random ramblings

[the captians wench]

Okay, I just had a random thought so bare with me here.

Just a few weeks ago I was talking on the distance domination thread about the difference between saying Master to some one and saying my Master. I mentioned that I've mostly played with gorians, so every dom I play with has insisted on being called Master, which I have no problems with, but only one is ever called my Master, and that's Jounar.

In reading the books, and in talking to a practicing gorian slave, I've come to realize the significance in that little "my". Which brings me to my random thought.

"My" shows ownership, but a slave can not own anything, so how can she really use that fraze "my Master"? Is she not implying that she owns her Master? Maybe this is why that little two letter word holds so much value to a gorian slave. In a world where every one who is not a slave is Master, that little "my" to seperate the one who owns you, that little bit of implied ownership, connection, would seem to be worth so much.

Forgive me I just had to blurt that out.

 

[myinnerslut]

i call A mine sometimes, even though im his, not the other way around. he always laughs at me when i do that

 

[shy slave]

I have had similar thoughts when I have thought of him as 'my owner' or my partner.

The complications made my head hurt. Had to settle it by qualifying that I know what I mean.

Doesn't stop me telling him at times that 'he is mine' but I mean it in the sense that he has no other subs or slaves.

 

[WriterDom]

Mine said she'd castrate me if anyone else called me Master. I kind of like my balls.

I'm not a Gor though. But I love the slave positions.

 

[the captians wench]

Mine said she'd castrate me if anyone else called me Master. I kind of like my balls.

I'm not a Gor though. But I love the slave positions.

I'm not really gor either. But those I play with are, so I've learned a lot of the practices.

And I love the slave positions too. They are just so graceful and to watch some one who practices them on a daily basis is really something to behold. They really work some little worked muscles to hold as well, some of them anyway. I know my posture has improved a lot since learning them and being expected to hold any given one for any amount of time.

 

[midwestyankee]

This is hardly a random observation as it strikes at the very center of your self identification. One way to look at your use of "my" is this: it's really a two-directional word and signifies singularity as much as it signifies ownership.

Maybe a couple of examples will help here.

If I were to call you up and ask, "How's your weather?" you wouldn't even blink. You'd know exactly what I meant. Even though you don't own the weather by any means, it is unique to you in the sense that you live someplace different from me and so it's your weather and not mine.

If you come down with a cold it wouldn't be unusual for a friend to notice and ask, "How's your cold?" Again, you hardly own the cold (in a sense it possesses you but that's another thing altogether) but it's certainly yours and unique to you.

So, you don't own Jounar in any sense but his relationship to you is unique, singular, and so it is fully accurate for you to call him "my" Master.

I hope this helps.

mwy

 

[the captians wench]

another random thought

I've been letting my mind kind of wonder this morning, and I stumbled upon a memory of a scene with a friend whom for various reasons I have not spoken with in nearly a year.

It was my birthday, and the evening started with 3 guys all taking turns wailing on me, two of them got bored eventually and moved on to other activities while the third kept at me there on the couch. When the knife came out and he started doing some knife play on me, one of the two others looked over from his computer and said "um by the way, what's her safe word?". With out missing a beat the one still playing with me looks at him and says "my name". In all truth we had never talked about safe words, and I just vaguely knew the concept at that time.

I wonder if these early leaps of faith as they were may have atributed to my own understandings of what a safe word is for and how they are ment to be used. And even the idea that using one for what ever reason could be disrespectful.

I always wanted to be a good little project for that particular friend. He introduced me to a lot of things, and would protect me with his life while he was around. But I wonder some times if his, and other's that I know, protection of me kept me from seeing certain things.

My ex husband told me before he left that he wished he had my view on the world, and that he was afraid of what I would be when the world showed me a different face from the child like innocent view he said I have. My mom doesn't think that I'm quite as nieve as he thinks that I am/was, but some times I wonder.

but anyway that particular night reminded me of a conversation that I had with a friend about safe words, and using different safe words for different things. The friend from that night trafic light trained me after that. He would periodically ask me how I was doing, and green was all good, yellow I needed a break, red I've had enough. Depending on my responce he would act apropriately. Later another word mixed into the equation, "juice". It's simple enough that I can remember because in that moment that I call juice, that's exactly what I need, my sugar is too low I need oj pronto. but I never really considered juice a safe word until that conversation.

