When It Comes Time To Move On...

[JMohegan]

My grandfather was in his 90's when he died. My grandmother cried tears of genuine grief, but she also threw a spectacular party with champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries (his favorite) and poster-sized photographs, reproduced and enlarged just for the occasion, hanging on the wall and depicting scenes and people from every stage of his long life. It was a joyous celebration of the life of a really great guy, and an experience that I will cherish always.

However, the loss of a partner may be a totally unexpected surprise and untimely in the extreme.

And you may find that when the time comes, words on a plaque or tombstone seem utterly pointless. And whatever is said at the funeral or memorial service matters to you not a whit.

So you may choose to delegate these decisions to someone who cares about such things in the moment.

And in your heart you may finally, completely understand something that you knew all along but did not truly comprehend until this happened.

What matters is not what you say about her after she is gone, or what they do with a body that has no soul.

What matters are the words and experiences you shared while she was living.

These form the bond that will stay with you for the rest of your life, and continue on into whatever Eternity exists when your time comes too.

 

[shy slave]

This is deeply personal and not easy to write. I am sharing it to give a different view from those already shared in this thread.

I saw my son in the morgue, as did his brother. He looked fine, dead, but fine.
His brother and I both chose not to see him at the funeral home we didn't want to see him all made up and 'sleeping.'
We did give instructions that anyone who wanted to see him before his burial could do, but it was their free choice to do so. Some of his friends went as did his 16 year old girl friend. It wasn't easy for them but to my knowledge no-one has regretted it. It seems to have made it real and helped them cope with the idea he really is dead because they have seen it for themselves. They touched him and put things in his pockets and coffin that were meaningful to times they had shared together.
As far as I know the funeral home were supportive of his friends and other family he choose to see him. They did not rush them nor was there any expectation that they had a time limit on how long they were with him.
We were lucky his body shown no signs at all of death, no marks, bruises or lividity marks post-mortem. It made the decision to allow people to see him easy. I did not have to worry that they would be upset further by seeing trauma covered up.
I am sorry for those who have had a difficult experience seeing a dead body, but for others it is a way of realising they are not coming back. It does not have to be a terrible experience, if handled well it can have a positive outcome.

His friends raised money to help pay for his headstone, they and his brother, chose the final design and words for the back of the stone.
If you choose to bury someone the churchyards in the UK have rules as to what is acceptable to be written on the stone. The stone mason took time to explain to me that whilst that has to be respected they could engrave words under the stone. They would never be seen but to the people that it matters it would be known they were there.
It was nice to be told but everything we all needed to say could be put on the stone in full view.

The grave has become an important place for his friends. During the longer nights last year they sat at his grave smoking and drinking and just spending time with each other. Perhaps that sounds morbid but it has become a place people go to think or spend time. They also go to meet others and share things. It has brought them even more together. When I see them there they hug me and always tell me their news. They make me smile because they like to know who brought which flowers or objects to his grave. At Christmas they took Christmas pillar candles (there is a specially made granite tea light & incense stick holder there) and ornaments to make him look good.

At the local college there is a bench in memory of him where people he knew talk and gossip. It is not in a quiet spot but in a busy area full of vibrancy and life. His friends talk of having a bench in the town but as yet we have not been able to do that.
Death does not only affect the immediate family it has these ripples that affect many people. In a day and age where we constantly complain of the lack of respect shown to the living by teenagers, I continue to be overwhelmed by the respect my sons friends show to anyone who knew him.
Although she was only sixteen his girlfriend was known as his girlfriend. Not a special friend or anything else. I chose to have him described as a devoted boyfriend (which he was), it was important that she was not pushed aside, she loved him and deserved to be treated with as much respect as I and his brother were given by those outside the family.


Again I want to say I am writing this to give a different perspective on what has already been said.
I do think every person is different, but for some people (regardless of their age) seeing the body and having a place to go to and remember that person or sit to sort through thoughts can be important.
It may not matter one iota to you as to what happens to your body, but it may matter a great deal to those who are left behind. It may be important to them that they have a particular place to go and remember the wonderful days you had together.

A friend of mine husband died, he wanted his ashes scattered and this is what happened. Some months later she had nightmares and very bleak thoughts as to where those ashes had ended up. Ten years later she was still having bad thoughts, terrible dreams and trying to come to terms with it all. She had planted flowers he liked in the garden but she really missed having a particular place where she could only focus on him.

I now view the whole question of 'what happens..' differently. It is not 'What do you want?' but 'What do those people who love you want or need?'

They matter. In my view saying 'I don't care what happens to me' shows a complete lack of respect (verging on denial and selfishness) for those people who are left to deal with the practical issues and their grief.
I knew my son wanted buried, we had discussed it. He had carried a donor card from a very young age (pre-teen) we had discussed that too.
It made sorting out the practical issues easier. It has made my grief easier because I and other people who cared about him have a common place where we can remember him.

