random ramblings

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I've noticed a lot on the boards people saying things like "I know I'll never call any one else master".

I think i have say this and i have very good reason for it-i know mysef.

I am not leaving people i love eventho i maybe should sometimes. I stayed with my man thro lots of shits, thro lots of ups and downs. Most of normal woman would have leave him hundert times, but i am staying. I always did and guess i always will. I am kinda nerdy in this lol, so thats why i said what i said.

 

[the captians wench]

I think i have say this and i have very good reason for it-i know mysef.

I am not leaving people i love eventho i maybe should sometimes. I stayed with my man thro lots of shits, thro lots of ups and downs. Most of normal woman would have leave him hundert times, but i am staying. I always did and guess i always will. I am kinda nerdy in this lol, so thats why i said what i said.

I wasn't picking you out specifically. Your thread just sparked an idea in my head is all.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I've noticed a lot on the boards people saying things like "I know I'll never call any one else master". I myself remember telling my husband that I would never sleep with another man if he left me...yeah that lasted about 8 months. But I also remember saying I would never fall in love with any one else, and since then it has happened a few times. When Jounar told me he thought it best for me to move on, I said I would never wear his collar again, and it has graced my neck happily a few times since then, I said I would never be able to trust him again, and again thos feelings have subsided.

What is it that makes us feel like this moment, what I am feeling right now, is something that will last thru the ages? What is it that makes us feel like these phrases, these moments are the final decitions and can not be changed? And if we truely feel that way, then why is it that these things can change?

It reminds me of playing with the magnidoodle when I was a kid. I'd draw a picture and think to my self "this is how this will stay for ever and ever and ever" and with one swipe on a later whip it's gone and the picture is changed.

So if we realize that tho we may say something is final, we know there are great posibilities that it will change, why do we insist on using the finite terminology? Could it be for our own since of drama? Are we, as humans, just drawn to drama in one extream or the other?

I know for me, My life has been in a uber whirlwind these last few weeks, I had a master who just dissapeared on me I thought at one time Ill never ever accept another mans collar. and Ill never get over him, although every day is a struggle and my current Sir is very accepting of this , he knows what this previous master had done to my mind and spirit. I never expected to to submit to him but it felt so right I did what felt right to me ( and let me tell you Ive been chastized for it) I prolly hurt some people along my way but I have to do for me what is right for me. I cannot be the person everyone else wants I have a lot going on and when I know how my life will play out it will be easy for me, but life is never that easy as it is journey like a long walk, sometimes you run, sometimes you crawl, sometimes you smile sometimes you cry.... I understand what your saying wenchie..... I truly do..

 

[the captians wench]

I know for me, My life has been in a uber whirlwind these last few weeks, I had a master who just dissapeared on me I thought at one time Ill never ever accept another mans collar. and Ill never get over him, although every day is a struggle and my current Sir is very accepting of this , he knows what this previous master had done to my mind and spirit. I never expected to to submit to him but it felt so right I did what felt right to me ( and let me tell you Ive been chastized for it) I prolly hurt some people along my way but I have to do for me what is right for me. I cannot be the person everyone else wants I have a lot going on and when I know how my life will play out it will be easy for me, but life is never that easy as it is journey like a long walk, sometimes you run, sometimes you crawl, sometimes you smile sometimes you cry.... I understand what your saying wenchie..... I truly do..

I can sooo relate sweetie.

I've had guys disapear on me. I've had "masters" release me, don't talk to me for a month, then come back and say we just had a fight. And I have a couple who truely love me and want what's best for me. They each may have their faults, they each may make decitions that I don't agree with, but they each have their place in my heart, and each say I can carry as many as my little heart will hold, as long as they always have a place in it. And they always shall.

Life does become a whirlwind at times...Lord do I know that! and some times we pick up travelers along the way. Some times they are there for the whole ride, some times part, and some times they slip in and out where they need to be. Some times the thing we want the most, is the thing we need the least. And sometimes the thing we think we don't want, is what makes us happiest.

I never thought I could share my Love with some one else, but he does have friends he can find a moment with, as he's encouraged me to, and I'm happy that he has that, tho I do wish it was me. *giggles* And I never thought I could be happy with a sir who was already attached, but I am happy, and I love them both dearly.

