Who is in Control

[RJMasters]

Just maybe...

The Dom/me has the POWER to initiate action.
The submissive has the POWER to terminate action.

Though the other may exercise the other's one power to some limited degree in some fashion or another, the above two statements are true.

Who's power is greater? Both are very very different and equally powerful.

Though I understand how the question was formed, it is framed in the wrong context which makes it a circular argument and usually enlightens no one, but does cause alot of conflicts with flying opinions.

It is not a matter to figure out who has the greater power of the two, but more of accepting the two working together and how they bring balance and completeness to each other.

When it happens, its called a good working BDSM relationship.

I would caution you in forming an opinion that one is more powerful than the other, as this would be faulty thinking and a springboard foundation which many bad relationships will be built upon.

 

[Pure]

around we go again.

i generally take Netzach's line that control in many bdsm relationships is, in fact, shared. this, at least where both are equally supposed to be 'pleased' 'satisfied' or {pick your label}.

i agree with the itsyuk and other posters who cite setting limits, for instance, as a form of control. indeed, policing an agreement, is a form of control {We agreed you would not stop my air supply; you did; so I'm considering leaving.}

THAT said, we all do assess relationships, and sometimes decide "A is (more) in control than B". Why? Well, whenever there's a dispute (go to beach or mountains) A's wishes carry the day (prevail).

Sometimes this is a sort of 'bottom dog' sort of control: "His invalid wife controls him by getting a fever whenever he wishes to leave for more than an hour." Her wish for him to stay, prevails.

Also, when they split up, who walks away with the lion's share: that's a good index of the relative 'power' of the two persons.

Another index. Once s/he's aware of it, the party who can most easily replace the other is in control.

Further, the temporary surrender of control involves being in control. "I will allow you to beat me unmercifully for the next hour; you may ignore my pleading."

In a nutshell, for the top or bottom (self labeled) it will be unclear who's in actually control, but chances are there's some sharing.

Arguably, where there really is control, you're probably out of the sphere of "bdsm" relationships are they are usually presented here. And the "bdsm" folks tend to label them questionable, if not abusive, and certainly not 'correct' (worthy of approval).

ps. the issue of how one might permanently give up or gradually give over all control, irreversibly, is another topic; that would involve losing the capacity to resist or leave, or even to 'police'.

 

[FungiUg]

Also, when they split up, who walks away with the lion's share: that's a good index of the relative 'power' of the two persons.

A bit sad if you have to split up to work out who is in control! Actually, I'm not so sure about this one. If both parties are out to get everything they can (i.e. a hostile split), then it might be true. But in the case of an amicable split, possibly not.

For example, when I split with my ex, I left her with everything, because I had an income and could replace anything I wanted, whereas she didn't and couldn't. So who got what wasn't about power, except perhaps that I had the power of an income!

 

[Kajira Callista]

You GIVE that control to the Dominant though, thus being in control of your power in the first place. You chose where to place your power.

You may never exercise it again, but that control was yours. Should it be horribly abused, would you not rescind it?

my point was...you dont take it back because you feel like it at the moment...i think you more then understand that bound.

 

[Pure]

FU,

The line about walking away with the lion's share was partly tongue in cheek.

You're right, it only applies where wishes conflict-- BOTH want the cottage. "Control" can be judged by 'whose wishes prevail' only where there is conflict in wishes.

If A, a generous soul, like yourself, *chooses* to give 60% of the assets to the other, B, esp. when A knows he can replenish them easily, he's clearly directing things.

 

[badlilthang]

just a lil thought on who's in charge...grins

everybody have their own way of seing things - and that goes for every aspect of life.

a mom/dad can be very dominant with her/his children - to keep them on the straight and narrow - and also be in control - but she/he has no problem to drop to her/his knees for her Master/Domme ~ if that is required.

i know a few Masters - and each and everyone of them - are totally different. What One demands - is a joke to the Other - and so on....Some wants total obedience, Others allow for questions and also a no...if the ride is too wild.

The most inportant thing to me will always be to share my mind with my One. To open up to Him - tell Him ever fear i have - every dream and every little need. To love myself and accept myself - and always try to better myself. If i can not be happy with my "self" - how can i go to a Master and ask for Him to train me/use me/collar me....?

I have to be in charge of my own life - and my own strength and flaws - before i can submit to Another...but then i willingly do so - with pride in my heart and my entire being. I trust Him and i offer Him my submission - as He gives me His dominance. Without one the other can not exist.

