How have you changed?

[cookiecat]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

What have you learned about yourself?

 

[Blue]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

2011-2012 me:
"Oh right. Whips and chains, black latex, dungeons, all that stuff. Yea, bit odd."

2013 me:
*After 'research'*
This doesn't look fun at all. These women are just hyper-exaggeratedly crying in pain.
"It's a brain thing."
"I don't see the appeal at all. Being hurt isn't fun."

2014 me:
*Finds Lit*
*Reads stories. Gathers the emotional perspectives, vicarious feeling, etc*
"Oh wait, this is what that is?"
"Guess I'm one of them"
"I gotta buy 50 Shades of Grey!"

I'm not very good at explaining things.
Sorry.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

I feel like I say this in every other thread, but I'm a loner to the creepiest degree. If I weren't a BDSM person I would certainly have never ended up frequenting this forum, and if I hadn't done that then I know that at this moment I would be mostly ignorant on the subject of BDSM as well as just fundamental relationship basics since I've picked up a lot of that in the past months I've been around this board. Not a HNG, that behaviour just isn't in my character, but still just clueless.

Lots of anatomical and safety information picked up over time along with a more developed perception of power dynamics in general.
Also some fun techniques. Like how to kill a man at thirty paces with a nylon rope.

What have you learned about yourself?

That there was probably a reason why I've always been into fancy rope/string tricks and knot tying.

 

[cookiecat]

LOL. You explain things good.

Did you buy 50 Shades??

It sounds like you've learned a lot about what you like. It's great you're doing the research. Way to many folks just jump in feet first and then wonder what went wrong.

 

[Blue]

I didn't buy it, and I'm glad I didn't because I managed to see the movie free when it came out and was thoroughly disappointed.

 

[CutieMouse]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

I think when I first started trying to figure this stuff out [over a decade ago], I saw submission (on some level, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself) as a way to avoid "adulting". If I was following someone's instructions/orders/whatever... all the stuff that had to be dealt with was therefore on their shoulders; not mine. Liberation [avoidance] through submission! WAHOO!

I still distinctly remember starting a thread on Lit early on, looking for someone to help me give up Diet Coke. Because I was submissive! I didn't have the willpower to do that stuff all on my own! I needed someone to discipline me into it, DUH!

[The awkward; it burns! ]

(I eventually took care of that myself; 3 years soda free, thank you. )

I also thought submission was what I now think of as kinky fuckery. Don't get me wrong, the great sex and intimacy and stuff is lovely, but (for me) that's not where the core of it is anymore.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

Relationships are relationships are relationships. And if you haven't sorted out how to have healthy relationships in non-BDSM arenas, you won't magically figure out how to have healthy relationships in BDSM arenas. The use of acronyms doesn't change that.

There are lots and lots and lots of people out there with experience, and perspectives, and opinions. Some of them are worth listening to; some aren't. Some are worth getting to know better; some aren't. And there's no shame (like NONE, ZIP, ZERO) in recognizing that someone or something isn't a good fit. It doesn't mean you aren't submissive enough. It doesn't mean you aren't dominant enough. I means you aren't compatible. Period.

What have you learned about yourself?

I used to be far more easily influenced than was healthy for me. Bad relationship habits (from witnessing unhealthy relationships most of my life) made it difficult to choose healthy partners. I had to deal with that or risk unhealthy, after unhealthy, after unhealthy relationship.

I had to develop a strong sense of self, and own myself/my actions, and be perfectly content to be alone before I had any business being in a relationship. It's also perfectly okay to create my own rules, even as a pyl-identifying type person. You don't like it? Kick ass. Telling me I'm not pyl-whatever, doesn't mean anything.

Most of the protocol, pontificating and posturing that occurs in the BDSM World has nothing to do with me, or how I create/develop my relationships.