The road will change a lot along the journey, I'm just going to enjoy the veiw for a while.

 

[the captians wench]

today's randomness

I'm officially on day 3 of my vacation, tho I kind of turned saturday into a vacation day as well. *giggles* It's nice to have crew when you have no customers .

Saturday was a full day, and tho I don't want to discuss details here because I have not okayed it with the people involved, there were a lot of revelations and just good stuff happening along with putting a new hole in my body *giggles*. The whole day saturday just left me feeling very loved and accepted and I'm extatic to be in this place with those friends.

But today, I'm preparing to meet my dad's newest girlfriend. So far she sounds very sweet, and she's edgicated. My dad has a really bad track record. His last few girls have been drugies who did not wish to get clean. Treated him like shit, treated us like shit, and the last one now has two kids (one his one the boyfriend's she was seeing while they were married) who she also treats like shit. I'm not very good at keeping my mouth shut about personal things, as most who have been here long enough might have picked up on. Just like I blurt out here things that people may not need to know, I do that in real life as well.

I decided to tone down my dress a little. Opting for the wire collar insted of the leather one my dad is used to seeing me in. And tho I have the shirt with the thumb holes that I usually wear the cuffs with, I'm opting to leave the cuffs at home. So not quite "daddy's little girl" but then again I haven't been that for quite some time.

My dad and I don't really get along. To be honest, he's not sure how to be a father, and it's not really his fault, he had some really crappy examples. He's had a hard life, and I realize that, and I try to go easy on him because I know he really is trying, but some times I just can't help but think "wtf is wrong with you?"

i kind of hold him up to my step-father's example, which isn't fair. My step dad had his problems too, some things a child just should not be exposed to, but he always made me feel loved and protected. I could sit for hours in his lap and he wouldn't say a word until I was ready to get up. Even when he was watching sports, I could sit at his feet and eat up his attention, and he never once told me to move. That may be why I eat up the whole floor pet bit.

I realize my dad moving to michigain to start a new family when I was little started the abandonment issues, and my mom working 45 hours a week and then being pretty anti social to us kids added to it. But I think the topper was when my step dad died. The whole time growing up he was the only person that didn't make me feel like my attention needs were a bad thing. Every one else would push me away after a while. And continuing into my adult life, it's been hard to find some one who will just allow me to back in their presence as much as I need to. To cuddle, and snuggle, and hug and kiss, or even just sit at thier feet for a while. But I think I've found some one who does more than just tolerate it, and that's a good feeling.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Wenchie
T minus 10 days girl.. YIPPEE!@!!

 

[the captians wench]

Wenchie
T minus 10 days girl.. YIPPEE!@!!

*giggles*

 

[SubKekiLee]

*giggles*

So we can grab some lunch.. and then I can get back on the road cause I gotta make chicago at an reasonable hour =0) but cant wait..

Giggling and laughing..

 

[the captians wench]

So we can grab some lunch.. and then I can get back on the road cause I gotta make chicago at an reasonable hour =0) but cant wait..

Giggling and laughing..

sure thing girlie

 

[the captians wench]

So I'm sorting my patterns tonight and I come across my wedding dress. I remember when I bought it. 16 and in love, dreaming of what my wedding would be like. I was still new to sewing, but I figured if I could do a court dress I could make my wedding dress. I priced everything, the satin, the lace, buttons, lining, and sent the price tag to my dad. He never did get the money for me to start, and I never got my wedding.

We eloped, the day before we were moving in together. We had planed on having a big wedding for our fifth aniversery, that would have been this past feb.

I've hung on to that pattern unable to part with it, dreaming of the wedding I never had. At this point, I'm not sure I want to be married again, I just want a wedding. Imagine that wenchie wants a day that's all about her.

It's funny, I realize that I'm only 24, and that there is still plenty of time to find some one and marry and have kids and everything that I wanted growing up, but I'm not sure that that's what I want anymore, I'm not sure what I want anymore.

I think I will make my wedding dress. Even if it never gets worn, it deserves to be completed.

