ASSHAT AWARDS: Even more of the Best of the Worst PMs & emails received

[Porkwarrior]

I deleted 152 weird PM's just now. Wow that was hard.


Suck it up buttercup. Seriously.

Edit -- The realization some Mod's here REALLY have a hardon for me. especially if they're chicks, lol.

Mod edit: no mods have or had a hardon for you.

 

[seela]

I got a very long and detailed description of a porn shoot someone would like to do with me. It included everything: the place, what we're both wearing, my hair and make up, even the color of my nails, what would happen and in which order and even the back story.

I was to be a warrior princess wearing chainmail lingerie, he was a slave I had captured in a battle and taken on a small deserted island right outside the castle where I lived so that I can use and abuse him without others knowing about it. The island is where the shoot was gonna take place, the castle would act as a pretty backdrop. (The castle really exists, maybe the island too?)

The whole sex thing was described very meticulously and included things like "you pull out a silver hair comb that was holding your luscious locks up in a messy bun, you let your auburn hair fall onto my chest and I can see it still has signs of the battle in it in the form of dust and dried blood". (Ew.)

He also described how I would "skillfully use my diamond embellished sword to cut his simple leather clothes into pieces", but he never mentioned me removing my chainmail underwear. So for example the copious amounts of face sitting was just him licking my chainmail.

I sent him a message to point out this flaw, and he replied by sending the same thing again, only this time he had added a line telling I remove my clothes.

It didn't happen on Lit and sadly my English skills completely fail to portray the true poetry of his vision, but if anybody's interested in shooting medieval chainmail porn on location, I can hook you up!

 

[FloggingMolly]

Bloody hell Seela, I think you definitely win this week!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[seela]

Bloody hell Seela, I think you definitely win this week!

I don't know, it's only Monday!

After heaving around a diamond embellished sword and wearing heavy chain mail I am not sure I would want to ride a man's face at all. I mean.... you'd deserve more of a rest.

That's true. There's still grime from the battle in the hair too, it's definitely time for a long, relaxing bath rather than riding a man's face wearing metal panties.

 

[MeekMe]

Unless the guy was exceptionally pretty I'd just gut his useless ass and pillage any valuables. Seriously? Facesitting? No mother fucker, you are the slave. You do the work. There's cleaning and cooking to be done and I need a bath drawn and a hot fucking meal after my battles.

 

[Blue]

I wouldn't kill him. I would need men to work my empire's wheat fields and replenish any of my soldiers that died in battle.

Although, if he's such a poor warrior that he was bested and captured by a bejeweled princess equipped with extremely impractical armour and a heavy sword, and so weak that he couldn't escape when his limbs' bindings were changed after the voyage...I suppose killing him might be a net positive since all he'd do is waste my kingdom's finite resources.

 

[cookiecat]

I replied I wasn't quite feeling it...

Socially and professionally, a woman is a man's equal, but sexually behind closed doors, there is no fucking way for a piece of pussy to ever think or imagine that she is equal to a man. She knows it is not truth. She may play a role or pretend that it is, but secretly, naturally, innately she knows, intuitively, instinctively she knows she is inferior, and secretly craves to be put in her place, and used, abused to serve a dominant man who will not ask but merely take it, and do with it as he so wishes. If she is real about it.

I can't imagine why a grown man would ever ask a woman's opinion about anything of a sexual nature. To be sure, socially and professionally, she should be listened to, spoiled, pampered, enjoyed, and made to feel enjoyed. I like women, and like it when a woman throws her back when she laughs out loud, or wiggles when she walks in some sexy heels.

To be certain, that professionally and socially she is a man's peer and equal. But sexually, pussy is, pussy always has been, and pussy shall forever be, sexually inferior, and I can't imagine why a grown man would ever waste his time and energy asking a piece of pussy's opinion about something sexual in nature.

