Sex and Relationships

[twerp1000]

Alright, first things first. Though this is my first post, I have - for quite a while - been a lurker here at Lit. I frequently spend time reading up on new things for my girlfriend and I to experiment with, however for whatever reason (and I really don't know...) I have never posted.

Alright, sorry for being long-winded, it's easiest for me to write like this:

My girlfriend is fantastic. I love her to pieces and though I'm not sure if she is "the one" (or even if I believe in such a thing), I could see us raising a family together in the hopefully somewhat distant future (I'm 22, she's 21). We've been dating for a year and a half, during most of which we have, for all intents and purposes, been living together (we spend basically every night together, though alternate on whose apartment). In August, we'll be getting an apartment together, as we both feel we are ready to, and really, it just makes sense.
When we first started dating, we had sex essentially every day. The pace slowed down a bit as we continued dating, as one would expect it might and for a while it seemed we reached some plateau of around 3-4 times a week. We're both pretty kinky and so fit a lot of "exploration" into those couple times a week.
Recently however, it has seemed as though our sex life is plummeting down a mountain. Okay, to be honest, that's just what it feels like and is probably dramatisizing it a bit, but we are now having less sex and less adventure than we used to. This has become a problem, because for some reason I get frustrated when we go more than a couple days without sex. I really dislike to be the guy who gets upset when his girlfriend stops putting out, and obviously she does too, but for some reason I can't seem to help it. I have tried to explain this to her before, but can barely explain it to myself, so don't get very far.
To make matters worse, she tends to be quite flirtatious and frequently has what I can only describe as mood swings. I don't mean mood swing as in she suddenly goes from sunshine to thunder, however it's the best way I can describe it. Basically, she will switch from horny to not horny at random (and always at terrible times). So we will be visiting her mother's house and she'll find a way to seclude me somewhere in the house and tease me a little bit. But as soon as we get home, she is suddenly completely uninterested in sex, and if I press the issue, we each end up saying good night and rolling over to sleep.
Take today as the perfect example. Today was my birthday, so for the past day or so, she has been constantly hinting at things she might do to me tonight. So tonight comes, we go out with a few friends, get home early and the second I try to start something I immediately get the "I'm not horny in the least bit" vibe. Long story short, she's now sleeping and I'm sitting at my computer, typing this out of frustration.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone else here has ever encountered anything like this, and what you did to help. I do love my girlfriend, however I feel as though this is slowly wearing on our relationship and will end up destroying it.

Anyway, if you managed to sit through and read that whole thing, thank you and I would appreciate any suggestions you might have.

 

[CWatson]

Well, I'm told that the so-called "honeymoon phase" of any relationship lasts from 9 to 18 months, so that could account for the timing...

Why does she have these mood swings? Maybe you should ask her and find out. Just sayin'.

~CWatson
(contributing nothing useful)


(...Okay, I realize I'm bursting a lot of people's bubbles here. There are some very smart people here on Lit, and even more than that, there are some very wise people on Lit as well. They will try to analyze the situation, and they will do a damn sight better than I can--I mean, why do you think I'm going Deadpan Snarker here? But no matter what we say, we can only provide hypotheses or ideas. We do not have the answers. In the whole wide world, there is exactly one person who does. The good news is, it will be easy to find her: you happen to be dating her. If you want your answer, you will need to ask her. And, since that's what everyone's response will ultimately boil down to, I thought I might as well cut to the chase. Apologies if I've ruined anyone's response.)

 

[Arotico]

There's an old adage about marriage that probably can be applied to your case: If you put a penny in a jar for each time you have sex when you are newlyweds, and then take one out for each time after that first year, you will never empty the jar.

So you are not alone. However, that doesn't mean that this declining frequency and wildness is something you have to accept. Unfortunately, there may be no way to turn things around with this woman. She is probably dropping off to her level of "normal" sexual activity, with normal defined by how important this form of intimacy really is to her, relative to all other forms.