My first priority is myself. Always.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[whisperdconsent]

Everything about me changed while staying the same too.

i was just a typical small town type of girl and i guess a little lackluster when it came to things like dating and sex. i was the only one of my friends who didn't have an adventurous side from listening to them talk, and the only one who didn't ever think about what it would be like to be with another girl. i didn't even have any kind of fantasies at all, not even about getting married and having kids and all that. i was doing what i did because that was what i was doing.

i dated boys and did have sex with them and it wasn't that i didn't enjoy it, because i certainly did but i thought of it, if i thought about at all, as something that was done. A few times a boy tied my hands to the bedpost but i went along just because they wanted me to. i certainly didn't think of myself as submissive because it had never been part of my vocabulary.

When i met my Domina and started a relationship with Her it wasn't something i had ever thought of or looked for. i was very straight and vanilla. It happened fast and took me by surprise and to this day can't explain why i seemed to be unable to say no but now i can't imagine not having met Her and being who i am today.

i am not sure if She changed me so much as bring out the real me. She brought out things about myself i had never known were there but they make sense now. i can see that some of my past behavior was do to a submissive nature and being afraid of people, male and female. i still don't think of myself as straight, bi or lesbian because i am in a relationship with a Woman. i am in a deep, loving relationship with a Person who happens to be the same gender as me.

i never enjoyed pain, not even be spanked, but the BDSM part of this relationship is as vital to me as every other aspect of it. The control part of it is also so integrated in it so deeply that i am at a loss without it.

If i were to say anything changed it would be that i am happier, more satisfied and content than i ever was before meeting Her, the love of my life.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I used to think I needed to figure out why what arouses me arouses me.

I now realize that, while that may or may not be in the liner notes, just shut the fuck up, brain, and listen to the music.

 

[LallyH]

I used to think that no-one else in the world wanted to do what I wanted to do and that if I tried reeeeeeeally hard, I could be 'normal'.

I know now that are many many people who want to do what I want to do, and that 'normal' is a moveable feast

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MeekMe]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

I kept my "weird stuff" to myself and didn't talk about it and could hardly bring myself to even look up anything. Then I got more comfortable with at least admitting to myself what I like, but still not talking about it. Eventually I ended up here and felt more comfortable. Was able to talk openly and really figure myself out.

At the beginning of really trying to figure it all out I got caught up in the overly romanticized stuff. I'm so glad this place was a healthy dose of reality and also quite diverse. I had read so many "guides" that preached a "one twue way" situation and for the most part had nothing to do with what was right for me.

Now, I'm a bit of a curmudgeon because I hate BDSM themed memes and poetry and anything that is essentially a tumblr list.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

Vanilla is a term that I don't really like. I never stopped being "vanilla" and I don't think I'm more special or my relationship is more special because kink.

What have you learned about yourself?

I get my jollies from being told what to do. It's so simple and was really difficult to figure out.

 

[BiBunny]

Do we want me to be truly honest here? LOL.

 

[cookiecat]

Do we want me to be truly honest here? LOL.

Yup. Right?

 

[cookiecat]

I have all this weird, random time on my hands these days and I get to thinkin' about this stuff. I've been put in a situation where my prior D/s life with my husband has been turned on it's head. So I start thinking about where we started with bdsm, where we're going, how can the lessons I've learned push me through this current situation?

I haven't read through all the answers yet - I appreciate people took the time to reply!

Self reflection is a good thing. Sometimes I wallow in the why and the what the heck? what next? who am I? Bleh. Other times I turn off my head and just muddle through the day. I'd like to find the space in between there.

Off to read through!

 

[BiBunny]

Yup. Right?

You asked for it.

I stumbled into this stuff young, stupid, and bipolar, with the associated symptom of hypersexuality, which ultimately ended up manifesting itself as a sex addiction...or, more accurately, a sex compulsion, I suppose.

I found it, in other words, while searching for something else to fill the void and quiet the beast.

I thought I was submissive. But what I really wanted was something to quiet whatever it was that was screaming inside me.

*Insert a whole bunch of stuff here about a long list of increasingly bad decisions*

Suffice it to say that no matter how hard I tried to force it, I was not really submissive. And every time I tried to shove myself into that box (because of more crap relating to both being crazy and being aro, neither of which I'll bore y'all with right now), I ended up restless, angry, and crazier.