 

[the captians wench]

I've noticed something about myself over the past couple of years, I adapt myself to be what best fits the person I am with. I adapted myself a lot to fit what Jounar expected(expects) me to be, for instance how much I expected contact with him. With one playmate that I had for a signifigant amount of time, I was very coy, shy, reserved but still the desperate little slut he wanted. With the one I refur to as master asshole, I based almost my entire life around him, he wanted a complete mindless drone of a slave, and that's what I became. With him I currently fondly call Sir, I'm the bubbly giggly cheeky spoiled little pet, sort of reminds me of what I was like in highschool.

Each man, or asshole as case may be, needed something different, and I completely changed to fit what they need(ed). What I haven't figured out is if this is good or bad. To a certian degree it's a characteristic of myself that I really enjoy, but when it goes as far as it did with master asshole, and completely changes some of my core values, or starts to, then I am not so fond of it.

I guess I am just trying to figure out what I want for myself. I have been depending on other people to tell me what I want, what I think, how I feel, etc for so long that I am starting to wonder what it is I really think, feel, want, and need. That's another thing I'm trying to define, what I want verses what I need. While I may want a weekend with my dear sir all alone, I need just a certian amount of time with him to be happy and content and that time doesn't even have to be one on one. While I want to be face to face with Jounar, I need only to know he's in my life in some form.

It's funny how my wants and needs have changed in the past few years, and even the past few months, but now I'm finding myself at a point where I'm not sure of all my wants and needs. What do I want in a relationship and then what is a need and the must haves? What do I want out of my job, what do I need out of it? What do I want to do with my life, what do I need to do to get there? What do I want out of the future?


Then i look around and realize there are others that are older than I am who are asking the same questions, so maybe I'm nto all that lost.

I think that's why I like hanging around and dating the people I do. The ones that work the best with me have been the ones that are "together" in their lives, everything is set and stable. Maybe that's what I am really looking for, stability. i don't think I've ever had stablility in my life, tho admittedly there are people that have had it a lot worse than I have. I've had a pretty pertected life. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so lost and confused. I've always been protected and guided to do well everything that I have done, now I'm being encouraged to discover things for myself, and that's a scary concept.

 

[the captians wench]

I just feel like crying today. I'm not exactly sure why, or maybe I just don't want to admit why. I've hit a point in my life where I seem to be questioning more than I'm answering. I know it's time for some changes, I'm feeling restless, and that's always a sign of changes to come in the future. The question is, what changes?

When I started at McDonald's, I was a house wife working part time to take a bit of the burden off of my husband as he started school. I hadn't worked in 2 years, and my prior employer was giving me a bad refference, mcyd's was the only place that would hire me. I never wanted to make a career out of it, it was a nesessity. When my ex left, I had to go full time, when my mom kicked me out of the house, I had to go into management. For a brief moment in time, when I went to a few of the classes, I got excited about my job, and about future posibilities. I love motivating people, and when i got it into my head that I could do that job, I saught the next level up... the posistion I'm in now.

I now find myself in a store that looks dismal. I can't be promoted or even considered for a promotion with the store in the shape it's in, and now, I'm not sure that I want it anyway. I think it's time to move on. I know now that I can stand on my own, I can be accertive when I need to be, I can talk to people I don't know. Just in general the world isn't the scary place I thought it was, I can handle this.

So it may be time to turn in my mcshirts and move on, infact I know it's time. I have support behind me, and most importantly, I have my confidence back. I know what I'm capible of, and it's the world that should be scared of me, not the other way around.

 

[rida]

I just feel like crying today. I'm not exactly sure why, or maybe I just don't want to admit why. I've hit a point in my life where I seem to be questioning more than I'm answering. I know it's time for some changes, I'm feeling restless, and that's always a sign of changes to come in the future. The question is, what changes?

When I started at McDonald's, I was a house wife working part time to take a bit of the burden off of my husband as he started school. I hadn't worked in 2 years, and my prior employer was giving me a bad refference, mcyd's was the only place that would hire me. I never wanted to make a career out of it, it was a nesessity. When my ex left, I had to go full time, when my mom kicked me out of the house, I had to go into management. For a brief moment in time, when I went to a few of the classes, I got excited about my job, and about future posibilities. I love motivating people, and when i got it into my head that I could do that job, I saught the next level up... the posistion I'm in now.