I call juice, because that's what I need. When I call yellow, that's what I need, to slow down. When I call red, that's what I need, to at least put a halt to things in that moment and step back or crash or what ever. So why do I view these words so differently. The few times I have called yellow, I felt disapointed in myself that I had to stop and catch my breath. I've been almost ashamed to call red. But juice has never once bothered me.

could it have been the aproach to these words that makes the difference? Could it be that because juice was never given to me as a safe word, that I don't see the "shame" in using it as with the other words. Is introduction the key to why some subs feel shame in using safe words and some don't? I mean there's a huge difference in saying "if you are uncomfortable at any point use this word, and if you don't use it, and you get hurt, I'm going to be very upset with you" and " you must not be afraid to tell me what you need. if you need juice tell me so". could the asshat actually have done something good for me?

okay enough rambling, time for my morning snack.

 

[Netzach]

could the asshat actually have done something good for me?

okay enough rambling, time for my morning snack.

Lots of good stuff and observations, but edited down to say it is possible. It's good to look at one or two things learned in every lousy experience, anyway, and I consider even really asshole-driven failed relationships as good teaching experiences for myself.

Both of your "ramblings" seem to have to do with certain constructs that are problematic for people who really want to feel like they are not in control. I know certain PYL's discourage theirs from ever using a possessive pronoun in relation to them because it puts them in a different mindset, kind of like third-person-speak might.

But I encourage my bottoms/subs/etc. to view a safeword as a way to convey information to me, not as a way to control the scene. When I'm with someone who's REALLY oriented toward pleasing me I try very hard to put them in a position in which it's less likely than I'll be disappointed by them than not. I honestly believe taking an earnest service personality and always harping on their shortcoming and failure IS abuse - it's one thing to play with a brat who loves the feeling of being screwed and painted into a corner - a serious service personality is going to have different issues around that and different tolerances.

 

[the captians wench]

Lots of good stuff and observations, but edited down to say it is possible. It's good to look at one or two things learned in every lousy experience, anyway, and I consider even really asshole-driven failed relationships as good teaching experiences for myself.

Both of your "ramblings" seem to have to do with certain constructs that are problematic for people who really want to feel like they are not in control. I know certain PYL's discourage theirs from ever using a possessive pronoun in relation to them because it puts them in a different mindset, kind of like third-person-speak might.

But I encourage my bottoms/subs/etc. to view a safeword as a way to convey information to me, not as a way to control the scene. When I'm with someone who's REALLY oriented toward pleasing me I try very hard to put them in a position in which it's less likely than I'll be disappointed by them than not. I honestly believe taking an earnest service personality and always harping on their shortcoming and failure IS abuse - it's one thing to play with a brat who loves the feeling of being screwed and painted into a corner - a serious service personality is going to have different issues around that and different tolerances.

that last line makes so much since to me and is actually one of the many reasons I felt it was time to move one. When I was little I worked so hard to please my parents, I poured my heart into everything that I did. My step dad was pleased as punch, and praised and braged about me all the time. I was his golden child. My mom on the other hand made me feel like I was never good enough for her, and I was never going to be.

As this moves on to my relationships with people in my adult life I've noticed the same tendencies whether it's with friends, employers, or more intemate relationships. I take on extra projects, do services for friends, or what ever I can to really make them happy with me. For the most part they apreciate it and I get the gratification i need in forms of praise, hugs, certificats, what have you. But in this last case, I just decided I was tired of not feeling good enough, and I realized I would never feel good enough for him, and I'm just worth more than that, and worth more than what he was offering anyway.

 

[Netzach]

But in this last case, I just decided I was tired of not feeling good enough, and I realized I would never feel good enough for him, and I'm just worth more than that, and worth more than what he was offering anyway.