It took several months before I could talk about my son here on Lit. I may return and delete this post later.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Lovely post shy and I apologise for any pain we may have caused you. I hope you don't remove it as I think it could go a long way to helping some deal with these issues in ways which work for them and address it realistically and sensitively. I respect your decision if you feel you wish to remove it though.

Catalina

 

[witcha]

Shy- just sending safe e-hugs if that's ok with you

 

[shy slave]

Lovely post shy and I apologise for any pain we may have caused you. I hope you don't remove it as I think it could go a long way to helping some deal with these issues in ways which work for them and address it realistically and sensitively. I respect your decision if you feel you wish to remove it though.

Catalina

Cat I may remove BUT not because this thread has caused me pain.

I could have ignored it and chosen not to read any of the posts, I made a choice, which right now seems an ok one, but that may change.

Everyone loses someone, and many people on Lit have struggled with the grief they have had for someone who died.
In my limited experience you don't get over it, you learn to live with it.

Grief is grief; it hurts. It doesn't matter who died, it is the loss of the relationship you had with that person that causes so much pain.

What matters are the words and experiences you shared while she was living.

These form the bond that will stay with you for the rest of your life, and continue on into whatever Eternity exists when your time comes too.

To me, these words of JM's sum up so well how you start to live with the loss of that person.

Thank you Witcha

 

[BiBunny]

Thank you so much for posting that, shy. I can't imagine what it's been like for you, but I really hope you don't remove the post. It's given me a lot to think about, and I'm sure it will do the same for others as well.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I told rose that once I die, I don't care what happens to My body, I won't need it anymore. I do want any usable organs given to someone who could use them, since they aint gonna do anything for Me anymore. I think that we will arrange a burial so she can have a place to go...

If it was up to ME, take all the good organs and leave all the rest out as food for wildlife.

I don't know that there will be a Master on My headstone... her and I both know what we are to one another... *shrugz*

As for other relationships, I don't know... If I go first, I do want her to continue to live her life... I don't know if I could have another or not....

Frankly, this is not a subject I dwell on, because I would much rather be alive.

 

[FurryFury]

Shy Slave,

I'm glad you posted that.

I agree with you that seeing the body can be helpful to the grieving process for some. It certainly sounds to me that you did a loving thing, to allow those that did want to see your son, to do so. I respect the fact that many find comfort in having a place to go like a grave or bench.

I felt it helped me when my Dad died to see him right away. I truly could feel that his essence was still in the hospital room with me. I felt that not being allowed to see my Grandfather after he died, as I requested, until he was painted up was not helpful to me at all.

I agree too that the process of the ceremonies, markers and rituals are for those left behind. It can help or hurt them depending on what is done and why. My Dad wanted to be cremated. I told my Mother that wasn't the right thing to do for her sake and that of her parents. I told her Dad agreed that they should do what they needed to but she wouldn't listen.

Later I found her with his cremains literally beating her head against the wall. It wasn't the first or the last time I found her that way. Finally she gave me the remains. She simply couldn't handle either the cremation or his loss at all. We've had over a decade of her hurting herself and every single person around her with her suicide attempts and substance abuse.

I also know of relatives that never truly grieved and therefore, have not fully lived since a loss of 20 or 30 years ago. It's one reason I worked so hard at understanding the grieving process myself.

All of that is part of why I said what I did about not care what happened to the body I'd had, once I was gone. I have my practical and emotional preferences but also recognize that other's who will continue to live may well need other things. That's perfectly fine with me.

People should do what they need to. Every religion and section of society has their own rituals and processes, those should not be skipped due to the whim of the person who died in my opinion.

I sometimes think that due to the funeral society here, we've become so far removed from death itself that it impedes our grieving in many ways.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

Fury

All of that makes perfect sense to me.

You may not be aware but you had a similar thread in the GB on this subject. It was the first place I posted about my son. I was so mad at you, yet you had done nothing wrong. I nearly damaged my keyboard typing my post for that thread! But I am glad you started it.
The GB moves so fast my thoughts were soon buried and although it must have been obvious I was annoyed you never fell out with (not that I know).

Although we live on different continents I particularly agree with your last comment about becoming removed from death. Our local crem gives 25 minutes from the cars arriving to people leaving. 25 mins to say goodbye seems insulting.
There is also only one crem in the whole region that can take larger bodies. Those have to be done in a morning. How terrible to be told that you may have to go to a crem 60+ miles away because the person who died is too big.

 

[FurryFury]

Shy Slave,

Despite us not always agreeing we've had no true problems. I think that's because we can both respect and appreciate the way others thing.

*hug*

I do remember the other thread. I was worried I'd hurt your feelings at the time. I'm glad you found it useful to you.

I actually think we agree on a lot more than we don't agree.

Fury

 

[graceanne]

I have to say that I would have killed to go to Ella's funeral. But I wasn't even invited. I had no idea where it was, and quite frankly I was in the hospital with bleeding ulcers, I wouldn't have been able to go anyway. Maybe if I'd gone to her funeral there'd be some closure.

 

[FurryFury]

Beautiful Graceanne,

I'm not sure who Ella was in your life but I understand the pain and lack of closure.

*HUG*

Fury