Where Elvish Blood Sings: The Quest.

[Annisthyrienne]

*From within my cozy FatherTree home, I hear the howl split the night. It is mournful in some ways, but comforting in others. It is a sound familiar to me, as I've had many special wolves in my life. For a moment, I want to answer the call of the pack, it's lonely sound echoing and resonating in my spirit.

I know I may sound silly, but I let it go, tilting my head back and giving full voice to my feelings, my instincts, my desire. In this place, I can give full throated voice to the cry in a way I could never do otherwise. I don't know if I can convey the feelings through the sound I make, but I put all my thoughts into it.

'A kindred spirit resides in this place. There is welcome here for you. A place in my home and in my heart.'

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I could have left this in her Shack...but I felt the need to walk the woods and eventually, I ended up here, in her secret heart.

In the place that makes her who...and what...she is.

In my hand, I hold a small pale lilac envelope. The word~

BLESSING

is printed upon it.

After a moment's thought, I slip this under a nearby rock. She will find it.

I turn...and make my way, slowly into the dark forest.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*As if guided by an unseen force, I notice the slightly displaced rock on my return to my FatherTree home. Discovering the sentimental note beneath it brings a smile to my face. A greeting from the heart from another wolfling in my life, one who shares the forest with me as my neighbor, though our dwellings are a distance apart. A visit will soon be in order I think, and a gift perhaps.

The presence of precious friends in my life is indeed something to be thankful for. and my heart warms with the knowledge that these wonderful people share my world, and make it a better place for their presence.*

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*Returning to my FatherTree home, I start a small warming fire in the clay fireplace, then put a kettle on for some hot dark chocolate. The world continues in the human realms at a pace much faster than I prefer. It's peaceful here, more my own pace, and as I wrap up in a warm blanket, my steaming cup in my hands, I turn my thoughts to replies for my stories.

Abby needs to find her desire with the woman who turned her.

Xia needs to try to enforce some peace between Drow and Elf.

And I need to continue my own story. It's almost time to tell about my first 'romantic' kiss.

A soft sigh emits from my lips as I stare into the flames, considering who will get the attention of my pen first.*

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*Last night it was Abby's turn. A short post, to be sure, but hopefully worthwhile. Tonight I indulged in my own story, working on the tale of my first romantic kiss. I got carried away. Over a thousand words and still haven't gotten to the kiss, but getting there is half the fun. It is more than enough to post for a couple posts, and still more to come.

A little visit with a lusty Fish proved to be quite enjoyable, and the makings of possibly two new stories soon were the highlights of the evening. But now it is late, and my thoughts must calm for sleep to find me. With a sigh, I turn my steps to the oft, and my big comfy bed. Curling up under the blankets, I lay my head on the pillow, letting my dreams take me away.*

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*I sit alone in my Fathertree home, staring into the fire in the clay hearth. The events of the day in the real world have brought to my mind a thought that I believe is profoundly important. I know that not everyone would agree with the essential premise that backs up the thought, but it is enough that I believe it.

No. I know it to be true, even if I cannot prove it with material evidence. How could you prove a spiritual concept with material evidence, after all? But it resonates inside me, and that convinces me of it's truth.

I have heard it said, and I agree with the notion, that the part of us that we really are is our soul, or spirit, if you will. Our bodies are only a material thing that our souls inhabit, a temporary 'avatar' through which our spiritual selves interact with the material world.

And I further believe that our souls are nothing less than individualized portions of the higher spiritual force of Life, which we call God. In this way, we are all a part of God, and God is a part of all of us. Each of us, as souls, as parts of God, are neither lesser nor greater than any other part.

So what implications does this have?

First, that there can be nothing evil or good. It is all a part of God. There can only be differentiations of the Whole, different expressions of the Spirit. And it also becomes clear that no soul can be the unwilling victim of another. A soul does not end when the body dies. A soul cannot be killed. And what we really are are Souls with a body, not a body with a soul.

No person, no matter how horrible their deeds may be thought of as being, can end another soul, and no soul, being an equal part of God as the soul of the perpetrator of the 'evil' act, can be ended. They cannot suffer a fate of the body that the soul is unwilling to allow to happen. No soul could force another to experience any outcome they were not willing to experience.

This is not an excuse to condone violence against others. What we do in life is an expression of our Selves. Our words, thoughts, and above all, our actions, define us. We make a statement about Who and What we are with every moment of our existence. We make the choice to express our self as any aspect of the Divine spark within us. Unfortunately, some choose to express the Destroyer aspect rather than the Creator.

We lose ourselves in the material world, stuck in our material manifestations, and we lose sight of the bigger reality. We see a tragedy take place in our world, and we can only think that some souls have ended. They have not, and can never end. Nor can the tragedy be enacted upon them without the consent of their souls. No one part of God is greater than any other part.