I am SURE you are - and I'm glad you reached that conclusion.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay more random thoughts.....

I was just thinking about how much one little phraze can totally reasure me. No mater what just happened, whether it was expected or not. If I hear "good girl", "good slut", "good slave", "good pet", or something simular I just feel like all is right in the world. If I get a pat on the head, or a hug or kiss with it, it's just that much more powerful.

It just amazes me. I could be beaten to a bloody pulp, spat on, and then told that I didn't even deserve the treatment I was getting, but as long as at the end of it I get lifted up, held, my hair brused, and hear "good pyl" at least once, then I'm beyond okay, I'm overjoyed.

such a simple little thing, but nothing brings a shit eating grin to my face like hearing "good pet" out of no where.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

Nala's Random Thought

ok. my turn for a random thought. I get tickled pink when I see a PM from "my" D that calls me Pet or says that I am a good whore. Just gives me the warm fuzzies inside

 

[the captians wench]

This morning when I woke up I glanced over at the table beside my bed. Sitting there, where it has been for nearly two weeks, was the collar I've worn for the better part of 2 years (infact it would have been 2 years at the end of this month). It was the first collar I ever wore. The little purple tag "if found please return to Ireland" kind of shimmers in the little bit of light peaking thru the window. My thought when I saw this was "what do I do with you now?"

For two years I've worn this little "piece of jewelry" only taking it off to go to work and shower. I would even forget sometimes and wear it in the pool. *giggles* It's been apart of me, and I didn't even really realize how much so.

When the event happened that lead me to rip it off my neck and throw it were it now lies, I felt so strange not to have it on. For the first 2 or 3 days that it sat there I felt naked, seperated, and a bit like I was lost, I couldn't see myself with out it. Now I can't see myself ever wearing it again.

I don't know what hurts more, the fact that this happened, that he felt the need to tell me to move on thinking it's what I wanted when he never asked me what I wanted which lead me to rip that precious piece of leather from my throat, or the fact that I can't see it ever gracing my neck again.

So what do you do with a collar when what it stands for is no longer as significant to you?

The funny part about all of this is that I never realized how much I connected this collar with him. I always called it my collar, I bought it, I put the tag on, I decided what the tag should say, Hell he didn't even see me put it on for the first time. But some how, it is more his than I thought. Which pisses me off because it's the only one that's broken in properly!

I have others that don't hold as much meaning, which is funny to me since they were all bought "under his name", but I don't hardly wear them out, where before you wouldn't see me with out one on. I'm kind of glad this happened after my brother and his family went back to kansas as my niece won't talk to me unless I'm wearing a collar and as much as that would hurt me I think it would have been more painful to wear one.

I have decided what would make me happiest in my life, now the hard part is to tell him. I thought I could just go undecided for a while, but I think I always knew what conclution I would come to, I was just hoping it would change.

The destination has changed, but it was still a beautiful journey and I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything.

Maybe mom was right, and he was a security blanket of sorts. Some one close enough to my heart to keep my happy, but far enough away from me physically that it was "safe" to love and not fear being hurt. Well she wasn't right on with the hurt part, this hurts like hell, but I do think she's right that it's time to put the security blanket on the bed where it can still be loved and cuddled, but not carried around everywhere.

 

[myinnerslut]

*tear*

i am so sorry wenchie. if there is anything i can do to make his easier...

{{hug}}

 

[Netzach]

This morning when I woke up I glanced over at the table beside my bed. Sitting there, where it has been for nearly two weeks, was the collar I've worn for the better part of 2 years (infact it would have been 2 years at the end of this month). It was the first collar I ever wore. The little purple tag "if found please return to Ireland" kind of shimmers in the little bit of light peaking thru the window. My thought when I saw this was "what do I do with you now?"

For two years I've worn this little "piece of jewelry" only taking it off to go to work and shower. I would even forget sometimes and wear it in the pool. *giggles* It's been apart of me, and I didn't even really realize how much so.

