Vanilla sub?

[bluntforcemama]

I believe that we all start out as vanilla, even if inside we know that we crave more. BDSM is a learning experience, and the more you experience and know, the more you grow into who and what you are. The key is to move at your own pace, to be comfortable with who you are, and to accept what you are, not only for yourself, but also for your mate. Above all, make sure that you never lose the ability to love yourself, and be sure that your mate is worthy of your submission and love.

 

[Richard49]

Yes... But how do you define sex? "The penis in vagina thing", as yourstruly put it? That seems inaccurate, as vast oceans of lesbians have vast oceans of sex, entirely sans penis, and ditto, the gay-male opposite! (Gay males need a nifty word like "Lesbian"!) There are people who completely lack genital function who have their own varieties of sex, and I am constantly engaging in sex of the mind, with several people on this board not least among my partners!

So... are you saying that BDsM, with or without genital maneuvering, is in itself sex? Or conversely, that without some kind of genital interplay, it's not BDsM?

First the s in BDSM is not lower case and does NOT stand for submision it stands for sadio or sadist

Does it have to be penitration to be sex?
nope

sex is 90% mental
and 10% physical
if it brings about sexual arousal
even if no climax
it is sex

but that is my opinion
and your rate may vary

 

[cremebrulee]

Originally posted by Richard49
First the s in BDSM is not lower case and does NOT stand fpor submiision'it stands for sadio or sadist

Does it have to be penitration to be sex?
nope

sex is 90% mental
and 10% physical
if it brings about sexual arousal
even if no climax
it is sex

but that is my opinion
and your rate may vary

HI RICHARD!!!!


One definition of the term BDSM (from the BDSM Cafe) is as follows, which would make one think that either BDsM or BDSM would be correct. Interesting...

BDSM - originated on the internet as an all-inclusive term to bring together the distinct but related activities of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (D/s), and Sado-Masochism (SM).

I have also heard someone use the term Bondage/Discipline/slave/Master, but that sounds goofy to me.

My two cents, FWIW

~Creme

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thoughts re: Vanilla Sub?

One definition of the term BDSM (from the BDSM Cafe) is as follows, which would make one think that either BDsM or BDSM would be correct. Interesting...

BDSM - originated on the internet as an all-inclusive term to bring together the distinct but related activities of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (D/s), and Sado-Masochism (SM).

I have also heard someone use the term Bondage/Discipline/slave/Master, but that sounds goofy to me.

My two cents, FWIW

~Creme

BDSM is most often written in all caps; however, creme's post above does state the most common usage, wherein the three related "sub-groups" of our culture are identified by two letters each. The overlap between the B&D, D/s, and S-M pairings also indicates that there is frequently an overlap between the sub-groups. A person (or couple or menage) may focus primarily on B&D, with elements of D/s or S-M; those centered on Dominance/submission may (and often do) include facets of Sado-Masochism, etc., etc., to all the permutations possible. There is the addition of the (primarily) D/s sub-grouping of Master-slave relationships to be considered as well, which can include B&D and/or S-M.

Now, on to my response to SubmissiveDove's original query, as modified by her later posts:

(1) Your "dom friend" (and thanks for lowercasing "dom" - in this case, it's completely appropriate!) sounds (at least in this specific instance) like a wannabe with little or no real-life experience in our culture, who has skimmed through one BDSM website and thinks this makes him an expert. If his assessment - "told me that I was vanilla" - is correct, then why on earth would he then suggest you were "looking for a dom to lead me?" You wouldn't need a dom/Dom to lead you if you were vanilla!

(2) As a means to accurately assess the wants and needs of someone inexperienced in our culture, I'll have to agree that a checklist is basically useless, except, as Shadowsdream and Fungi said, as a menu to present some of the possibilities.

(3)

sex is 90% mental and 10% physical
if it brings about sexual arousal
even if no climax
it is sex

Richard is 100% (perhaps more) correct in this, IMNSHO. "The most important sexual organ is between your ears." (That's your brain, not your mouth )

If you are intrigued by and want to learn and/or experience more of the BDSM/BDsM culture, you are by definition at least "kinky." (See Richard's post on this aspect.) If you determine, once you have learned more and experienced more, that some part of this culture meets and fulfills a need/want within you, and that you want that part of the culture to be an integral part of your life, then you could and probably would define yourself as being a member of the BDSM community/culture.

On the other hand, if you determine that you enjoy some of the activities of the culture (e.g. spanking, nipple clamps, whatever), as a spice but not as in defining part of your personality/sex life, then you probably would not define yourself as a member of the culture, but "just" a kinkster

As always, what I write is merely a reflection of my particular viewpoint(s) and experience(s), and should be considered only that. You must draw your own conclusions based upon what you read, hear, and most importantly, feel within yourself. Only you can determine who and what you are. Only you can seek and find the answers to your needs and desires.


Note related to my posts last night in the Blurt thread (Café): This post was previewed 5 times, with corrections, additions and deletions made before posting.

 

[Richard49]

For the history of the termology try

http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/BDSMinfo/info_pack_iii.htm

 

[Raeth]

...seems inaccurate, as vast oceans of lesbians have vast oceans of sex, entirely sans penis...

Sounds like I have been missing the good ocean... a trip to the beach is sounding better by the minute.


Seriously though... it seems to me that whatever you decide to explore in whatever order, as long as you don't jump in too quickly you should be fine. Nobody is going to kidnap you into the world of kink unless you let them. Just be careful.

I'm not really interested in how someone would label me right now, because it's all so new that I just want to figure some of it out on my own before any judgements are made. I would hate to be limited or worse for people to have false expectations.

Hope you find what you are looking for in the end.

 

[NRGIZD]

First off dove... as a curious "vanilla" as well i thank you for posting this question. And to all that have replied thank you for your responses, they are helping me figure out where i might or might not fit into this culture.

Vixandra... thank you for your post about how not all submissives are into pain and bondage and that the world of BDSM has many variants...for all that i know so far, and it isnt much, i do know that you are absolutely right.... in fact that is why i have continued my delve into figuring our this culture and if i will fit into it...

 

[Etoile]

vast oceans of lesbians have vast oceans of sex, entirely sans penis

I would just like to say...
HELL YEAH

 

[BlushingFlames]

honestly I have another point of view here, I am not a virgin but I've always been very tight. The dom I am seeing thought I lied to him at first about my virginity,but he knows I really lost my virginity. But anyways that isn't my question or the point of my response at all.

I have always been a romantic, it feels like my romantic and submissive side have always been a part of me. I always thought things would mesh well with both,but I hear from a friend of mine that vanilla romance isn't the same as BDSM. I always figured romance was romance,that there isn't a different. I know that BDSM is much more than the lifestyle....but now that my friend bought this up it confuses me. Does this make sense at all?

 

[Etoile]

I have always been a romantic, it feels like my romantic and submissive side have always been a part of me. I always thought things would mesh well with both,but I hear from a friend of mine that vanilla romance isn't the same as BDSM. I always figured romance was romance,that there isn't a different. I know that BDSM is much more than the lifestyle....but now that my friend bought this up it confuses me. Does this make sense at all?

Hmmm. I think romance is romance. Kinksters might express themselves differently, but I think the romantic feelings behind the expression are the same.