I now find myself in a store that looks dismal. I can't be promoted or even considered for a promotion with the store in the shape it's in, and now, I'm not sure that I want it anyway. I think it's time to move on. I know now that I can stand on my own, I can be accertive when I need to be, I can talk to people I don't know. Just in general the world isn't the scary place I thought it was, I can handle this.

So it may be time to turn in my mcshirts and move on, infact I know it's time. I have support behind me, and most importantly, I have my confidence back. I know what I'm capible of, and it's the world that should be scared of me, not the other way around.

From the little I know about you, reading here on Lit, you have come a long way. You seem to know what you want now, where you stand and where you want to go. Change is never painless ... and yet it brings so much.

{hugs} ... you are a brave, smart, beatifull and caring woman ... you'll do great

... and thank you for bumping this thread up today ... I've been on the verge of tears all day myself ... and many of the things you and others wrote here have helped me feel a little bit better ... thank you

 

[Netzach]

I've noticed a lot on the boards people saying things like "I know I'll never call any one else master". I myself remember telling my husband that I would never sleep with another man if he left me...yeah that lasted about 8 months. But I also remember saying I would never fall in love with any one else, and since then it has happened a few times. When Jounar told me he thought it best for me to move on, I said I would never wear his collar again, and it has graced my neck happily a few times since then, I said I would never be able to trust him again, and again thos feelings have subsided.

What is it that makes us feel like this moment, what I am feeling right now, is something that will last thru the ages? What is it that makes us feel like these phrases, these moments are the final decitions and can not be changed? And if we truely feel that way, then why is it that these things can change?

It reminds me of playing with the magnidoodle when I was a kid. I'd draw a picture and think to my self "this is how this will stay for ever and ever and ever" and with one swipe on a later whip it's gone and the picture is changed.

So if we realize that tho we may say something is final, we know there are great posibilities that it will change, why do we insist on using the finite terminology? Could it be for our own since of drama? Are we, as humans, just drawn to drama in one extream or the other?

In my case I've *tried* to elicit the feeling for people other than my Bull, to no avail. I'm not discounting possibilities, but for me it's based on about a decade of track record. The likelihood of other people getting me into a long-range submissive mindset is low. Most people are wired Dominant to the point where I don't mesh well with them, or submissive to the point where they will just settle into submitting to me - even he's more the latter.

But I definitely have felt like I'm not going to fall in love (again) or I'm just getting ready to commit to living on my own and then someone annoyingly comes along like M and fucks up those plans entirely.

 

[Netzach]

I just feel like crying today. I'm not exactly sure why, or maybe I just don't want to admit why. I've hit a point in my life where I seem to be questioning more than I'm answering. I know it's time for some changes, I'm feeling restless, and that's always a sign of changes to come in the future. The question is, what changes?

When I started at McDonald's, I was a house wife working part time to take a bit of the burden off of my husband as he started school. I hadn't worked in 2 years, and my prior employer was giving me a bad refference, mcyd's was the only place that would hire me. I never wanted to make a career out of it, it was a nesessity. When my ex left, I had to go full time, when my mom kicked me out of the house, I had to go into management. For a brief moment in time, when I went to a few of the classes, I got excited about my job, and about future posibilities. I love motivating people, and when i got it into my head that I could do that job, I saught the next level up... the posistion I'm in now.

I now find myself in a store that looks dismal. I can't be promoted or even considered for a promotion with the store in the shape it's in, and now, I'm not sure that I want it anyway. I think it's time to move on. I know now that I can stand on my own, I can be accertive when I need to be, I can talk to people I don't know. Just in general the world isn't the scary place I thought it was, I can handle this.

So it may be time to turn in my mcshirts and move on, infact I know it's time. I have support behind me, and most importantly, I have my confidence back. I know what I'm capible of, and it's the world that should be scared of me, not the other way around.

There's a point in most jobs where you are stuck or you are being set up to fail or you've exhausted all the good potential from them and it IS time to poke your head up out of the gopher hole and go be the new kid again somewhere else and the best way up is out.

