Tripe, Nonsense and Balderdash

[Trixareforkids]

First 3 lines were "OMG," why can't I write like that?!" I think if you culled lines 4-14 a little, it could be as powerful as lines 1-3. Just my opinion, Trix.

I was stuck with the first 3 lines for the longest time. I know where they're leading but I don't yet know how to get there. The rest was forced, trying to finish the challenge but the images I have in my head are leading me elsewhere and I doubt any of the later bits will survive an edit. I think I mashed two different pieces together and both would be better if I separate them.

Thank you for the compliment and the advice

 

[HoneyAdored]

......

 

[legerdemer]

unfinished summer challenge piece

The Door Into Summer


I sift these winter days
through my threadbare coat
and your miles gone boots
until my cataract gaze
glimpses the inn
where we gave out
our last gasp
Memories flood my parched heart
stormy summer days
when you lapped at my inlet
slammed against my rising banks
Flashed lightning through me
and we shuddered the windows
with our thunder

First 3 lines were "OMG," why can't I write like that?!" I think if you culled lines 4-14 a little, it could be as powerful as lines 1-3. Just my opinion, Trix.

Well said! this as it stands is as strong if not stronger than most of the pieces submitted.

Great writing Trix and l also loved the first three lines. I need a sprinkle of trix on my alphabetti spaghetti so l can tang up my pasta, all the good words get stuck in my throat.

I'll add my appreciation to this as well - truly lovely, understated. I really liked

when you lapped at my inlet
slammed against my rising banks

The lines after it did not live up to the expectations set up by these two, especially the very next one... (I've often been there, not quite getting to where I wanted to go).

 

[Magnetron]

I think she just kicked in the motherfucking door to summer.

 

[legerdemer]

I think she just kicked in the motherfucking door to summer.

Quite!

 

[Trixareforkids]

I think she just kicked in the motherfucking door to summer.

Please, don't be quiet, you crack me up

 

[legerdemer]

Please, don't be quiet, you crack me up

I didn't say quiet. I said quite. And I meant it.

 

[Trixareforkids]

I didn't say quiet. I said quite. And I meant it.

LOL, need to clean my reading glasses. I'm working (i.e. staring at a blinking cursor) on another take on the theme. Trying to capture what I want is beginning to feel like trying to snatch minnows from a stream with my bare hands.

 

[Trixareforkids]

15-79

Cleaning up

 

[todski28]

The Door Into Summer

I close my eyes as I feel her near
the air around me stills
until her warm breath
caresses my bared skin
I lean my head back, breath her in
as she moves over me
bringing the scent of life
lips part in anticipation of drought's end
With those first drops
of her sweet rain
a storm begins
I dance below her
until a distance rumble
becomes a crescendo
in a flash I dive
for the door into Summer
We crash together
howling our need and
praises unto the gods
until we are spent

Last line kills it

Also the in a flash

Though it links with the storm element it come across as a cheesy comic book line as opposed to the high strung erotica you have going on this is very damn good though

 

[Trixareforkids]

Last line kills it

Also the in a flash

Though it links with the storm element it come across as a cheesy comic book line as opposed to the high strung erotica you have going on this is very damn good though

Agreed, I know it needs tweaking, my brain keeps going to the cliche This one has been a tough nut, hopefully I'll crack it with the edit.

 

[todski28]

Agreed, I know it needs tweaking, my brain keeps going to the cliche This one has been a tough nut, hopefully I'll crack it with the edit.

How about final line

Spoken in tongues and left wet
from the eddies of the storm?

 

[todski28]

Agreed, I know it needs tweaking, my brain keeps going to the cliche This one has been a tough nut, hopefully I'll crack it with the edit.

Do you mind if I hop in and play a little

 

[Trixareforkids]

How about final line

Spoken in tongues and left wet
from the eddies of the storm?

This bit isn't ringing my bell

Do you mind if I hop in and play a little

But your more than welcome to keep playing, I do like the idea of a collaborative piece

Edit: by the by, this has been my musical background while writing the piece.

 

[Trixareforkids]

15-79 Collaberation with Todski

Cleaning up

 

[butters]

I close my eyes, feel her near
the air around me stills
until her warm breath
caresses my bared skin
I lean my head back, breathe her in
she moves over me
bringing the scent of life
lips part in anticipation of drought's end
With those first drops
of sweet moisture
the storm begins
I move below her
some priestess dancing for rain
chasing thunder
begging for lightning's strike

A distant rumble
crescendos as I bolt
for the entrance of summer's door
opened in this tempest
we crash together
howling our need and
praises unto the gods
soaked to the core
as the flashes come further apart
and we lie spent
gasping
pooled in summer showers relief

really like this, guys. you write well together - and it's not often easy for that to happen when you've both your own 'voices'. here, you harmonise deliciously.

 

[butters]

Edit: by the by, this has been my musical background while writing the piece.

never heard that before. thanks for posting the link

 

[todski28]

really like this, guys. you write well together - and it's not often easy for that to happen when you've both your own 'voices'. here, you harmonise deliciously.

Trix did all the hard work all I did was help her garnish and serve

 

[Trixareforkids]

really like this, guys. you write well together - and it's not often easy for that to happen when you've both your own 'voices'. here, you harmonise deliciously.

Thanks Butters

never heard that before. thanks for posting the link

Almost hypnotic ain't it?

 

[Trixareforkids]

Trix did all the hard work all I did was help her garnish and serve

Ha! Never pegged you as self depreciating. That baby's just as much yours as mine and much better thanks to your contribution.

 

[Trixareforkids]

15-83

Cleaning up

 

[greenmountaineer]

You make my goddess head swim
No, dive
into deep baptismal waters
float aloft buoyed
by gentle sin
hum hymns over
bared skin
feast on the true fruit
of the gods
needing neither wafer
nor wine
to be sanctified
in wholly union
of your parts
in mine
Unable to speak
except with tongues
Tied, twisted
in satin stained
with passion's blood
and release
Resurrecting one another
piece by piece
until we are breathless
from our little deaths
and can rise no more

I like the way you weave pagan and Judeo-Christian iconic references into the poem, Trix, as well as some Eastern stuff there at the end. I don't think we're playful enough about religion and sometimes too serious about sex......

Well, maybe not on Literotica.

 

[Trixareforkids]

I like the way you weave pagan and Judeo-Christian iconic references into the poem, Trix, as well as some Eastern stuff there at the end. I don't think we're playful enough about religion and sometimes too serious about sex......

Well, maybe not on Literotica.

I love to play with words and metaphors and for me no words or concepts are sacrosanct, I just following where they lead. It's not usually good poetry, but every once in a while it comes together nicely. In this instance, having no particular brand of religion myself and having sampled from so many, I find at heart that all religions are pretty similar and for this usage I went with Christian-ish. Sex, when shared with someone you respect and have at least some feeling for is nearly always at least partially a communion.

 

[Trixareforkids]

15-84

Cleaning up

 

[Trixareforkids]

15-81

Cleaning up