Unhealthy Friendships - Interesting Read

[Lady_Liz]

Hi All, just wanted to share this article because it gave me a lot to think about...and wanted to share


http://www*****-with-confidence.com/unhealthy-friendships.html

 

[Sophistication]

Thanks so much for the article,,,Immediately it made me feel better...

I have been feeling tremendous guilt for letting go of one of my close friends recently...I'm the type of person who hates to hurt anyone and to be honest I think I was her only real and genuine friend...so I felt bad leaving her "alone" so to speak and she does have a very hard life and has been deeply hurt...But I had to do it...As the article stated- yes I always felt drained,sad and just sort of "an unexplainable feeling of woe".after spending time together...I was there for her for years 24/7- freely giving of my heart and soul and support...always deeply loving ,nurturing and giving to her and her son...yet when I went through a very hard time this past year and needed to heal my heart- she was not caring nor understanding in the least...just worried about why I was not there for her 24/7 during this time...there were so many red flags yet I was willing to over look,but this was the last straw...so I had to let her go...

I am suprized how I truly do not miss her now,and how free and peaceful I feel...my only regret is how long it took for me to realize this...I could have given my heart and time to those deserving friends...sigh

This was a great article dear,,,ty for sharing

 

[Lady_Liz]

Thanks so much for the article,,,Immediately it made me feel better...

I have been feeling tremendous guilt for letting go of one of my close friends recently...I'm the type of person who hates to hurt anyone and to be honest I think I was her only real and genuine friend...so I felt bad leaving her "alone" so to speak and she does have a very hard life and has been deeply hurt...But I had to do it...As the article stated- yes I always felt drained,sad and just sort of "an unexplainable feeling of woe".after spending time together...I was there for her for years 24/7- freely giving of my heart and soul and support...always deeply loving ,nurturing and giving to her and her son...yet when I went through a very hard time this past year and needed to heal my heart- she was not caring nor understanding in the least...just worried about why I was not there for her 24/7 during this time...there were so many red flags yet I was willing to over look,but this was the last straw...so I had to let her go...

I am suprized how I truly do not miss her now,and how free and peaceful I feel...my only regret is how long it took for me to realize this...I could have given my heart and time to those deserving friends...sigh

This was a great article dear,,,ty for sharing

Hey There...I debated on posting the article but I did find it hitting close to home with me both online and offline. Maybe it was meant to be that I posted it. It makes me feel good that you got something out of it. I think we all want to be supportive and give what we can but, like you say, if it leaves you feeling deeply exhausted and depressed, etc...and you feel the person isn't looking out for your happiness, then it might be time to let go...sadly

 

[PertPerth]

great article

I went through a couple of friendship break ups at the beginning of last year. It's only now, 18 months later, that I'm truly recovered from it. I'm so proud of myself too!
It's hard to be friends with someone for 10+ years and then realise that, not only are they not doing you any good, but they're actually harming you.
I haven't totally severed ties - just cut back contact DRAMATICALLY to a point where I'm happy.

Great article. Thanks for sharing, Lady Liz.

 

[Lady_Liz]

I went through a couple of friendship break ups at the beginning of last year. It's only now, 18 months later, that I'm truly recovered from it. I'm so proud of myself too!
It's hard to be friends with someone for 10+ years and then realise that, not only are they not doing you any good, but they're actually harming you.
I haven't totally severed ties - just cut back contact DRAMATICALLY to a point where I'm happy.

Great article. Thanks for sharing, Lady Liz.

you're very welcome hon

 

[PublicAffection]

I went through a couple of friendship break ups at the beginning of last year. It's only now, 18 months later, that I'm truly recovered from it. I'm so proud of myself too!
It's hard to be friends with someone for 10+ years and then realise that, not only are they not doing you any good, but they're actually harming you.
I haven't totally severed ties - just cut back contact DRAMATICALLY to a point where I'm happy.

Great article. Thanks for sharing, Lady Liz.