My guess is that the flirting and teasing are enough to satisfy her need for attention at this point. She's probably had her fill of all the experimentation and rebellion that most of us go through at that age. If you continue to feel actual sex is a higher priority than she does, then the indications are that you will be forced at some point to choose between your current partner and your natural desire. Look, you're already masturbating in front of the computer on your birthday. Happy birthday, by the way.

There are compromises that can be reached - agree on a fixed number of orgasms per week, seek an open relationship, etc. - but it will be up to you to decide if any of those are worth the effort. My advice is to try to talk to her about all this before signing that lease, but be fully ready to keep your current place and look for a woman with whom you are more sexually compatible.

Best of luck.

 

[SweetErika]

This has become a problem, because for some reason I get frustrated when we go more than a couple days without sex. I really dislike to be the guy who gets upset when his girlfriend stops putting out, and obviously she does too, but for some reason I can't seem to help it.

That seems like an excuse/cop out to me.

Have you really dug into why you feel upset when you don't get sex every couple of days? Tried to figure out how you can change and work around it, or at least behave differently?

If not, I'd suggest doing so because otherwise this is very likely going to become more of a pattern that will affect your relationship(s) for the rest of your sexual life. People get sick, hurt, stressed, have kids, relationship problems, etc., and those things have an impact on the amount of sex we have. If you want/expect sex every two days like clockwork, you're likely going to be sorely disappointed, and your actions stemming from that feeling will probably further negatively impact your sex life.

I suspect you're already getting a taste of the effects of this right now since you say your gf doesn't like the guy who gets upset over not having sex on his preferred schedule. Try changing your mindset and behavior, and see what happens with your relationship and sex life. A lot of women are instantly turned off by feeling any sort of pressure, so if you take away the expectations and bad feelings, you may be pleasantly surprised.

I have tried to explain this to her before, but can barely explain it to myself, so don't get very far.

It looks like you did a fine job explaining the issue here. Have you tried writing your thoughts down and using that as a reference during a conversation with your gf?

To make matters worse, she tends to be quite flirtatious and frequently has what I can only describe as mood swings. I don't mean mood swing as in she suddenly goes from sunshine to thunder, however it's the best way I can describe it. Basically, she will switch from horny to not horny at random (and always at terrible times). So we will be visiting her mother's house and she'll find a way to seclude me somewhere in the house and tease me a little bit. But as soon as we get home, she is suddenly completely uninterested in sex, and if I press the issue, we each end up saying good night and rolling over to sleep.

Have you talked with her about this and asked what she thinks could be behind it?

Has she always been a tease/hot-cold, or is it a more recent thing that came with the decline in the amount of sex?

Is it possible there's a mental, emotional or hormonal reason behind it? For instance, is she moody or hot-cold in other areas, or does it coincide with her stress levels, or does it seem to be cyclical, or is she on hormonal birth control?

I do love my girlfriend, however I feel as though this is slowly wearing on our relationship and will end up destroying it.

You're right, and it will continue to do so as long as you two fail to communicate and compromise. Have you considered seeking counseling/therapy to help you do that?

Whatever you do, don't knock her up, get engaged, married or make any further commitment (including living together) without taking big steps in the right direction and knowing you're compatible. Put everything on hold until you either work it out or decide it can't be sorted out.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You might have just fallen into a stalemate here.

Because you're not getting the amount of sex you want, every time it looks like she might 'put out,' you press hard for going all the way and feel rejected when it doesn't happen. Because every time she gets remotely intimate, you push for intercourse, she feels pressured and that you're always after sex, so she's less inclined to oblige you.

I can understand why you were disappointed on your birthday but there must be something that has prompted this change between you and only opne, honest conversation will get you to the bottom of the issue.

Maybe sit her down and say that you're having reservations about moving in together because she doesn't seem as happy as she was or as eager to be intimate with you. I'm sure she must feel that she has her reasons.

 

[bakedbeams]

Its an interesting scenario ... why do some women go from lots of sex, to a little sex???

There is a reason, and you will have to talk to her and delve to find out what it is. I can only give an example of myself, generally its when I've taken, something he has said in passing, as a criticism of me sexually.

Which comes back to the old ... communicate ... communicate ... communicate ...