You've proven yourself smart, employable, promotable and capable and you've made so many good things happen for yourself. I can't blame you for wanting to cry or tear your hair out because of the situation you are in. This is, unfortunately, often what companies do to their best people - move them into the problem areas where not even God himself could fix it. It's so awesome that we live in a world with some flexibility in it, it's the only saving grace sometimes, that we're not expected to have this 20 year sense of company loyalty on a resume.

Go you. Hang in there.

 

[Homburg]

So it may be time to turn in my mcshirts and move on, infact I know it's time. I have support behind me, and most importantly, I have my confidence back. I know what I'm capible of, and it's the world that should be scared of me, not the other way around.

... and thank you for bumping this thread up today ... I've been on the verge of tears all day myself ... and many of the things you and others wrote here have helped me feel a little bit better ... thank you

Big hugs to both of you. This too shall pass. I tell myself that every workday, it seems, so I know the feeling.

 

[the captians wench]

"You are....unique"

This is something my mom said to me just before christmas. She went on to say "but you don't try to be, and you're not afraid to be". she told me that is was something she was very proud of me for, and something she was envious of. She said I'm not afraid to go out there and just be me.

For christmas she gave all the girls one of those precious moments figurines. Each one was a letter with a word on it and a little girl of some sort. My niece got "princess" *giggles* she is such a little princess and so much like her aunt wenchie. One of my cousin's girls got "chaste" we figured she's only 5 she could probable live up to that. Her little sister got "faith"...faith for Hope, was kind of a cute idea. And christmas morning I opened my presents and saw mine "unique". I was the only adult to get one.

I looked at it a few days ago and realized something, I haven't been acting like my "unique" self. I've mentioned here that the past few months I have been depressed, and I think part of that may stem from the fact that I haven't been being "unique". Over the past few months I've been on a quest to "fit in". To fit in with what work wants me to be, to fit into my relationships, to fit into a family I never liked anyway, to fit in with what my mind has created I should be. Along the way I have forgotten who I am.

I'm not the girl who ever fits into any place, but is accepted everywhere. I'm not out going, but always have people around me. I never took thought as to what people thought about me, about how I looked, how I act, or how I live my life. So why should I care now?

I'm on a journey to reclaim my uniqueness. to reclaim the core of what wenchie is. No more trying to label myself so that I can put myself on the same shelf as everyone else. I'm me damn it! and if you don't like it, then you can just kiss my ass.

 

[rida]

"You are....unique"

........

I'm on a journey to reclaim my uniqueness. to reclaim the core of what wenchie is. No more trying to label myself so that I can put myself on the same shelf as everyone else. I'm me damn it! and if you don't like it, then you can just kiss my ass.

yey! go you wenchie !

Trying to fit a mold that is not who you are only causes pain in the long run and make you miss the people that likes you for you.

And your mom sounds like a great mom that really can see you for who you are and loves you dearly for it. Hope to be such a good mom one day ...

 

[rida]

bump for the captians wench ...

sorry I killed your thread ...

 

[the captians wench]

bump for the captians wench ...

sorry I killed your thread ...

*giggles*

no worries sweetie.

I use this more as a way to get things out of my head than anything else. Sometimes it sparks a conversation, some times it just fades away. Either way I'm cool with it.

 

[the captians wench]

My brother surprized us last week and after a week of no contact with anyone he calls my mom from atlanta saying he's on standby for a plan coming into dayton at 2:30 and if he didn't make that one then he would be in at 4. So we scrambled to pick him up, had to fight a snow storm on the way home which ment I had to go from the air port to work insted of with him to scare the hell out of his wife. But he's home for another 11 days and safe.

Mom and I took him out yesterday to get some civies. All of his clothes are still in Kansas so all he's had to wear are his army issued. Oh his wife did buy him 2 shirts. Getting him to let me buy him clothes was like pulling teeth! I had to talk him into buying a second pair of pants, he wouldn't buy any more shirts, but new boots was an easy talk.

The funny part came at dinner. I got a call from my ...primary american any way he called me and mom was trying to explain to my brother who he is.

"that's H."
"who's H?"
"her boyfriend"
"who's her boyfriend?"
"H."
"the irish guy?"
"No, he's here. She has a boyfriend here. Well a couple."
"A couple?"
"You know how it is when you're single you date around a bit" (mom's way of gently telling my brother that I'm sleeping around)
"That's not right"
"Oh it's okay, they all know about each other."
"That's even worse"

Just wait until he finds out that my primary is married and his wife is okay with it too. My brother, private prude. who would have thought with a sister like me and a mother like ours.