I just boke-up with a friend of 15 years... just weeks before the wedding where she was to be one of the bridesmaids. I finally figured out that if she couldn't find the time to shop for/look at/try on the dress for my big day, that maybe she wasn't really as invested in our friendship as I was. It's been hard - it helps that she holds a grudge and won't talk to me so I've stopped calling her to try to reconcile.

It makes me sad to know that she won't just apologize and come as a guest. She holds absolutely no responsibility for not meeting me not one, not two, but three times to try on the dress. It's always someone else's fault, and I just got tired of the excuses. Not just over the dress thing, but also all of the missed parties, birthdays, lunch-dates, etc. over the years.

I think in the long run it is for the best to let go of her since I have changed so dramatically over the course of time and she is still doing all the same things we did when we were in middle/high school. We are leading two very different lives, and they just don't seem to mesh any more.

Here's to turning to a fresh chapter in the book of life! *cheers*

 

[married29]

Great article. I have had friends that I let go because they were like that. It hurts. but it can be for the best.

 

[chelleb]

The second paragraph of the article (about how you feel after an encounter with someone) really hit home, and confirmed that a decision I made 2.5 months ago was the right decision, and one that I haven't regretted making, and hope I never do.

Great article, thanks for the link!

 

[Lady_Liz]

thank you for sharing your experiences....it's quite interesting. and something people don't talk about much....

 

[LolaOHara]

Yay, first post!

Thankyou for posting that article. I had a big fight with a close friend a few months ago and haven't resumed contact since. Even though she was clearly in the wrong (long story, but basically she left me in a park at 3am to have sex with a stranger...), I felt awful for terminating a friendship that had started in highschool.

But it wasn't just that - there was always some sort of drama or conflict in her life that she'd talk to me about in great detail. It was, like the article said, emotionally draining. Not only did I feel like i was useless because I couldn't help her, but it became very overwhelming - particularly whenever I was having my own problems, but they were always overshadowed by hers.

Sadly, I do not keep in contact with my friends from high school any more. It's a great pity, but we've all gone in completely different directions. Some have gone off the rails and changed completely. Luckily, I have made new friends. There are a lot of people in the world - a bad friend lost can turn into a new friend gained.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

the other type of unhealthy friendship can be identified when you know that you're purposely avoiding your friend and glad to see them furious while you do something that you know is going to piss them off.

 

[Lady_Liz]

When I had a baby, I gained an entirely different perspective on life and relationships.. The reason I say that is because I remember after I had my son I seemed to only stay in touch with the friends with children because they knew how to "pick their battles" and how to not "sweat the small stuff". What I mean is...the problems that used to trouble me were very small things in comparison to what I had taken on..a family! Unfortunately it was those friends who didn't have children that seemed to drain me because they seemed to have all the time in the world to gossip and drink and complain about their hang-overs and what person A said about person B... and so on and so forth...it was draining (the infamous word in the article lol) and they would get annoyed because I couldn't spend the same amount of time with them...ie, having a baby...sleep deprivation, nursing a baby, etc.

Just another example to the ones already shared...

Am I alone?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

When I had a baby, I gained an entirely different perspective on life and relationships.. The reason I say that is because I remember after I had my son I seemed to only stay in touch with the friends with children because they knew how to "pick their battles" and how to not "sweat the small stuff". What I mean is...the problems that used to trouble me were very small things in comparison to what I had taken on..a family! Unfortunately it was those friends who didn't have children that seemed to drain me because they seemed to have all the time in the world to gossip and drink and complain about their hang-overs and what person A said about person B... and so on and so forth...it was draining (the infamous word in the article lol) and they would get annoyed because I couldn't spend the same amount of time with them...ie, having a baby...sleep deprivation, nursing a baby, etc.

Just another example to the ones already shared...

Am I alone?

Since I'm one of the "single" friends, it's irritating at the same time to hear how my problems are insignificant compared to theirs. It's all in the matter of the beholder. I dont bring up little piddly crap, but it's not cool to be belittled like that and basically told that my point of view on life is beneath them. I just have different priorities right now, but that doesnt make them any less important.