 

[silverwhisper]

twerp, another point of view here.

how often do you make the effort to seduce your girlfriend?

early in a relationship, the sex flows freely, and it just happens spontaneously. it's a beautiful thing. but as a relationship matures, you can't count on both being in the right frame of mind at the same time the way you did early in the relationship.

that leads to the question i asked earlier. what i'm inferring frin your post is that your girlfriend might want you to meet her halfway in terms of making an effort to show her that you think she's sexy, that the sight of her makes you a tripod. if your idea of showing her that she's sexy involves giving her "that look" (IMX, every couple's got one), then honestly, i'd say you're not getting there.

if you said how long you've been together, i must've missed it. but i think that's something specifically you guys need to discuss.

ed

 

[PertPerth]

I agree with a lot of the above replies.

One thing I might suggest/ask - have you tried mutual materbation? The honeymoon phase is over, so perhaps when your g/f is tired, or not feeling sexy, you can lay in bed and masturbate with her? Or she can talk dirty to you while you masturbate?
I guess I'm just thinking of a way to compromise, rather than to fight about it?

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Recently however, it has seemed as though our sex life is plummeting down a mountain. Okay, to be honest, that's just what it feels like and is probably dramatisizing it a bit, but we are now having less sex and less adventure than we used to. This has become a problem, because for some reason I get frustrated when we go more than a couple days without sex. I really dislike to be the guy who gets upset when his girlfriend stops putting out, and obviously she does too, but for some reason I can't seem to help it. I have tried to explain this to her before, but can barely explain it to myself, so don't get very far.

To make matters worse, she tends to be quite flirtatious and frequently has what I can only describe as mood swings.

Unless you're fat, poor, dull, and hung like a field mouse, explain your needs and if she doesn't start meeting them in a few weeks, find someone who will. Its not like there's a dramatic excess of men with a job, who can run a half a mile, and who know where the clitoris is.

I'm all for patience and give and take, but if someone isn't meeting your physical or emotional needs, why are you there?

I agree with a lot of the above replies.

One thing I might suggest/ask - have you tried mutual materbation? The honeymoon phase is over, so perhaps when your g/f is tired, or not feeling sexy, you can lay in bed and masturbate with her? Or she can talk dirty to you while you masturbate?
I guess I'm just thinking of a way to compromise, rather than to fight about it?

Yeah telling him to jerk off while she lays there is unreasonable. Its really disrespectful on the woman's part, particularly when he's only asking for it a couple of times per week. Telling him to got to tube8 or something if she won't play ball is another.

Said individuals are in a relationship. That means that they work to fulfill each other's emotional and physical needs. Reasonable give and take is part of this.

 

[bailadora]

Reasonable give and take is part of this.

You don't find the fact he gets pissy if he doesn't get sex every two days unreasonable? Give me a break! Shit happens, people get tired and sometimes you hit a slump in the sex department but it doesn't mean you don't still love your partner. If he can't learn to handle this now, it doesn't bode well for his romantic future.

From where I'm sitting, it looks like they both have issues that need to be addressed (she with her hot and cold attitude and him acting like a child when he doesn't get sex on his schedule).

ETA: I also disagree with you regarding mutual masturbation as compromise. IME, my husband and I have found it to be an acceptable alternative when one (or both) of us is too tired for full blown intercourse. It can help to maintain intimacy and address the need for sexual release while still being respectful of the other person's feelings/emotions at that point in time.

 

[Eilan]

From where I'm sitting, it looks like they both have issues that need to be addressed (she with her hot and cold attitude and him acting like a child when he doesn't get sex on his schedule).

Yeah, this.

I'm always interested in the other two sides of the story.

 

[mark_j]

Alright, first things first. Though this is my first post, I have - for quite a while - been a lurker here at Lit. I frequently spend time reading up on new things for my girlfriend and I to experiment with, however for whatever reason (and I really don't know...) I have never posted.