To think that the soul who committed the tragedy could somehow harm or end the other souls against their will is to give that one soul an unnatural power over the others. When all of those souls are reunited with the Whole, each part is just as cherished as all the others.

It is also a mistaken thought on the part of the perpetrator of violence to think that they can 'kill' anyone else. This man thought that because he had a gun, a material item, that it gave him power over other souls. He was lost in the material world to think he could 'kill'; as much or moreso than we are to think that he did 'kill' any other souls

And to think that a material object, such as a gun or a knife, could be so invested with power as to extinguish a soul, a divine part of God, is to give far too much power to an inanimate object. It puts a material object above the spiritual being that created it. The material, being a creation of the spiritual, can never trump that which created it in the first place.

I think we souls are inherently appalled that one of our kindred would choose to express itself in this way. We are appalled on a spiritual level, and it translates into the physical world we are experiencing as shock and grief. But in the midst of this event, we should be careful not to get lost in the mistaken perception of the physical world to the point that we lose sight of the bigger spiritual context.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Something important to remember.

Love is not something you are in, it is something you are. Love is a state of being, not something you do to someone else. If someone loves you and you don't feel love for them, you are not affected, they are. You only feel love when you are loving, giving love.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*Once again finding my balance in my retreat. I sit in the comfy chair in front of the little clay fire place, sipping a cup of hot chocolate. It is late in the evening, and I find the quiet conducive to reflection on my place here in this Literotica realm. My experiences here have been many; some good, some not so much. I've met interesting people, some have become closer as friends. Others, I've admired from afar, yet never seemed to find the occasion to open myself to them.

Sometimes this place leaves me feeling like an outsider. I suppose that it does that to everyone from time to time. I've had people tell me how much they envy me for being in the popular crowd, and I wonder who they are really talking about. It couldn't be me. I'm not in that crowd. More like hovering around on the edge, as so many others do. I'm just one of the many.

I feel quiet often that there are just some things I cannot participate in. Some of these things are obviously beyond my ability, such as the verbal challenges. My voice will not be among those enjoyed by the group. It probably won't be missed in any case.

There are other things I just can't relate to. Conversations about things that seem like an alien world to me. If my participation at times seems reclusive, it is only because I feel like I don't belong, can't relate, have nothing to offer on the topic.

I'm also not very good at this free form thought flow writing. I can't seem to stay on one subject, instead just flitting around from one thought to another. Maybe I should reserve my thoughts to myself.

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

He was wrapped in silence. The only sound heard was his heavy footfalls. He was not a small or delicate man, it took effort to walk with stealth and that was effort he cared not to give tonight. His energy was devoted to other places. The bundle he carried had the majority of his focus. He was not certain he would find her in this realm, nor that she wanted to be found at this point. So he found a place where he estimated would be a good place to leave his gesture, set it down, and reversed his trail out of her realm.

The gift

Attached to it was a note.

"My dear friend,

It is hard to feel like you do not belong. It is something I have felt many times in my own life. There is something that I have learned about trying to belong that I share with you now.

The love of the crowd and the many is a fickle thing. At times it seems important, sometimes overly much. The truth is though it is not those many who matter. It is the ones who prove loyal, the ones who display an unflinching love for you; they are the ones who matter.

I do not know the inner workings of all of your relationships, but I know there are several people who would move mountains for you and care not for your the pieces of you that you focus on with negativity. I know that I will never be able to hear your voice, but you speak volumes without ever saying a words. I will be here for you, in your corner without fail because no matter what the crowd thinks, I love you my dear friend. I hope that is enough."

 

[Annisthyrienne]

He was wrapped in silence. The only sound heard was his heavy footfalls. He was not a small or delicate man, it took effort to walk with stealth and that was effort he cared not to give tonight. His energy was devoted to other places. The bundle he carried had the majority of his focus. He was not certain he would find her in this realm, nor that she wanted to be found at this point. So he found a place where he estimated would be a good place to leave his gesture, set it down, and reversed his trail out of her realm.

The gift

Attached to it was a note.

"My dear friend,

It is hard to feel like you do not belong. It is something I have felt many times in my own life. There is something that I have learned about trying to belong that I share with you now.

The love of the crowd and the many is a fickle thing. At times it seems important, sometimes overly much. The truth is though it is not those many who matter. It is the ones who prove loyal, the ones who display an unflinching love for you; they are the ones who matter.

I do not know the inner workings of all of your relationships, but I know there are several people who would move mountains for you and care not for your the pieces of you that you focus on with negativity. I know that I will never be able to hear your voice, but you speak volumes without ever saying a words. I will be here for you, in your corner without fail because no matter what the crowd thinks, I love you my dear friend. I hope that is enough."

That is a wonderful sentiment. Thank you for expressing it here. I'll remember it.