Several years, a complete mental breakdown, and a whole bunch of other crap later, I had a few revelations:

~I'm not submissive. The very thought now is physically repulsive.

~I love being in control when someone else is not trying to bully me into doing it "their" way.

~The crazy is mostly nailed down in a box, hidden away from everything nowadays, so I do this stuff now because it's fun, rather than because I'm running from the bipolar demons.

~Like CM said: My first priority is myself, always.

~I really like sweet little pretty boys.

 

[cookiecat]

I think when I first started trying to figure this stuff out [over a decade ago], I saw submission (on some level, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself) as a way to avoid "adulting". If I was following someone's instructions/orders/whatever... all the stuff that had to be dealt with was therefore on their shoulders; not mine. Liberation [avoidance] through submission! WAHOO!

I still distinctly remember starting a thread on Lit early on, looking for someone to help me give up Diet Coke. Because I was submissive! I didn't have the willpower to do that stuff all on my own! I needed someone to discipline me into it, DUH!

[The awkward; it burns! ]

(I eventually took care of that myself; 3 years soda free, thank you. )

I also thought submission was what I now think of as kinky fuckery. Don't get me wrong, the great sex and intimacy and stuff is lovely, but (for me) that's not where the core of it is anymore.

I started out much the same. Although I can't quit the evil devil water!!

I thought being submissive meant I was absolved of responsibility. I wanted someone to make me be on time, make me eat better, make me ___fill in the blank____. I realized if I couldn't be a healthy, responsible woman, how healthy could the relationship be?

Same with the rough sex / kinky fuckery. Anyone can use scarves to blindfold and tie to the bedpost. That's just fun sex, not submission.

Relationships are relationships are relationships. And if you haven't sorted out how to have healthy relationships in non-BDSM arenas, you won't magically figure out how to have healthy relationships in BDSM arenas. The use of acronyms doesn't change that.

There are lots and lots and lots of people out there with experience, and perspectives, and opinions. Some of them are worth listening to; some aren't. Some are worth getting to know better; some aren't. And there's no shame (like NONE, ZIP, ZERO) in recognizing that someone or something isn't a good fit. It doesn't mean you aren't submissive enough. It doesn't mean you aren't dominant enough. I means you aren't compatible. Period.

I used to be far more easily influenced than was healthy for me. Bad relationship habits (from witnessing unhealthy relationships most of my life) made it difficult to choose healthy partners. I had to deal with that or risk unhealthy, after unhealthy, after unhealthy relationship.

I had to develop a strong sense of self, and own myself/my actions, and be perfectly content to be alone before I had any business being in a relationship. It's also perfectly okay to create my own rules, even as a pyl-identifying type person. You don't like it? Kick ass. Telling me I'm not pyl-whatever, doesn't mean anything.

Most of the protocol, pontificating and posturing that occurs in the BDSM World has nothing to do with me, or how I create/develop my relationships.

My first priority is myself. Always.

So much this. As much as I want my partner to jump in my head and take things apart in a creative, sadistic way, if I'm not strong enough with my own identity, things could crash around us really really fast. Putting my partner's needs ahead of mine, being in service to him doesn't mean I have no voice, I'm not heard.

 

[cookiecat]

I think I am changing rather than changed. I have become a lot more open in my idea of human beauty. ( thanks primarily to Shankara. )

That's an interesting way to say it - you're changing. A work in process!? I love Shankara's thread.

I think my drive perfection is becoming dramatically tamed in other aspects of my life ( which could come with a whole essay )

I'd like to read that essay. Do you mean you're a perfectionist and it hinders you? That through D/s or bdsm you're realizing you don't have to be 100% perfect all the time?

I am enjoying learning ways to tackle what I want physically with what I can acheive through creative reading of other people's posts and adaptations (yoga has to get a portion of share there)

I feel more open minded towards some people and kinks.

