When your marriage has 2 very different sexual appetites, what to do

[GregThickDix]

I read a lot about sexless marriages, and found it depressing. My apologies to those who are in that situation. Here lies what I think most of us might be in. 2 Very different sex drives.

I have been married for 28 years, been with my wife for 32 years. We love each other, have a great life together, financially and are compatible in most ways, but.....I really like sex and she, well not nearly as much as I would really like.

I really could use a release almost every day, and do, via masturbation and sex once a week, but would settle for a couple times a week. My wife is good with it every 10-12 days. She is good in going along with me waking her up with a hard on and does seem to enjoy it, but after we had a rough patch, where I reversed the tables on her and cut her off and slept in separate rooms. We had frank discussions about initiating, feeling wanted, attractive, desired etc. It opened up communication on something that she really wasn't that comfortable in discussing. We now talk more about it and at least have an understanding that when we have sex, its not, hurry up and lets get it over with.

As I also said, I do jerk off like a teenage boy, and really find it satisfying. Self love and knowing what makes you feel good is a wonderful outlet. The problem I face is feeling bad about doing it. I do watch porn, cams and read here. I know chatting is something my wife is not on board with for fear of cheating. I have come close to looking for a fwb, but in reality, I don't think I could look at my wife and not feel like I betrayed her.

Just looking to see what others have to say.

 

[gga]

Greg,
You have just described my life to a T. My wife and I have been married 35 years this year, and together for 40. I am in the same situation as you, wanting sex a lot more than I have it. For us, 2-3 times a month is probably the average. And like you, I "make up" for it through masturbation, camming, erotic chat, etc.

My wife thinks I have rarely masturbated. That's how ultra conservative she is sexually, basically thinking that after marriage I'd have no need to masturbate. If she only knew I often I did it she'd be in shock.

And she likes most of her satisfaction from me through fingering her to climax. (Granted my less than optimal dick size and ED doesn't help, but that doesn't appear to be the reason her preference in orgasming this way.). As much as I love going down on her, I think she sees it as something dirty and lets me go after for a little while, seems to be enjoying it, but then wants me back up with her. Since she cums multiple times as I finger her, I recently brought up getting a vibrator to help things along. She seemed shocked that I would suggest such a thing. Finally gave in to say that I could get one to use on her, but in no way would use it on herself.

We have talked about our sex life, our desires and needs, etc. as you have done with your spouse. It makes things better for a while, then it drifts back to the way things were before. Eventually we talk again, and the cycle starts over.

So I know exactly what you're going thru. Im essentially in the exact same life. With kids having moved out of the house a few years ago, I figured we'd have had a chance to have a sexual renaissance so to speak, but it hasn't happened.

I have the same feelings you do in regards to how you feel about camming and chatting with other partners. My wife would most definitely take it as cheating on her if she new, and I carry a lot of guilt over that. But I do have desires that I need to express, and gave convinced myself that not straying directly with someone in real life makes it (somewhat) okay.

If you want to chat more, shoot me a PM

 

[GregThickDix]

Yep, to a T

I knew there had to others out there like me in the same situation. We are close to becoming empty nesters and I hoped we would rekindle that love life we had back before kids. Sounds like if that is my hope, I am fucked too.

So, I do give my wife great orgasms both digitally, and with the use of my cock. I am well endowed and she gets sore after a while and does need a few days to recover. Ever masturbate and find your wife in the mood and you end up lasting far too long?

Ever faked it because you know she is starting to wonder when you are going to shoot your load?

 

[gga]

I knew there had to others out there like me in the same situation. We are close to becoming empty nesters and I hoped we would rekindle that love life we had back before kids. Sounds like if that is my hope, I am fucked too.

So, I do give my wife great orgasms both digitally, and with the use of my cock. I am well endowed and she gets sore after a while and does need a few days to recover. Ever masturbate and find your wife in the mood and you end up lasting far too long?

Ever faked it because you know she is starting to wonder when you are going to shoot your load?

