does she maintain a plateau of sorts until the next master enters her life?

Respectfully,
Alice

 

[shy slave]

.....

 

[Kajira Callista]

That quote describes me perfectly. From the time that I was a young girl, until this very day.

Please excuse me, Slutacus, for asking a few questions that may be painful to you.

What happens to a submissive after the relationship with her master ends? Does she slide back to the way she was before she met him? Or, does she maintain a plateau of sorts until the next master enters her life?

Respectfully,
Alice

is that question for slutacus specifically? 'cause i know you could get a lot of different answers from others.

 

[Purple Sage]

I'm quite acquianted with the right to be different, and I'm neither rancourous nor a congressional fetishist. I do believe that as political and social tides go, so follow the ideals of interpersonal relationships. Morality changes, ie. mores.

Has it occured to you that the desire to deviate from the norm is a by-product of the "normalizing" of the non-existant 50/50 partner ideal?

I'm so relieved you're not a congressional fetishist. One has to draw the line somewhere.

As far as your question- I don't know about 'the desire' as a general thing, but my own 'deviance' has little to do with my desires regarding the habits of others. I've had the fortune, mis or otherwise, to be out of the mainstream from the get-go, so to the extent that I have based my own urges on a reaction to what others do, or are perceived to do, the tendency has been to have fits and starts of attempting to 'normalize'. Alas, it's a lost cause.

In a broader context, I think that, as the 50/50 partner ideal is indeed non-existant, it's not so much a matter of having an urge to deviate from it as of being able to acknowledge that in fact one does, and making the most of it.

 

[alice_underneath]

is that question for slutacus specifically? 'cause i know you could get a lot of different answers from others.

The reason that I wrote - "Please excuse me, Slutacus, for asking a few questions that may be painful to you" - is that she used the past tense in referencing her master. She spoke of pain before having a master, and growth and joy during the time of her relationship. With my comment, I was trying to be sensitive, rather than narrowing the field of respondents.

I welcome responses from anyone.

Alice

 

[Kajira Callista]

.....

that post was nicely written shy, you should have left it.

 

[3113]

*smiles*
I'll answer this from the Dominant side of the equation regarding my relationship with my girl janey.

Thank you and others for taking the time and trouble to outline your day. It certainly gave me a clearer picture of the lifestyle. It was because I wanted to separate fact from fantasy that I asked. One can get mired in both fiction and/or the extremes as decribed (or just hinted at) on websites as compared to the reality.

So, once again, thank you very, very much.

as you trying to define why your's ISN'T different from ours. If you "defer" to your husband's decisions, you are in a power exchange relationship whether you call it that or not, whether it is formally negotiated or not.

I'll answer that quite easily...IF I'm right about what I'm seeing and hearing. In a BDSM relationship, from what I understand, the Dom is the Dom. He/she is the Master, all the time, no question, even when he/she is washing the dishes or making dinner. And in the end, what he/she says goes. The sub "defers" to him/her always and in everything. The Dom may not give orders on everything, but if he does give orders, they must be obeyed. So if the Dom wants the household run a certain way, that's how it's run. If he wants the day to start at a certain time, that's when it starts. No negotiation, no imput from the sub unless requested. If the Dom defers to the sub--it's only because the Dom has decided to.

As suggested before, the Dom might say, "You decide what's for dinner." So the sub gets to decide, but only because the Dom has commanded it be that way.

In my relationship, it doesn't work that way. I don't always defer to my husband. He often defers to me. And who defers to whom switches day to day and depends a lot on what we're discussing. If we're driving, then my husband is utterly and totally in charge. He loves to drive and he's amazing getting around the city. I submit completely to him in such instances and I'd never think of suggesting an alternate route to a destination. But if we're in the kitchen, that's my domain. I'll let him cook now and then--but he'd better take care with my kitchen tools. And he knows to listen if I tell him how to chop an onion or what spices to put in a sauce. I would never expect him to tell me how to cook anything--though I might ask him his preferences on a dish.

Going out to eat, however, depends on which one of us has a stronger opinion that night. If I really have a craving for Chinese, we order Chinese. If he really wants Mexican, we get Mexican. Sometimes there's a clash--and sometimes we each get our own meal because of it. Often there's no clash--we're willing to defer to each other.

And then there are times when neither of us is in charge. When it works like a partnership--certain things make us act as a unit. Someone will say, "I've got this idea--" and suddenly the two of us are double teaming them like a pair of wrestlers, explaining why that idea won't work. Neither one of us takes charge of that, we pass off one to the other and work in tandem.

Now if that's how it is with BDSM couples, then I guess there is no difference. But from what I keep reading here and elsewhere, it seems that the important idea is for the sub to defer to the Dom in a 24/7 relationship--how far the sub defers depending on the Dom (does the Dom pick out the sub's clothes or let the sub pick them out, for example), but defer the sub does. I see an ebb and flow in my relationship of domiance and submissiveness; neither one of us is always the Dom or always the sub. This would seem to make my relationship different from a 24/7 BDSM relationship.

If I'm understanding BDSM relationship correctly.