I am more able to face my own vulnerability and embrace it as an acceptable side of myself and share it. I haven't quite got to seeing the softer pyl aspects as be quite in this vein, though I embrace them otherwise. I mostly feel I don't need to identify the pyl in me, but sometimes I think....it would be nice to say 'I feel this this and this' and not feel disassociated, because I never see anyone else identifying as odd.

Being vulnerable is a huge leap of faith, isn't it? Feeling acceptance for just being you.

Consilience, I like the way you timeline it, I think I Feel some of that quite a bit.

I liked the timeline, too - it streamlines the crazy thoughts in my head!

 

[cookiecat]

Everything about me changed while staying the same too.

What a great way to say it.

i was just a typical small town type of girl and i guess a little lackluster when it came to things like dating and sex. i was the only one of my friends who didn't have an adventurous side from listening to them talk, and the only one who didn't ever think about what it would be like to be with another girl. i didn't even have any kind of fantasies at all, not even about getting married and having kids and all that. i was doing what i did because that was what i was doing.

i dated boys and did have sex with them and it wasn't that i didn't enjoy it, because i certainly did but i thought of it, if i thought about at all, as something that was done. A few times a boy tied my hands to the bedpost but i went along just because they wanted me to. i certainly didn't think of myself as submissive because it had never been part of my vocabulary.

When i met my Domina and started a relationship with Her it wasn't something i had ever thought of or looked for. i was very straight and vanilla. It happened fast and took me by surprise and to this day can't explain why i seemed to be unable to say no but now i can't imagine not having met Her and being who i am today.

i am not sure if She changed me so much as bring out the real me. She brought out things about myself i had never known were there but they make sense now. i can see that some of my past behavior was do to a submissive nature and being afraid of people, male and female. i still don't think of myself as straight, bi or lesbian because i am in a relationship with a Woman. i am in a deep, loving relationship with a Person who happens to be the same gender as me.

i never enjoyed pain, not even be spanked, but the BDSM part of this relationship is as vital to me as every other aspect of it. The control part of it is also so integrated in it so deeply that i am at a loss without it.

This worries me a bit, not for you, but as I look at my own life. My husband was my Dominant. We didn't have an uber controlling relationship but we had very clear rules, expectations. Our life changed dramatically (he got sick) and it was a bit of a struggle to adapt to our new situation. I had to start making decisions he'd normally make, I was no longer being held accountable for some of the things we'd set up. It goes back to realizing I have to be strong with my own self, know that I can stand alone and the relationship we have together makes me stronger.

If i were to say anything changed it would be that i am happier, more satisfied and content than i ever was before meeting Her, the love of my life.

I'm happy, whisperdconsent, you are so content.

 

[cookiecat]

I used to think I needed to figure out why what arouses me arouses me.

I now realize that, while that may or may not be in the liner notes, just shut the fuck up, brain, and listen to the music.

Exactly!! Early on in my bdsm adventures, I used to wonder why. I'd second guess everything. Someone told me exactly that: shut the fuck up and just do. Angst wasn't becoming.

I appreciated that advice and - while angst seems to be my spirit animal - letting go of the why has allowed me to have a heck of a lot of fun.

 

[seela]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

It's less about sex and more about other stuff. It's also often not as sexy to me anymore as it used to be at some point.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

Everybody's responsible for themselves.

What have you learned about yourself?

I have learned I'm not good at fantasy and that's ok, although I still have to work on not bursting other people's fantasy bubbles. That's also a big reason for why I don't post about bdsm that much here or anywhere else anymore.

 

[cookiecat]

I used to think that no-one else in the world wanted to do what I wanted to do and that if I tried reeeeeeeally hard, I could be 'normal'.

I know now that are many many people who want to do what I want to do, and that 'normal' is a moveable feast

Ain't it great!?

I am still on the why. . I think if I can can understand it I can amplify it, recreate it, research around......like, mental masturbation, no?

