The Sportfuck-Soulmate Sex Continuum

[rida]

What a movingly honest exploration, Rida

Thank you

------------------

Do you think that the reason you don't care is because they don't care? Would you care if they did?

Both.
IME relationship are more often than not reciprocal: chances are that if I don't care about them, they don't about me, and viceversa. In the rare case where there is more interest on the other side that on mine, I tend to get pulled in. And if it makes me feel uncomfortable afterward, that is I'm worried that my interest could be misunderstood, I tend to cut off the contact, as nicely as possible.

Jealousy to me seems like it has to be coupled with anger, mild or severe. On the very few times that I have ever felt jealous it has been more because of something unknown, something I suspected instead of something that was real. A case of letting my imagination run wild.

That is part of my internal confusion. It makes no sense to me to be jealous over something that is unreal, yet when I know the facts--even if they are the same as what I imagined I am not angry or jealous. More like intrigued and curious (or maybe just nosy??)

Something else to throw into all this is that I am very into humiliation play. Being forced into a situation that would make me jealous I think would also make me very excited. (this has not been tested in reality, just in myhead during masturbation which is where I give most things a testdrive)

Going back to my opinion that jealousy is bred by fear, it seems that in your case is the fear of uncertainty that gets to you.

On that token, how would a scenario that humiliate you with the use of jealousy work?

A jealousy related scenario that I know I will eventually be put through is being given pain play and than kept tied up and forced to watch while the Sadist (and perhaps even Hubby ... he has expressed a similar desire recently) enjoys sex with another woman. It would not be jealousy per se that will get me, but envy and frustration and the hurt of being denied what I crave the most ... the soothing intimate contact of sex (even when it is rough and all about him, it is still to me, soothing and intimate ...)

 

[ecstaticsub]

Going back to my opinion that jealousy is bred by fear, it seems that in your case is the fear of uncertainty that gets to you.

On that token, how would a scenario that humiliate you with the use of jealousy work?

A jealousy related scenario that I know I will eventually be put through is being given pain play and than kept tied up and forced to watch while the Sadist (and perhaps even Hubby ... he has expressed a similar desire recently) enjoys sex with another woman. It would not be jealousy per se that will get me, but envy and frustration and the hurt of being denied what I crave the most ... the soothing intimate contact of sex (even when it is rough and all about him, it is still to me, soothing and intimate ...)

Somewhat like the scenario that you described. With some important differences. During the first scene my PYL did with me he invited 2 male friends and one female. The one female was an old girlfriend of his. It was an interrogation he asked the questions and she caned me. She was absolutely beautiful. I could feel the bond that they still shared even though they were no longer "together". That I found very humiliating. I was in wicked pain, I was tied down ass up and blindfolded, I was on display for his other friends, and inbetween my PYL's questions I was listening to him joking around with this beautiful ex-girlfriend. Afterwards I had sex with his 2 friends as he and his ex-girlfriend had drinks and watched us. Eventually she left and he joined in, too.

The emotions that I felt the morning after, especially considering this was the first time I had met him in person were all over the place. But it was something I would definitely want to do again.

I wouldn't be jealous if I was ted and forced to watch my PYL have sex with someone else. I would however be jealous if they were sitting and having a meal together and I couldn't participate, or even worse she was submitting to him in ways that I see as my roles. Me being made to submit to her would be an interesting addition, too.

I think emotionally I would be ok as long as I could make love to him in a vanilla way and fall asleep in his arms before I had to fly home.

 

[shy slave]

This is a really interesting thread and throws up so many questions and thought processes I can relate to, particularly around jealousy and the differing types of sex.

Have no pearls of interest to add, but it has given me a great deal more to consider.

Thank you ES and Rida

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is a really interesting thread and throws up so many questions and thought processes I can relate to, particularly around jealousy and the differing types of sex.

Have no pearls of interest to add, but it has given me a great deal more to consider.

Thank you ES and Rida

You're welcome

After I started this discussion I asked my PYL if and when I changed from being a sportfuck for him to a love fuck. He is one of those who sees no gray areas, it's either one or the other. He simply answered "When you become my submissive"

Made me smile.