Don't give up on things being rekindled when the house is empty. My life isn't necessarily yours.

I have lasted a bit longer on the occasions where she's wanted it but i had just masturbated. But with exception of one time that I can remember, I've usually been able to come (cum?) to completion. And being able to go longer is just a great opportunity for me, because I don't always last as long as I wish I could.

Happily, never had to fake shooting a load. As noted, even after masturbating, I can still complete even if it takes a bit longer. For me though, a bit longer may be just another couple of minutes, maybe less.

 

[dannyboy1958]

Same here greg, not sexless but whereas i would like it 2 or 3 times a week, shes content with 1-2 per month. she seems to prefer me fingering her to orgasm and seldom pulls me on or in her, thats down to me.
I feel guilty mastubating, have never been a big masturbator, even when i was single, prefer the lure of women and bedding them to wanking.
ben married 12 years, 2nd wife, 1stwife was even worse, sex was 2-3 per year, which was part of the reason for me leaving, but not toally - i suppose its something you become used to.
ive tried spicing things up but shes a slow burn, having been seriously ill twice in her life ( cancer ) so i dont push it as i feel she fragile and i dont want to break her. I may be moving forward though as she receently board an adult board game for us to play, that has lots of suggestions for things to do and talk about, so hopefully this is the begining of a new sexier time.

 

[GregThickDix]

Personal gratification and fwb

Thanks for the response. Yes guilty as charged, because I do feel somewhat guilty, not because I jerk off, but because I have moved to more than porn. Chat and cam are what really drives me now and I know that these two vehicles are not OK with my wife. She feels this will only lead to affairs and FWB, which would spell doom for my marriage. Frankly, I don't think I could "perform" because I know that this would be the end of my marriage. Consent from my wife would go a long way, but again, that is not on the table because I have suggested swinging and was shut down immediately.

The conservative nature of what my wife wants sexually is very different and "traditional and along the lines of what society has dictated"

Thank you for your feedback.

 

[MMM_wms]

musing thoughts on this thread

Permit me to write you my own observations on this thread. I am glad to see it turned into more than just a whining session a la “my wife does not give me enough sex”. A few posts at least were constructive. Even though I find a masturbation session much more enjoyable, with a wife who is lacking sex wth her husband.

The way I see it, none of you has dared to put on the table a most probable root cause for the misery of many men: Once a woman has “hooked” her husband, her main target in life has been accomplished, so no more need for something like sex.

The second root cause was put on the table quite amicably by chiquitito: Many couples have never discovered how pleasurable sex can be for both, even when both have reached maturity. Including for supposedly incapacitated wives. Nobody is going to tell me that a loving wife – regardless of her physical deficiencies – is unable to derive pleasure from making her husband cummm. Female excuses along these lines are nothing but hogwash; ID say in 90% of all cases.

And finally nobody here has focused on the role that organized religion is playing, especially in the US of A. Where a large number of people still believe the bible is a book worth reading. And in many cases, reading the bible precludes reading the book that chiquitito suggested.

My own solution to the problem many men run into, especially when maturity sets in, has been to find a mail lover who not only has retained her desire for self-orgasms, but who also enjoys very much helping me with mine. And who enjoys just as much all the non-sexual aspects of FWB-ship. These non-sexual aspects are giving both of us at least as much as the sexual ones.

 

[KatieDoes]

Permit me to write you my own observations on this thread. I am glad to see it turned into more than just a whining session a la “my wife does not give me enough sex”. A few posts at least were constructive. Even though I find a masturbation session much more enjoyable, with a wife who is lacking sex wth her husband.

The way I see it, none of you has dared to put on the table a most probable root cause for the misery of many men: Once a woman has “hooked” her husband, her main target in life has been accomplished, so no more need for something like sex.

The second root cause was put on the table quite amicably by chiquitito: Many couples have never discovered how pleasurable sex can be for both, even when both have reached maturity. Including for supposedly incapacitated wives. Nobody is going to tell me that a loving wife – regardless of her physical deficiencies – is unable to derive pleasure from making her husband cummm. Female excuses along these lines are nothing but hogwash; ID say in 90% of all cases.
.

