A question for the ladies only please.

[Bob_F451]

I give up

 

[SassyKatz71]

No your not an ass,It's just human nature for us to want these intimacies,Even if it makes you feel bad,guilty,or like your being disoyal or unfaithful.Your wife's disinterest could simply be from having no energy from being ill. If you get that sick over a period of time,As you say she has been,Illnesses such as those takes a serious toll on the human body,Mentally,Emotionally as well as Physically.She might just feel she's undesirable to you and extremely self concious, and won't chance finding out if that's true. Even if you told her she's not. Have you ever sat her down and told her all this ? Besides trying everything else ? Actally saying this is how I've felt ? What's her reaction,More physically than verbally ? If she simply doesn't care,Think it over and make a choice. Talk to her and see how she feels about you having a " Friend" . If she does care, then, tired or not, she needs to find herself again.Somehow.Or,doesn't want you to. Then that's just selfish of her,but that's just one opinion. I understand her being ill.I wouldn't understand if she doesn't want you to take care of your needs with one person when she is unable to do so,Or just won't.
It's a lot to think about in your situation before doing anything. I wish you Luck .

 

[Bob_F451]

I give up

 

[littlegirlnaughty]

a bit of advice

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can't imagine what it's like to be the caregiver of someone who's Ill. I don't know what illness your wife has, but as a cancer survivor, and at a young age, I can sort of understand. I mean that I can understand that when your sick certain things take a back burner. Physically your body betrays you, mentally your betray yourself. I don't know if you have had counseling, maybe she wants to tell you something but doesn't know how. I'm not a counselor by any means, it's just a suggestion.
What if you were to either ask or hint at your taking up a "friend"? I don't know her personality, perhaps she would be ok with it? Maybe together you can find someone, I know that sounds weird.
I don't know if any of this will help you, but you are not bad in thinking all this. You have your own needs and have to be able to balance your own life as well, because if you don't address it, it will eventually snowball and who knows what could happen. At least you are trying to make and effort and resolve the issue. Being sick doesn't give you the right to be completely selfish and destroy relationships.You still have to put forth effort, even a little. You can't be expected to carry a heavy burden by yourself.
Good luck to you. Hopefully your answer will come to you, but In the meanwhile don't beat yourself up. And venting is good Vent all you want

 

[Bob_F451]

I give up

 

[SassyKatz71]

I hope you can figure this out for yourself Bob. It's a hard situation you are in.I wish you the best of luck with it !!
I understand she's I'll and in pain,But it seems she's being somewhat self centered,Even with the reasons do it, it still isn't right or even fair to you.It's selfish of her. Point blank.
I know you feel guilty about the whole situation your in,But yo y should think outside the box with this. If only for awhile.I know some won't agree . But your only human dude. If she's that closed off on helping your relationship through this hard time. After repeated attempts on your part. Not much yo y can do about how she feels through all this. That's on her.Your actions are all on you.Do what you have to do, for your own happiness.Even if it means only having a "friend " for however long you feel you need it.

I known it sounds cold.And it is to a point. But don't deliberately suffer through this if/when she's completely adamant on saving your relationship or doing anything to help it survive.If that's the way she is being. So be it. Let her wallow in her self pity. Go take care of you. Even if it's only once .
You've tried over and over to tell het your thought and feelings.Like you said, she closes herself off emotionally. And that says a lot. Actions speak louder than words my friend !! You s 're thew for her 100% plus. And that's fine. She's doesn't seem to be returning that any more. Sock or not. It isn't fair to you. But all is your choice.of you choose to sit, be lonely,and suffer for her sake. So be it. That's your choice. It's just sad that she can't or won't see your side in all this. I hope you remember your important too in this marriage of yours . Good luck

 

[MortalKombatKitteh]

He's not bad for thinking about having a secret friend behind his wife's back??? Wow, must just be me.

I feel better once people suggested talking to her about it, but completely ignoring the fact that he was asking us to approve of him cheating totally boggled my mind.

You, sir, are being selfish. You don't seem to give a shit how she would feel if she learned you were having an affair. All you care about is your rocks being gotten off. So.....you can read her mind? You KNOW for a fact that she doesn't truly want sex anymore? She may want it, but her body isn't allowing it. Her mind isn't allowing it.

Have you taken her to the Doctor about it? A Physical Therapist? Anyone with a degree that isn't on the (how you put it) www? You should be discussing this with your WIFE not strangers on a sex chat site.

Imagine how you would feel if it were the other way around and she did this to you? I bet you would be outraged and crushed and your trust in her would be dashed to bits. You should be thinking about her too, not just your dick.

Lastly, sex isn't just about the intimate aspects. Making love isn't. Do some fucking research since you're bored of porn. There are so many other ways of lovemaking. How about you find that out with your wife instead of seeking the bitch way out.