But who is in charge?

Yes, i can use a safeword. Yes, i have hard limits.

Yes, He can stop when ever He wants to - no matter how much i beg and cry. Yes, He can push....and mostly because He knows when to push - and when not to...

Power exhange...is a wonderful thing....EXCHANGE...not One in charge...and one blindly obeying...but Ttwo - in perfect harmony with Oone another...on the same path - learning from Eeach Oother...s...growing Ttogether...

Sometimes the paths will part - Wwe do grow in different directions - but i do say i always learn on my way. Sometimes i experience things i do not want to even go near again - and other times i touch sides inside myself i did not even know i had...

All in all....a very exciting and fullfilling journey...in the world of D/s...s...as long as Bboth wants the best for the Oother...

hugs


bad~

and - being blonde...i have to ask...how do i get my picture up under my name.?.chuckles....(muttering under my breath *L*)

 

[Kajira Callista]

99 more posts


I think you found a way to say what alot of us could not say and get the point across. thanks

 

[badlilthang]

99 bottles of....

...giggle...ok - 98 more posts...

It is interesting to read all the views people have on the same thing..s..D/s - BDSM...some i nod to....others make me shake my head profusely in a noooo...but even though i might not agree with Eeveryone...i would defend Ttheir right to say/feel and live Ttheir own way.

Respect is a good thing...Safe...Sane...Consensual...as long as we remember that - and also..no matter how harsh a relation may seem for Others....it is hopefully a "deal" between consensual adults...s...

Hugs

bad~

 

[FungiUg]

Re: 99 bottles of....

...i might not agree with Eeveryone...

No, you MUST agree! You must! We will turn you into a good little programmed robot yet. Your mind will become mush, putty in our collective hands... just as soon as we can all agree on what you must agree with!

 

[badlilthang]

Re: Re: 99 bottles of....

Your mind will become mush, putty in our collective hands... soon as we can all agree on what you must agree with!

eyes narrowing and then widens to huge innocent pools of blue...um....i am blonde, my mind is mushy enough as it is...thank You very much..*L*...

scurries out.....

 

[Betticus]

Re: Re: 99 bottles of....

No, you MUST agree! You must! We will turn you into a good little programmed robot yet. Your mind will become mush, putty in our collective hands... just as soon as we can all agree on what you must agree with!

I think... no... I know. She will post 96 more posts with a quickness so she can get her av up.

There. That is your assignment. To post.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Re: 99 bottles of....

i am blonde, my mind is mushy enough as it is

Hmmm... in that case, we'll have to concentrate on getting some OTHER part of you mushy.

 

[badlilthang]

Re: Re: Re: Re: 99 bottles of....

Hmmm... in that case, we'll have to concentrate on getting some OTHER part of you mushy.

uh..who says it is not mush all the time? *giggle*


Batticus said: "There. That is your assignment. To post."


ok....snatches the assigment and posts...again....~proud little wiggle~


bad~

 

[recycling]

I think there are truly individuals that are inherently submissive, and when they understand the strength inherent within them, and they master that source/transformative power~ they can skillfully/masterfully use their submissive art to assist the dominant's creative transformation without damaging the source of the dominant's creativeness...and his/her ego/pride

so I understand what you're asking, who's in control~

I think when people truly 'know' their power, a submissive could very well be the source that pushes the creation

(my thoughts may change upon reflection )



dom/mes are in control! of course!!! what was I thinking?

 

[Caitlynne]

I've heard this before -- even on CSI. I'm not sure I agree though. Ultimately, the submissive has control because they can stop the proceedings at any time. But... so too can the dominant. So that argument doesn't fly for me.

The simple answer is that there isn't a simple answer. Control is shared, flexible, moves about, and all of the people involved have elements of control.

This is one of the best answers I've seen in quite some time. Thank you FungiUg!

~ Cait

 

[h_i_s]

IMHO, based on personal experience and my understandings...

The boundaries should certainly exist regarding limts. However, i do not view them as an issue of control. More likely, observing limits should be based on respect & trust.

 

[cellis]

around we go again.

Also, when they split up, who walks away with the lion's share: that's a good index of the relative 'power' of the two persons.

I think it depends on who had what when they got together... I kept what was mine and what he gave me... but I would have given it all up for things to ended differently...