twelveoone
ground zero
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2004
- Posts
- 5,882
Maria2394 said:hey 1201
thanks for the kind words and the advice. Heres the revision I sent them. the editor said that if I need to make any more changes, well, I have plenty of time, but not to change it too much
her little glass bird ( revised)
She tries to remember to move the porcelain owl,
around the house and grounds, so the spirit of her father,
who lives in the owl, can have a change of scenery.
Kitchen window view, always especially pleasing-
watching birds eating, brown squirrels thieving,
azalea leaves drinking in the blood red sap of summer.
October sun angles in, burning tender skin
and light gently fades, blending bright into night
till afternoons feel just like mornings.
Then winter approaches, with slivers of platinum
star-scrawled message scattered across
an indigo felt foreverness,
Like midnight's blanket, dotted with fireflies,
twinkles are held a few seconds longer
so he can un-paint his eyelids and see them,
If only he would un-paint his eyelids and see them.
~~
This one is about a little porcelain owl I had to steal from my sister just to have a something of my dads ( long, nasty story). I guess thats why it made me so happy that they took it. The poem actually means something to me.
if the ed says, not to change too much, why should I screw around with it? ed a better judge. one small note, i do not like ness, you have something reaching for the infinite with "an indigo felt forever" to put ness at the end bothers me. brings it down to pseudo speak. I can not see why it is there.
I love that line. (I will probably steal it, modify it, use it in my Zhinu project - I will send to you)
I love your poem.
I think you have something, you should keep working on even after pub.