 

[Bob_F451]

Thank you for your input.

I give up

 

[MortalKombatKitteh]

I can't read? You cannot spell. I cared not to read your drivel as it appears to be written by a single brain celled moron. You asked, you received and now you can't take the heat. Nothing more than a bitch, in my eyes. Pathetic.

 

[Jewdles]

Hi Bob,

My heart goes out to both you and your wife, as it's a tough life situation to be in.

You were in no way asking people here to approve of your 'cheating,' rather than you are desperate, looking for advice and help. It's not exactly the sort of thing you want to ask your family about. I was more shocked at the vitriolic tirade directed at you, especially considering this site is called literotica. I've read some pretty explicit, perverted, and to be honest stomach churning posts here. Yours was a man not knowing where to turn next, and I felt for you.

There are many people here due to difficult and challenging life situations. Obviously talking to your wife about your needs and hers is the priority. Staying in your marriage is also an obvious priority, and it shows you care about your wife by all you do for her.

Sometimes in life we need to look after ourselves as well, and it's sad if she won't talk about it with you. If she said she can't do sex any more, then together you could make a plan, but when only one person is acknowledging the problem it's a major issue. That is when you need to do what helps you to stay and care. Don't put your energies into replying to mean spirited replies, some people don't have the life experience to fully understand.

I give you credit for not going out and having a physical affair as many would do, male or female. I felt you are simply looking for someone to talk to online, possibly with benefits. We all need to feel loved and desired, and you are no different.

I'm happy to talk to you via private message if you need an ear.

J

 

[GiggLeGasm]

It really isn't possible to imagine the internal struggles you are having to navigate. I have a friend who was in a similar situation and went to a therapist, not for the two of them, but for herself as the care provider. It may not be a bad idea for you. Not only did she deal with an affair, she dealt with a divorce when his cancer changed his behaviors and he became abusive. It really was tragic to watch and I gave them a lot of credit for putting the stigma of their decisions aside and deciding what was best for them.

For your specific situation, you may choose to look to people who specialize in this particular difficulty.
http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2012-03/should-you-have-affair-when-your-partner-dying

best wishes to you and your wife.

 

[newbiebabe]

Seriously boggles my mind that people come here and judge others. You don't know the situation exactly, you don't live it and you don't really have anything constructive to say... so please don't judge and be ugly. It's hard enough to deal with life's ills without having to deal with the ugliness that parades behind a holier than thou veil.

I've noticed several of these types of posts by you lately along with a follow up of the same sort.. so I would wonder why you are even on Lit.

Everyone has to decide for themselves what they can live with and if they can live with the consequences of a decision, regardless of what the decision was... it's not our place to judge. Leave that to the Creator.

 

[Jewdles]

Well said. You have to walk in another man's shoes to fully understand.

Looking for the LIKE button.

J

 

[37_ttej]

It really isn't possible to imagine the internal struggles you are having to navigate. I have a friend who was in a similar situation and went to a therapist, not for the two of them, but for herself as the care provider. It may not be a bad idea for you. Not only did she deal with an affair, she dealt with a divorce when his cancer changed his behaviors and he became abusive. It really was tragic to watch and I gave them a lot of credit for putting the stigma of their decisions aside and deciding what was best for them.

For your specific situation, you may choose to look to people who specialize in this particular difficulty.
http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2012-03/should-you-have-affair-when-your-partner-dying

best wishes to you and your wife.

Ditto Giggle's advice.

I'm deliberately breaking your 'ladies only' OP request because I feel that some of the guys here will give you a useful perspective as well. So I'm breaking the ice. Don't worry about getting frivolous responses - your OP was well worded and the pain and frustration you're experiencing are conveyed genuinely and clearly.

I am in a somewhat similar situation, but nowhere near as bad as yours.

Some things to consider:

1. Meds do mess with emotions, particularly the stronger types for pain, depression and anxiety. It's an unfortunate side effect and may be something which is affecting your wife's ability to offer emotional response. In this case it's not something she can easily change.
2. She may be desperately afraid that your feelings for her have faded, given her condition. People react differently to fear. Some face it head on, some run, others deny it. It may be she misinterprets your advances as 'pity'.
3. There's a possibility that she's deliberately trying to push you away because she feels you deserve better and knows that you won't go of your own accord. Misplaced martyrdom is hard to deal with because it has its basis in a warped view of reality.
4. The only real way forward with your relationship is communication. Talk with her. Most importantly tell her how you feel. Avoid blame as much as you can, even though this may be hard. Keep it factual, but try to genuinely and sensitively convey your hurt, pain and frustration aswell as your strong desire to have your relationship continue. I know this is a very hard thing for us guys to do. All I can say is more power to you for your obvious love and care for her so far. Keep it up.
5. It may be she is beyond your reach. We all have our breaking point and perhaps 11 years of suffering have taken her to a place where she only has the capacity and energy to focus inwards.As heartbreaking as this is, you then need to decide how much your marriage vows mean to you. I don't say this in judgement. This is an individual decision for you to make.

