Crimson,
I think the comments of your kind critics are good advice. But if you imagine your story as a portrait, I would say you are painting it with a ball-peen hammer.
This is a Coming of Age story -- a young woman at last realizing her inner passions. It is also intimate, between two people. It needs subtlety, nuance, titilation. It should seduce the reader just as the man in black seduces the woman.
We want to know more about her, the nature of her desires, where they arise from. We want to vicariously take part in the seduction -- to see her vulnerability exposed. We want to know this woman who the man in black (we) is going to have his way with.
Instead, we are driven by blunt force narrative into a fuckfest with stock phrases like, "Your tits are so big and luscious!"
If anything can ruin an otherwise promising story, it's cliched narrative and dialogue. Get rid of it. All of it. Just because a thousand writers have used those words doesn't mean you have to.
Make your characters come to life and you won't have to concern yourself nearly as much about the sex descriptions. The readers' imaginations will take care of a great deal of that if you've made them fall in love (or lust) with your people.
A technical note: break your story into shorter paragraphs. Nothing is more subconsciously intimidatinig to a reader than massive blocks of gray text.
If part of this sounds harsh, it is not meant to be. I'm just trying to make some crucial points -- without writing massive blocks of gray text!
I think the comments of your kind critics are good advice. But if you imagine your story as a portrait, I would say you are painting it with a ball-peen hammer.
This is a Coming of Age story -- a young woman at last realizing her inner passions. It is also intimate, between two people. It needs subtlety, nuance, titilation. It should seduce the reader just as the man in black seduces the woman.
We want to know more about her, the nature of her desires, where they arise from. We want to vicariously take part in the seduction -- to see her vulnerability exposed. We want to know this woman who the man in black (we) is going to have his way with.
Instead, we are driven by blunt force narrative into a fuckfest with stock phrases like, "Your tits are so big and luscious!"
If anything can ruin an otherwise promising story, it's cliched narrative and dialogue. Get rid of it. All of it. Just because a thousand writers have used those words doesn't mean you have to.
Make your characters come to life and you won't have to concern yourself nearly as much about the sex descriptions. The readers' imaginations will take care of a great deal of that if you've made them fall in love (or lust) with your people.
A technical note: break your story into shorter paragraphs. Nothing is more subconsciously intimidatinig to a reader than massive blocks of gray text.
If part of this sounds harsh, it is not meant to be. I'm just trying to make some crucial points -- without writing massive blocks of gray text!