When the event happened that lead me to rip it off my neck and throw it were it now lies, I felt so strange not to have it on. For the first 2 or 3 days that it sat there I felt naked, seperated, and a bit like I was lost, I couldn't see myself with out it. Now I can't see myself ever wearing it again.

I don't know what hurts more, the fact that this happened, that he felt the need to tell me to move on thinking it's what I wanted when he never asked me what I wanted which lead me to rip that precious piece of leather from my throat, or the fact that I can't see it ever gracing my neck again.

So what do you do with a collar when what it stands for is no longer as significant to you?

The funny part about all of this is that I never realized how much I connected this collar with him. I always called it my collar, I bought it, I put the tag on, I decided what the tag should say, Hell he didn't even see me put it on for the first time. But some how, it is more his than I thought. Which pisses me off because it's the only one that's broken in properly!

I have others that don't hold as much meaning, which is funny to me since they were all bought "under his name", but I don't hardly wear them out, where before you wouldn't see me with out one on. I'm kind of glad this happened after my brother and his family went back to kansas as my niece won't talk to me unless I'm wearing a collar and as much as that would hurt me I think it would have been more painful to wear one.

I have decided what would make me happiest in my life, now the hard part is to tell him. I thought I could just go undecided for a while, but I think I always knew what conclution I would come to, I was just hoping it would change.

The destination has changed, but it was still a beautiful journey and I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything.

Maybe mom was right, and he was a security blanket of sorts. Some one close enough to my heart to keep my happy, but far enough away from me physically that it was "safe" to love and not fear being hurt. Well she wasn't right on with the hurt part, this hurts like hell, but I do think she's right that it's time to put the security blanket on the bed where it can still be loved and cuddled, but not carried around everywhere.

Oh wenchie - I'm so sorry.

But you're really wise and really intelligent and I have to say I really admire that you feel you've learned and you can see the things that may be learned in this. I don't think I'd have that kind of fortitude under heartbreak. Seriously. Props.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Oh wenchie I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. I don't know what I'd do if Master and I split up and I haven't even been with him that long.

It's possible your mom is right and that you've run the course with jounar. I just know that when you are through 'pending' you come out stronger, wiser and ready for a new relationship - hopefully with someone who isn't so far away. You sound like you're sure of what you want now and that's half the battle IMO.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}​

Just as a total side note, what's a gorian exactly? Haven't heard the term before.

 

[FurryFury]

*HUGS and HUGS*

 

[the captians wench]

I'm actually in a good place. I'm happy with a lot of things that are going on in my life right now. And really we haven't been in the same place for quite a while now. I love him deeply, but I just don't hold him in the same spot in my life as I once did. It's obvious that our ideas of what the future holds are not the same, or even paralle, so I think he's right, this is for the best, it just took me a bit longer to accept that.

Long term, I'm still not sure what I want, but I know what makes me happy right now, and I can see it making me happy for quite a while. I don't know if it will last or if this is just another passing scene on the road, but I've always been one to try to enjoy the ride and not worry so much how we get there.

Just for some reason that sight this morning sparked some thoughts. i really don't know what to do with that collar. *giggles* I can't see myself wearing it again, but I also can't see myself parting with it or even putting it in a drawer or packing it away. So for now it'll stay there, until I figure out where it and he will fit into my life now, as I just can't see either one leaving completely.

 

[Netzach]

I'm actually in a good place. I'm happy with a lot of things that are going on in my life right now. And really we haven't been in the same place for quite a while now. I love him deeply, but I just don't hold him in the same spot in my life as I once did. It's obvious that our ideas of what the future holds are not the same, or even paralle, so I think he's right, this is for the best, it just took me a bit longer to accept that.

Long term, I'm still not sure what I want, but I know what makes me happy right now, and I can see it making me happy for quite a while. I don't know if it will last or if this is just another passing scene on the road, but I've always been one to try to enjoy the ride and not worry so much how we get there.

Just for some reason that sight this morning sparked some thoughts. i really don't know what to do with that collar. *giggles* I can't see myself wearing it again, but I also can't see myself parting with it or even putting it in a drawer or packing it away. So for now it'll stay there, until I figure out where it and he will fit into my life now, as I just can't see either one leaving completely.

