What do you say when...?

[Toa_lin]

Well, all my oppinoins and solutions have already been stated numerous times, so I'm gogin to have to do a mini-hijack adn try to lighten teh mood a-bit, (as is my custom, soryr if it get's annoying))

2 wrongs don't make a right though.

Catalina

No, but two Wrights do make a plane [cue cheesy joke sound effects to follow cheesy joke]

/mini-hijack

 

[liberatedslave]

sometimes people with these types of issues sometimes do respond well to not getting the same back

I do take your point Catalina but if I expect E's hubby has tried to be nice & got nowhere. Sometimes understanding truly is wasted & acknowledging that a step forward. If there is no HR & if this needs resolving he'll have to be firm to be successful & leave the issue behind them IMO.

 

[RJMasters]

2 wrongs don't make a right though. I tend to think confrontation and aggression are last resorts, not the first option.

Catalina

Well my point of view is a bit different. My point of view is...

Don't start nuttin, won't be nuttin.

I am a reasonable guy and I don't go out of my way to cause trouble for no one. My conduct especially in the work place is professional, cutious and respectful. If someone steps across professional boundarys, it depends on how they step across them in how I will act. If it was done without bad intentions, then I just let them know gently that though I know they mean well, my personal life is not thier concern.

But if someone steps across in the manner this guy did, I have no quams in telling him to fuck off, its none of his business.

The problem I see with your perspective is it tends to forget that the person who is wronged, started from the point of civility and it was the action of the other person who caused the harm. Two wrongs may not make a right, but it sure doesn't mean that a person has to sit there and let the wrongs continue to tally up either. In my way of thinking, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense.

You got your way of dealing with things I have my own. My experience has taught me the best way to deal with guys like this is to stone cold punk them.

Of the three times similar situations have happened to me where someone made personal comments to me, I called them on it right on the spot, two apologized right away and the other said whatever and walked away. The two that apologized allowed for mutual respect to be re-established and we got along even better than before. The one who walked away, we worked together when required and did our jobs, but I never had to put up with his shit again.

I guess for me, I don't see standing up for myself fitting into the two wrongs don't make a right cliche, because I don't see standing up for myself as being wrong. If that was so, then I guess women shouldn't respond or do anything about sexual harassment either, because according to you two wrongs don't make a right.

We all have a right to work in a workspace that is professional. In most cases where things like this happen and the offending person wasn't trying to be insulting, then yes, some tact, grace, humor, and a bit of reason will often resolve the issue nicely, but when a person does it as a way of belittling another person, then fuck them.

 

[RJMasters]

This thread was never intended to be an, "OMG, what should we do!?!" kind of deal, but rather a discussion of how members respond to unaware people who comment/express concern on their behavior that results from their dynamic. A lot of times I just use a specific situation to illustrate my point and elicit ideas that have wide applications. We've received tons of great thoughts so far that we'll put to good use, even if it's just a matter of changing our perception of certain things.

I understand that this was what you intended for this thread Erika. My response thus far is how would I personally respond in the example you used. Because the workplace is involved, I don't think the D/s dynamic needs be discussed as that is something between the two of you and it is of a personal nature. Since this is in the work place, that in itself should preclude intrusions, judements and comments into that area of yours or your husband's life.

As to in general, I think it depends on how openly you and your husband wish to live. Obviously mainstream will not be too accepting of what is considered gender role reversal, I would like to think that it is more accepted today than it was years ago, but that is not always the case.

To me it would largely depend on the person who might raise the question and how they do it. I would handle it much the same way as I would the work situation. You start at a place of common curteousy. when the subject is raised you can tell them its a personal matter and you don't care to discuss it with them, or you can choose to discuss and share this part of your personal life.

I think what is important is that whether you do share or whether you choose not to, the other person should respect your or your husband's decision in the matter.

 

[chris9]

>snip<
This thread was never intended to be an, "OMG, what should we do!?!" kind of deal, but rather a discussion of how members respond to unaware people who comment/express concern on their behavior that results from their dynamic. A lot of times I just use a specific situation to illustrate my point and elicit ideas that have wide applications. We've received tons of great thoughts so far that we'll put to good use, even if it's just a matter of changing our perception of certain things.
>snip<

That's how I understood it. It's a very interesting question to me. I have to figure out in what way to deal with situations like these before them happening or I'm dumb-struck. I posted somewhere in the café that a joined friend of me and my ex 'offered' me to bring me a whip as a gift from India where he's staying in a town that's famous for its leather works. I didn't react at all, just saying I'd prefer a handbag or something like this. But I really did not know what to do or say. So getting other people's ideas/solutions how to handle such situation is quite interesting. And I'm forced to really think about what to do.

 

[the captians wench]

It's a dynamic issue in the sense that we do have a D/s relationship and things like this are going to come up at times. I wasn't asserting it doesn't happen outside of D/s; quite the opposite, in fact.

I'm more cognizant of things like this now because we've recognized our dynamic and realize others are going to see the effects of it once in awhile. When something comes up, we're eager to explore it and hear others' experiences, since that's proved helpful so far. It has nothing to do with being more sensitive because we're keeping this private, and everything to do with having ideas of how we'll deal with the situations that will inevitably come up.

