1rst story

[Reshbod]

Finally submitted and had my first story posted. Looking for constructive criticism or any general comments.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=89290

Thanks

 

[Guest]

The link above appears broke.

This should work better, Reshbod. Congrats on your 1st story, and welcome.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=89290

 

[Reshbod]

Ooops, thanks ProofreadManx

 

[violent intimacy]

Hi

Some quick comments about your story:

1. You're missing some pronouns in the first paragraph. It makes the sentence structure look sloppy and might put some people off from reading, thinking that the rest of it will be like this when it's not. It's important to make a good first impression!

2. You wrote, "Rolling off him and snuggling against Jake..." This is a confusing sentence because it suggests that she rolled off some other man, not Jake. Simplest way to correct it would be to put Jake before the him. Better would be to write something like "I rolled off Jake and snuggled against him."

3. You refer to two teen daughters. 20 is not a teen. I don't see how their specific ages have to do with anything anyway. Calling them "teen daughters" is sufficient.

4. Your tenses are very iffy throughout the story. You go from past tense to present and back again.

e.g. "...yet I am so happy that I did not want anything to change."

5. There are some really long comma'd sentences that might be best broken up into a couple smaller ones.

e.g. "My breasts may not be as pert as they once were, but they still looked good, and although my hips were a little larger than I would like, along with my middle, I did have a rather pleasant hourglass figure."

I liked the part at the end where the husband asks about the boyfriend

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First of all, let me say that this is not exactly my kind of story. You women seem to go on and on with the preliminaries and then skip over the juicy moaning and groaning. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't a very good story, especially for a first submission.

I'd agree with Violent on all those points, but as far as I could tell they were confined largely to the start of the story. I didn't notice them so much once she got to the gym. Story beginnings are always awkward--you're trying to establish the story context while getting the reader involved--but here there's such a diference between the start and the body of the story that I wondered if they were even by the same author.

And yes, the very first sentence is not a sentence at all. That's either a gaffe or a very bold stroke,

I wonder whether that whole opening sequence is necessary at all. The sex seems to be gratuitous in that it has nothing to do with the rest of the story, and it seems to be a ploy to suck the reader in and make him stay while she ruminates about her present condition. I suppose it does show something about her relationship with her husband, but her whole marriage itself seems to have no bearing on the rest of the story. From what I could tell, she'd might as well be single for all the difference it makes

Aside from the beginning, I thought the rest of the story was told with a lot of skill. I confess to getting bored with her numerous encounters with Matt--the non-sexual ones--but I know you wanted to build up the relationship gradually, so I won't fault you on that. Whether it's too much build up or not, I'm not vapable of judging.

The only comment I would make is that I thought she might have editorialized too much, always getting in the way of the action with her opinions and ideas. This is pretty much tied up with the prolonged pre-mating dance of them sniffing around each other. But from the time she first met Matt in the gym, most Lit readers probably have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen.

One more thing that struck me was the title. It's obviously her story. She's the narrator after all. But the title gave me the impression thatsomeone else was going to tell it. It's a minor point, but maybe it should have been "My New Workout"?

---dr.M.