 

[Lady_Liz]

Since I'm one of the "single" friends, it's irritating at the same time to hear how my problems are insignificant compared to theirs. It's all in the matter of the beholder. I dont bring up little piddly crap, but it's not cool to be belittled like that and basically told that my point of view on life is beneath them. I just have different priorities right now, but that doesnt make them any less important.

Didn't mean for my post to upset anyone or to belittle. I was explaining my experience and my feelings, which are not right or wrong...just how I felt..

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Didn't mean for my post to upset anyone or to belittle. I was explaining my experience and my feelings, which are not right or wrong...just how I felt..

I'm sorry. I have a friend that is currently doing that exact thing to me. It hit a little close to home and I took it beyond objectivity. I get belittle regularly by her because she cant keep her finances straight to handle her family, but my problems are unimportant (like having surgery and figuring out how to care for myself afterwards). It's a weird spot to be in. You want to be there for your friend, but at the same time, you dont anymore.

 

[Lady_Liz]

I'm sorry. I have a friend that is currently doing that exact thing to me. It hit a little close to home and I took it beyond objectivity. I get belittle regularly by her because she cant keep her finances straight to handle her family, but my problems are unimportant (like having surgery and figuring out how to care for myself afterwards). It's a weird spot to be in. You want to be there for your friend, but at the same time, you dont anymore.

I'm sorry you are going through that hon. *hugs* Surgery is definitely not something to be taken lightly. Is there another friend you could lean on that won't belittle you? Nobody needs to feel that way

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Thanks. I have been leaning on my other friends. It is still upsetting for this situation, which is why I mentioned being the single friend to the mother of however many with the family. It's all about priorities. I'm sure if I have children, I would be concerned about a lot of the same things that she is. But I don't, so my priorities are different and my biggest fret might be what I'm doing this weekend, but that doesnt make it any less important than her financial woes or that one of her kids likes to bite, or whatever it is.

 

[pleasteasme]

Thank you so much for posting this article!

There is a term I have come up for these type of people, "emotional vampires." I thought quite a bit about this subject today and what a wonderful surprise to find this post.

This very issue is something I am dealing with right now. Even though I know it is the right thing for 'me' to do ~ it still hurts. A lot.

I'm still contemplating exactly WHY I let these people into my life...

Thank you again, it is a help.

 

[deeteeZA]

There is a term I have come up for these type of people, "emotional vampires."

What is sad to have to discover (actually not discover, but to have to face up to) at the the age of forty odd, is that both parents and both sisters and brother are exactly that!!

Forty odd wasted years of trying to find acceptance, and sometimes just being a little boy looking for a bit of love...

(I grew up mostly in a boarding school - other (all younger) siblings ALL stated home???) - and this is just where it started, a 9 year old throwaway kid

 

[PertPerth]

Friends, friendship and boundaries.

I had a horrible conversation with my exboyfriend last night. We broke up in February - after he confessed to cheating on me.
We agreed to stay friends, and I want to. The problem is that he's not changed his boundaries - or the way he treats me - since we broke up. He's been "far too nice" and can't see that it's hurting our friendship (as I'm now avoiding him). He's even asked me to stay at his house over night (which I was really hurt by, but didn't tell him, just said "no" very politely).
Anyway, the thing which started last nights conversation was he changed our Sunday afternoon coffee plan to a Saturday night drinks plan - which I said no to "because you're my ex boyfriend and I feel uncomfortable having a date with you on Saturday nights".
To which he replied "Your ex? That's very hurtful, Darling. I thought I was more than your ex". Then he starts going on about how I'm throwing everything away bla bla bla.
As far as I'm concerned, he's my ex. He shouldn't be calling me "darling". He shouldn't be asking me to stay the night. If he wants to be my friend, I'm happy with that - BUT he HAS to back off. As things are at the moment, I don't want to be around him becuase he doesn't know boundaries. Should he learn to respect my space, I'll be staying friends with him. Only time will tell.

I was wondering if many others have stayed friends with ex's. Do you have the same issues? How do you tell someone you care about to "back off" without hurting their feelings?

 

[IrisAlthea]

I was wondering if many others have stayed friends with ex's. Do you have the same issues? How do you tell someone you care about to "back off" without hurting their feelings?