 

[the captians wench]

A very unexpected IM chat has me thinking today.

When "master asshole" first spotted me in walmart, I was still wondering about the one who had dissapeared on me. The last I had heard from him he had left my apt rather abruptly as he had apeared to some how pinch a nerve or something simular. The logical reaction would have been to blame him for my involvement in such a bad situation "if you had not disapeared, I wouldn't have felt so insecure and I wouldn't have fallen for this guy's tricks", but I never have. I never really got angry with him either, I worried sick over him for a few weeks or so, but I was never angry. And now after this conversation, I miss him all over again.

He was very special to me, and I some times wondered if that was the reason he disapeared. We never really talked about what our relationship would be, and I can't be sure of how he felt, but I do know what I felt. I remember the guilt I felt for caring so deeply for him and still proclaiming myself to be Jounar's. I also remember I had decided to tell him how I felt the next time I saw him, and then never heard from him again.

He's the only relationship that I can think of that I have had since my husband that had a posibilty for growth. Let's face it, Dublin is not the easiest place a non-euro to move to, most of the guys I've been involved with have been little more than flings looking for a chick to suck him off when he wishes, and my primary here...well, I'm his secondary relationship.

I wonder if my mom is right and I only get involved in relationships that I know won't work out in the end. Seems to be the pattern here, and is very logical reasoning. Am I really happy with my single life, or do I only convince my self I am to keep from being hurt again?

It always seems like the ones with potential just disapear on me. Maybe that's what I'm avoiding. I wonder if this disapearance in particular, and the way "master asshole" played on that, has made more of an impact on my abandonment issues than I had thought.

At least now I know he is alive. That's worth something.

 

[the captians wench]

Dude seriously what is wrong with people?

So I get a message from some guy who's drooling all over me, wants to buy me expecive gifts and stuff. So Okay, I chat, and I agree to meet him, but his use of possesive pronouns and telling me what I will do and what he will do when he sees me finally gets far enough under my skin that I set him straight. His responce is "I was being dom. I thought you liked that?"

Since when is being dom equilvalent to being an arrogent ass?

dude go buy a hooker, then when you call the fuck down call me, kay?

So after I express my view in a completely honest and frank mannor, I get "I am sorry, I won't be able to make it" and his profile disapears, and I'm pretty sure I'm blocked from yahoo.

*shrug* oh well. guess I'll just have to continue to pay my own bills

 

[the captians wench]

A movie last night got me to thinking.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What will you be doing? How will you be living? etc. etc. etc.

I used to be able to answer these questions with a lot of confidence. Even as a small child, I always seemed to know what I was going to be when I grew up. Of course it changed from year to year, but I was always positive of what I wanted to be doing and how to get there. I was even sure in my relationships, which ones were going to last and which ones would fall apart. That is, I did up until almost 4 years ago.

When my ex left, my perfect vission into my future left as well. I seem to be floating in a career that I don't want, neglecting the one I do, and totally confused when it comes to relationships. I find myself unsure of my path and just sort of aimlessly wondering thru life. I can't decide if I want to go this way or that or even if this is an option.

The funny part about all of this is that I have more confidence than I have ever had in my life. I am so sure of myself when it comes to everything except for that question that used to be the only one I was sure of. Perhaps all of these years I have been living in the future, and now I realize that there is only today. But what a grim today it would be if I'm stuck in a job I don't care for with no drive to excape.

I'm still thinking about school. but when I think about working 45-50 hours then going to school even part time 18 hours, plus sleep relaxation and grooming, then the off chance I have enough energy to do costumes.....Well it's all overwhelming, and that's not even taking into consideration relationships and the time they need to stay strong.

I guess I'm seeking direction. Anyone got a compus?

 

[SubKekiLee]

You know from all the conversations Ive been having with you lately now I am questioning where Ill be in 5 years from now as well.. but WE have each other and I am glad we do.. My life has drastically changed this year... My moms passing, my career changing, my marriage ending.. So Wenchie where is the compass? DUDE your in charge of it..