Alright, sorry for being long-winded, it's easiest for me to write like this:

My girlfriend is fantastic. I love her to pieces and though I'm not sure if she is "the one" (or even if I believe in such a thing), I could see us raising a family together in the hopefully somewhat distant future (I'm 22, she's 21). We've been dating for a year and a half, during most of which we have, for all intents and purposes, been living together (we spend basically every night together, though alternate on whose apartment). In August, we'll be getting an apartment together, as we both feel we are ready to, and really, it just makes sense.
When we first started dating, we had sex essentially every day. The pace slowed down a bit as we continued dating, as one would expect it might and for a while it seemed we reached some plateau of around 3-4 times a week. We're both pretty kinky and so fit a lot of "exploration" into those couple times a week.
Recently however, it has seemed as though our sex life is plummeting down a mountain. Okay, to be honest, that's just what it feels like and is probably dramatisizing it a bit, but we are now having less sex and less adventure than we used to. This has become a problem, because for some reason I get frustrated when we go more than a couple days without sex. I really dislike to be the guy who gets upset when his girlfriend stops putting out, and obviously she does too, but for some reason I can't seem to help it. I have tried to explain this to her before, but can barely explain it to myself, so don't get very far.

Many here have suggested communicating and talking it out and such. all excellent suggestions, but here's the rub (pun intended). What you got is what you are gonna get. If the fall off now is indicative of a pattern (and I assume this is the case) then what makes you think it will improve? Further what makes you think it will change with your living situation or the possibility of a permanent union?

Talk it out if you want and see if there is something going on or some other issue. Once that avenue is used I would say that if you have no real change in behavior I'd take it as a major red flag. Yes you have 1.5 years invested in this but you are also 22 and if this is a problem now what makes you think that 10 years from now it will be any better?

Consider very carefully before making any commitments or you'll end up as one of those "my wife won't fuck me anymore" guys.

 

[subwannabe]

Welcome to the hum drums of married life. Communication is the key but often communication somehow just fails to be communicated. By that I mean you can talk about things but they seem to have a way of slowly or quickly reverting back to square one all over again. I think living together is actually a great idea because it will give you an even better picture of what real married life would be like. How ever it goes, expect married life to be even worse in this sexual aspect anyway. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the very same things going through your mind are also going through hers - I.E. that she loves you very much, etc but may be wondering if you are really "the one" for her. She may love teasing you but then when push comes to shove she may be having a harder time being intimate with you because women often equate sex with love and being with that "special someone" and if she is beginning to have doubts about that with you, it could be effecting the libido she has for you. Please remember you are young and don't do anything even closely approaching engagement or marriage until you both DEFINETLY know you are "the one" for each other. You don't want to get married and then find out 3-5 years down the road that you just made a young and stupid mistake.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

You don't find the fact he gets pissy if he doesn't get sex every two days unreasonable? Give me a break! Shit happens, people get tired and sometimes you hit a slump in the sex department but it doesn't mean you don't still love your partner. If he can't learn to handle this now, it doesn't bode well for his romantic future.

It doesn't bode well for his future with selfish women that are neglectful of their partner's basic needs. Even if said partner is totally asexual and works 60 hours per week, sex twice a week would be about an hour of give on undesiring partner's half - and if they can't participate in a bit of give to meet basic needs for 1.5 hours out of the 168 in a week, then they should be promptly kicked to the curb.

What this really about is that if a man and woman are regularly having sex, then she can't use sex withholding as a tool to get what she wants.

ETA: I also disagree with you regarding mutual masturbation as compromise. IME, my husband and I have found it to be an acceptable alternative when one (or both) of us is too tired for full blown intercourse. It can help to maintain intimacy and address the need for sexual release while still being respectful of the other person's feelings/emotions at that point in time.

Why in the world would one have an interest in intimacy with a person who won't engage in at least a bit of give? (edit: oh wait, nevermind, I forgot that if you decided you want a new direction in life, you get half his shit)

Asking for partner to masturbate to "maintain intimacy" while you sit there is completely selfish - there are dozens of more fulfilling ways for a person to achieve an orgasm than to masturbate while you sit there half asleep. Doing so is all about your needs - if it were about his, you would be having sex or he would be in the office yanking it to something far more interesting.