I really feel for you both, Bob, and wish you all the very best for a good outcome for you both.

Jett

 

[Bob_F451]

Thank you.

I give up

 

[Bob_F451]

Thank you for the advise.

- Thank you for the insight and the advise. Every time we have left after a hospital stay, we have been offered help from the social workers. I would be willing to go along but my wife flatly refuses. I have never considered a therapist/psychologist for just myself. We have always been a team.
- I'll consider your suggestions.
And I "love" your avatar!
Thanks.

It really isn't possible to imagine the internal struggles you are having to navigate. I have a friend who was in a similar situation and went to a therapist, not for the two of them, but for herself as the care provider. It may not be a bad idea for you. Not only did she deal with an affair, she dealt with a divorce when his cancer changed his behaviors and he became abusive. It really was tragic to watch and I gave them a lot of credit for putting the stigma of their decisions aside and deciding what was best for them.

For your specific situation, you may choose to look to people who specialize in this particular difficulty.
http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2012-03/should-you-have-affair-when-your-partner-dying

best wishes to you and your wife.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

- This is the only time I envy women. They can spill their guts to each other, hug and cry, and move on. I must needs be the stoic. It has worn me down too.

Thanks for the kind words.
Bob

women are human.
I've endured many difficult decisions that I never felt comfortable sharing with other women. sometimes the fear of seeming like an ass can keep any of us from really telling the whole story... and as far as moving on.. I don't think any of us could just eat a pint of Jeni's with a girlfriend and move on if dealing with what you've described.
take care of yourself.

 

[Jewdles]

I too think a man's perspective is worthwhile.

Don't apologise for your comments, you may have wasted your energy, but most would understand your reaction.

Don't envy women, as not all would feel they could chat about the situation. I'm a communicator, and I live in a sexless marriage which has worsened after his surgery. He's a good man, people see us as good couple. I've been married before and feel like a failure, so don't feel I can share with family or close friends. I also don't want to feel I'm betraying his situation.

Different people, different circumstances but I 'get you.' It's not about the sex, but I miss intimacy, I crave it, but I don't get it. It's natural to want your other half to tell you those special things, and it hurts when they're never forthcoming. You work at it, you understand, you care for them and about them. You initiate conversation which you finally realise only ever leaves you feeling empty and abandoned. Nothing every changes. You try and push those feelings away, but like a sore they fester, and there comes a times when you do what you need to do. It's why I come here, to talk and have an outlet, and I sure as hell will not feel guilty for that.

your head will be all over the place, but in order to keep looking after your wife you need to be well, or you're no use to anyone. Hang in there, and one day at a time, and remember you're not alone.

J

 

[Mooket]

Bob,

i am sure many people can appreciate, understand, and sympathize with your situation. However, you and you alone can only justify whatever action you choose to partake.

However, I don't think polling opinions from women ONLY will do you good. I equally think you should get opinion from other MEN. You obviously want to explore all sorts of conflict emotions, and I think it's only wiser to ask for opinions from those men who may have been in your situations. Because each sex will provide different perspective on this subject, and the more you are informed, the better to make your own decision.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[tender_elf]

Hi. I'm here, anonymously I hope, to ask for some honest input. I've never done this 'stuff' before so bear with me. My wife of 28 years has been in various stages of illnesses over the last 11 years with the past 5 being the worst. Anti-cancer drugs, other medicines and multiple surgeries have taken their toll including early menopause. We are at a point in our lives now that we are great friends but that is it - no love/sex life at all, she just does not care about intimacy any more. I've tried the whole gambit: dinner, movies, flowers, etc., even suggested a trip when she was well enough - nothing. She never complained about my skills as a lover, I have made her soak the sheets many a time when we were closer that way. She tells me that she just is not interested any more or is too tired. I still care about her very much but I'm damn frustrated. It has been more than a year. I feel cheap just writing this but I'm still a very capable male with lots of life left in me. I'm tired of looking a porn on the www and hoping some day she will get better or come back to me.

I need to figure out something before what's left of our relationship is gone. I don't think I can hold back my frustrations much longer before I say or do something that makes things worse.

So here is my question: Am I a total ass for even thinking about a quiet 'friends with benefits' relationship with another woman?

Have you tried understanding that the woman is near death sick?

 

[GothAngelBabe]

Bob. I sent you a private email.