Imagine having so little self awareness that you’d just come on Beyoncés internet and announce to God and Everyone that you’ve never seen a woman enjoy sex, and believe that women can achieve sexual pleasure from being obligated to make a man that repulses them cum. Yikes.


OP, I Think you’ve got a not too terrible situation. You’re having good good sex, with a woman that you love, slightly less often than you’d prefer. I wonder if you might be better served by focusing your efforts on making the times that you have sex with your wife more fulfilling for you, rather than focusing on more frequency. Playing longer, engaging in extended foreplay, maybe introducing some toys or gadgets and making it all a bit more involved and extended and fun. It might leave you more sated, and less needy for more frequency. Who knows… if things go well, she might want more frequency.

Everyone has their own moral code, but most people don’t consider masturbating to commercial porn to be ‘cheating’. When you involve another person directly, via chat or cam, or in person, that line definitely begins to blur. No judgement from me, as I have no room to cast judgement on that. However, I’d caution that it’s an addictive and slippery slope. If you are happy overall, and plan to stay married, getting too intimate with another person can be a threat to that. It’s up to you if the payoff is worth that risk.

 

[GregThickDix]

Personal vs General discussion

Perhaps I made a rookie mistake here by accidentally positing this in the personal page rather than general discussion. Never intended this to be a personal quest because I do like to discuss what may work well for others who may have the same perception of different drives.

I am lucky to have a wife who still finds me desirable. I have not let myself go and do work out, and have all my hair. LOL The desired frequency, you are right, is not that far off considering what initially I opened with, which was sexless marriages. I appreciate the words of caution about chat, cam and not getting too personal. I agree and am guarded for a number of reasons, but do like the "what if temptation" of going too far. I think it has to do with having someone new find you sexy and want you in a sexual way.

Marriage in the traditional sense has in a lot of ways made us asexual to anyone other than our spouses, and I find that sad. I appreciate a beautiful person who I find attractive and love the idea that if my wife finds another man attractive, great. The ultimate goal I guess for me is to create that desire to fantasize about that other person to jump start your married sex life.

Again, this is only up for discussion to see how other people preceive their sex life in marriage and how they cope with different appetites. Thanks for your comments.

 

[tmwmpa63]

This thread has been very interesting. I have to say most if not all the concerns presented represents my situation as well. We are a married couple of 36 years recently empty nesters and I have been experiencing ED the last few years. This is a real issue for me due to always being very hard and strong it has just sucked the life out of me wanting to be intimate with my wife who is very sexual and active when prompted by me. In lies the problem I’m not I would rather masterbate alone to porn with a semi hard cock.
I really like hearing everyone’s opinions and advise to the posted threads.
I am interested also on seeing where this thread continues.

 

[GregThickDix]

Horny goat weed suppliment

The older we get, well, the more our lumber turns to softer wood. Try Horny Goat Weed and have to say that at least my morning wood is as hard as I used to be in my younger years. Sure you are also aware of cock rings to help maintain, but if not, give them a try. Hard finding rings that fit if you are on the thicker side.

As for enjoying your alone time more, nothing wrong with that, just don't neglect your wife. You might be a candidate for cuckold. That way, you can actually participate in masturbating to your wife being satisfied by another guy and jerking off to a live show.

 

[Travelingjosh]

This was helpful, feels better knowing I am not alone in my situation

This was helpful to read and makes me feel that I am not alone in my situation. I am torn because the resentment that is building inside of me is at a boiling point, and I am mature enough to know that is not fair to either party because everyone is different, feels differently, and is at a different place in life. It is just a lost feeling that I am not comfortable with as it eat aways at me. Maybe it will pass or maybe she will change a little, or maybe a little of both. But for now I feel lost.

 

[GregThickDix]

LOL Horny Goat Weed

Shit, I should have put a brand name with that horny goat weed plub.