The last time a woman pulled this shit with me, I brought my laptop in, brought up tube 8, and watched some sick-nasty ATM stuff. Funny, she never pulled that shit again in the 2 months between this event and the time when I kicked her selfish ass to the curb.

 

[twerp1000]

Okay. Thanks everyone for your replies.
Let me explain myself a little more... It's less the time between sex that bothers me (and it's more like 6 or 7 days, not 2 or 3... ), it's the hot and cold in the in between that bothers me.

Mutual masturbation when she's not horny, and her watching me masturbate is a big no. Half of what I get out of sex is knowing that she is actually enjoying herself and she won't do anything remotely sexual if she's not in the mood (Nor would I expect her to, if that makes sense given my earlier post).

I realize that what this boils down to is poor communication, which, I suppose, I already knew we had (at least about matters in the bedroom). The thing is that both of us are guilty of trying to divert conversation in those situations...

 

[PoeticMusings53]

I realize that what this boils down to is poor communication, which, I suppose, I already knew we had (at least about matters in the bedroom). The thing is that both of us are guilty of trying to divert conversation in those situations...

Why would you want to have a conversation about this?

I can get why she would - she's just using you because she doesn't want to be alone but isn't sexually attracted to you anymore - but why you wouldn't bring it up is beyond me.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Why would you want to have a conversation about this?

I can get why she would - she's just using you because she doesn't want to be alone but isn't sexually attracted to you anymore - but why you wouldn't bring it up is beyond me.

You know, for someone who self identifies as 'poetic musing' you sure don't do what it says on the tin.

Can't you cut the guy a little bit of slack? Who are you to make sweeping pronouncements about why the OP's partner is still in the relationship based on a handful of posts not made by her?

Good grief.

ETA: My lidibo and desire for sex fluctuates, as does my SO's. Some weeks we're at it like rabbits, some months I can count our encounters on one hand. The OP has acknowledged they need to communicate better and that's probably part of the problem but not every women goes off sex as soon as things get serious.

 

[bailadora]

It doesn't bode well for his future with selfish women that are neglectful of their partner's basic needs.

I completely disagree with you on this point (no surprise there). It doesn't bode well for twerp if he doesn't realize relationships have their ebb and flow and learn to deal with it in a mature manner instead of getting pissy about it. I know fuck all about you and your relationships (and really from the tripe you are spewing here, I don't think I care to) - but my spouse and I have been together for 20 years and during that time we've endured many real life stressors that have put us out of kilter with each other on a sexual level including depression, difficult pregnancies, demanding jobs, miscarriages and kids. Sometimes we were only out of sync with each other for a short duration and sometimes it was for much longer periods. Sometimes the issues were on his side, sometimes they were on my side, sometimes they were on both of our sides. There were times on both sides when for as much as we love each other, the desire for sex was just not there due to life circumstances. We decided we had too much emotionally invested in each to take the easy way out and call it quits and so we kept talking openly and honestly about each of these circumstances and were able to turn them around - something that would not have occurred had one of us decided to declare the other "selfish" and kick each other to the curb.

Even if said partner is totally asexual and works 60 hours per week, sex twice a week would be about an hour of give on undesiring partner's half - and if they can't participate in a bit of give to meet basic needs for 1.5 hours out of the 168 in a week, then they should be promptly kicked to the curb.

This is utter stupidity, IMO. I, for one would not want my partner initiating or participating in sexual activities merely out of a sense of obligation. It would be too much like one more chore to be checked off the list and the lack of emotional connection would definitely bleed through and kill the mood for me. If the libido is lacking, it's better to find out the root cause rather than expecting sex whether or not your partner is feeling desire.

(edit: oh wait, nevermind, I forgot that if you decided you want a new direction in life, you get half his shit)

What the fuck happened to you that you think this is why people connect and stay with each other? I'm quite self sufficient and if I want a new direction in life I am more than capable of providing it for myself. We stay with each other because we love each other, not for material gain.

Asking for partner to masturbate to "maintain intimacy" while you sit there is completely selfish - there are dozens of more fulfilling ways for a person to achieve an orgasm than to masturbate while you sit there half asleep. Doing so is all about your needs - if it were about his, you would be having sex or he would be in the office yanking it to something far more interesting.