 

[greystardust]

I don't think i can be intimate anymore without having an affection for that person. It may be a soft emotion, such as deep respect (rare) or a hard one, such as lust, but in either case, or the range between, it's affection. That can be attraction due to inner feeling, or looks and usually a combination of both. But if there isn't that affection, I die inside, i.e. the feeling ends, and it's over.

So, the sportfuck / lovefuck, is almost the same thing. To fuck for sport still requires connexion and attraction, as for love

 

[ecstaticsub]

I don't think i can be intimate anymore without having an affection for that person. It may be a soft emotion, such as deep respect (rare) or a hard one, such as lust, but in either case, or the range between, it's affection. That can be attraction due to inner feeling, or looks and usually a combination of both. But if there isn't that affection, I die inside, i.e. the feeling ends, and it's over.

So, the sportfuck / lovefuck, is almost the same thing. To fuck for sport still requires connexion and attraction, as for love

Thanks for the thread bump. It is actually very timely for me. What at the time was purely hypothetical is becoming reality.

I am still trying to reconcile my gut emotional reactions with the emotional reactions I know my PYL wants me to have. And really the emotional reactions I want to be able to feel.

I know emotions are what they are and I won't be able to control them. But I can control my actions. I should also be able to somehow change the negative feelings into positive enthusiasm. To a certain extent I have been successful with this.

We will see how things go as they progress.

 

[rida]

Timely bump indeed.

*snip*
I wouldn't be jealous if I was ted and forced to watch my PYL have sex with someone else. I would however be jealous if they were sitting and having a meal together and I couldn't participate, or even worse she was submitting to him in ways that I see as my roles. Me being made to submit to her would be an interesting addition, too.

I think emotionally I would be ok as long as I could make love to him in a vanilla way and fall asleep in his arms before I had to fly home.

With some more experience on the matter under my belt now, I can say that what made and makes me jealous is very simply put not feeling "special" and "unique".

Losing the status of "I'm the only one that can provide X" is what triggers my fear of inadequacy, what I perceive threaten my place.

Knowing that I'm loved is the best cure: If I know I'm loved, I can handle the above insecurities much better. But when it is just a casual interaction they are harder to deal with and as such I've been keeping myself more "detached" from my casual fuck buddies.

When it comes to my marriage, I know that nobody can take my place. I know that no matter who else he is fucking or who else he loves, it will never change the love he has for me and my place in his life.

Thanks for the thread bump. It is actually very timely for me. What at the time was purely hypothetical is becoming reality.

I am still trying to reconcile my gut emotional reactions with the emotional reactions I know my PYL wants me to have. And really the emotional reactions I want to be able to feel.

I know emotions are what they are and I won't be able to control them. But I can control my actions. I should also be able to somehow change the negative feelings into positive enthusiasm. To a certain extent I have been successful with this.

We will see how things go as they progress.

The bold part is what I try to focus on. It is hard to do though without feeling as if I'm putting up a filter to my own emotions.

I'm trying to learn to separate myself and my worth from what I can provide and from what the other can provide. Calling myself polyamorous you'd think I'd have mastered it by now. But somehow it is a concept easier to apply to myself than to someone else. Fear of abandonment and all that

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I wouldn't be jealous if I was ted and forced to watch my PYL have sex with someone else. I would however be jealous if they were sitting and having a meal together and I couldn't participate, or even worse she was submitting to him in ways that I see as my roles.

Losing the status of "I'm the only one that can provide X" is what triggers my fear of inadequacy, what I perceive threaten my place.

Knowing that I'm loved is the best cure: If I know I'm loved, I can handle the above insecurities much better.

This all is pretty much what I needed to read right now.

Jealousy isn't really my issue. I know I'm loved, I know I'm his girl. But the thought of a casual fuck buddy being submissive sends me screaming for the hills in fear. I do fear that 'being replaced' and feeling inadequate.

Worse still, I view my submission as a very intimate thing between the two of us. As special. The thought of seeing somebody else doing for him the things I do just guts me. I feel like it trivialises me and what I am.

Those are feelings I can't accept.