 

[Jeph77]

IMO Jerking is not cheating



I chat, I masturbate, I do not screw around with women. I do jerkoff with other men in similar situations. I have not had sex w/ my loving wife in years. Getting my satisfaction by my own hand worked okay for years BUT I decided to add a social aspect. All guys masturbate. If they say they don't they're lying (maybe to themselves). Having a jerkoff buddy allows me to have some social and physical interaction and satisfaction without feeling extremely bad. I don't believe I am betraying my wife, I am saving myself from depression, despair and resentment. No harm, no foul.

It's a lot of fun, after a life of straight living. Surprising sensuality and discovery in sharing fantasies.

 

[CuriousMind68]

IMO Jerking is not cheating



I chat, I masturbate, I do not screw around with women. I do jerkoff with other men in similar situations. I have not had sex w/ my loving wife in years. Getting my satisfaction by my own hand worked okay for years BUT I decided to add a social aspect. All guys masturbate. If they say they don't they're lying (maybe to themselves). Having a jerkoff buddy allows me to have some social and physical interaction and satisfaction without feeling extremely bad. I don't believe I am betraying my wife, I am saving myself from depression, despair and resentment. No harm, no foul.

Hi, just wanted to clarify if you have an in person jerknoff buddy you get together with vs. an online buddy? You really don't see it as cheating on your wife? I totally agree that it will definitely help avoid depression/resentment but I'd also be harboring feelings of guilt at the same time (that's just me) if she had no clue.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

There are many marriages where the desired sex/affection are not being met. Without repeating my laundry, I can say I am in the same boat. Lots of men are.

 

[Ingenue844]

So…reading through the entire thread and realizing I may be the only wife here in the same frustrating situation.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

So…reading through the entire thread and realizing I may be the only wife here in the same frustrating situation.

Perhaps you are. It is very frustrating and sad.

This morning, my wife and I were discussing the few knick-knacks that we have. We said that the few we have we really like. I pointed out a Don-Quiote figure and commented that I really like it. She said, if we divorce I want that. I said you can have it and pretty much anything else too. Don't forget to take all your books as well. All said as an inuendo i guess and not being mean. The thought has crossed both of our minds, but I just can't see how we could live separately (financially), as well as someone being able to take care of our kid, when he is not in daycare.
I love my wife. We are pretty compatible, but there are things that do not match up well anymore. I don't have to fantasize about another female figure, because she has a very nice body. Would love to see it more often and better yet even touch it intimately.

There is an old saying:
Women marry men hoping they will change...
and they don't.
Men marry women hoping they will not change...
and they do.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

So…reading through the entire thread and realizing I may be the only wife here in the same frustrating situation.

I can say, based on conversations with other women I've met on line over the years, that you are not the only woman in this situation. Based on what you find in Lit, you would think that this issue is much more common among men, but I"m not even sure about that. It is more common among men on Lit at least in part because there are so many more men on Lit. I think that a major reason for that is that there is less social approbrium for men seeking this kind of outlet.

You can see from the OP and others on here that men feel a lot of guilt at seeking alternative sexual outlets outside of marriage, including masturbation, even when they have chosen a way of obtaining that pleasure that is intentionally designed to avoid entanglements with other women and to preserve their marriage. To those men, I will say - yes, you are not a perfect human being. You are not being completely honest with your wife. But ... you have found an outlet that avoids causing her pain, keeps the marriage together, and is a reasonable compromise with the competing pressures of living. So, don't feel guilty.

But to get back to my point. I think that the socialization of women, especially women of older generations such as mine, makes it more difficult to seek this kind of outlet in a marriage with unbalanced sex drives. The guilt is greater, which makes it less likely for women such as you to find a secondary outlet like Lit. Women often feel that, if the husband is not interested in sex, it must be her fault.

So, anyway, Ingenue, you are far from alone.