Who said the other partner has to just sit there? There are ways masturbation can be an acceptable alternative when full blown intercourse is not desired at that time. If a man enjoys being watched, his SO can be the audience and can talk dirty to him (if so desired) or she can offer a hand or blow job in lieu of PIV sex. If he's the one with the lack of desire, he can masturbate her using his hands or a sex toy, offer cunnilingus or simply hold/cuddle her while she attends to her own needs. It is what you make of it.

I realize that what this boils down to is poor communication, which, I suppose, I already knew we had (at least about matters in the bedroom). The thing is that both of us are guilty of trying to divert conversation in those situations...

If you are interested in salvaging this relationship, then perhaps a few sessions with a counselor might be beneficial as they have a good way of keeping you on track. You might find that the pair of you really are sexually incompatible and only you can decide if you can live with the status quo (but from your op - it sounds like that's a huge no). There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner that matches you in that area, but you also need to be cognizant of the fact that most relationships fall into an ebb and flow pattern after the newness wears off. Best of luck to you both.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

I completely disagree with you on this point (no surprise there). It doesn't bode well for twerp if he doesn't realize relationships have their ebb and flow and learn to deal with it in a mature manner instead of getting pissy about it. I know fuck all about you and your relationships (and really from the tripe you are spewing here, I don't think I care to) - but my spouse and I have been together for 20 years and during that time we've endured many real life stressors that have put us out of kilter with each other on a sexual level including depression, difficult pregnancies, demanding jobs, miscarriages and kids. Sometimes we were only out of sync with each other for a short duration and sometimes it was for much longer periods. Sometimes the issues were on his side, sometimes they were on my side, sometimes they were on both of our sides. There were times on both sides when for as much as we love each other, the desire for sex was just not there due to life circumstances. We decided we had too much emotionally invested in each to take the easy way out and call it quits and so we kept talking openly and honestly about each of these circumstances and were able to turn them around - something that would not have occurred had one of us decided to declare the other "selfish" and kick each other to the curb.

Don't take my advice, you could be a lucky man married to the likes of baliadora!

This is utter stupidity, IMO. I, for one would not want my partner initiating or participating in sexual activities merely out of a sense of obligation. It would be too much like one more chore to be checked off the list and the lack of emotional connection would definitely bleed through and kill the mood for me. If the libido is lacking, it's better to find out the root cause rather than expecting sex whether or not your partner is feeling desire.

The libido is lacking because some women hang on to relationships for status and money when they really don't give a fuck about the man. Since they're already using him, the least they can do is spread their legs on a semi-regular basis.

What the fuck happened to you that you think this is why people connect and stay with each other? I'm quite self sufficient and if I want a new direction in life I am more than capable of providing it for myself. We stay with each other because we love each other, not for material gain.

Its possible, I'm just saying that lack of concern for the other partner's sexual needs is neglectful in just as important as if one partner didn't show any emotional concern for the other. And in both cases is a sign that the neglectful partner is a selfish cunt.

Of course it robs said partner from withholding sex to get what they want, and I suspect that's the driving force in "I'm too tired" most of the time anyways. And is why I do not react favorably to "Oh you can jerk off while I lay here and maybe, if you're lucky, rub your balls".

Who said the other partner has to just sit there? There are ways masturbation can be an acceptable alternative when full blown intercourse is not desired at that time. If a man enjoys being watched, his SO can be the audience and can talk dirty to him (if so desired) or she can offer a hand or blow job in lieu of PIV sex. If he's the one with the lack of desire, he can masturbate her using his hands or a sex toy, offer cunnilingus or simply hold/cuddle her while she attends to her own needs. It is what you make of it.

Yeah my right hand and tube8 are vastly superior to lame dirty talk or a hand job from an uncaring partner. A blowjob might be a slightly better experience, but not by much.

You know, for someone who self identifies as 'poetic musing' you sure don't do what it says on the tin.

Can't you cut the guy a little bit of slack? Who are you to make sweeping pronouncements about why the OP's partner is still in the relationship based on a handful of posts not made by her?