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

That is a wonderful sentiment. Thank you for expressing it here. I'll remember it.

I hope it was ok to put it here. I wasn't sure. I would not have invaded your space if I did not think it important.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

I hope it was ok to put it here. I wasn't sure. I would not have invaded your space if I did not think it important.

You are one whose welcome is a standing condition here. *Hugs.*

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

You are one whose welcome is a standing condition here. *Hugs.*

Hugs her tightly

Good. I'm here for you if you need me darling. Doesn't matter what for.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*A quiet night, peaceful in my sanctuary. The weather is turning warmer with the season, and soon it will be great fun to skinny dip in the waterfall pool. But those thoughts are for another time as I curl up in the large comfy chair. I turn my attention to writing a response to a conversation. Why do I find dialogue so difficult to write. Could it be because I don't talk very much due to my voice?*

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

sandalwood and vanilla proceeds where the boi wills...and soon enough the boi follows the scent, like a hound at the trail. She doesn't come with gifts, doesn't come with light hearted words. She only comes...because she needs to leave...

A hug for a Blessing who I have not seen in far too long and who has been missed, even when I do not say.

The hug given, the boi retreats...to flit where ever and find words that will allow the stories she crafts to continue on.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

sandalwood and vanilla proceeds where the boi wills...and soon enough the boi follows the scent, like a hound at the trail. She doesn't come with gifts, doesn't come with light hearted words. She only comes...because she needs to leave...

A hug for a Blessing who I have not seen in far too long and who has been missed, even when I do not say.

The hug given, the boi retreats...to flit where ever and find words that will allow the stories she crafts to continue on.

*Whispered words....a spell given to the night breeze to carry the message to the wolf-boi, wherever she may roam.*

You are missed. But I understand that these realms don't hold the allure they once did for either of us. There are many stories to tell in our fertile minds, and they will come out no matter where we go. Be blessed.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

a flat package pops into view, wrapped in silver and white. Attached to the package is a small .

 

[Annisthyrienne]

For any of my friends who care, in case you heard about the tumor the doctor's found in my colon, it turns out that is was not cancerous. The UC is flared up and totally engulfed my entire colon. I can feel it burning like heartburn, acidic, eating away at the organ inside me, but it's not cancerous.....yet.

 

[Fish_Tales]

For any of my friends who care, in case you heard about the tumor the doctor's found in my colon, it turns out that is was not cancerous. The UC is flared up and totally engulfed my entire colon. I can feel it burning like heartburn, acidic, eating away at the organ inside me, but it's not cancerous.....yet.

I care

 

[BeautifulDream]

For any of my friends who care, in case you heard about the tumor the doctor's found in my colon, it turns out that is was not cancerous. The UC is flared up and totally engulfed my entire colon. I can feel it burning like heartburn, acidic, eating away at the organ inside me, but it's not cancerous.....yet.

*slips in to give the pretty Elf a hug*

 

[fr33ks33k]

I also care. *hugs for what they're worth*

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*Hugs and warm affectionate kisses for you all.* I now check off all the boxes for increased risk factors that are possible, except for being a male over 50 years old. Kind of a peculiar sense of accomplishment to go along with that claim.

Also, just to be clear, I'm not back on Lit for any length of time, just offering a one time brief update.

 

[yeishia]

I had not heard... but of course am truly happy to hear your good news.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*Hugs Yeishia.*

The whole story was that since I have Ulcerative Colitis, I have to periodically go in for a colonoscopy. I'm supposed to go every two years or so, but the last one before this was Jan 2009. So I went to see the GI doctor and schedule another one, just because it was past time to do so. I had the procedure done on Oct 31st, and he found multiple polyps and a tumor.

It's funny how you go to the doctor, not because you feel bad or have anything wrong with you that you know of, but just because it has been a long time and you know that it's about time you did. Especially if they've told you in the past that you need to have a check up every so often for one reason or another. So you make the appointment and go see the doctor.

You wake the morning of the appointment and feel the same way as the day before, not great maybe, but not bad either, certainly not sick. It's just supposed to be routine.

But then the doctor performs some test or another, again, because it's been a long time since the last one and 'you're due for one.' Except they come in and tell you, because of the results of the test, a number scored against a range, or a picture taken through a scope, or something, that all of a sudden, you are a gravely ill person. You have something seriously wrong with you. You don't feel any different than when you went in, but now you are gravely ill because some number says so, or some image says so. So it must be so, right?

You walk out of the doctor's office feeling like you're in bad shape, even though you're in the same shape you were when you went in. What has changed? Your mind, your outlook, your perspective. Perspective defines perception, and perception delineates experience. What your perspective is determines how you perceive something, and how you perceive it determines your experience of it. So your doctor changed your perspective by telling you that you are seriously ill. You perceive it to be so, because the doctor said it was so, and your own mind changes your experience of how you feel and how you are.