 

[Ingenue844]

I can say, based on conversations with other women I've met on line over the years, that you are not the only woman in this situation. Based on what you find in Lit, you would think that this issue is much more common among men, but I"m not even sure about that. It is more common among men on Lit at least in part because there are so many more men on Lit. I think that a major reason for that is that there is less social approbrium for men seeking this kind of outlet.

You can see from the OP and others on here that men feel a lot of guilt at seeking alternative sexual outlets outside of marriage, including masturbation, even when they have chosen a way of obtaining that pleasure that is intentionally designed to avoid entanglements with other women and to preserve their marriage. To those men, I will say - yes, you are not a perfect human being. You are not being completely honest with your wife. But ... you have found an outlet that avoids causing her pain, keeps the marriage together, and is a reasonable compromise with the competing pressures of living. So, don't feel guilty.

But to get back to my point. I think that the socialization of women, especially women of older generations such as mine, makes it more difficult to seek this kind of outlet in a marriage with unbalanced sex drives. The guilt is greater, which makes it less likely for women such as you to find a secondary outlet like Lit. Women often feel that, if the husband is not interested in sex, it must be her fault.

So, anyway, Ingenue, you are far from alone.

Wow, I feel seen…

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Wow, I feel seen…

I'm gratified by that response.
This may sound trite
but
I have certainly seen your lips.

 

[bestkeptsecret678]

I can't help but "pull on this thread" a little more.

ditto, ditto, ditto.... to the majority of what's been said, but I'd carry some of the points even farther:

I'm devoted to my wife and family beyond measure. Its the reason I'm here this earth, to make life better for her. She's the better human, and deserves the credit for the adult humans we've created, and their new young families. She treats me like a prince. We've been a role model marriage for 35 years for our children to follow.

But.....The canyon between our libidos is immense. Due to her long simmering health situation, and some unfortunate events from her childhood, I believe she could do without sex the rest of her life and be OK. I've researched the concept of asexuality, and see this in her. Despite my effort to be a giving, selfless lover, sex for her has always been really only for my benefit, notwithstanding the neccessity for having a family. "OK, lets just do it", kind of stuff. On the other hand, I've been sexually curious since I was a child. I have mastered the art of discretion, and have sampled everything and anything over those years: porn, sex chat, daily masturbation (in situations that surprise even myself), affairs (never again), escorts. I'm now submitting erotic fantasies here on Lit, which is very satisfying. Her lack of sexual self-awareness makes all of this more possible, I feel.

I have a great number of things that are perfect in my life and my relationship with my wife. We are true partners, like to do nearly all of the same things, are supportive of one another, almost never critical of each other, we're learning to be doting gransparents together., etc. etc. But physical intimacy is simply not one of them. I rarely initiate it nowadays, I'd rather not be denied. I don't blame her, and am more accepting than ever. She is who she is; and I'm still a better person with her in my life.

I should note that I've been playing with fire all these years. Along with her asexual nature, she's what I'd call puritan'esque. If she read the things I've authored, let alone any of my other activities, she would be deeply offended. Anything outwardly erotic is shameful, she would feel.

There's a TED talk out there by Esther Perla, based on her book "Mating in Captivity". While not a perfect fit, I find comfort in the premise she presents.

I already know what the answer will be from this audience....."communication".

 

[Ingenue844]

I'm gratified by that response.
This may sound trite
but
I have certainly seen your lips.

Oh, the avatar? Lit smushed them. I like the original pic better

 

[GregThickDix]

So…reading through the entire thread and realizing I may be the only wife here in the same frustrating situation.

Well, for the women I have had conversations with, at least I think they are women,( but who knows, they could be just guys pretending to be women). you are not alone. I feel really sorry for women whose husbands stop all together, because I believe most women who are still wanting sex, take it as not being desired by their husbands, and frankly, they beat themselves up way more than guys, because the way society sees men is we are all hound dogs. Sometimes guys have ED issues, health issues, or are exhausted from over working. If they have something on the side, and they don't have sex with their wives, well, I don't know what the hell they are doing, because that is a red flag.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

as another poster mentioned...sometimes they get tired of the constant rejection.