Good grief.

ETA: My lidibo and desire for sex fluctuates, as does my SO's. Some weeks we're at it like rabbits, some months I can count our encounters on one hand. The OP has acknowledged they need to communicate better and that's probably part of the problem but not every women goes off sex as soon as things get serious.

No, I cannot cut the OP slack, and all the bullshit female advice here needs a counterpoint.

 

[SweetErika]

Don't take my advice, you could be a lucky man married to the likes of baliadora!

Or me.

Or any the fantastic people here and elsewhere who have successful, loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships.

Great post, Bailadora. You expressed my thoughts much better than I could have!

Of course it robs said partner from withholding sex to get what they want, and I suspect that's the driving force in "I'm too tired" most of the time anyways. And is why I do not react favorably to "Oh you can jerk off while I lay here and maybe, if you're lucky, rub your balls".

I'm not going to speak for others, but when I say, "I'm too tired," or, "I have a headache/don't feel well," it's because I'm really too tired or ill to have sex. It's an honesty thing, not a withholding or manipulation thing.

And it's a shame you have such a negative view that you don't respond favorably to suggestions of compromise.

No, I cannot cut the OP slack, and all the bullshit female advice here needs a counterpoint.

Or maybe, just maybe, the "bullshit female advice here" is not bullshit at all because it's based on a lot of experience with successful relationships and mismatched libido issues.

What does your relationship history look like? Are you happily married/committed? If so, for how long? Do you even (kinda sorta) like women or want a long-term relationship?

 

[PertPerth]

Or maybe, just maybe, the "bullshit female advice here" is not bullshit at all because it's based on a lot of experience with successful relationships and mismatched libido issues.

I have to agree with that. While my suggestion of mutual masturbation obviously isn't for everyone (and not for the OP, as expressed) it worked VERY well with my last relationship. My ex had a VERY strong sex drive (4 or 5 times a day!) and I have vulvadynia....so it wasn't always me saying "i'm not in the mood, go have a wank", it was me saying, "I'm sore and bleeding from the sex we had an hour ago, how about we try something else?". It worked really well - we had great communication, and we were both very satisfied with our sex life.

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm a guy, and i reject what poetmusings advises, which should be apparent from my post earlier in the thread.

poeticmusings: you don't read anything suspect in the OP's own behavior in this exchange? that's pretty telling.

ed

 

[Eilan]

No, I cannot cut the OP slack, and all the bullshit female advice here needs a counterpoint.

Here's a counterpoint for you.

Seems to me that your comments in this thread say more about your own lack of success with women than they do about the OP's issues.

 

[Cathleen]

It's a rather odd thing, IMHO, that talking about sex with our partners is a tough thing. One might think it'd be the exact opposite but in my experience, and by others who've shared their experiences, talking about sex is very personal. Sex isn't just two bodies, it's two minds coming together, too. Anxiety over performance, body issues, two opinions about a gazillion things, are all there too. It makes for a very crowded experience.

To me this most certainly isn't a gender issue, although society seems to attach blame to the woman (if in a hetero couple). My advice would be to talk to each other, outside of the bedroom, I'd as for clarification if I didn't truly understand responses and be clear about your wishes.

I might want to see a doctor if it's a lack of libido or something akin to "woman issues," as many term it. Our bodies are like riding bumper cars, tea cups and a very long roller coaster; physically we are complicated and frankly we are more emotional than most men (I'm thinking that was in the plan).

So, talk, be patient enough to give this time but also remember being compatible on lots of things, sex being a biggie, is very important.

Welcome out of "lurker mode." Glad to have you here.

Yes, I am aware there are generalities in my post.

 

[markjd]

IMO run dont walk! You are way to young to DIE! again IMO, women get the majority of blame for a reason. But I blame our modern "values". Concepts like commitment loyalty and responsibility have been replaced with psychobabble, nofault divorce and selfishness.Seems to me marriages and families were much better of back in the day.These modern values while Im sure have some benefits have left people with a growing scence of alienation and hopelessness. Children of broken families are of course less likely to have successful LTR's, so the cycle will continue to the detriment of our society.