I like that you can work with the fluidity of the why and make it positive. My why's tend to be like the rock thrown in the pool - the rings just keep getting bigger and bigger until I'm stuck.

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

I kept my "weird stuff" to myself and didn't talk about it and could hardly bring myself to even look up anything. Then I got more comfortable with at least admitting to myself what I like, but still not talking about it. Eventually I ended up here and felt more comfortable. Was able to talk openly and really figure myself out.

At the beginning of really trying to figure it all out I got caught up in the overly romanticized stuff. I'm so glad this place was a healthy dose of reality and also quite diverse. I had read so many "guides" that preached a "one twue way" situation and for the most part had nothing to do with what was right for me.

Now, I'm a bit of a curmudgeon because I hate BDSM themed memes and poetry and anything that is essentially a tumblr list.

You don't sound curmudgeonly! But I totally agree on the tumblrization of bdsm. You get so caught up in what you think it should look like. No tears, no sweat, no awkward. It's why - like Elle mentioned - I enjoy Shakara's thread. I can't see one more perfect couple, well-lit, well-posed. Well, ok, I probably can but I like reality even better.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

Vanilla is a term that I don't really like. I never stopped being "vanilla" and I don't think I'm more special or my relationship is more special because kink.

What have you learned about yourself?

I get my jollies from being told what to do. It's so simple and was really difficult to figure out.

It's pretty great, though, isn't it?

 

[cookiecat]

You asked for it.

I stumbled into this stuff young, stupid, and bipolar, with the associated symptom of hypersexuality, which ultimately ended up manifesting itself as a sex addiction...or, more accurately, a sex compulsion, I suppose.

I found it, in other words, while searching for something else to fill the void and quiet the beast.

I thought I was submissive. But what I really wanted was something to quiet whatever it was that was screaming inside me.

*Insert a whole bunch of stuff here about a long list of increasingly bad decisions*

Suffice it to say that no matter how hard I tried to force it, I was not really submissive. And every time I tried to shove myself into that box (because of more crap relating to both being crazy and being aro, neither of which I'll bore y'all with right now), I ended up restless, angry, and crazier.

Several years, a complete mental breakdown, and a whole bunch of other crap later, I had a few revelations:

~I'm not submissive. The very thought now is physically repulsive.

~I love being in control when someone else is not trying to bully me into doing it "their" way.

~The crazy is mostly nailed down in a box, hidden away from everything nowadays, so I do this stuff now because it's fun, rather than because I'm running from the bipolar demons.

~Like CM said: My first priority is myself, always.

~I really like sweet little pretty boys.

Thanks for the nutshell honesty. It's a drag you had to go through all that to get here. Can I ask - do you keep the crazy tucked far away and not deal with it? Just leave it alone because it's too much to deal with?

Whether it's just a little part of self-discovery or a big 'ole springboard to figuring it out, it does my heart happy people are finding good things about themselves.

 

[cookiecat]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

It's less about sex and more about other stuff. It's also often not as sexy to me anymore as it used to be at some point.

Why do you think it's not as sexy?

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

Everybody's responsible for themselves.

That's a really good lesson to learn.

What have you learned about yourself?

I have learned I'm not good at fantasy and that's ok, although I still have to work on not bursting other people's fantasy bubbles. That's also a big reason for why I don't post about bdsm that much here or anywhere else anymore.

I think I burst someone's bubble in a gangbang thread earlier today.

 

[seela]

I think I've just lost interest to a lot of it. Bdsm sex just... It often feels like too much effort for not enough reward these days. I can get the same jollies in less complicated ways. I get periods when I'm super into bdsm sex, but they only last so long.

 

[cookiecat]

I think I've just lost interest to a lot of it. Bdsm sex just... It often feels like too much effort for not enough reward these days. I can get the same jollies in less complicated ways. I get periods when I'm super into bdsm sex, but they only last so long.

I remember dating someone who loved shibari. It took forever for him to tie me up. By the time I was trussed up, I wasn't quite sure where to go from there. His hard on was for the rope work!

There's something to be said for simplicity.