Now you have to change your way of living, the doctor says. Now you have to change what you eat, and there are certain things you cannot do anymore. The day before your appointment, you did those things and didn't feel any ill effects from it, but now you can't do that. Or maybe because the doctor saw something through that scope, in a picture, that was suspect, now your life might even be at risk. Now you may be facing one of the gravest illnesses of all - Cancer. To be sure, the kind of cancer that is the second leading cause of death in the modern world today. But you don't feel any different.

The doctor said that the tumor was sent to the lab. That if the pathology report came back showing that it was cancerous, then the doctor would have to remove my colon and we'd have to hope that it did not spread beyond that. But not only that, the scope shows that, never mind the cancer possibility, the UC has completely engulfed the entire colon, and it is severely inflamed. There are open, bleeding ulcers riddling the lining of my colon, and scar tissue that prevents the organ from doing it's job. And I CAN feel that. It's like heartburn, but in my bowel. I feel like I can sense the disease eating away, corrosively, at the lining of my colon. And I wonder how long it will be, cancer or no, before my colon is more of an enemy to me than a benefit. How long until it hurts me more than it helps me? It is quickly getting to that point.

The doctor said come back in a week for a follow up and to go over the lab results.

What a week it was. The change in perspective, perception, and experience for me was profound. How can I be the same after this? How can I go on with life, business as usual, when it is all different now? When it could even be over soon?

Decidedly, I could not. I am not the same person I was a week ago.

And the thing is, when I went back into that doctor's office today for the follow up appointment, waiting to hear the news, I honestly could not have said which news I would have been most disappointed to hear him say. That sounds like a horrible thing to admit. But it's true.

Years, many, many years ago, I was in the darkest depths of depression, and yes, suicidal. I came very close. Too close. And on several occasions, in several ways. But something stopped me. It was the thought of how it would affect the people to whom I meant something in their lives. I realized that whatever I was to them: sister, daughter, co-worker, friend, whatever....I had no right to take that away from them. Suicidal people rationalize it, saying: Well, it's my life, I ought to be able to choose to end it if I want to. But that is a very selfish (self-oriented and obsessed, self contained) point of view (perspective). The fact is, it's NOT your life, not exclusively. You are part of the lives of everyone to whom you mean something. And you do NOT have the right to take that away from THEM.

This is the thought that stayed my hand all those years ago. There is so much more to it than that, much more to the story to tell, and far more important realizations as to why suicide was no longer an option for me. But that is another story, for another time. Suffice it to say that it is not a viable option.

But that does not mean that I suddenly turned around and relished life going forward. Fuck you! Life is still hard; it hasn't gotten any easier to bear. And just because I would not hasten my own demise by my own hand doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome it if it came on it's own. Like cancer maybe.

And so I honestly didn't know what news I wanted to hear from that doctor today. In the past week, I've thought so much about it, worked out every thought train to the conclusion, and found I had mixed feelings. What I came to realize was that it just doesn't matter whether the tumor he found was cancerous or not. It just doesn't matter what I would have thought about getting that news....or not. The fact is, no matter which way it turned out, I would have to deal with it, for as long as there was time left to deal with it. And no matter the means of the end, no matter the timing of it, no matter whether it was welcome at last or fought until the end, it would be what it was, and I would have to deal with it.







I do not have colon cancer.....yet. The fact that a tumor grew there, the fact that multiple polyps grew there, the fact that the entire colon is inflamed and diseased, the fact that I've had this condition for over ten years, the fact that I will continue to get older, and each passing year that I have this disease accumulates the chances of getting cancer, all makes me wonder whether I really should be relieved or not.

I don't have cancer.

I still have UC. I still have diabetes. I still have depression. I still have musculo-skeletal problems. I am still functionally mute. I have a lot to deal with. Who doesn't? But I am not getting out of this before it's time. So however long it takes, I have to deal with it all until then, in the best way I can.

I'm not the same person I was a week ago. I still have the same problems I had then, but at least not a new one.....so far. I DO have a different perspective though. Some things haven't really changed, and yet I feel like nothing is going to be the same again.

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

Sneaks in to read her words quietly. Taking time to digest everything she has said. His own changes, and struggles in the past few years made him one of the few who could actually understand. Sometimes it was important just to have someone to understand.

Walking over to her slowly he wraps his arms around her. Giving her a tender, loving squeeze and then a soft kiss upon her cheek, chin, and brow.

I am here for you Thyri, no matter what happens on my end there is always time for you. If you'd like to talk just say the word. Matter of fact I might jump the gun and poke you later anyway.

I cannot life your burdens for you, or take them away, but I can be there next to you while you cope with them. And as long as you don't mind bad jokes, and shaving clippings in the sink I'm a pretty good travel companion.


Much love for you