I have stayed friends with ex´s and had some of the problems you mentioned. I think it is important to give each other lots of space to let the feelings cool down.

My advice would be to tell him that while you do want to stay friends, going back to beeing a couple is out of the question.
Make sure he understands that you need space to get on with your life and that sleepovers and satuday nights together only make things harder.

 

[eclecticlynx]

Quote: "he confessed to cheating on me. We agreed to stay friends... he's not changed his boundaries - or the way he treats me - since we broke up. He's been "far too nice" and can't see that it's hurting our friendship (as I'm now avoiding him). He's even asked me to stay at his house over night (which I was really hurt by, but didn't tell him, just said "no" very politely).
...He changed our Sunday afternoon coffee plan to a Saturday night drinks plan - which I said no to "because you're my ex boyfriend and I feel uncomfortable having a date with you on Saturday nights".
To which he replied "Your ex? That's very hurtful, Darling. I thought I was more than your ex". Then he starts going on about how I'm throwing everything away bla bla bla.
As far as I'm concerned, he's my ex. He shouldn't be calling me "darling". He shouldn't be asking me to stay the night. How do you tell someone you care about to "back off" without hurting their feelings?[/QUOTE]

Hmmmm...he cheats, refuses to acknowlege that its "over", and is not concerned with your feelings or boundries.
Summation: You tried to let him down nicely by being polite and giving reasons. He ignored that.
Fact is that this person is DISTINCTLY disinclied to give you RESPECT.
Can you REALLY be friends with someone who will not even respect you?
Sounds like he is used to getting his own way, and is taking advantage of the fact that our society and upbringing tells us (females) that we shouldnt hurt anyone(s feelings).
Put your foot down and tell him to get lost. This is not a person to be friends with. Sad but true.
Let me know if you want to discuss wording of the send-off.

 

[KarennaC]

I've stayed friends with two of the three men I dated seriously after I left my ex-husband. I tried to stay friends with the third, but there were boundary issues (he kept trying to drag me into cybering when we talked on IM), and then he decided to get back together with someone else and stopped talking to me altogether.

The other two... Well, one tried to resume the relationship this spring, after we'd been "just friends" for several months, and was very angry when I chose another man instead. However, after stewing for a week or so, he called me and apologized for getting angry. He said he was happy for me that I'd found someone "more suitable" for me. Now he's become more of a wise uncle figure (he's 20 years older than I am), and we talk a few times a week. The other man and I talk once or twice a month; he's fun to talk to in general and gives great advice and is a very supportive, caring friend when I'm having a hard time with something, and although he teases me about trying to "steal" me from my current partner, he's made it clear that he would never actually do such a thing because he's so thrilled to see me happy. He just wishes he could have been the one to make me this happy.

On the other hand, my ex-husband fully fits the description of "unhealthy friendship" in the linked article. I spent almost 17 years (from the time we met) being emotionally drained and emotionally abused by him, and I still feel like either vomiting or punching my mattress every time I talk to him. Sometimes both. The problem is that since we have children together, I can't completely sever contact with him, though since he's currently under a restraining order I at least only have to deal with him once a week when he's allowed a monitored phone call with our daughters. I'm counting the time (seven and a half years) till my younger child turns 18; after that, as far as I'm concerned, I will never deal with my ex-husband again.

 

[Blue_Eyed_Grl36]

Great article! I am very selective about who I call my friend. I have learned (the hard way) who and what is important in a friendship...I surround myself w/ ppl who are kind, caring, supportive and are conscientous about following through on their word--Real friends. These are the people whom I truly trust to always be honest and straightforward with me and others around them , which is not all that easy to find these days (in my experience). Friends should enrich and compliment your life. not make you feel bad or uncomfortable. These days I measure ppl by their actions, not their words. You can say all kinds of great things, and make all kinds of great promises but if no action is put to them, then it's not worth anything. I always say, " If you can't fix it, get rid of it". Life is too short to waste time on settling for unhealthy things in your life. I give the best I can to each of my friends, so I feel that I deserve that same "best" in any relationship I have.

 

[unregistered]