Take her in your arms, whisper in her ear what you want or desire, or intend to do, and if she hesitates even slightly, then slap her face repeatedly serveral times until she is gasping and breathless. Turn her around, unzip her dress and let it fall to the fall, while gently kissing her shoulder, and slip her bra off. Then tie her hands behind her back tightly, and turn her around, and slap's her face, put her on her knees, take her hair in your hands, and explain to a woman the facts of life, while whipping her titties.

And, when she is crying, weeping, whimpering, promising to be such a good lil bitch, then spank her ass, HARD, and when you put your dick in her mouth, make sure she can count all 8-9 inches of it until gagging. This teaches her call early in the relationship that when she is looking at your dick. She is doing so with reverence understanding who is the boss, and who is the bitch. Nothing like a woman who knows her fucking proper place. Don't you agree, baby girl?

Whoring a bitch out is fun, but Gang banging a slut without first breaking and molding her is a waste of time, because women are socialized to think that their pussy has power and to many weak ass males have perpetrated this lie. So she is giving it away for fun, when it should taken, abused, dominated, exploited, whored out to be thoroughly enjoyed as a man's property. The most important question a bitch asks is simply this..."who owns this pussy as property"? That is the most important question to be answered for any woman, and therefore she will do what she is told, when she is told, and how the fuck she is told. Feel me woman?

 

[MeekMe]

He's a cute little boy, isn't he?

 

[Blue]

I replied I wasn't quite feeling it...

Whenever I see a message like that;

"What about Dominatrices?...."

 

[MeekMe]

Whenever I see a message like that;

"What about Dominatrices?...."

Misogynists don't believe in dominant women. They think it's just "playing at being dominant."

 

[KimGordon67]

I replied I wasn't quite feeling it...

Good grief - that was his starting point? Does that actually work?

 

[DarkSimian]

I replied I wasn't quite feeling it...

Wow. That leaves me speechless

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[KimGordon67]

All eight to nine inches of cock? Well, 8 to nine inches of 'crock o shite' text.

D'you think Cookie should ask for a photo, with a ruler for scale?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[FloggingMolly]

"Hello sexy Molly may i ask ypu feeling horny???
Got here a hard big young cock kust fpr ypu"

Were you letting the cock do the typing? Also, am I really now so old that you feel the need to tell me your cock is young?

 

[pensivepoet]

I am not the person to ask this week I have let my pms fill up and am barely talking to friends. Real life is such that I really seem the get away of fora not the connection. With a ruler in my hand I might find I had switch tendency this week.

*Volunteers*

 

[Eva_Star]

Both Seela's and cookiecat's PMs blow my mind. I only get one or two lines of badly misspelled words about sticking something (usually a cock but not always) in my ass or mouth.

*jealous*

haha

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[pensivepoet]

i thought one should not spank in anger? Poet, you know I could no sooner spank you thN I could kill a cat. I have killed LOTS of snails this morning.

Maybe by Friday I might even feel social again. I have stacks to catch up on, some going back months

So now I gotta find a cat killer just to get spanked?
This thing just keeps getting harder

 

[FloggingMolly]

"Hi I'm K 49 f fl . What What If I was your wife and we were sitting on our couch one evening watching tv and drinking heavily as I was wearing just my thin mid thigh button up sleep shirt that I've Stolen from your side of the closet with white lace panties underneath and I said honey I have something I need to tell you since the beginning of summer I've noticed Ryan ( our teen son) and his friend Kevin have been trying to peek at me every time I bend down they look down my shirt is that normal hunny ?? What would you say how would you react ??"
Well... That's a thing that happened...

 

[twister947]

I lack imagination; the best I can come up with is asking for a recipe. I feel shame.

 

[KimGordon67]

D'you think if we wrote a 'how to PM a lady' thing in the 'How to' board, any of the likely offenders would actually read it?
(Obviously the first suggestion would be 'don't refer to her as a 'lady' unless her profile specifically indicates that she might like that'.)
I get so many PM that aren't terrible enough to warrant including here, but are just make me think 'meh, why did you even bother if that's all you could be bothered with?'