I still have the pair of shoes that were first licked by a man. I cared about him, he played me, it was brief and sucky and embarrassing - there's really not much in common with your rel. except that he was my FIRST.

And the firsts that you choose always have a kind of lingering something. He was an asshole! But it still makes me smile and sped me down my road nicely. I still wear those shoes but not often, because I don't want to wear them out.

Bottom line of this: you'll figure out what to do with it.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Awww wenchie.. I am so sorry you are hurting.... {{{{{WENCH}}}}}} big hugs and lots of kisses and shoulder to cry on if you need it... I am here...

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm actually in a good place. I'm happy with a lot of things that are going on in my life right now. And really we haven't been in the same place for quite a while now. I love him deeply, but I just don't hold him in the same spot in my life as I once did. It's obvious that our ideas of what the future holds are not the same, or even paralle, so I think he's right, this is for the best, it just took me a bit longer to accept that.

Long term, I'm still not sure what I want, but I know what makes me happy right now, and I can see it making me happy for quite a while. I don't know if it will last or if this is just another passing scene on the road, but I've always been one to try to enjoy the ride and not worry so much how we get there.

Just for some reason that sight this morning sparked some thoughts. i really don't know what to do with that collar. *giggles* I can't see myself wearing it again, but I also can't see myself parting with it or even putting it in a drawer or packing it away. So for now it'll stay there, until I figure out where it and he will fit into my life now, as I just can't see either one leaving completely.

And the firsts that you choose always have a kind of lingering something.

Wench, I'm sorry to hear of your hurt, but I'm very hopeful at reading that you know you're in a good place. That makes all the difference in the world. It also sounds like you're attributing this breakup to the proper source: people grow and sometimes not in the same directions.

Netz makes a good point (as usual). The firsts that we choose will always be with us - and that's a very, very good thing. Yes it is.

 

[Homburg]

"w" hasn't brought the collar back to me yet. I don't want it. I'm gonna cry like a damned baby when she does bring it back.

I told her last week that I want it to finish it, as I didn't have any dye when I made it for her, and I got some dye. Before I got the chance to get it back from her and dye it for her, she broke things off. Now though, I don't know that I ever want to see it again. Yeah, etiquette says I made it and gave it to her as a sign of acceptance of submission, and that it should come back to me, but damned if I don't know exactly what you mean when you say "can't see myself parting with it or even putting it in a drawer or packing it away".

There's a whole lot of emotion invested in those little pieces of leather, on both sides of the buckle.

Edit: I am sorry about your loss, but glad to see that you are in a better place. I hope to get to that better place soon myself.

 

[HB1965]

I'm sorry wenchie. From what I've seen you're a sweet and intelligent person, and I know this experience will only make you stonger.

 

[the captians wench]

another random ramble

I've noticed a lot on the boards people saying things like "I know I'll never call any one else master". I myself remember telling my husband that I would never sleep with another man if he left me...yeah that lasted about 8 months. But I also remember saying I would never fall in love with any one else, and since then it has happened a few times. When Jounar told me he thought it best for me to move on, I said I would never wear his collar again, and it has graced my neck happily a few times since then, I said I would never be able to trust him again, and again thos feelings have subsided.

What is it that makes us feel like this moment, what I am feeling right now, is something that will last thru the ages? What is it that makes us feel like these phrases, these moments are the final decitions and can not be changed? And if we truely feel that way, then why is it that these things can change?

It reminds me of playing with the magnidoodle when I was a kid. I'd draw a picture and think to my self "this is how this will stay for ever and ever and ever" and with one swipe on a later whip it's gone and the picture is changed.

So if we realize that tho we may say something is final, we know there are great posibilities that it will change, why do we insist on using the finite terminology? Could it be for our own since of drama? Are we, as humans, just drawn to drama in one extream or the other?

 

[Homburg]

Humans love drama (to an extent). It makes us feel caught up in something larger than ourselves, as if we really are but actors on a stage, to paraphrase The Bard. I know I've done it...