This thread was never intended to be an, "OMG, what should we do!?!" kind of deal, but rather a discussion of how members respond to unaware people who comment/express concern on their behavior that results from their dynamic. A lot of times I just use a specific situation to illustrate my point and elicit ideas that have wide applications. We've received tons of great thoughts so far that we'll put to good use, even if it's just a matter of changing our perception of certain things.

Oh, and AA, when I said it was a very small company, I meant there are 8 people total, and nothing like an HR department. The comment this time wouldn't have warranted that anyway, but there are many instances in which HR would be extremely helpful in this company. My husband has taken his coworker's comments on other topics to the owners a time or two with good results, but the culture generally dictates employees are to work more minor things out amongst themselves.

I never ment to imply that you were bringing up anything other than a discussion, and that you said thing like this only happen inside a d/s situation. Please forgive me if I did.

Really all I'm sujesting is that because you are now aware of the dynamic you have, and practicing, that when these things come up it's going to hit a certian chord, even tho they would have come up before your recignition of your dynamic.

You're example with the co-worker would have happened whether you were d/s or not. That's all I was saying. And to me, it just seemed like something I personally wouldn't put much thought into.

But I understand what you are saying. My mom voiced some concern for me when I first got into bdsm, but it was more about the bruses I would bring home than any relationship.

My point is that some times we do need to take things for what they are and not try to read deeper into them. You hubby's co-worker wasn't really voicing concern, he was being an ass. A family memeber might voice a real concern, and then you have to decide how far you want to explain things.

I'm sorry I'm not much help on this, but I haven't been in a realtionship where other people could see how we interacted since going d/s.

 

[serijules]

I am required to address Ma'am properly no matter who is present, and I wear a locked rather obvious collar at all times when with her. Her kids (teenagers) are quite used to seeing me clean her house, cook meals and fetch her things when I am there, as well as address her as Ma'am. She will at times correct my order in a restraunt and give the waiter a new one if she doesn't approve of my choice, will do subtle things like pull my hair or give me a look or an order, or ask me potentially embarrassing questions if I'm not careful about my attitude. (I tend to get sullen in some social situations and she doesn't tolerate it).

She has no qualms about slapping me in public if I deserve it (although I'm too well trained to do something to deserve it so it hasn't happened). So yes, we get looks and comments now and then. I don't say anything at all usually (which people most of the time get the hint that it is none of their business and back off) and Ma'am would most likely look highly amused and if she answered at all, it would be somewhere along the lines of "because I can". Very few people in Ma'am's life are not used to and aware of these sort of things even if they don't really understand them, and while those close in my life are much more ignorant, I haven't had problems with comments as I am wise about what I display without disobeying her expectations. It's a fun challenge sometimes.

While we are open and out about our relationship, we are not idiots and don't do anything that will cause real problems or issues, however, we don't make excuses either. Lately I've become more comfortable with questions about my collar. A year ago when asked what it symbolized by a stranger, I would have answered something like "it's a necklace". Now I simply say "it's my collar", smile politely, and excuse myself.

 

[Netzach]

My husband kind of brushes it off, but doesn't really know how to respond to comments like this. I'm sure comments about control will come up for both of us in the future, as people may mistake me for a controlling (and possibly abusive) bitch and him for a pussy-whipped weenie.

We do a lot of "behind the scenes" specifics. My husband knows to say "let me check with Mrs." a lot. Most couples do this. His co-workers do it as often as he does. Play it off as a scheduling issue, not as a "mistress may I?" issue and you should be ok unless someone's a total idiot and does stuff without asking his/her spouse just to prove he/she can all the time. In which case I'd say something like "we're both really busy, I don't know if there's somewhere I'm supposed to be and she keeps the schedule in her phone" or whatever.

 

[the captians wench]

We do a lot of "behind the scenes" specifics. My husband knows to say "let me check with Mrs." a lot. Most couples do this. His co-workers do it as often as he does. Play it off as a scheduling issue, not as a "mistress may I?" issue and you should be ok unless someone's a total idiot and does stuff without asking his/her spouse just to prove he/she can all the time. In which case I'd say something like "we're both really busy, I don't know if there's somewhere I'm supposed to be and she keeps the schedule in her phone" or whatever.

That was the point I was trying to make....you said it so much better.

 

[SweetErika]

We do a lot of "behind the scenes" specifics. My husband knows to say "let me check with Mrs." a lot. Most couples do this. His co-workers do it as often as he does. Play it off as a scheduling issue, not as a "mistress may I?" issue and you should be ok unless someone's a total idiot and does stuff without asking his/her spouse just to prove he/she can all the time. In which case I'd say something like "we're both really busy, I don't know if there's somewhere I'm supposed to be and she keeps the schedule in her phone" or whatever.

With this guy, BINGO!!!

He's vowed to never get into a LTR with another American woman - he just wants someone who will never question, say "no" to sex, or neglect household duties. Of course he could get that with a sub, but this stuff is way too freaky for him and he'd be in the running for the Lousiest Dom Award, I'm sure.

 

[ladyscottishwhore]

tell them that it is none of there busisness what you do in your privet life because your privet life is just that privet