What do you make of this fantasy?

[spndrft]

Thanks guys...

She is infuriatingly uncommunicative, so I plan to take it slowly. We've developed quite a bit of feelings for each other, so, first meeting, I want to make very few assumptions and stay away from being overbearing.

I was shocked to find having such conversations with my husband to be similarly frustrating (he's the damn extrovert and we've known each other for years!) Most frustrating was getting him to express his desires and limits - and he was very resistant to just going through a BDSM checklist. Boys.

I initially started with trying to exchange porn/literotica... but there is a difference between what you want from fantasy and reality... and it can result in some miscommunication.

Finally I sent him an email with three parts - first i listed out a few things, just a few, that I know I loved (kept it specific to sex with him in my case, I'm bi and poly he's neither so listing off fun things i've done in the past with other people would have been a conversation killer... you get the idea). then i listed off a few things i was curious about. finally i listed some of my hard limits - things i know i'll never be interested in and would never consent to (like scat or golden showers... children, animals, etc). Now the last part was particularly redundant because we already knew each other well and I already knew that my hard limits are a subset of his hard limits.... but it's still important to discuss.

He responded in kind and a conversation finally started. Just an idea. Figuring out how to effectively communicate with someone, particularly about things they might not have 100% figured out yet, can be difficult. Remind her that "i don't know" is a valid answer.

So maybe it's too soon in your conversation to go way off the kinky deep end with this girl... but you could apply the same idea to what she's suggested. What do you know you want out of the encounter (not what you think SHE wants, what do YOU want)? What are you curious about (maybe hair pulling or actual throwing around)? What don't you want to do (choking)?

You need to ask yourself what your limits and desires are, too. I guess an important question to ask yourselves is what is your real experience? Has she played around like this before and her request is based on this?

I was shocked recently to discover that several of my male peers (late 20s early 30s, many married) had never received a blow job ?! Definitely not something I would normally think to ask about... but you just can't assume anything.

Sounds like you're off to a good start. Best of luck!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Thanks guys...

I get to meet her in person next week, so we'll see.

She is infuriatingly uncommunicative, so I plan to take it slowly. We've developed quite a bit of feelings for each other, so, first meeting, I want to make very few assumptions and stay away from being overbearing.

If it progresses well, I have quite a good voice of command and a commanding physical presence. I think I'll start there.

What kinds of things would really trip your trigger to hear whispered in your ear?

Thanks for your patience... this is all very new to me, coming from a stunted Bible-belt culture.

I think that's a good place to start, be a little authoritative without scaring the shit out of her and see how she responds.

There are myriad reasons why women want to be treated like this IME they can be split into specific categories. In no particular order:

A desire...

1) to feel helpless.
2) to be controlled by her partner
3) to abdicate from responsibility for how she behaves. (i'm not really a slut, he made me.)
4) to please her partner
5) to be treated roughly and to feel used
6) to be humiliated and forced to admit to desires that shame her
7) to be made to feel inferior or of less worth
8) to have pain inflicted on her
9) to be disciplined and praises/punished accordingly

This is by no means an exhaustive list and most submissive women can tick most of these boxes on some level or other. You really do need to get into her head and figure out what she wants to get from being controlled by you. That's not to say that you should find out what she wants and give her exactly that. In order to be dominant you have to have your own needs and wants from what you do with her.

 

[jan164]

My Ex used to use nearly the exact words.

She didn't want to be thrown as such.
She wanted to be pushed against the fall, facing the wall, and held with her arm behind her back, or by her hair - anything more or less semi restrained/semi forced and then fucked or pushed down and have her face fucked - for her that was really important - if it was going to be oral I she really wanted me to fuck her face not just push her down on me, when she wanted this fantasy.

 

[Primalex]

The proper way to approach this is to have a frank discussion in a public place, like a restaurant, and set the bounds, then to return to a private setting for the realization of the scene.

This is as much fun as a sex schedule. Hello Darling, it's Saturday morning, time to have sex.

 

[spndrft]

<snip>
The proper way to approach this is to have a frank discussion in a public place, like a restaurant, and set the bounds, then to return to a private setting for the realization of the scene. <snip>

This is as much fun as a sex schedule. Hello Darling, it's Saturday morning, time to have sex.

Nah... it depends on who you are. I'm fine with discussing such things any where any time to the Nth degree, totally different to me than a "sex schedule". If done in the right way it can even be a type of foreplay. H, on the other hand, I think agrees with you - which made the whole trying to figure out his limits difficult and annoying for me. So when is the "right time" to discuss such things, then? We're all different.

However, the OP was talking about someone he didn't know at all, and had never met in RL. The last thing you want is to be in a situation where you think you're fulfilling her greatest fantasies and she's fearing for her life and crying rape/abuse etc. Good thing to make sure she's 100% sober, too.

 

[Primalex]

The last thing you want is to be in a situation where you think you're fulfilling her greatest fantasies and she's fearing for her life and crying rape/abuse etc.

Most likely she did not mean "throw me against the wall until I'm in a physical and mental condition that you can rape me without me being able to resist" and hopefully the OP is aware of this. It's very difficult to do things with a person who doesn't want to, if the person isn't restrained or other methods of suppression, like a knife, are used.

 

[spndrft]

Most likely she did not mean "throw me against the wall until I'm in a physical and mental condition that you can rape me without me being able to resist" and hopefully the OP is aware of this.
<snip>

Now that sounds like fun...

There is a benefit to knowing and trusting your playmates.